This is for anyone who's ever been with someone for a long time, and you were friends before then. Let's say you were friends for a few years and you decide hey, we have chemistry. Then for a few years you date. Then things end badly, that person who used to be just your right hand, they used to be this figure of comfort for you, the one you told everything to becomes this painful memory. You can't even remember what it was like when you two were friends.
You guys used to laugh and knew nothing about each other’s lips or the mole she has right above her ***** line, but you were happy together. You knew that she loved chocolate ice cream and you shared music. She laughed at your dumb impressions of indie musicians and you were happy.
Then you guys had *** one day, well I mean you were probably already having *** (it’s the 2000’s) but I mean this time it meant something. You looked her in the eyes and realized this is right. This is the person who you love. The person you've spent all this time with is the person who's been right for you all along. In that moment she realizes it too, she doesn't want to admit it. If you are me you had to pressure her into it. I told her I didn't want to have *** anymore unless we made a commitment to each other...and just like that we were together.
Romantic, right? Friends for 4 years and suddenly we were lovers. It was a rocky start; she was cold and unaffectionate even though you had been affectionate before. But then one night she said it, I love you. She cried and told me she loved me as we made love. I had never felt so proud.
Flash forward a few years and we just can't stand to be in the same room together. She gets drunk and tells me I ruined her life, that I'm the cause of all her problems. She sobers up and tells me it was just the liquor. Just the liquor, yet she drinks every night as if she doesn't understand the correlation, the cause and effect of every Gimlet she downs and then she drowns me in sorrow.
This wide eyed little girl I made friends with years ago is a sad eyed beat up adult, who hates the world and cuts herself in secret. Then the moment comes, we finally end things. And you know what at first it's like freedom. I've wanted this for so long. To be free from this monster we've created. To be free from her keeping me from finding someone who will make me happy.
But then I realize this break is like being stabbed. I don't know if you've ever been stabbed so I'll break it down. At first you feel this horrible pain, just more immense than you can fathom. I cried, I cried for hours screaming at the top of my lungs. I sat in my car begging her not to leave me. Then she left and the next step in being stabbed is numb. Your body goes into shock and you feel nothing. You feel absolutely nothing, you know you should feel something but you just don't. Then the healing process begins and every time someone touches it or you brush up against this wound it hurts. Not as much as being stabbed but it hurts a lot. Pretty soon it becomes a scar and a painful reminder. Every time you look at it, you remember.