I remember when I was in the hospital and I didn't sleep for two days straight because I swore to god that if I did the demons would step out from under the bed and seep into my head.

I remember when it was three am, and I was shaken awake from the girl three doors down shrieking from the night terrors that her mother embedded into her skull with her fist and a belt when she was eight. But, they were then stored away until she was thirteen years old and a man swore that he'd beat her if she didn't cooperate. So, now they hide during the day, and creep back up when the sun falls.

I remember when I witnessed a boy unintentionally scratch at his skin until he bleed for an hour because the voices inside of his mind told him that if he didn't hurt anyone else, he would just have to hurt himself. and he swears he'd never hurt anyone besides himself.

I remember when I met a girl who had cuts up and down her arms and legs from when her mother told her she'd never survive the world because she isn't good enough. But, I swear to god that she was the strongest person I've ever met.

I remember when my roommate stayed up all night rocking with bloodshot eyes and deep purple circles underneath of them because she swore that if she slept the monsters inside of her head would crawl out and bleed into her soul.

I remember when the boy five doors down hit the wall so hard that it shook the entire unit because he hallucinated a man and a little girl trying to strangle him, and he swore he could feel the noose around his neck.  

even through all of this, for some odd reason teenagers think it's lovely to have deep scars and to hear voices telling them to **** themselves and everyone around them. I swear, nothing is lovely about demons eating at your brain and thoughts.

I remember when it was four am, and I was up weeping from the fact that people think my suffering is lovely.

I can swear to you, it's not.

The day I met Ana
Is the day I died.
They day I met Ana
I thought I would survive.
20 pounds to go.
To look like a pro
Ten pounds to go
Are my bones starting to show.
500 the first
400 the next
The calories went down like the fat on my chest.
I started to feel dizzy.
Empty inside.
I started to feel happy
Thinner with more pride.
One bone here.
Another bone there.
My heart was stopping.
It couldn't be more clear.
But Ana loves me.
She'll never stray.
No matter how many go,
I know she's here to stay.
It might cost me health.
It might cost me my life.
But id rather die than be fat.
Skinny is my dream tonight.

It started with fun nights and stopless laughter.
It started with sweet kisses in our blanket fort, warmed by the lights hanging above us and surrounded by the soft music repeatedly mumbling love words.

It faded into talking less and only hours within 2 weeks of seeing each other, but that didn't bother us.
It should have.
It faded into ignoring each other's texts and hiding from words that start with L, hopelessly wishing that the initial spark would hold up a house of cards instead of burning it down.

It is presently a mutual relationship of two acquaintances who act like they don't know what to do with their freed hands hanging loosely instead of being held.
It is presenty an awkward time for me. Where I don't want you, but I miss you, or the things you used to represent at least, like passion and things that aren't supposed to be.

Key words: aren't supposed to be.

Measure our nights
by the sighs of the moon.
Count the stars
till we run out of room.
Lie here beside me
'neath the comforting sky.
Make me a pillow
of your warming thighs.
Bring my roar to your lips
as my salt you sip.
Twice kissed silken cries
your wakened delight.
Measure our nights
by slumbering sighs.

r ~ 5/2/14

I awoke this morning before the dawn.
You were gone.
You forgot to turn the coffee-maker on.
Ai.

r ~ 4/30/14

I call her Moon.
              Why, you ask?
Because she is light
     when my nights are heavy.

r ~ 4/24/14

You have to fight for everything, even yourself.
Nothing was ever built for weak people.
But you are precious.
You are all the things I never believed in but happened anyway.
You are all the last thoughts of the last moments of someone's life. All I ask is that you always find your way home like you lose everything except for this.
Remember that wind is a language, like everything else, and every time you meet a new person you are discovering how to believe in people. And where we live, there is a lot of wind.
So in effect, I believe War is another way of saying I love something so much that I can't stop breaking whatever makes it sad.
And where we live, there is a lot of war.  
And courage is the form we take when we become someone else's second chance.
Remember that Earth is cold, that the world is a scary place to live, but ask yourself what the world is made of.
We all bleed the same amount, and we forget that if you ask for freedom then you have already lost it.
That sometimes running and leaving and going does not always take you somewhere else, and that in order to keep things, sometimes we have to lose them.

I've often been asked
The season my heart belongs
It’s fall
The leaves turn gray
Yet their beauty stays true
Perhaps because
Their beauty means rue
The death surrounds us
Color’s eminent coup
Yet hope remains
Despite devil’s due
For this dying color
Means life will begin anew
And life is only beautiful
When death receives his due
Beauty,
Deaths due