Love knocks on my door
And I invite him in
Because I like how he smells
But now that he's here
I don't know what to feed it
Love has never been here before

You have no right
To prophet propaganda
About my life.
Underneath all of this
I loved you once.
Don't pretend you don't remember
Love had a life here
Between our fingertips
And words unspoken
A holy grail of light lived
Between the echoes of my sheets
And the hollow of each of my hearts skipped beats as you turned to leave
While I miss watching my world in your eyes
Miss watching you build universes while watching me
While I can now never look Into blue eyes the same without shivering deep inside where you so easily found my darkest hiding places
You still have no right

On the other side
Of this genocide
I count too many empty bottles
Each a name inked
At the bottom
A ghost I tried to drown
A piece of me I didn't want to be
A memory I wanted to slice from the reel
A life I tried to make not my own
All the empty bottles brought
Was a graveyard of more things
I'd rather not have

A box filled with secrets
Shackled to my feet
Gets dragged around
Everywhere with me
Invisible ink
Ethes the words
Again and again
In the form
Of so many things
A knowing look
A turn of phrase
From a private book
Between the silence
Of this second
And the next
One foot firmly
In no man's land
I stand holding
My breath
Boundaries invisibly set
And yet
So clearly defined
I have no right
To stake a claim
And yet
I am owned

I want to dance in this holiness
Steady myself in your embrace

I want to pin this moment
In the warmth of your stare

I want to bask in your silence
And grow memories of Sundays

You said it would've worked
If we started things
The right way

Baby for things like this
There is no right way
Only a whispered
"I wished you would've stayed"

Now I know new year's
Is about new beginnings
But as the sun rose
I found myself
Missing you
Drinking old whiskey
Listening to our old songs
Hearing the old promises
Your voice in my ear
Your hands on my skin

I went to bed alone on this new day
Not looking ahead to new beginnings
But With my hand holding yours
in the past

I don't dwell on the past.
I don't miss things long gone.
But you always felt like home.
Home was where I wanted to be
Home felt like a good place to start
A new year.

I hope this year I will find my hand to hold
I hope I don't miss you when I do.
I hope you don't miss me.

It's not here anymore
Your cigarette butts
When I empty my Ashtray
Your half empty bottle of ***
When I open my cupboard
Your toothbrush where you
Left it in my bathroom

It's not here anymore
Your expensive cologne that clings
To everything you come in contact with
Your phone charger
Next to my bed
Your side of the bed
The second glass
The second plate

It's not here anymore
Your voice
Your name on my phone
Your favourite movies in my collection

No trace left

And yet

Your cologne sticks to the inside
Of my walls
Your food to the inside
Of my mouth
Your words
The inside of my head

I wish you would just
Leave

Slow dancing in my satin slip
To John Lee ****** songs
By candle light and slow rising steam
From the nearby tub
Tipsy from the red wine
In a good glass dangling from my hand
the thoughts of you swirling
Through my already hazy mind
Your gaze caressing
My slow moving limbs
Igniting me from the inside upwards
Anticipation thrills

You made me feel tonight

You
Are not
A man
Not god
Coward
Liar
Remembered

Anger
Sit on my
Fingers tips
Waiting
To touch you

I stand in front of
The closed door
I have been here before

I have been cold on your floor
I have been lied to
Deceived
Stolen from

My world turned
Upside down
On the premise
Of your promises
Your lies

I am angry
I stand breathing fire
Hands balled into fists
I am ready to colour
This fight into a war

But you are a coward
You run and hide
You do not fight
You do not defend

You are coward
A poor skilled shooter
Useless to the end.
You are nothing

Nothing I want to
Paint with my anger
And regret
If only you were worthy

It's been a hell of a year
All I remember is the cold
Sleeping on the floor
In your empty house

Walking your empty hallways
Talking to your empty walls
To your empty heart
Drunk on regrets

I wasn't enough to save you
I wasn't anything more
Than the girl
Who slept in your house
On the floor

Alone in your cold

Have you ever seen  a carcass
Torn apart by a predator
Pieces strewn about.

Hearing the words
I don't want to be with you
Does the same thing
To one's heart.

It's supposed to be poetic
And heart break is beautiful
You grow from it.

All I can tell you
Is that when the person
Who promised to love you
Forever
Says
I don't want to anymore
It just ******* hurts


It hurts to wake up
It hurts to breathe
It hurts to function
It just ******* hurts.

It's painful and it's not pretty.
It leaves your future bare
And uncertain
Your home empty
You bed a punishment and solice

I have lived bad times
But none worse
Than that of a lover I've loved
Leave

I think I'm done with this

I burn bridges
I watch in the rear view mirror
embers and the remnants fade away
I like closure and closed chapters

I wanted to destroy ours
So completely
That there never was a bridge
Pointless waste
you always still
Seem to find your way
back
To me

Even now I can feel you drifting

I overgrow pathways with thorns
hide the signs
switch off the lights
leave the post on the porch
let the dust settle

Still you end up at my door
Baggage in hand
spark in your lazy eye
I never leave you in the cold
God's knows I want to

You follow me to the kitchen
Where I start on the new bomb
While you build the new bridge
I aim to blow

Our cycle is consistent
Your leaving is exhausting
My heart break is on rewind
There's comfort in repetition
But where is the love

You throw excuses around
Like confetti
Your angry words
Shred my tender heart
Your temper and your silence
Tears me apart
Through out your violent
Song and dance
All you could've said
Was you wanted out
And I would've understood
That you are just a boy
Who no longer wants
to be
With me

I look for you in places
You are not
In my heart
On my phone
In my bed
In the line when God gave
Strength and courage to man

I find you in unnecessary places
On permanent ink on my wrist
In the permanent scars of what is left
Of my heart.
All the places I can't hide from
There you are and all it does
Is make me want to look
For you less

These will not be pretty poems
I have run out of ways
To paint this catastrophe
In any way other than what it is
All I have left is what is left
And none of that is pretty

You
This time
Was different
But the
Leaving
The same

My list of goodbyes for this year
Have been extensive and excruciating

I've lost more than I've gained

Every goodbye was difficult
Tearing at the hem of my humanity
My sanity

I've lost more than I've gained

I feel so much older and harder
Yet none the wiser
Just More broken

I feel I like I've lost

Every goodbye is etched into the crevice
Of my ever in creasing in stone hardening heart

And yet it weeps
for what it refuses to let go

Ive lost

I want to wake up on my tummy with the sunrise
and your kisses down my back
I want the memory to replace the one
where his leaving implied I lacked
I want your fingers trailing through my senses
erasing his fingers off my skin
I need you to be relentless lover,
whatever your name,
you are here to build Mexico city on top of atlantis
and I can't afford for you to fail
I need you to be so very brave,
to evade our monsters to be lust's slave
I'm sure you're eyes are green
but all I see is piercing blue,
and while you kiss me I feel his lips on me too
lover you are losing this battle
between my heart and my head
I'll be sending you along soon
so I can be restless alone in my empty bed

I read letters you never wrote
folded and unfolded
hidden in the empty space
of your leaving coat
I take a drag of my last cigarette
and take a sip from our glass
of old regrets
I listen to sad songs
that mean nothing
and pray for the peace
I know should come
but nothing seems to bring
I unpack empty suitcases
filled with all the things
your leaving told I lacked
I sleep with ghosts
your monsters  
my regrets
and our memories
but what we really need
is just to let it be
I wish I could say
you could hold on
to the old promises
but the truth is simply this
this nothing
that resides
where your lies used to hide
this is all that remains
of what used to sustain

You won't be
Forgiven
For the lies
Your fingertips
Left

You've
taken
things
from
me
not
meant
to
be
taken.

And sitting crossed legged here
in the middle of the sideline
in the aftermath
of the war keeps me still
this silent fight
being fought on opposite ends
of the battle lines
wears me to the core
leaves me defeated
weather worn and sore
our casualties worse for wear
while we dance around what was
this pressure cooker silence
needs to linger a little longer
the silence is deafening, defeating
it is making me strong.
Your white flag changes
Everything
Nothing

Every battle takes its toll
I used to pride myself
on my resilience
but every bite has left its mark
and its a hard won fight
if this is what winning looks like
looking around at what is
left over
in the aftermath
of the hard fought wars
this may not be victory after all

Lying alone
In what was once
Our sweat soaked sheets
Torn between shame and regret
Over the secrets we're
All forced to keep
Whatever this was
It has changed me

You don't like her name in my mouth
And I don't like
How you love her for real
And fake it with me
Maybe that makes us even
In the end

Can I tell you a secret only
Karma and I know

She can keep you

I send forgiveness
To your door
She returns
With her refusal
To knock
Not yet
she says
Not yet

I do not do well
with a soft goodbye
when you leave I beg you
leave hard
You are breaking something
After all
So do not be gente or kind
And I do not want your pity
Give me a piece of your mind
I do not heal otherwise
scream loudly mean things
stomp your feet all over
what is still left lying around
break things if you must
to get your point across
make sure I understand
you mean what you say
when you say
you no longer intend to stay
kick me around some
Make sure the bruises show
leave me shaking on my knees
mascara streaked tears
staining the floor
when you close the door
because I do not do well
with soft goodbyes
where hope lies

There is
A fine line
Between appreciation
And ownership
Which I seem to fall over
Scraping my knees
Too often
Too Continously

I am haunted
by
things
that
do not
haunt
me

How merciful of memory
softening edges
bluring lines
with time

How softly kindness touches in the aftermath of a hardship

And while I held the door shut
You jumped through the window
Bringing your devil magic lust
Disguised as love
Plying the whims
Of a willing participant
With your rainbow coloured dreams
And alluring nightmares
Of how our ghosts
Could get along
And your monsters
Protect us
When really what I needed
Protection from
Was your lust disguised
And colourless dreams
Your empty words still
Echo
Through these hallways
Of my mind
Out all the way through
Down the hallway
To an empty kitchen
Where we cooked breakfast
And ate dinner
And laughed.
once

One sided affliction where
Once presumption of
Soulmate resided

Torments

Down on bended knee
Relentlessly praying
Yet
Selective amnesia eludes

Whilst wounded
I've no anger
In this heart

Toward you

Sitting in a smokey cafe
On a rainy Friday night
Next to a beautiful man
With a lazy smile

His hand reaching out for me
No answers lie behind his brown eyes
His touch does not tingle
The way you left goosebumps on my flesh

Beautiful brown eyes and a lazy smile
I smile back and swirl my whiskey
I don't believe a word he speaks
All I remember is your lies

I wonder as I look away
How terribly this has ruined me
When neither beautiful man nor whiskey
Does much to warm me

I wonder how long
It will take me
To regain the things I let you
Take from me

Even if I let him take me home
His touch will not fix what you broke
But maybe it will soothe me
Maybe another night,  
another beautiful man
Maybe another whiskey

And soulmate instead
Leave
A stale state
On my tongue

A moment please

To Accept

What

I am Letting Go

Where once
   Your fingertips
       Trailed
   Only essence
      Of nothingness

Remain

I have been here before
My soul sighs
When my mind conjures up these words
In that particular order

Combined emotions
Of relief,  grief and satire
Often follow suit
Behind those words

I have been here before
I am reminding myself
That we faced this thing before
And that we faced it then
Simply means getting back on
That same horse
We rode it out last time
And we can do so again

I have been here before
Heartbreak
Loss of a loved one
Hard times
Relocation
Job loss
Scratch
Irrespective of the cause
I have been here before

Do we really want to
Go through something again
We've already faced and conquered
A resounding no and a sigh
Combined with resilience and retaliation
And yet a soft smile

I have been here before
We know the horse and the road
Better this time around
Reluctantly
Unnecessarily
Even so
I have been here before
And might be again
But now we stand up and saddle up
Bring what we have left over from the last round
And ride this one out
The scared little me that doesn't want to
And the big strong me who remembers how to

With a smile and a sigh
I have been here before
We were OK afterwards then too
We remember

I enjoy distance
Long drives with no destination
Music blaring,  miles growing

I enjoy distance
Long walks to nowhere
The peace calms my restless soul

I enjoy distance
Little steps each day
Away from difficult situations

I enjoy distance
Between people and places
And me

I enjoy distance
It gives perspective
Emancipation

I enjoy distance
I also enjoy coming home
When distance has run its course

My mind refers to you now as a plunderer
For one who takes what isn't freely given
Surely is a thief

And while I smiled while you took what you took
I did protest,  though not vehemently
Yet softly, as is my nature

And quietly,  as is yours,  you stole
My ability to trust, my belief in honesty
I had just relearned those qualities

In one silent but grand gesture
you both instilled
and refuted my belief in fairytales

Though you shed a light
on a part of me long time dead
and brought her back to life

gratefully so, looking back,  the cost,  
i think, is higher than I was willing
To sacrifice ,  had I been offered the choice

Of course,  you kept
saying I could walk away
not implying what staying would signify

There is a bitter line
That runs through the generations
Of women in my family

This bitter line runs across their faces
From one cheekbone to the other
Where their smiles used to be

From years of knock downs and
knock outs
Of life winning
And love losing

Strong women, With beautiful features
Hard battles fought,  won,  lost
Reduced to a bitter line

My line stays and dissipates
I pray my bitter line this time won't stay long
Because of you

I wear all my labels with pride.
I am some terrible things, but even from them I don't hide.
I am selfish though I try to be kind.
I am a firm believer of speaking my mind.
I believe to live and let live. I always accept much less than I give.
I abide by my own twisted moral code.
Its ok for me to do what I like as long as you've been told
Of the monster I can be Then I am free
of the burden of guilt coz you've been warned.
That at some point on our path you will be burned.
I'm not proud of some of these things.
But I also carry my consequences as part of my being.
So yes, I am an ***, I can admit.
Why you ask do my friends put up with it?

I'm always so much fun,
still up partying with the sun.
Always laughing, always a good time.
Never selfish with what's mine.
I can hold my whiskey next to any man and more.
Most likely drink him under the floor.
My word is yes. which became a problem.
I'm only ever the fun girl to them.
I don't get the romantic fairy tale.
The happily ever after with storms and hail.
I always go home alone. I am weary to the bone.
Of this fun girl act
but she has all the things I lack.
I've come to despise this fun label.
As it leaves an empty seat next to me at the table.

Can't they see the beautiful me inside?
I paint, write ****** poetry and some days I cry.
I took a decorating course and one to cook.
Its all there if you take a deeper look.
I love music with soul
and burn candles and intense to help me feel whole.
Some nights I don't sleep.
and my 3 cats are the only company I keep.
My dad died and my ex was an addict.
My life hasn't been very easy or fantastic.
But they don't care about any of those things.
They only want the fun I bring.
I'm tired and drained from all of this.
But I won't pack her away,  imagine all the fun I'd miss

It's one of those days where I need to remember to be kind to myself
When my breath is hardly enough to give life to an elf
One of those days where I struggle to get out of bed
I cant get anything to sit right in my head
Simply for eating something, I pat myself on the back
I have to keep reminding myself not all my thoughts are fact
John Michael stipe says not to take pictures of the bad days
To hide them away and leave it where it lays
But I take the pictures, and keep them on a shelf
To remind myself how to pick me up again when I fell
I send the bad me good thoughts on postcards
To tell myself that some days are just hard
The bad me is cold, careless and not at all nice
She likes to indulge in every frowned upon vice
Yet I accept the bad me just as I do the good
Tomorrow might be a better day and the good me will win in all likelyhood

I love reading Bukowski
and if I could pick one person to have dinner with,
he would be it.
He got it.
And I want to tell him I think I get it.
In his poem one tough mother fckr, he talks about this survivalist cat. How this cat inspired him and he holds up the cat
and says this is what its about, look,
and they don't get, and the cat knows its *******.
I love how he said it was a beautiful fight, still is.
And how winning the war within yourself is worth winning.
I want to get drunk with him and tell him I think I get it.
I have fought battles and wars my entire life, and find it beautiful. There's a beauty in finding peace and letting go.
In getting up everyday when you have no reason to.
Plowing through the hard days and then looking back on the good ones, smiling, knowing you made it.
Battle worn, scarred, older, maybe wiser.
Certainly takes more whiskey to get you drunk
and more cigarettes to fill the lungs
More pills to help you sleep but you're still here, tough mother f@ck*r
It was a beautiful fight, still is.
The battle is never over.
For some, there's always another around the bend.
Small victories and large defeats.
And I celebrate them all.
because if there was ever a fight worth winning, you are it.
None of us are getting out alive, its the living that matters.
So live well enough that death trembles to take us.
I want to tell him I think I get it.
And have a bottle or two with him.
And celebrate him and myself and it all, the good and the bad
and live before I die.

This time
Is different
I tell myself
Every single time

Somewhere in Cape town it always rains
And in some part of my heart the rain always stays
Waves crash deep within me
Like you,  they are always free
You know sometimes I still hate you
Just in between the waves build up and break through
Hold me tight and I sit where i Isit and you know
Of all the things I cannot let go
So here I sigh and sit
And remember the deep scars on my wrists
And we remember the reasons
Why I sit here quietly and let peace in
Peace for myself and I'm letting you be
You who no longer hold onto me



Ek en jy

dit reen altyd iewers in kaapstad
en altyd iewers in my hart
branders golf diep binne my
nes jy is hulle altyd vry
jy weet ek haat jou nog partykeer
net so tussen die branders se golf en kom weer
hou my vas en ek sit waar ek sit en jy weet
van die dinge wat ek nie kan vergeet
so hier sit ek en sug
en onthou van die diep merk op my gewrig
en weet van die rede
hoekom ek hier sit en maak vrede
met myself en met jou
wat my nie meer vashou