there are cracks in head
the same way there are cracks
in the ceiling of your mother’s kitchen

i tell myself they all formed
from all of my thinking
and all of my feeling

your mother’s ceiling
kept crying all of those nights
she wouldn’t stop yelling

one day we won’t even notice them.

keep me close
it’s been seattle in my head
and i can’t quite find my way
back to a sunny coast

i need you to hold my hand
and pretend i’m not crying
when you can feel my tears
soaking the sleeve of your sweater

i know i’m a writer
but i’m not always good
at translating the language of my head
into words you’ll understand

sometimes
i just need you to keep me close
and hold my hand
even when you don’t understand

you called me your sunlight
pulling your budding petals
out of the ground

i want to help you grow
into every person
you’ve ever wanted to be

i think you’re beautiful
facing towards me
becoming someone new

keep your head up
i’ll shine all my light on you
even when you feel like you can’t win

don't lose me in the sunlight
i want to be your pretty boy
kissing you sweeter
than the cream filled coffee

i cannot dream of letting go
of your hand when we are together
and i wish you were here
every second that we are apart

we can get lost in rain forests designed
like labyrinths from greek myths
but it won't matter
as long as we belong to each other

tell me, my love
do you really believe in me
the way i so desperately want
to believe in myself

you think i can move mountains
but i have to get to the mountains
before i can even think about
shoving them around

i'm stuck in a river
that doesn't know which way to flow
sometimes i'm three miles closer
and seven miles farther

tell me, my love
do you really believe in me
but truthfully,
i hope you do

before i met you
i loved the idea of you
and who you would be

i made my mistakes
so that i could leave every piece
of who i was behind

before i met you
i was a mess of thoughts
stuck in my own head

i began to drown
in my own solitude
of perfect loneliness

you call me your sun
but honestly
you are mine

follow me into the evergreens
that clutter up the inside of my head
you can crack my skull open
and pull out everything you want to know

let me climb the mountains
you have manufactured in your heart
i’ll go all the way to the top
slow enough to not miss anything

i’ll dig the first hole to the center of the earth
and come back with a jar full of molten lava
if that’s what you need from me
if that’s what you want from me

there have never been walls between us
but i am a mess
and i think you probably are too-
not even that can stop me from loving you

finally
i've collected the remnants
of my battered heart

i found paper clips and staples
to hold my organs together
until i find needle and thread

i'm not sure when that will be
it took years of self hate
to merely sort through the mess

i don't need your help
to keep me sane
but it'd be nice if you stayed

i was in love more times than i can count
before i met you in the heat of summer
in the wrong coffee shop
on the wrong street
but maybe i was never in love before you

every girl who’s hands have mingled with mine
have always felt forced
and clammy
and fleeting
and bounding

it was anxiety hugging my body
tighter than any of them ever could
and a cloud of desperation
separating them from me
love was always about power
or who could lust the hardest

i always won.
i always left first.

you’ve showed me that isn’t love at all
but i beg the questions
what is love
who am i to say
who are you to give it to me
who are we to create feelings only we can feel

we are artists making notes of reactions
while we show each other a world we never knew existed
the things that have always happened
in our peripheral vision
but never felt important to notice

this is what i want to feel
freedom.
freedom.
freedom.

perhaps it was my fault-
i never begged for your forgiveness
i simply floated away

maybe you're rose
maybe i'm jack
or maybe it's the other way around

you were desperate for a love story
but you didn't think of the end
and how i never make it there

i was not born to be
your sunrise and moonbeam
that's too much responsibility

sometimes things just don't work out
especially when i stop trying
perhaps it was my fault

i want to know about all the boys
who have loved you before me
and how many of them
you said you would love forever

i don’t want to make your list
of forgotten yesterdays
or names that you can’t stand
to hear anymore

i want to create something new
a love you never thought
you could possibly feel
for any human being

there are shallow forevers
that float from my mouth
but you are heavy
you are real

part i.
this was the first.
i ached for you to grow a backbone
as strong as the one
you always pretended to have.

you crushed the positivity and optimism
i falsely provided
in hopes you would find it comfortable.
it was never comfortable.

your mother peaked over you shoulder
to ensure you left me.

you made me stop smoking
but i never really did.
it felt like a dream beneath parking lot lights
as the smoke filled my lungs.

at least now i’m free.
does this mean i can **** other people?

part ii.
it was the summertime
your breath was as hot as the pavement
i willingly put my barefeet on
to meet you by the curb

you were at the beach
sober
i was in my bed
drunk.

you talked about faith
and constant comparison
of who you are and who you were
nothing was good enough for you.

i had no intentions of hurting you
letting you cry into the sand
next to a person who didn’t even know my name
but intentions aren’t always executed

i ripped your love from my chest
and tossed it to the side.

part iii.
it only took three months.
if i had to prioritize the losses of that winter
you are not ranked number one
not even number two.

i did not cry for you
it made me sick
you made me sick.

i clang to a bottle of whiskey
sulking in regret
but not for you
it was never for you.

i thought about your father
the way he exuded disappointment
the first time we met.
it was almost a game to me.

i thought about your mother
i imagine she cried and cried and cried
reminding you of who you were
to anchor you to the picturesque daughter
she had always dreamed of.

i thought about your brother
he was a joke to me.
the stature of a man
with the demeanor of a child.

we were never going to last forever
not even in my best dreams.

part iv.
this one was the worst.
it hurt the most.
i don’t think you cared.

why are you here

your main talent was making me feel
unloved
unimportant
unwanted
i don’t know why i stuck around

this one hurt the most.
forced conversation reminded me
we don’t have enough in common
and you’re not that interesting.

i knew everything about you
while you didn’t know me
how was i the person you loved
when you didn’t know me

why do you even want to stay
just go home.

part v.
this was the end.
finally.
i wanted to call you a liar
and tell you i never really trusted you
but i held it in

i don’t think i was in love with you
not anymore
not the way i used to be
not the way i wanted to be
not the way i pretended to be.

you always should have known
i wouldn’t be the person
you could live the rest of you life with
you never stay with your first.
i knew that in the beginning.

maybe we’ll get back together in the future
or maybe i’ll never hear from you again.

you broke my heart
into so many pieces
i’m still picking it up

it feels like shards of glass
threatening to puncture my lungs
or break apart my rib cage

part of me wants to beg for you
to come back to me
so we can figure this out

another part of me wonders
if i did get you back
would we even be in love anymore

how to tell him you don't love him anymore:

1. call him by his brother’s name, the one who was always a little more handsome.
2. ask him to buy you flowers. leave them dead on the kitchen table with a sticky note labeled US on the vase.
3. turn your read receipts off.
4. what did you say? i wasn’t listening.
5. remind him how much his mother despises you.

bottle up all of your emotions
until they pour out on a touch screen
with misspelled words
and whiskey tainted tears

scream that you’re still in love
even though he hasn’t bothered
to ask how you are
or if your family misses him

tell him that you are a volcano
waiting to turn all of his regrets
into hot white ashes
when he finally wants you back

he doesn’t owe you anything
except a decent apology
but you’ll have to pull that
from his weak bones

i will continue to suffer
until my bones are dust

you will forget i am hurting
forget my heart is breaking
into too many pieces to pick up

these things are outside
of my realm of control

but it will not change
the way i cannot stop suffering
from your decisions

give me all of your love
i will soak you in
through all of my starving pores

come into my bloodstream
and make yourself comfortable
no one can reach you there

let me make art for you
until my hands are paper thin
and barely work

i will love you until my heat beats
so deeply into my stomach
i become a shell of who i was

let me have all of your love
i’ll be selfish with it
i’ll keep you safe

kiss me like you’ve never kissed anyone
like you’ve never had a boy
leave you feeling sick
let go of all your apprehension

let me permanently plant my lips
to the rough edges of your body
so that just maybe
i’ll give you enough motivation to keep going

i might be hard to love
but i’ll love you so hard
all of your bones break in halves
from the force of my soul

you were my first girl kiss
and it was clumsy
and it was bad
but we did it six more times

we stopped talking four days
after that kiss
and you moved away
three months after that

you were two years older than me
and that seemed like a lifetime
when i was thirteen
and sneaking out of my house

sometimes i wonder
what you're doing now
or if you're happier now
than you were here

sometimes i think about you
laying in your bed
drinking beer
talking about nothing important

i hear songs that remind me
of lazy winter afternoons
we kept promising
to quit smoking

i’m too full of pride
to admit that i miss you
but lately
sometimes has become all the time

we used to jump over fences
until one of us inevitably got hurt
it was always me
i’ve always been good at losing my footing
my main talent has always been forgetting

you used to punch my arm
and we would hide in the storm cellar
we spent summers building roofs
and digging up more space

now it’s a forgotten monument
in a backyard with no fence
a staple of my childhood
i haven’t been inside of since elementary school.

i didn’t swing the hammer when i should have
you yelled at me with more vigor than i liked
your behavior has always been innate
you shoved more than you pushed

but i guess i compartmentalized until it made sense.
i forgot until i couldn’t.

here i am.
again.
in this unfamiliar house

this bed reminds me of you
and all the drunk secrets
that never escaped these sheets

i remember how your tears fell
when i didn’t have the right words
to mend your heart

i guess that’s not important.
not anymore.

the tv is new
and so are we.

i miss your sweaty palms
you radiate enough body heat
for the both of us

i miss your voice
you always have something to say
and i always have ears to listen

i miss your laugh
you snort loudly enough for people
to know we’re having a good time

i miss the way you call me baby
maybe i’m being selfish
*but i need you so much closer

i am a lake of emotions
you are a skipping stone
causing ripples in me
until i finally engulf you

forgive me for my waves
i have forgotten how to touch
a lover with a hand
that is actually loving

just follow the blue line
it’ll take you to the in-betweens
of all your decisions
before you can ever make them

one step leads to another
to another
to another
until you find a place you want to stop

rest your head at a travelers inn
a ***** motel off the highway
you can hear the bugs crawling in the walls
so you light up a cigarette in bed

buy a six pack of beer you don’t like
from the local gas station
the guy doesn’t card you
he just wants to know where you’re from

don’t tell him you ran away here
to a small town in another state
to stay in an old ***** hotel
because you got your heart broken by some girl

these are details that don’t matter
you laugh it off and say you’re passing through
well i hope you pass through again soon
i’d like to hear your voice again

with a brief head nod you are out the door
thinking about your hotel room
and chain smoking
and never going home again

i hoped when the sun
finally showed its face
we would be okay again

the light still hurt my eyes
my skin still soaked in its rays
but i can’t say your name

the crater in my chest cavity
has expanded so wide
i think the sun itself could fit

maybe when all the light
shines through me
you’ll find me again

the lines on the highway
are the closest thing i have to home
there are miles between
the people who held my heart with gentle hands
and the people who snarled their teeth to tear it apart.

i think of my grandmother's tears
falling from her face to my arm
and my grandfather's last exhale of hope
telling me that i have to be good
we are family mija
we are together to be good

i imagine blade penetrating skin
to be covered in the blood when it exits
i imagine his beer falling from his hand
half empty
half full
soaking into the ground

all over the fence
jump the fence.
jump the fence.
can you jump the fence?

the sun removed his alcohol saturated blood
from the ground my grandfather called holy
sometimes we stand at the window
he signs a breath of remorse
a breath of regret
a breath that says everything

this is not my home.
where my heart was torn apart
by snarled teeth.
there are only lines on the highway.

i keep the words i want to say
hidden between my teeth and tongue
one day they will come out.

one day my heart will stop hurting.

i’ve memorized the way your hands
feel when they’ve been holding mine
so tightly your rings leave red marks
in between my fingers

i know what your sheets smell like
and the way they feel on my bare skin
with your skin pressed against mine
for our few moments of solitude

i can feel your legs
intertwined with mine
when it’s the middle of the night
and i’m too cold to pull away

i know how your voice is going to sound
and the pitch it’s going to take
before you can even muster a response
to something i’ve said

*i’m in love with you
and i’m okay with that

whose door do i knock on
when i’m bleeding from my chest
do i call your phone
or do i lie down instead

you’re the first person i think about
when someone says the word home
love
forever

who am i to become
if i’m not becoming with you
does a path exist for me
that’s not intertwined with yours

can i still knock on your door
when i’m bleeding from my chest
can i still call your phone
or will you hit ignore instead

do you remember that morning
we sat drinking coffee long enough
for you to be late to work
and me to be late to school

you called me son
and i used to believe it
you asked me to never leave her
and i promised i wouldn’t

i think about that morning often
you didn’t dare meet my eyes the last time
i bumped into you at the market
that still hurts me

i’m sorry i left her.

i’ll fall against you
like small drops of rain
tapping against your window

my hands are cold
but they are gentle and soft
when they meet your skin

let me tap your skin
and soak your clothes.