I enjoy distance
Long drives with no destination
Music blaring,  miles growing

I enjoy distance
Long walks to nowhere
The peace calms my restless soul

I enjoy distance
Little steps each day
Away from difficult situations

I enjoy distance
Between people and places
And me

I enjoy distance
It gives perspective
Emancipation

I enjoy distance
I also enjoy coming home
When distance has run its course

Al wat jy my wys gemaak het is dat seer die selfde voel
Maak nie saak van watter oord dit spoel
Ek en pyn ken mekaar al jare
Jy het my niks nuuts laat ervaar
Daar is geen onderskeid binne my tussen jou seer en syne
Dit le nou als binne my, dis als nou myne
So wat bly oor van jou sogenoemde goeie intensies, wil ek weet
Binne n jaar of wat het jy als hier vergeet
Die bietjie wat ek gehad het, het ek met jou gedeel
Dit was nie wat jy wou he, my hart het jou verveel
Ek was net n goeie tyd wat jy op gedress het en liefde genoem
Terwl ek lee hande daar gestaan het en jou met my hele hart gesoen
Ek wens ek het harder probeer en jy het net geluister
Toe ek hard en saggies, en aanhoudend nee, nee, nee deur jou soene fluister

ek het iemand nodig om namens my te bid, te pleit
my gebede val soos ouds op dowe ore ongehoor
ek voel oud en alleen uit gesmyt
ek het nou op gehou pm te glo ek kan toor
ek het ver geval en seer gekry
ek het op gegee op my
my kop en my lyf probeer mekaar so ver moontlik vermy
weereens het ek myself verloor
ek is te moeg om op te staan om weer te begin soek
ek is bang vir die kry, die kruis verhoor
ek voel teen gekant en vervloek
ek is niks nie anyways

ek is deurskykend, transparant, deurmekaar
opsoek na my vrede, my mensweesm my wees
ek voel so secondhand, so op gebruik, so klaar
bid vir verlossing, a trade in vir n nuwe vlees, nuwe gees, beter wees
my oe hoop op vol trane on gehuil
ek slaan lelike kolle uit in my sogenoemde persoonlikheid
maar dis alles ek, ek wat my vervuil
ek wat my eenkant hou, ek wat my uit smyt
ek wat ja se al wil als binne my nee skree
ek wat bly staan terwyl ek moes weg hardloop
ek wat myself wou uitvee
ek wat myself vir cheap thrills verkoop
maar hirdie ek is te oud om te kniel
hierdie ek word te oud om te glo
so ek staan waar ek staan en verniel
en ek bly staan sonder n tree en verloor
kyk dis ek wat hier staan, te sad om te bid
te seer om te huil, versteen deur my toedoen
daar is geen hande vat en aansit
maar ek dra dit met n smile want dis my skoen

ek kyk vir die girl in die spieel en wonder of sy weet
*** hard ek probeer om haar te help vergeet
ek se vir haar ek hou van *** sy lag
en *** hoog sy mense wat dit nie verdien nie, ag
sy sug en trek haar skouers op en af
"die lewe is te kort om almal te straf"
se sy terwyl stadig wegkyk
en nog n stukkie van haarself weg smyt
ek fluister sag "as jy so aanhou gaan daar niks oor wees"
antwoord sy " ons is niks meer as vlees en gees
wanneer more kom, beteken vandag nie veel
als verander en tog niks want die son bly geel"
nikseegende donker oe kyk terug na my
ek is bevrees die girl gaan leeg bly

I do not do well
with a soft goodbye
when you leave I beg you
leave hard
You are breaking something
After all
So do not be gente or kind
And I do not want your pity
Give me a piece of your mind
I do not heal otherwise
scream loudly mean things
stomp your feet all over
what is still left lying around
break things if you must
to get your point across
make sure I understand
you mean what you say
when you say
you no longer intend to stay
kick me around some
Make sure the bruises show
leave me shaking on my knees
mascara streaked tears
staining the floor
when you close the door
because I do not do well
with soft goodbyes
where hope lies

finally na jare se rusteloosheid
jare van verlore wees, rond soek na my
elke avenue na jaag, opskop en my kniee numb pleit
het ek my vrede om jou om my gekry
my en jou se safe place
weg van al die jare s elies en disgrace
ek vat my dae een vir een soos ek kans sien
en dit sal n lieg proe as ek nie se my verlange le diep
het altyd gedink as ek beter was sou ek jou verdien
maar ek was te naief, te jonk, te blind
het myself my gevoelnes verbied
ek was moeg vir wag, die seer, die verwyt
moeg vir die fluister van trane oor my wange en die verlange
ek wou nie die weggeooi meer wees, wou jou weg smyt
bang vir alleen wees, wou nie die faulty een wees, bang
ek het vir ons ons eie soace create
n safe place waar nie ek of jy mekaar ooit weer kan forsake
ek hoef jou nooit weer te soek want ek weet waar jy gaan wees
finally you can help chase away my fears

ek staar dae lank na n lee wit muur
binne my brand als soos vuur
in eensaamheid word ek toegevou
buite kou die druppels dou
die laaste uur voel ek so koud
voel so amper amper oud
al die dinge wat my pla
dra ek diep, dit volg my na
ek kou en herkou
my tong so amper flou
steeds ***** jy naby my
en ek kan jou net nie kry

dit reen altyd iewers in kaapstad
en altyd iewers in my hart
branders golf diep binne my
nes jy is hulle altyd vry
jy weet ek haat jou nog partykeer
net so tussen die branders se golf en kom weer
hou my vas en ek sit waar ek sit en jy weet
van die dinge wat ek nie kan vergeet
so hier sit ek en sug
en onthou van die diep merk op my gewrig
en weet van die rede
hoekom ek hier sit en maak vrede
met myself en met jou
wat my nie meer vashou

Somewhere in Cape town it always rains
And in some part of my heart the rain always stays
Waves crash deep within me
Like you,  they are always free
You know sometimes I still hate you
Just in between the waves build up and break through
Hold me tight and I sit where i Isit and you know
Of all the things I cannot let go
So here I sigh and sit
And remember the deep scars on my wrists
And we remember the reasons
Why I sit here quietly and let peace in
Peace for myself and I'm letting you be
You who no longer hold onto me



Ek en jy

dit reen altyd iewers in kaapstad
en altyd iewers in my hart
branders golf diep binne my
nes jy is hulle altyd vry
jy weet ek haat jou nog partykeer
net so tussen die branders se golf en kom weer
hou my vas en ek sit waar ek sit en jy weet
van die dinge wat ek nie kan vergeet
so hier sit ek en sug
en onthou van die diep merk op my gewrig
en weet van die rede
hoekom ek hier sit en maak vrede
met myself en met jou
wat my nie meer vashou

How merciful of memory
softening edges
bluring lines
with time

I have been here before
My soul sighs
When my mind conjures up these words
In that particular order

Combined emotions
Of relief,  grief and satire
Often follow suit
Behind those words

I have been here before
I am reminding myself
That we faced this thing before
And that we faced it then
Simply means getting back on
That same horse
We rode it out last time
And we can do so again

I have been here before
Heartbreak
Loss of a loved one
Hard times
Relocation
Job loss
Scratch
Irrespective of the cause
I have been here before

Do we really want to
Go through something again
We've already faced and conquered
A resounding no and a sigh
Combined with resilience and retaliation
And yet a soft smile

I have been here before
We know the horse and the road
Better this time around
Reluctantly
Unnecessarily
Even so
I have been here before
And might be again
But now we stand up and saddle up
Bring what we have left over from the last round
And ride this one out
The scared little me that doesn't want to
And the big strong me who remembers how to

With a smile and a sigh
I have been here before
We were OK afterwards then too
We remember

How softly kindness touches in the aftermath of a hardship

It's one of those days where I need to remember to be kind to myself
When my breath is hardly enough to give life to an elf
One of those days where I struggle to get out of bed
I cant get anything to sit right in my head
Simply for eating something, I pat myself on the back
I have to keep reminding myself not all my thoughts are fact
John Michael stipe says not to take pictures of the bad days
To hide them away and leave it where it lays
But I take the pictures, and keep them on a shelf
To remind myself how to pick me up again when I fell
I send the bad me good thoughts on postcards
To tell myself that some days are just hard
The bad me is cold, careless and not at all nice
She likes to indulge in every frowned upon vice
Yet I accept the bad me just as I do the good
Tomorrow might be a better day and the good me will win in all likelyhood

Sitting in a smokey cafe
On a rainy Friday night
Next to a beautiful man
With a lazy smile

His hand reaching out for me
No answers lie behind his brown eyes
His touch does not tingle
The way you left goosebumps on my flesh

Beautiful brown eyes and a lazy smile
I smile back and swirl my whiskey
I don't believe a word he speaks
All I remember is your lies

I wonder as I look away
How terribly this has ruined me
When neither beautiful man nor whiskey
Does much to warm me

I wonder how long
It will take me
To regain the things I let you
Take from me

Even if I let him take me home
His touch will not fix what you broke
But maybe it will soothe me
Maybe another night,  
another beautiful man
Maybe another whiskey

I read letters you never wrote
folded and unfolded
hidden in the empty space
of your leaving coat
I take a drag of my last cigarette
and take a sip from our glass
of old regrets
I listen to sad songs
that mean nothing
and pray for the peace
I know should come
but nothing seems to bring
I unpack empty suitcases
filled with all the things
your leaving told I lacked
I sleep with ghosts
your monsters  
my regrets
and our memories
but what we really need
is just to let it be
I wish I could say
you could hold on
to the old promises
but the truth is simply this
this nothing
that resides
where your lies used to hide
this is all that remains
of what used to sustain

I fell in love with a pretty blue eyed boy
He had pretty words and pretty eyes
He saw right through  my disguise
I fell in love with this boy
Who said I was his soulmate and his safe place
But he belonged to another and it was a disgrace
So I fell in love with this little boy
Against my better judgement,  I knew I shouldnt
I tried to stop my silly heart from falling but I couldnt
I fell maddeningly hopelessly in love with a boy
I was happy and it was perfect for a little while
But he left as silently as he came and stole my smile
Still I fell for this silly boy
I fell for his empty words and pretty lies
The discovery that he didn't share the emotions came as a surprise
I stupidly fell in love with a boy
A boy who lied and pretended and never really cared
For all his intentions all he left was despair

I wonder
What you saw when you looked at me

Drinking with the devil's thirst
Smoking the cowboys dirt
Laughing much too loud
Walking round the next day in my ex's stolen underwear
Bloodshot eyes and ready for another round

I was chaos and storms
I was weather worn
But inside I was holding me together
With the too loud music and too much fake smiles
I was something too behold

I wonder what you saw
When you looked at me

I was told you like to fix things
And to you I'd be the ultimate challenge with all my broken dreams
I told you to leave well enough alone
That I'm putting myself back together on my own
You heeded my warnings not

You looked at me as though I was all you saw
And into my heart and life you clawed
You spoke to me through my favourite songs
Made me feel like to you alone I belonged
You said you never felt this way and that I was your safe place

I wonder now
When I look at you

How hard it must've been
For you to pretend you're all in
How you must've hated every moment we touched
Though how well you did fake lust
I shudder to recall

How difficult for you to fake those looks
All your tricks,  you said you learned from books
Your romantic ramblings must've been so tiring
You made me feel like I was dying
How hard was it for you,  I wonder

You faked it all so convincingly
Everyone believed it,  even me
I thought I met my other half
While you thought you were smart
I hope someday I'll find it funny

For all your great intentions you forgot
About what happens at the end,   we both lost
You lost a friend,  I a lover
You quickly went back to your other
And I am back at the start

So your pretty words didn't fix me like you hoped
I was doing fine,  I would've coped
Just fine without your interference
Your intentions were careless
You broke another piece off me

I love reading Bukowski
and if I could pick one person to have dinner with,
he would be it.
He got it.
And I want to tell him I think I get it.
In his poem one tough mother fckr, he talks about this survivalist cat. How this cat inspired him and he holds up the cat
and says this is what its about, look,
and they don't get, and the cat knows its *******.
I love how he said it was a beautiful fight, still is.
And how winning the war within yourself is worth winning.
I want to get drunk with him and tell him I think I get it.
I have fought battles and wars my entire life, and find it beautiful. There's a beauty in finding peace and letting go.
In getting up everyday when you have no reason to.
Plowing through the hard days and then looking back on the good ones, smiling, knowing you made it.
Battle worn, scarred, older, maybe wiser.
Certainly takes more whiskey to get you drunk
and more cigarettes to fill the lungs
More pills to help you sleep but you're still here, tough mother f@ck*r
It was a beautiful fight, still is.
The battle is never over.
For some, there's always another around the bend.
Small victories and large defeats.
And I celebrate them all.
because if there was ever a fight worth winning, you are it.
None of us are getting out alive, its the living that matters.
So live well enough that death trembles to take us.
I want to tell him I think I get it.
And have a bottle or two with him.
And celebrate him and myself and it all, the good and the bad
and live before I die.

There is a bitter line
That runs through the generations
Of women in my family

This bitter line runs across their faces
From one cheekbone to the other
Where their smiles used to be

From years of knock downs and
knock outs
Of life winning
And love losing

Strong women, With beautiful features
Hard battles fought,  won,  lost
Reduced to a bitter line

My line stays and dissipates
I pray my bitter line this time won't stay long
Because of you

My list of goodbyes for this year
Have been extensive and excruciating

I've lost more than I've gained

Every goodbye was difficult
Tearing at the hem of my humanity
My sanity

I've lost more than I've gained

I feel so much older and harder
Yet none the wiser
Just More broken

I feel I like I've lost

Every goodbye is etched into the crevice
Of my ever in creasing in stone hardening heart

And yet it weeps
for what it refuses to let go

Ive lost

Every battle takes its toll
I used to pride myself
on my resilience
but every bite has left its mark
and its a hard won fight
if this is what winning looks like
looking around at what is
left over
in the aftermath
of the hard fought wars
this may not be victory after all

Lying alone
In what was once
Our sweat soaked sheets
Torn between shame and regret
Over the secrets we're
All forced to keep
Whatever this was
It has changed me

One sided affliction where
Once presumption of
Soulmate resided

Torments

A moment please

To Accept

What

I am Letting Go

Whilst wounded
I've no anger
In this heart

Toward you

I want to wake up on my tummy with the sunrise
and your kisses down my back
I want the memory to replace the one
where his leaving implied I lacked
I want your fingers trailing through my senses
erasing his fingers off my skin
I need you to be relentless lover,
whatever your name,
you are here to build Mexico city on top of atlantis
and I can't afford for you to fail
I need you to be so very brave,
to evade our monsters to be lust's slave
I'm sure you're eyes are green
but all I see is piercing blue,
and while you kiss me I feel his lips on me too
lover you are losing this battle
between my heart and my head
I'll be sending you along soon
so I can be restless alone in my empty bed

My mind refers to you now as a plunderer
For one who takes what isn't freely given
Surely is a thief

And while I smiled while you took what you took
I did protest,  though not vehemently
Yet softly, as is my nature

And quietly,  as is yours,  you stole
My ability to trust, my belief in honesty
I had just relearned those qualities

In one silent but grand gesture
you both instilled
and refuted my belief in fairytales

Though you shed a light
on a part of me long time dead
and brought her back to life

gratefully so, looking back,  the cost,  
i think, is higher than I was willing
To sacrifice ,  had I been offered the choice

Of course,  you kept
saying I could walk away
not implying what staying would signify

You won't be
Forgiven
For the lies
Your fingertips
Left

Down on bended knee
Relentlessly praying
Yet
Selective amnesia eludes

She cant wrap her head
Around the fact
That she cant get her body to move

She cant wrap her head around
A single coherent thought

She cant understand why
Her lungs cant breathe
"Move feet, ******"

She never understood
Emptiness so completely
Until he said
He overcame his addictions
And outgrew her

And soulmate instead
Leave
A stale state
On my tongue

it would seem i have to rethink my view
my point of view on you
because i think we lost
as my limbs fill with frost
my eyes closed with unshed tears
my future suddenly bleak filled fear
i think we lost this time
after all  our silly crimes
all the crazy **** we got up to
youre now telling me its over, we're through
i think your eyes tell a different story
that you still feel that wild love for me
but you say you bought a nice big house
and i say you're a ****** cowardly little mouse
so you say you love that fat old hag
and i say i taught you all about love, thats my bag
but still your walls i cant crack
and in your voice, i hear all i lack
and i think we've lost for good
i always knew in the end we should

I walked today in the place of the dead
we all mortal will oneday rest our head
No tear rolls down my cheek
I feel not much at all so I wiggle my feet
uncomforatble still, I stare at the grass
where all the living and dying at some point pass
Youve made your peace five years prior miss
you really dont need to be going through this
letting go is the harder part
Im ok and walk away with peace in my heart

You've
taken
things
from
me
not
meant
to
be
taken.

And while I held the door shut
You jumped through the window
Bringing your devil magic lust
Disguised as love
Plying the whims
Of a willing participant
With your rainbow coloured dreams
And alluring nightmares
Of how our ghosts
Could get along
And your monsters
Protect us
When really what I needed
Protection from
Was your lust disguised
And colourless dreams
Your empty words still
Echo
Through these hallways
Of my mind
Out all the way through
Down the hallway
To an empty kitchen
Where we cooked breakfast
And ate dinner
And laughed.
once

You wrote in the back of your diary
You need to remember to be kinder to me
You needed to love me unconditionally
Your to do list left me cold
While I unpacked my old life
Into the current state
7 years too late

I found your diary
In a box of my old life

I made lists of my own
Remember to pack your books
Remember to return the ring
Remember to say goodbye to our dog
I tried to be so careful
Not to take what was not mine
To take memories and not take memories

Your list was harder to read
You needed to remind yourself
Of your for love me
If i had found your diary
Not 7 years too late
It would never have been
7 years to waste

Remeber to be kinder to her
Remember to love her unconditionally
Treat her with respect
You havent asked for it back
I guess she has what i lack
I guess you dont need
To be reminded
To love her

I wear all my labels with pride.
I am some terrible things, but even from them I don't hide.
I am selfish though I try to be kind.
I am a firm believer of speaking my mind.
I believe to live and let live. I always accept much less than I give.
I abide by my own twisted moral code.
Its ok for me to do what I like as long as you've been told
Of the monster I can be Then I am free
of the burden of guilt coz you've been warned.
That at some point on our path you will be burned.
I'm not proud of some of these things.
But I also carry my consequences as part of my being.
So yes, I am an ***, I can admit.
Why you ask do my friends put up with it?

I'm always so much fun,
still up partying with the sun.
Always laughing, always a good time.
Never selfish with what's mine.
I can hold my whiskey next to any man and more.
Most likely drink him under the floor.
My word is yes. which became a problem.
I'm only ever the fun girl to them.
I don't get the romantic fairy tale.
The happily ever after with storms and hail.
I always go home alone. I am weary to the bone.
Of this fun girl act
but she has all the things I lack.
I've come to despise this fun label.
As it leaves an empty seat next to me at the table.

Can't they see the beautiful me inside?
I paint, write ****** poetry and some days I cry.
I took a decorating course and one to cook.
Its all there if you take a deeper look.
I love music with soul
and burn candles and intense to help me feel whole.
Some nights I don't sleep.
and my 3 cats are the only company I keep.
My dad died and my ex was an addict.
My life hasn't been very easy or fantastic.
But they don't care about any of those things.
They only want the fun I bring.
I'm tired and drained from all of this.
But I won't pack her away,  imagine all the fun I'd miss

Where once
   Your fingertips
       Trailed
   Only essence
      Of nothingness

Remain

10 months ago I lost my life partner.
Lost is a funny word to use I guess
He left,  I didn't lose him but I chose him
Funny thing is I missed my life,  when he left
But not him

5 Months ago I thought I met my soulmate
He didnt
Losing this boy felt nothing like that
He took my heart and I had no say
I did not get to choose

Having to restart my life was hard
This,  having to live my new life
Now empty of all I lost
This is something else.
This feels nothing like that

This is the difference between heartbreak and just goodbye

And sitting crossed legged here
in the middle of the sideline
in the aftermath
of the war keeps me still
this silent fight
being fought on opposite ends
of the battle lines
wears me to the core
leaves me defeated
weather worn and sore
our casualties worse for wear
while we dance around what was
this pressure cooker silence
needs to linger a little longer
the silence is deafening, defeating
it is making me strong.
Your white flag changes
Everything
Nothing

like the sun on a sunny day
you beckon me come out and play
I hesitate afraid to burn
the more I fear, the more I yearn
you keep me on such a short leash
my heart has never a moments peace
my knees grow weak
a silent tear rolls down my cheek

you tear me apart
as you claw at my heart
you push and pull at the strings of my soul
wont you rather heal me whole
like the wind in its own wild way
you led me too far astray
did I beg to enter your home
or do I beg to be alone

raindrops against my window
his head and mine against my pillow
in the warmth of his face
I'd rather be no other place
its a long tiring struggling fight
it will be an even longer night
only when he parts from me
can I trust myself to be completely free

This time
Is different
I tell myself
Every single time

Tonight I have my own demons to face
As he stands; asks mercy of grace
Would he repent?
Where would he be sent?
Would he have forgiven me?
If this all he could see?
Would he have love for me?
If he saw all that I do be
Am i not just like him,
Do I not commit the very same sins
Flesh of my flesh
With which I am blessed
Soul of my Soul
Maybe now he'll be whole

I send forgiveness
To your door
She returns
With her refusal
To knock
Not yet
she says
Not yet

I am haunted
by
things
that
do not
haunt
me

There is
A fine line
Between appreciation
And ownership
Which I seem to fall over
Scraping my knees
Too often
Too Continously

Anger
Sit on my
Fingers tips
Waiting
To touch you

I loved you quietly in the shadows between the dawn and dusk
You said you really liked the scent I used,  it was musk
I only loved you for a little short while
Had I only known our road was only long a short short mile
If I could go back and change things,  never have met you,  I would
But if I could change the present,  I also wish I could
Our quiet connection was a secret
You belonged to another,  so I would keep it
You undressed my body and mind with one of your intent looks
It took mere moments for me to be hooked
Hooked on your stares,  your smiles,  your disguise
My favourite words were all your pretty little lies
You spoke to me though all my most loved songs
Made me feel like I found home,  like I belonged
Kindred spirits,  I thought  you and I.
And you said it first,  so I didn't deny
And  now you are no longer here
I sit alone with my thoughts and fears
I don't know if any of it was real or fake
This seeming game of which I did partake
The worst part about not knowing if it was real
Is that my sorrow,  to you,  like a cruel joke I feel

Other nights I hate you
Just for being you who are
The way you share yourself with others
It's disgusting
And how when you walk into a room
It lights up and people like you
Your smile is contagious
It's annoying
The way you seem to take over
And make everything better
Perfect,  brilliant
It's irritating
And when you leave people still talk
And I listen with an unabiding ear
Because it's soothing
That's other nights
Tonight I wish I were those other people
Being lit up and charmed
It's bittersweet