Daddy yelled at me - "Stop crying, and take it like a man!!" - and I shriveled up into myself, being a baby again. I tried to think of all the happy things we had done before that - Daddy let me watch him play WOW, and he played a board game with me, for the first time since I had met him! - and there were a couple, but it was hard not to feel the pain, and to not cry... Eventually, though, I learned to stop; when Daddy told me to pull my pants down, and bend over the edge of the bed for a spanking, I did it shakily, but I did not cry, even if Daddy hit me with a belt. I 'took it like a man', but it seemed Daddy did not like that, even though that is what he had told me to do. He yelled again - "I might as well spank you double, since it doesn't seem to bother you!!" - but I did not cry. This made Daddy stop eventually, but when Daddy turned into Father, I wished I could get the physicality back. The shaming, and yelling, and screaming, and fighting was so much worse - it made me want to die. When I told father this, he only did it more; so I tried to die. Then he left me on my own, ashamed of me; from then on, I wrote until my fingers callused, and drew until my hand cramped, to have a world of my own, where nobody was shamed for wanting to cry, or end their lives.

You always point out every flaw dad
Always reminding me of everything I do wrong
You never cared how I felt dad
Always comparing me to someone else
I already know how stupid I am dad
Believe me I’ve been told thousands of times
That’s why I want to move away from you
You’ve made me feel alone dad
While still saying you’re my friend
I cared but you didn’t
That was my problem I accept responsibility for that
But the hardest part about letting go is that
I’ll never hear you running after me
Deep into the cold

Do you remember that time of innocence?
When the horrors of the world were invisible,
and you were so much more than invincible?
Do you remember when you didn't doubt for a second that you were amazing?
When you wore those "crazy" things,
And sung at the top of your lungs, unashamed?
Do you remember when you raced outside at every opportunity?
When catching fireflies were the only thing you could think about in the summer,
Other than swimming in the open sea?
Do you remember when laughing came so easily?
When you didn't catch the naughty things in kids tv programs,
And when you had a million perfect life plans?
Do you remember when you woke up early, because you couldn't wait for the day?
When you spoke so fast, because there wasn't enough time,
And when you created a trillion random things, because you wanted to?
Do you remember dancing, or bobbing your head to some random tune in your head?
When you ran out into the rain, without shame,
And screamed until your lungs ached?
Do you remember when you learned everything, and wanted to still know more?
When you were so proud of getting one thing right,
And not caring if you weren't perfect?
Do you remember watching your older siblings, or grown-ups do things, that made you say "I can't wait until I grow up!"?
When you loved yourself, without a doubt,
And had the power to do anything, or be anyone?
I do.
And I wish I could have all of that innocence, and freedom back.
I wish that openness, and self-love had transferred into my more mature life.
I wish that nonchalant way of doing everything had stayed.
I wish that careless way of dancing and singing had tagged along.
I wish that I had stayed carefree for longer, instead of quickly becoming cynical, and depressed.
I wish that I had never pushed to be a part of the grown-up conversations.
I wish that I had never rushed into intimacy.
I wish that I had held onto my wildest dreams.  
Because, now,
I regret every time I said
"I can't wait until I grow up!",
Because each time I said those words aloud,
Its pushed me further away from my imagination and wilderness faster, and harsher.
Because each time I said those words, and every single adult around me said that I should hold on to my childhood,
I replied with anger and irritation, not knowing the hell that I was rushing into.
I want to go back,
Don't you?

Your face.
Your face.
I don't want to see it.
But I do.
Every.
Single.
Morning.
I see your face,
In my mirror.
And I hate it.
Your face makes me want to scream,
and scream,
and scream,
until my lungs ache from the pain of letting you go.
But I can't.
I can't.
Who could let go of someone so vital?
You are the only person that I could  
never forget.
You made me...
How could I let you go?
I want to...
But it is impossible.
It is impossible,
even though you came to my seventh birthday,
high and thoughtless.
It is impossible,
even though you introduced me to a  
beast who would later destroy my capability  
of trusting and loving.
It is impossible,  
even though you watched me waste away as a child,
while you put fire in your veins.
It is impossible,  
even though you have stabbed me in the back,
EVERY time I came to trust you.
It is impossible,
even though you let my sister fall apart,
after being violated by your girlfriend.
It is impossible,
even though you created me with a  
beast who does nothing but  
shame and control.  
It is impossible to let you go.
I can't let you go.
I can never let you go,
Because you,
are my mother.
You are my mother,
no matter how much of a stranger
you have been my entire life.
I have no choice
But to forgive you,
Because I want my mom.
I need my mom.
Please.
You have done awful things,
and I am ******,
but I will never
be so mad that I don't want you to come back to me.
I will always want you to come back to me.  
Please,
just come back to me.  
I love you.
And I need my mom.
Mom, please.
Just once, tell me you'll stay,
and mean it.
Just once.
Once,
Please.

There was a burning, and sinking,
all at once.
My skin seemed to tremble, and freeze.
A solid thought refused to form,  
and in place, irrational explosions were born.  
My eyes could not focus,
jerking every painful way.
My ears seemed as if
they didn't exist.  
I could sense the vibrations of footsteps around,  
lost souls trying to help one,
but I could not hear them;
My brain refused to register any attempts to save me.
My consciousnesses wavered,  
My lungs not wanting to hold air.
Black came,
and then went,
and god, I wish it all would end!
I am going to die,  
Nothing is working right!
I feel like everything is shutting down!
I am going to die!  
I am going to die!
I am going to die!
I'm dying!

There was a time when I was willing to forgive you,
But that was a long time ago.
That was before I had terrifying horrors of you playing behind my eyelids as I slept.
That was before yelling came to send me into panic attacks.
That was before everything associated with you made me hurt.
That was before you said that I broke our family.
That was before you said you couldn't wait until I was gone.
That was before you said I liked wanting to die.
That was before you made me sob so hard my lungs felt like they were going to collapse.
Forgiveness is not an option here.
And for once, I am not sorry.
I will not apologize.
You hurt me.
You continue to.
And even though you say it will never happen again,
It does.
And you deny the pain,
And distrust you have caused.
But I guess that's okay, right?
Because I am a kid,
And you are a grown man.
My age makes my pain invalid,
And my *** makes me weak.
So it's all okay.
But never again,
not for another day,
Will you be my Dad.
You have no right to that name.
It has to be earned,
And you have never done anything but knock your opportunities down.
I will not break myself down to say you can hurt me for one more day,
Because maybe you will change.
Because you will never change,
No matter what you say.
So no,
I'm not sorry to say
That I am not willing to forgive.
That time of forgiveness
Was a long time ago.