And if someone asked me how much I miss you, & even though words cannot formulate how much my being aches for you I'd say:

"I think I miss him the way how the football field misses the knees of men, as they kneel in victory.

Think I miss him in the way how a child misses her mother's breast, as she has gotten too old for that now.

Think I miss him the way a mother misses the bulge in her belly, after she has given birth.

Think I miss him the way how the playground misses the children, because they're on summer break.

Think I miss him the way how a druggie misses the smell of *******.

Think I miss him the way how a stripper misses the pole after work and the way how a ******* misses being penetrated.

Think I miss him the way how a mother miss her cold blooded, murdered son

Think I miss him the way how the sheet misses lovers after nights of *** only to find out they're lovers no more.

Think I miss him the way the trees miss leaves during fall
And the way how the ground misses the leaves during spring.

Think I miss him the way how the sky misses the moon during the day and the way how it misses the sun during the night.

Think I miss him the way how my lips misses his, and in the way how my finger misses his skin."

And if they ask when I miss you the most:

"I think realize I miss him when the most, when days get rough, and the days when forcing a smile just isn't enough."

it's almost 1am and I'm wide awake
thinking about how i could never get you to stay,
how i could never get you to understand that you're important in every way.
thinking how did things end up this way
knowing there's no "right" thing to say
knowing though i see you everyday
things will never be the same.

and I'll forever remember our last "proper" conversation,
where you cried because of me leaving.

and I'll never know if those tears were genuine,
if you felt something tug at your heart
or you just didn't want to seem bad.
because in that moment,
all i could think about is how much i miss you,
though you were right there

because at that moment,
all i could feel was you slipping away
though you were in my arms

because at that moment
i realised, things will probably never be the same,                                  
because whatever we are, i still remember the way we were.

and I'm sorry for whatever i had done or whatever I had not done

because all i really wanted was to show you that love is actually real

wanted to show you that someone can actually care for you

wanted to make you happy,

wanted you to feel something you had never felt before

and I'm not angry, neither am i upset.
I am just confused, sad and bitter,
wishing you'd come home
wishing you would say why.

just want you to know that i miss you,
and whenever you're ready,
even if it's never
there'll still be room for us.
(h.s)

have you noticed that there's a r i g h t way to do things?
and that if you had done it any other way it would have been wrong?
have you noticed that certain things only match with certain things,
they fit just r i g h t?
and that's just how it is?
have you noticed there's a left and right on earphones,
and that the one designated for your left, doesn't fit good in the r i g h t?
have you also noticed that only your left hand fits the earphone in your left ear properly?
why is it that your left shoes only fits your left?
and your right shoes only fits your r i g h t?
why is it that your underwear can't be worn both front way and back way?
just as how your shirt can't be worn front way and back way?
why is it that the river flows to the sea,
and not the sea to the river?

don't you think i was made for you?
and you for me?
you see,
just as how the left glove fits perfect on the left hand and the right glove fits perfect on the r i g h t hand,
you were the r i g h t and perfect one for me and I for you.

what if i told you that
that there are parts of my life 
that move slower 
because you're not in them?

what if i told you that I'm broken and my brain refuses to function,
since you changed?

being broken by you is like reading a story to a deaf child
expecting a smile
or a laugh
or a round of applause
but all that is returned
is a dead stare.

it's like looking for the sunlight in the middle of the night.

it's like playing the piano to a deaf man
in hopes that he'll finally hear,
playing- until your fingers are broken
because all he did was fall asleep.

being broken by you feels like calling your father, who had abandoned you,
for the last time on your 18th,
hoping he'll answer your last call,
but all you heard was: "sorry this number is no longer in service"

it's like repeating your favourite song over and over and over again
because for some reason you're always missing your favourite line.

and i look for you in missed calls and new text messages.
look for you through doorways,
hoping you'll walk through them
saying you're sorry,
and I'd say "It's okay",
as I always did.

being broken is a mother,
telling her son who has turned to drugs and gun to come home,
and he'll look through the window,
but he never opens the door.

he finally does, with a gunshot wound in his chest.
and words rolling of his tongue;
"mommy, I'm sorry"

being broken is me telling you to come home,
indicating to you that I, am home,
but you keep running past the door.

But i pray to God,
that you'll get tired
and stop running
and come home.

there are many things i can stop.

i can stop myself from jumping into the road with cars coming to and fro.

i can stop myself from dancing to my favourite song,
out of fear of being ridiculed.

i can stop the clock,
and turn back the hands of time,
hoping to actually go back into time.

i can stop myself from eating for days,
out of fear of getting fat.

i can force myself to study a four page speech in two days
and read off a Shakespeare novel
for an exam the following day.

i can fight through menstrual pain,
but one thing i cannot do,
is stop myself from
falling in love
with
you.

h.s.

4:21am
hi, how are you? i hope you're okay. hope you're doing fine. I'm sorry, I've just been thinking as always. you've never said it, but I'm sure you've thought: "you think too much"

4:24am
these past days haven't been going easy you know, and i think you know why. I'm sorry, you're just always on my mind.

4:25am
I'm sorry, it's kind of cold, the fan's on and windows' ajar. was just wondering if you'd hold my hands, I've never felt your hands before, and you've never felt mine. I'm sure they feel like silk, (soft and smooth).


4:26am
i miss you and I'm sorry i came by so late. sorry i didn't know you before. sorry i didn't know you before things changed. sorry that our situation is just not right.

4:28am
it's getting late and I should be sleeping, but i just read something and now i can't take my mind off you.

4:30am
have i ever told you that i love your smile, and there's this "quiet" thing about you that i love. i hope you keep smiling, hope no one ever makes you cry. hope that you're always alright. one of us has to be.

4:32am
i wished things didn't end the way they did. i didn't predict our ending like this. didn't even predict an ending.

4:33am
wish it wasn't so hard seeing you. wish things would go back to normal, wish i could turn back the time to when we first met. ****, those were the best couple weeks of my life. i think they were the best for you too.

4:35am
i still reread our past conversations and they still make me laugh.

4:38m
it's getting late, and i don't know what to say. i love you? still do. and always will. true love never dies.
-h.s.

"I'm content"
"Something's gonna happen, i don't know what it is, i feel it"
-------------------------------

three weeks later i'm sitting, wallowing in self pity,
mourning over a love that has gone sour
making cuts after cuts in my skin,
hoping you'll somehow feel it and hear my cry for help.

i carved the word "perfect" into my skin on November 17-18, 2012
hoping that despite everything that happened that day
i'd still feel perfect
or hoping that seeing it every day,
i'd start believing i'm
Pretty even when drowning in tears with swollen
Eyes that are filled with stars, stars that i often fail to see and that
Regardless of these scars that are etched into my skin, i am
Full of life and
Energy that is immortelle and
Contagious even though i always feel as if i can't go on and
Things are too much.

i guess what i'm trying to say is, i should've carved my name into your heart,
Hoping you'll
Always remember that
Someone like myself is hard to find so therefore
I'm yours always and you are mine and i'll
Never leave nor would i hurt you intentionally, and
Although it feels like we're drifting, i still want you here.

but the ice which we stood on which was our love
has broken,
and is melting and you're on one piece
and i'm on another and if we reach for each other,
we'll drown in the ocean of our love.
and i  don't know what i'm saying anymore,
because my eyes are getting cloudy and so is my mind
and all i can think of is you and if you'd cross that ocean for me.
(h.s)

i dont want to be a detective,
i dont want to feel like a spy,
i dont want to wonder, if everything
youre telling me is a lie.
i dont want to break down, i dont want to cry.
i just want to silence all of the screaming inside.

ive been betrayed,
im so dismayed, from all of the carelesness and rage
that you so selfishly display,
and all of the games that you play.
i am not the monster, not the vilan that you portray, me as.
youre not the victem, its just the price you have to pay,
for breaking me into pieces and asking me to stay.
its not my fault that i cant believe a single word you say.
our fairytale has become a living hell, it's your fault that we've become this way.