at times, i wish i hadn't learned to love so much.

there is always a lingering weight in my chest;
my heart, already fragile enough,
fights to carry it through every waking moment.

hellos are my favorite things, but they're merely precursors
to the poison of goodbyes, to the sickness of loneliness
and the yearning to be elsewhere
in other places, with certain people.  

tears fall as quickly as grins go from ear to ear,
roaring laughter easily fades into deafening silence,
and this wishy-washy soul is one i could never get a hold of.

but what would i be without love,
without the burden of feeling?
what would i be without the days spent day dreaming,
the moments i run out of breath
from gushing about people and moments,
the nights spent crying all alone,
and being vulnerable to the world,
but feeling the best of it anyway?

i love, but i hurt.
i hurt, but i love.
and that is all that matters.

The best gift
you can
ever give to
someone is
your playlist.
Give them all
your favorite songs.
It'll be like giving
away a musical
representation
of your soul.

There was no magic,
nothing.

All he wished for was a spark, some light.
nothing.

He looked at his reflection,
nothing.

He looked up,
nothing.

Down,
nothing.

But little did he know that behind him,
there was,
something.

There always was.

//KZ.M

Constantly searching for an inner serenade to bring us hope
Finding words in such burning silence
Fighting the desires of lust and passion
Waiting for a lover to come
Waiting for a lover to arise
Amidst the sea of self
There is a calling
That everyone should accept
A calling to find our path
A calling within these rushing seas
These rushing seas that gushes like madness
Like feelings that moves
That moves with the tidings of life
Seas that keep searching amongst us, within us... Flooding the depths of the mind,
These seas of self that constantly search for us, beckoning us to find our way

FIND YOUR WAY

*Evna-Luna© 2016, August

I am trapped inside myself
Inside this flesh and bone
This vessel
Used to be numbered 5
When it was sick
Now 18
I want to leave this cage
Find a new one
Feel beautifully hollow again
Sick or not
I don't care
Sick is better than this

I cannot wax poetic
About the feelings on this flesh
I have no pretty way of wording
The destruction I desire
There's no beautiful way to say
I want to cave in
Until I am barely here
Until I am bone

EDNOS is:
 confusion.

-starving for days,
 then bingeing every day for a week.

-puking until you see blood, 
because you failed yet again.

-starving again, 
because you’re too fat to function.

-puking some more,
 because you’re not strong enough.
EDNOS is: 
manic.

-running for hours,
 because running makes you thin.

-exercising in the early morning,
because every minute counts.

-constantly fidgeting, 
because moving burns calories.

-counting calories like a pro,
 because everything has to be exact.

-organizing everything,
 because it calms you down.
EDNOS is:
 horrible.

-pulling your head out of the toilet,
with tears running down your face and puke all over.

-fake smiling at everyone,
 because no one would believe you if you were honest.

-your mind spinning 100miles/hour,
 because demons control your thoughts.

-comparing yourself to everyone you see,
 because you’re too fat to be a part of society.

-wanting to die every second, 
because you’re not perfect.
EDNOS is:
 me.

Who says depression
Must be gray?

It's not

I see red
In the blood
From my cuts

I see,
Blues, greens, purples
In the bruises
From the
"Accidents"

I see white clearness
In the tears
From the sadness

I see orange and yellow
From the hot
Bursts of pain

So take it from me,
Depression
Is not simply
*Gray