I am haunted by the things that embarrass me
Every mistake, every misstep
Comes rushing out
As I lay in bed, trying to sleep
And I’m desperate to cry aloud
And I try to pretend
That I vacuum them away
Into my own Pandora’s box
But that’s the trouble—
It’s irresistible to open—
And I fight the memories as they flood forward
And I close my eyes and squirm—
How can I make them stop?
I can’t sleep for reliving every memory
Of things I wish I’d never done
The things that I question
Did I make a stupid choice
Or did he—
And I blush and I curl up
And I feel so alone
And I can’t forget those awful things
And I think it’s ruining me

There is no greater pain
Than to love someone, and then to hate them
Form up a strong resolution to be impenetrable
Only for them to ask forgiveness
And tear down your wall
Because you know in your heart they don't love you
They can't, they never did
They miss your attention
But don't reciprocate the affection
And yet you can't let go
Because there's a foolish amount of hope
That maybe this time, this time they will love you
That maybe being a friend can lead to something more?
But you know it's not true!
And yet you listen to the pining of your heart
Because, somehow, it's supposed to make it easier

sometimes
i take
a really
hot
shower
as if
i could
burn
away
that time
in yours
when it
wasn't
a choice

Staring out the window
I only see your face
Smiling, joking, laughing

Across the way, there’s a house
And in it, all the lights are on
Warming, glowing, sharing

And there I could see us
Radiant in all that brilliance
Dancing, living, loving

i don't usually dress up--
it makes me feel embarrassed
to think i look pretty in these nice clothes
so fancy, so cute
when i look like i do,
and i don't want people to think of me funny
because i thought i could dress this way
so contrary to my usual style
so opposite of the quiet loser
most have come to expect.

but sometimes i wear my favorite clothes
when it's late at night,
and no one is around,
and i put on my high heels
and that charming sweater dress,
and i look at myself in the mirror,
and wonder why i feel ashamed.

What I can't seem to figure out
Is that
When I look at you
My heart lights up
It burns bright and fierce
Sharp and strong and thrilling
And yet
My mouth turns down
My eyes frown
And the singing flame in my heart
Burns like shame across my cheeks
The gears in my head freeze
Even as my heart begins to melt
My flesh crawls
Even as it tingles
At the thought
Of you on my skin
I want you close
Even as I want you far
I want to let you in
But I can't

loss of appetite
broken flight
as you leave my
sight
now i've cried
so you might
ask me why
quite, as if you and i'd
spend the night
but instead i try
to fight
the feelings inside
that scratch and bite
eating away my
light
and boy, i've strived
with all my might
thinking that i
am worth your time

One sits
She’s so haphazard
And the other floats
Also, I guess, haphazard
One crushes the grass and rips up roots—
She plays
The other brushes wings, kisses the earth
Drifts away

Thanks to my obsession with you
I've not been my usual self
And thanks to my obsession with you
I've not been a good student
And thanks to my obsession with you
I've not been the best of sisters
And thanks to my obsession with you
I've not been able to sleep
And thanks to my obsession with you
I've not been able to think
And thanks to my obsession with you
I've not been able to focus
But thanks to my obsession with you
I've at least had happy moments

Do you ever just smile
And catch yourself wondering
What caused it?
And then you remember
You were thinking about his smile
And the goofy way he chuckles
Right after you’ve said something clever
But he doesn’t want to admit it’s clever
And the way he fights a grin
When he’s thinking something coy
Right before he says it
Or just at the memory
Of all those countless times
He’s stopped by to say hello
Or maybe you’re remembering
That smirk he had
When he realized it was you…

i am not much of an artist
but sometimes, i doodle
and today i found in my notes
a beautiful sunflower
gold and yellow and brightest green
so much sunshine
and yet
carved over its face
i'd drawn a blue frown

My life has already far exceeded my expectations
Not in the sense I’ve done all I set out to do
Or accomplished all my wildest dreams
But in the sense it’s lasted longer
Than the storybooks said it would
And beyond the point I understood
And now I’ve all this time on my hands
And lists of things to fulfill
But most of them tedious, boring
Or not really worth my time
Not exactly what my childhood dreams projected
My life has become something unexpected

It’s always hardest for me
To be creative when I’m happy
Because I just,
I dunno,
Want to enjoy the moment
And then relive it over
(and over)
And over again
Blushing at how nervous I was
Giggling at memories of snarky quips
And fighting grins
Because those memories
Are the best I can do

sometimes i wonder
if words can ever be enough
when someone else can make something wonderful
with just their two sturdy hands
and someone else can do something amazing
with their incredible, supple body
and someone else can speak something intriguing
with their lovely, silken voice
and someone else can make you happy
with their better personality.

I drew a smiley face on the window
And as I watched the fog fade away
I wondered what it meant

it's mind bafflingly frustrating to know
that the reasons i like you
are the same reasons i hate you

Isn't it funny
That you can be healthy
And then weigh yourself
And be obese?
That you can run four times a week
Workout everyday besides
And check your weight
And have nothing but hate?
Isn't it funny
That you can look in the mirror
And love what you see
Then look at the scale
And back to your reflection
And everything is wrong with you?
Isn't it funny
That you can be perfectly happy
Until you find out your "size"
And suddenly you can't stand yourself

Who Am I

I think a lot about this question
Who am I?
And who am I, really?
I’m just a girl
Who looks like she’s ten
And is really a woman
I’m a college graduate (oh my!)
Who has a great path set out for her
But isn’t sure it’s the one for her
I’m just a dreamer
Who thinks about bugs and books
Being a park ranger, a writer, maybe president
But prefers to hang out with her dog
I’m just a tryer
Who makes a lot of mistakes
Who used to believe embarrassment was the best teacher
But now thinks it’s probably just the fastest
I’m also a sister
Both an older and a younger one
Who loves her siblings
But also hates them
And desperately wants to be a good example for them
I’m a traveller
Who has been to more countries than states
But really would rather stay at home
And read a good book, or watch Lord of the Rings
I’m a worrier
And God, do I worry
I worry about my family, and my pets
I worry about money and losing my skills
I worry about meeting people and embarrassing myself
But often I just worry about that question,
Who am I?

sometimes i hate creativity
he sneaks up quite unexpected
and if i leave him neglected
he leaves me for eternity

Do you remember being a kid
And video games meant everything?
When you died, or lost,
It was the end of the world.
It was just fundamentally wrong
To say, “It’s just a game.”
But it was just a game.
None of it was real.
And yet you shoved so many people away
Because they didn’t “get it.”
You were so angry and you shouted
And you blamed everyone else
When really, who else’s fault could it be
Other than your own?

i have to thank you for what you said
because, without it, i'd never've dared
you ****** me off with your skepticism
so now i'm out
to prove you wrong
(*******)