It's crazy what can happen in a day;
in an hour; in a moment; in the blink of an eye.

One minute you're fine, the next you're in utter chaos.  
One minute you're complete, the next you're empty.

All in a matter of seconds the sky can go from being bright and clear to being grey and disastrous and the same can be said about people.

You never know when a storm cloud is going to strike until it's too late and you're stuck in the rain without an umbrella.

6:15 am*                04/28/16


I’m sorry.

I just wanted to start out by saying that.

I should have fought harder for you; I should not have let myself be persuaded into letting you go when I knew I didn’t want to. The truth is, I was scared- I was scared that I wasn’t going to have enough. That I wasn’t going to be enough. I know now that I was wrong. I would have been strong and I would have been okay and I would have loved you more than anyone could have imagined. Even if it was hard I would have worked through it. But, I doubted myself, and that’s where I failed you.

I could just blame everyone else around me and say “I didn’t have a choice,” but to me that’s just taking the easy way out and avoiding my faults to try to put my own mind at ease… but it would only make me feel worse. I knew I had a voice and I knew I had the choice to speak up and use it but I didn’t. By the time I realized that, it was too late and my fight wasn’t heard. I tried… but it took me too long and it was already happening and I couldn’t stop it.

…

You would have been so loved. Everyone would have spoiled you rotten. The kids (my siblings) would have been especially ecstatic to have a new baby around. My mom would have been happy to be a grandmother (as I’m sure your dad's mother would have been as well). My grandparents would have welcomed you as a great grandchild and you would have been worshiped by my grandpa who absolutely loves babies. I’m sure your dad would have been upset for a while I was carrying you, but when you actually got here he probably would have been completely different about it. He would have had no choice but to love you, too.

And I would have loved you. I did love you. I didn’t even know you yet and I loved you already. I still love you and I always will. I know it’s easy to say “I’ll never forget you” and then stop thinking about it and move on and forget- but you were such a big part of me, even in the short amount of time that you were mine, that I won’t ever be able to forget you. You are a part of me now and you’re here to stay, even if you aren’t physically here.

You will always be loved.

You will always be missed and you will always be remembered.

R.I.P 04/25/16.

(never forget: 11/26/16)
                           ^Your birthday.

Too quiet or too loud.
    Too aware of my surroundings or too far into        
    my own head.
Too social or too isolated.
    Too distracted or too focused.
Too anxious or too emotionless.
    Too awake or too tired.
Too giving or too selfish.
    Too many thoughts to speak or too little to
    form a sentence.
Too easygoing or too manipulative.


             Too much. Too much. Too much.

and the only thing that gets me through the
day is knowing that someday my skin will
change. it will change and it will shed and
soon enough i will have a clean slate and
i will have a body covered in skin that you
have never touched. maybe someday my
mind will do the same and i can forget that
you were ever a part of me, someday i will
let go...

... and i need to leave now. i think it
would be easier because now i realize that getting
attached to you would be stupid- and
i can't afford to make anymore idiotic mistakes.
i can't handle being broken again.
i can't, i can't, i can't.

The sad thing is you had someone who would
bend over backwards and crawl through
fire on my hands and knees with swords
in my mouth- I would have bent myself
into any shape or form to find which
you liked best. But you never gave me
a chance and you never will and I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I wasn't enough. I'm sorry I couldn't
be what you were looking for. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

aries:** tell us why you always feel like you're letting yourself down,
even when you try your hardest. tell us who made you believe
you'd never be good enough- what was their name?

taurus: when is the last time you felt like someone cared
about you? why is it that you feel like you're all alone in
this world? where has everyone gone?

gemini: how many times have you cried this week? how many
times were your tears over people who don't even think of you
any more?

cancer: tell us about how you can still feel their fingers in yours.
tell us about how the last time they held your hand it burned-
better yet, tell us why.

leo: how many times can someone kiss your wounds before they heal? when will you finally be able to move on again?

virgo: why do you feel like everyone is out to get you? why
is it that every time someone looks at you, you feel like
they're planning to hurt you? who was it that betrayed
you last?

libra: you're always getting caught up in what everyone else
thinks- but what about you? why do your own thoughts and
opinions get pushed aside if they aren't like everyone else's?

scorpio: how many times did you repeat that you loved them?
how many times did they tell you they didn't want to hear it?
tell us about how it felt like you'd been punched in the chest
and how your heart hasn't beat the same since.

sagittarius: why do you pretend not to have a heart? why
do you wear a cloak to cover yourself up? why do you
feel like you have to make a joke out of love? why can't
you let anyone in?

capricorn: if you really loved yourself, you would know it,
wouldn't you? so why is it that when you look in the mirror,
you can't tell whether you like what you see or not? tell us
what it's like to be afraid to search for beauty in yourself.

aquarius: how do you feel now that the storm has calmed?
did everything turn out the way you thought it would or has
your house been more damaged than anticipated? why is it
that when you look for help with rebuilding everyone
seems to be too busy with their seemingly untouched homes?
who was the first to turn their back on you?

pisces: why do you look for love in all the wrong places?
why do you go after the most damaged people? tell us
about how you want to be able to fix people because
no one ever offered to help fix you.