dit reen altyd iewers in kaapstad
en altyd iewers in my hart
branders golf diep binne my
nes jy is hulle altyd vry
jy weet ek haat jou nog partykeer
net so tussen die branders se golf en kom weer
hou my vas en ek sit waar ek sit en jy weet
van die dinge wat ek nie kan vergeet
so hier sit ek en sug
en onthou van die diep merk op my gewrig
en weet van die rede
hoekom ek hier sit en maak vrede
met myself en met jou
wat my nie meer vashou

Tonight I have my own demons to face
As he stands; asks mercy of grace
Would he repent?
Where would he be sent?
Would he have forgiven me?
If this all he could see?
Would he have love for me?
If he saw all that I do be
Am i not just like him,
Do I not commit the very same sins
Flesh of my flesh
With which I am blessed
Soul of my Soul
Maybe now he'll be whole

its late and i'm restless
i couldn't care less
i plunder though my days
as you drive me slowly insane

I want to run to you and scream, in your face at the top of my lungs.
I want to know who holds your grace
and breathes your wings
I want to know who catches your quiet tears
and voices your silent tongue when it cant sing
Who is it that knows your fears that you pretend to hide so well
Who seeks them out within your soul and makes them disappear
I want to know who is it that makes you whole
and hears your screams
when no one's there to see you shout
Who is it that holds you close
and gets you through the night
when you cant be alone with your solitude
I want to run to you and Shout
"Have you had your fun?"
"Can we stop this charade?"
"Are you ready to love me now?"
but I never do
I never do

My tender lips do shout out loud
My fingertips are more than proud

to hold you close and feel you near
loneliness a while do fear

Peaceful bliss in your coming
A little while without longing

I have drowned in your sweet embrace
Lost in the smile on your sweet face

like the sun on a sunny day
you beckon me come out and play
I hesitate afraid to burn
the more I fear, the more I yearn
you keep me on such a short leash
my heart has never a moments peace
my knees grow weak
a silent tear rolls down my cheek

you tear me apart
as you claw at my heart
you push and pull at the strings of my soul
wont you rather heal me whole
like the wind in its own wild way
you led me too far astray
did I beg to enter your home
or do I beg to be alone

raindrops against my window
his head and mine against my pillow
in the warmth of his face
I'd rather be no other place
its a long tiring struggling fight
it will be an even longer night
only when he parts from me
can I trust myself to be completely free

How can I stay
When I'm in my way
Where do I go
When this is all I know

I carried the sun on my back to light your day
The moon at night to guide your way
I wrote you special poems
But all who listened were the garden knomes
For you were too busy to see
Too busy to notice me
You did what you wanted to
I could no longer follow you

And now
There is no trace of you here

No longing
Knowing you are near

I'll be your shadow when you walk
I'll be the last word when you talk
I'll be the wind on your face
Of your footsteps I'll be the trace
I'll  be the last drop in your cup
Even the steam from your tub
Through an open window I'll be the breeze
When you're cold I'll be the freeze
When you hunger  when you slumber
I will be the cause
And then when you dare to dream
I will be there it would seem
You will shout and you will suffer
For you cannot find the roots
Of this s. Austin and this haunting
Being bestowed on you
Still as you breathe I'll be your breath
And as you live I'll be your death
My presence will be overwhelming
And it will be surrounding
And it will always be there
Just to haunt you just to taunt you
Just to show you just how much I cared
My love,  so close that's how I'll be
Just out of reach and so I will teach
Just what you've lost in me

You seem to know
Just when to come around
And say hello
When I've reached my lowest low
And can't seem to say no
Can't seem to say anything
But barely hello

There is this man I know
Apparently he lives nearby
I see him from time to time
As he walks on by
On his way to go to where ever
He needs to be
Doing what ever it is
That needs to be getting done
He must be very important
For he walks so purposefully fast
And in looking so professional
Dealing with his tasks
He does have a way about him
I'd mind admitting to see
Even sipping on his drink
Gracefully handling his own company
So well he does these things
All on his own
So sad he does them so well alone
When he used to do them with me
Constantly

Other nights I hate you
Just for being you who are
The way you share yourself with others
It's disgusting
And how when you walk into a room
It lights up and people like you
Your smile is contagious
It's annoying
The way you seem to take over
And make everything better
Perfect,  brilliant
It's irritating
And when you leave people still talk
And I listen with an unabiding ear
Because it's soothing
That's other nights
Tonight I wish I were those other people
Being lit up and charmed
It's bittersweet

Sometimes I just like to watch you
Doing best what you do
Sharing yourself with others
Watching them being mesmerised
Watching you being you

Sometimes I want to touch you
Where your eyes can sometimes touch me
When just  simple look from you
Can cut right to the core of me

Sometimes I want to hurt you
As your ignorance does me
Those days I want to shake you
To make you feel the same

Sometimes I need to love you
Even though you can't feel
Even though my touch feels numb against you
Your skin immune
Sometimes I just need to

Sometimes I still do all this
Sometimes it's all I can do
Sometimes it's all I have of you
That little bit
Sometimes nothing at all

If I spoke to you now
I wonder what you'd say
Would you have found your longed for happiness
Forever and a day
Or would you still be melancholy
With your burning urge to flee

Perhaps you have a number for me
To which I can place your call
Yesterday was a good day for me
But today I'm very small

I only want to talk a while
And find out how you are
I won't tell you about my trails
And how you fell so far
I won't ask why you jumped to freedom

I just want to say hi

I wonder
What you saw when you looked at me

Drinking with the devil's thirst
Smoking the cowboys dirt
Laughing much too loud
Walking round the next day in my ex's stolen underwear
Bloodshot eyes and ready for another round

I was chaos and storms
I was weather worn
But inside I was holding me together
With the too loud music and too much fake smiles
I was something too behold

I wonder what you saw
When you looked at me

I was told you like to fix things
And to you I'd be the ultimate challenge with all my broken dreams
I told you to leave well enough alone
That I'm putting myself back together on my own
You heeded my warnings not

You looked at me as though I was all you saw
And into my heart and life you clawed
You spoke to me through my favourite songs
Made me feel like to you alone I belonged
You said you never felt this way and that I was your safe place

I wonder now
When I look at you

How hard it must've been
For you to pretend you're all in
How you must've hated every moment we touched
Though how well you did fake lust
I shudder to recall

How difficult for you to fake those looks
All your tricks,  you said you learned from books
Your romantic ramblings must've been so tiring
You made me feel like I was dying
How hard was it for you,  I wonder

You faked it all so convincingly
Everyone believed it,  even me
I thought I met my other half
While you thought you were smart
I hope someday I'll find it funny

For all your great intentions you forgot
About what happens at the end,   we both lost
You lost a friend,  I a lover
You quickly went back to your other
And I am back at the start

So your pretty words didn't fix me like you hoped
I was doing fine,  I would've coped
Just fine without your interference
Your intentions were careless
You broke another piece off me

Such a quiet feeling with no words need speaking.
Such quiet words doing so much healing.  
Never knew quiet could say so much.  
Never knew how deep and thorough quiet could touch.  
Comforting how empowering silence can be.  
Comforting how silence looks at me and sees me.
So much silence says without saying anything.  
So much calm to my restlessness silence's nearness brings.
Silence sits quietly next to me when I don't want to speak.  
Quietly scolds me when I don't want to eat.  
Silence doesn't scream or shout or fight.  
Silence holds me close and helps me sleep at night.  
This silence brings air to my lungs so I can breathe.  
This silence is possessive and protective and likes to mark me as his and bare his teeth.

We built jumping castles on top of sand castles
And called it art
Unique
Beautiful
Then you ripped it apart
And I don't know how to turn that into poetry
That lasts

You flow though my veins and me
I'm trying to write you out to set you free
You don't belong to me

10 months ago I lost my life partner.
Lost is a funny word to use I guess
He left,  I didn't lose him but I chose him
Funny thing is I missed my life,  when he left
But not him

5 Months ago I thought I met my soulmate
He didnt
Losing this boy felt nothing like that
He took my heart and I had no say
I did not get to choose

Having to restart my life was hard
This,  having to live my new life
Now empty of all I lost
This is something else.
This feels nothing like that

This is the difference between heartbreak and just goodbye

I loved you quietly in the shadows between the dawn and dusk
You said you really liked the scent I used,  it was musk
I only loved you for a little short while
Had I only known our road was only long a short short mile
If I could go back and change things,  never have met you,  I would
But if I could change the present,  I also wish I could
Our quiet connection was a secret
You belonged to another,  so I would keep it
You undressed my body and mind with one of your intent looks
It took mere moments for me to be hooked
Hooked on your stares,  your smiles,  your disguise
My favourite words were all your pretty little lies
You spoke to me though all my most loved songs
Made me feel like I found home,  like I belonged
Kindred spirits,  I thought  you and I.
And you said it first,  so I didn't deny
And  now you are no longer here
I sit alone with my thoughts and fears
I don't know if any of it was real or fake
This seeming game of which I did partake
The worst part about not knowing if it was real
Is that my sorrow,  to you,  like a cruel joke I feel

I fell in love with a pretty blue eyed boy
He had pretty words and pretty eyes
He saw right through  my disguise
I fell in love with this boy
Who said I was his soulmate and his safe place
But he belonged to another and it was a disgrace
So I fell in love with this little boy
Against my better judgement,  I knew I shouldnt
I tried to stop my silly heart from falling but I couldnt
I fell maddeningly hopelessly in love with a boy
I was happy and it was perfect for a little while
But he left as silently as he came and stole my smile
Still I fell for this silly boy
I fell for his empty words and pretty lies
The discovery that he didn't share the emotions came as a surprise
I stupidly fell in love with a boy
A boy who lied and pretended and never really cared
For all his intentions all he left was despair

ek kyk vir die girl in die spieel en wonder of sy weet
*** hard ek probeer om haar te help vergeet
ek se vir haar ek hou van *** sy lag
en *** hoog sy mense wat dit nie verdien nie, ag
sy sug en trek haar skouers op en af
"die lewe is te kort om almal te straf"
se sy terwyl stadig wegkyk
en nog n stukkie van haarself weg smyt
ek fluister sag "as jy so aanhou gaan daar niks oor wees"
antwoord sy " ons is niks meer as vlees en gees
wanneer more kom, beteken vandag nie veel
als verander en tog niks want die son bly geel"
nikseegende donker oe kyk terug na my
ek is bevrees die girl gaan leeg bly

its not always sunshine and happiness
sometimes some days everythings a mess
i miss the comfort, i miss the cold
i miss not feeling so young, so old
i miss saying hello and waving goodbey
i miss the glue that killed me
that kept me alive

ek het iemand nodig om namens my te bid, te pleit
my gebede val soos ouds op dowe ore ongehoor
ek voel oud en alleen uit gesmyt
ek het nou op gehou pm te glo ek kan toor
ek het ver geval en seer gekry
ek het op gegee op my
my kop en my lyf probeer mekaar so ver moontlik vermy
weereens het ek myself verloor
ek is te moeg om op te staan om weer te begin soek
ek is bang vir die kry, die kruis verhoor
ek voel teen gekant en vervloek
ek is niks nie anyways

finally na jare se rusteloosheid
jare van verlore wees, rond soek na my
elke avenue na jaag, opskop en my kniee numb pleit
het ek my vrede om jou om my gekry
my en jou se safe place
weg van al die jare s elies en disgrace
ek vat my dae een vir een soos ek kans sien
en dit sal n lieg proe as ek nie se my verlange le diep
het altyd gedink as ek beter was sou ek jou verdien
maar ek was te naief, te jonk, te blind
het myself my gevoelnes verbied
ek was moeg vir wag, die seer, die verwyt
moeg vir die fluister van trane oor my wange en die verlange
ek wou nie die weggeooi meer wees, wou jou weg smyt
bang vir alleen wees, wou nie die faulty een wees, bang
ek het vir ons ons eie soace create
n safe place waar nie ek of jy mekaar ooit weer kan forsake
ek hoef jou nooit weer te soek want ek weet waar jy gaan wees
finally you can help chase away my fears

its in the space in between
in the sound of his voice, deep and mean
not what is there, but what is not
spaces so vast, emptiness forgot
my sins leave me without sleep
all my secrets i still keep
is that what you see when you look my way
did you, too, notice the decay
was that on your mind when you turn your back
do your thoughts linger on all i lack

ek is deurskykend, transparant, deurmekaar
opsoek na my vrede, my mensweesm my wees
ek voel so secondhand, so op gebruik, so klaar
bid vir verlossing, a trade in vir n nuwe vlees, nuwe gees, beter wees
my oe hoop op vol trane on gehuil
ek slaan lelike kolle uit in my sogenoemde persoonlikheid
maar dis alles ek, ek wat my vervuil
ek wat my eenkant hou, ek wat my uit smyt
ek wat ja se al wil als binne my nee skree
ek wat bly staan terwyl ek moes weg hardloop
ek wat myself wou uitvee
ek wat myself vir cheap thrills verkoop
maar hirdie ek is te oud om te kniel
hierdie ek word te oud om te glo
so ek staan waar ek staan en verniel
en ek bly staan sonder n tree en verloor
kyk dis ek wat hier staan, te sad om te bid
te seer om te huil, versteen deur my toedoen
daar is geen hande vat en aansit
maar ek dra dit met n smile want dis my skoen

his eyes were smaller than i recall
though still the colour of the first autum leaf's fall
being neither really brown, green or grey
perhaps if you could colour the word distant or frey
it was noted how he remembered more good than bad, than i
every conflicted night, smallest arguement and really hard fight,
etched into my mind's eye
its harder to hate than to love, and im tired of the fruitless fight
cant love any longer from here, and ive really no right
my essence is empty, my heart still bleeding on his icy floor
in a maze, in a haze, in a daze frantically i search for an exit door

i sit aside quiet and bruised
you left me here old and used
to no rhythm does my heart beat
i cannot feel my fingers or my feet
you haunt my dreams
and its you who echo through my screams
you left with barely goodbey
you didnt want to try
all those things that taunt me
they reach inside beyond me
while they fill my soul with numbness
and hollow out my body with clumsyness
my silence be my armor plate
with my silnece i will clear the slate
a single word from you crumbles my defence
your sweet lips tricked my body into making amends
"can i call you sometime?" "dont you dare!"
all this is too much for me to bare
i fear my heart will soon stop beating
ive nothing left to use for weeping
you took everything i gave
and went back without me to your cave
sorry i think ill wait here
until all my healing are words no more
and when all my feelings are pain no more
maybe then ill get up
and try walking again

never again will my heart skip a beat
i'll forget everything from your fingertips to your feet
deep wounds never really heal
too many hours of lost time do they steal
only to reveal
that the memories never really leave
and a part of us will forver grieve
even when we are too old to remember anymore
we'll still carry a sense that we lost something we once longed for

it would seem i have to rethink my view
my point of view on you
because i think we lost
as my limbs fill with frost
my eyes closed with unshed tears
my future suddenly bleak filled fear
i think we lost this time
after all  our silly crimes
all the crazy **** we got up to
youre now telling me its over, we're through
i think your eyes tell a different story
that you still feel that wild love for me
but you say you bought a nice big house
and i say you're a ****** cowardly little mouse
so you say you love that fat old hag
and i say i taught you all about love, thats my bag
but still your walls i cant crack
and in your voice, i hear all i lack
and i think we've lost for good
i always knew in the end we should

ek staar dae lank na n lee wit muur
binne my brand als soos vuur
in eensaamheid word ek toegevou
buite kou die druppels dou
die laaste uur voel ek so koud
voel so amper amper oud
al die dinge wat my pla
dra ek diep, dit volg my na
ek kou en herkou
my tong so amper flou
steeds ***** jy naby my
en ek kan jou net nie kry

Ive lost this fight
and every one, every other night
All the breathless screaming
and pointless pleading
In the very end
I regret to repent
has left me alone and very old
silently kneeling in the cold
Ive nowhere left to turn
all but the last fire's ashes left to burn

every night i ask of grace
when i stand alone my demons to face
to keep me safe from harm
please work your magical charm
so that safely ill wake
the new dawn to take
some nights for my life i fear
please lord, please just stay here
please just until i fall asleep
later i'll wake, promises to keep

i wish that you couldve been around
everytime that i fell down
i wish our pretty eyes could see
what your silence does to me
seen my tears fall often and plenty
from my broken heart still and empty
wish i could still see you everyday
say those things i meant to say
remember our little house by the ocean
and we'd sit all day and watch the motion
no i thought not
thought you had already forgot
thought you forgot our memories so dear
that was the greatest of my fear
soon enough i knew you would
i just never thought that i could
im broken from falling
and tired from crawling
but slowly my life is getting organised
im sure for everything ive apologised
souls end up where they loved the most
when my day comes
i hope im in your arms by the coast

There is no "us" i wanted to scream
Its all just a pretty see through dream
We fought heaven with lust
Too broken, too burnt to trust
You wont let me in, I wont let you out
We swin in this sea of doubt
Back and forth we go
All of it just for show
Not brave enough to stay
Too shallow to walk away
Back and forth, back and forth
Until it all has lost its worth

Al wat jy my wys gemaak het is dat seer die selfde voel
Maak nie saak van watter oord dit spoel
Ek en pyn ken mekaar al jare
Jy het my niks nuuts laat ervaar
Daar is geen onderskeid binne my tussen jou seer en syne
Dit le nou als binne my, dis als nou myne
So wat bly oor van jou sogenoemde goeie intensies, wil ek weet
Binne n jaar of wat het jy als hier vergeet
Die bietjie wat ek gehad het, het ek met jou gedeel
Dit was nie wat jy wou he, my hart het jou verveel
Ek was net n goeie tyd wat jy op gedress het en liefde genoem
Terwl ek lee hande daar gestaan het en jou met my hele hart gesoen
Ek wens ek het harder probeer en jy het net geluister
Toe ek hard en saggies, en aanhoudend nee, nee, nee deur jou soene fluister

I walked today in the place of the dead
we all mortal will oneday rest our head
No tear rolls down my cheek
I feel not much at all so I wiggle my feet
uncomforatble still, I stare at the grass
where all the living and dying at some point pass
Youve made your peace five years prior miss
you really dont need to be going through this
letting go is the harder part
Im ok and walk away with peace in my heart

across my path i met a gypsy
who wants eveything to be beautiful and everyone to be
he weaves a blessed magical spell
with the places he's been and the tales he can tell
he pours his colourful soul into passionate pictures
wears bright shirts with flowers and big coats with furs
he respects my boundaries, accepts me
understands my craziness
encourages me to be
he creates a new world out of bliss
he says he's walked miles barefoot and in other people's shoes
he wants to slap on a dress and I a beard
and we'll get on stage to sing the blues
on my battered me, a mark his soul will sear
then he looks at me with his blue eyes and smiles his sad smile
and I realise I'll never know his demons or the depth of his fears
but I hope he stays a little while
he helps me face me and leaves his peace here

Its all there
In the Jack for breakfast
& the too little sleep
In the too quiet laugh
& the secrets I keep

Trust me its there
In the music loud & hard
& the black devils I don't smoke
In the too much of everything
& the nothing in my throat

Its there where there's no quiet
In the chaos of the storm
where stories are being told
the magic; the fire; the mirror
Its all there to behold

You wrote in the back of your diary
You need to remember to be kinder to me
You needed to love me unconditionally
Your to do list left me cold
While I unpacked my old life
Into the current state
7 years too late

I found your diary
In a box of my old life

I made lists of my own
Remember to pack your books
Remember to return the ring
Remember to say goodbye to our dog
I tried to be so careful
Not to take what was not mine
To take memories and not take memories

Your list was harder to read
You needed to remind yourself
Of your for love me
If i had found your diary
Not 7 years too late
It would never have been
7 years to waste

Remeber to be kinder to her
Remember to love her unconditionally
Treat her with respect
You havent asked for it back
I guess she has what i lack
I guess you dont need
To be reminded
To love her

7 years of my life
Fits into 8 boxes
In a 2x3 container
20 minutes from here
And a few scattered pieces
Left lying around
I take 5 breaths a day
And 14 steps
To here and back
Its all i can do for now
While she sleeps in my bed
And pets my dog
And he cooks her dinner
In my pans
While she sleeps
In the boxers i bought him
While she closes my curtains
While she holds his hand
While she lives my life
My life that fits in a 2x3
And i sleep alone

She cant wrap her head
Around the fact
That she cant get her body to move

She cant wrap her head around
A single coherent thought

She cant understand why
Her lungs cant breathe
"Move feet, ******"

She never understood
Emptiness so completely
Until he said
He overcame his addictions
And outgrew her