Again, I have failed.

I have failed myself,
I have failed my mother,
I have failed my teachers,
my future, the time.

I ignored what they asked
my responsibilities
I threw in the trash.

It keeps haunting me,
day and night,
the need to run away
from everything
Yet its still hovering above me
and it pains me
its scares me
it kills me

but this time
it won't let me let it go
and cry

You don’t customize your thoughts based on anyone’s blasé judgment.~ Amitav

This is my suicide note
To all my friends and loved ones
How can I explain my sorrow?
But in my heart I knew this was the only level of control I still had

The moment to moment
The day breaks softly over the heart of immediacy
And so it goes as I slipped into the past
I could not take it any longer

But I could take that feeling
The gentle push of sanity
Faith in choice and reason
If only I could take that still

So say goodbye to everything you knew before
Say goodbye to listless seas
of calamitous ennui
The devil set my course

And pardon my lack
Of ponderous ambition
And slight of hand
Because I was never a very good card player

So come clever little witticisms
That sum up life on a dime
Because they make it so much easier
Than knowing the ugliest truth

Of the eternal empty knowledge
Born through beyond doubt
Through painfully obvious vision
Religious in its scope

Oh and did I mention that I’m not dead yet
The ***** ridden down, shallow then steep
And petering out at the end
To a third act in a hospital room, Nostalgic and satisfied

So here it is
My note for the loved ones
The ones who could not save me from myself
From a fate decided long ago

sometimes i wonder
how many people
I’ve talked to for the last time.

sometimes I wonder
how many people
I’ve hurt and how many
I have yet to hurt.

sometimes I wonder
how many times I’ve passed
the person I’ll marry.

sometimes I wonder
which of the people I love
will die first.

sometimes I wonder
when I’ll die
and if that will finally
make me happy.

We have met once before.
You lined the sky.
Mostly with blue.
Sometimes with pastels.
You threw up clouds.  
Smiled translucent rays.
Exhale fresh of lavender fields.
Let me explore you.
Run through you like a field.
Embracing every grace me with your presence.
Soak into me with your intoxication.
Fill me up from every pour.
Step into this.
Get me lost.
Deep into your winding paths.
Pour out of me.
Spit love off my fingertips.
So I can touch things with true love.
Let me be something.
More than anything I want to be your something.
Filled up and dripping with acceptance.

Hello Poetry,

Do you have a minute?
My mind keeps drowning in this pool that I've been diving in
It keeps on talking but my heart's just not listening
I hear a knock between my chest that doesn't seem to end
It mentioned love
And I don't want to let them in
Cuz last time, they ran off with my heart again
Anyways I thought that I would share this with you
Its the only way to get these words through
You seem to listen
And I appreciate that
I hate to admit but this love is more permanent than the skin on my back
I'm black
I know theres no changing that
And the time I wasted with them there's no changing back
But I miss them
Why is love sometimes the enemy
They say that I'm crazy
Because I'm the only one defending me
See,  everyday the same ritual
My only fear is that the feelings aren't mutual.