Meditation is sniffing lines until the pain goes away.
Meditation is hiding in my room until the sun goes away.
Meditation is found in the countless women I've let inside, but never to stay.
Meditation is the ice cold razor that clears the fog that accumulates in the day.
Meditation is when the heart tries to find the words to say,
but my mind finds ways of distracting it and keep it at bay.
I find the strength to meditate everyday, it's good for you, or so they say.
But everyday I feel weaker, how long before I'm no longer stuck in the gray?

You cannot take away the storm within me as much as a sailor cannot control the waves of the sea.
I am the storm, I am me.

My mind torments my body, it tells to drink until I no longer function. It tells me to drink until I get full and my belly grows. Then it tells me to sniff a few lines to get skinny, to not sleep, to be numb.
My mind tells me I'll die alone, that I'm pathetic, that my words carry no weight.
My mind gets jealous of the lives I see online, the lives appearing more exciting than mine, until it eats me to my core.
My body endures the abuse. Like the women who put their hands over my throat. I struggle to breathe, but my body endures. I keep walking even when my mind tells me to stop and jump from the bridge.
I push these thoughts away, but it rarely succeeds and kills another part of me. So I keep abusing my body, I **** and forget. I drink and regret with that old sharp reminder.
My body endures, but for how long, I'm not quite sure.

I woke up on the same bed but the room was different. It was no longer cold, or loud. The room itself had no end. Death opened the door where a doctor once stood. Light shined through as death gestured towards it. But I was too scared to move. The light was peaceful and it did in fact call to me. But it was fear of the unknown as most of us feel. Death however I did not fear. He was sinister looking and cloaked in darkness but thats how humans created him to look. We wish to fear death but he is not the villain. He grants us peaceful passage into the next life. Death sat next to me on my bed. He told me to look into the light and not to fear it. For it is another journey. I climbed out, lighter than I had ever been. My spirit floating alongside death. I passed through the door and was blanketed in white. I look back and death waves. I wave back as I'm enveloped in the light

Inhale you in my lungs
Inject you in my veins
Memories of you still stuck in my brain
Connected as one
Soon to come undone
You were not the one

The omniscient lullabies play through my speakers
a quiet night on the road
a lucky strike sparks to flame
the vaporous smoke fills my mouth and lungs
the songs they fill my voice
a sip of whiskey to keep me warm on this cold night
the moon reflects with a light brighter than the one inside me
the company I take for granted
a meeting of lonely souls on a cold bed
followed by a sweet release
and a swift goodbye
on this road I go
until the flame is gone
and the songs have stopped
and the whiskey is gone
on this road I go, until I can go no more

They loved each other deeply. They would often joke together about their differences in age. He would talk down to her as if she was still a child, and she would pretend to throw out her back. Even one year she bought him a walker for his birthday. They laughed, but secretly he was holding the pain in. He didn't want to be seen crying on his birthday. For she would instantly feel guilty. He loved her so much he didn't want her to feel distraught. But secretly he was scared. He was scared as the years grew on. He was scared of growing old. He was scared of dying. But most of all he feared her needing to take care him. When he wouldn't be able to on his own. When his memories of their youth start to fade. When everyday was a struggle just to exist for both of them. I've seen days last longer than years, and years pass in a single breath. My dear child, you are breathing too fast.

I tried so hard holding on, my heart was aching but you moved on, we used to be friends I thought we could make amends.
Start all over again your heart was mine to win. You claimed to be too busy, couldn't find time to even text me, made me feel like I was going crazy, lying in bed so lonely, just wanted you to hold me.
That's now the old me, no longer hearing voices, telling me I'm out of choices, harming yourself is the only way, that will surely make them pay, started agreeing with them much to my dismay, but I've kept those demons at bay.
Went through nights of binging, in the morning my stomach was cringing, popping pills to distract me from pain, this is the furthest I was to sane. No amount of time will make me forget you, there's always a place in my heart meant for you.
The memories we shared, like our minds were paired, makes me want to get impaired for how much I cared, the thoughts still hurt, makes me wanna get put in the dirt, all I needed was your love, could've made me rise above, but that's no longer reality, that sounds like a fallacy, you almost became the end of me.
But that's alright for now, I'll press on with my head unbowed, I've made my vows, the rain soaking my brows, on these lonely nights I walk the city lights, the wind bites as I gaze at taillights. The rain on my face, finally filled with grace.