it's been almost a month
and three weeks since you've left me,
and almost a month and
two weeks since you've gotten with her
and *******,
I've been waiting for you to take me back,
but you don't.

and trust me when I say
I truly am happy for you,
I am,
and I truly do think that she's better for you,
and I have no problem with you speaking of her,
but I can't help but feel a sink in my chest
when you pause our conversation
to read a text from her.
I can't help but feel a little shatter in my chest
as you form that ever so enchanting smile
on your face,
and I can't help but push back the tears in my eyes,
when I see your fingers sprint around the letters on your phone
as you respond ever so intently,
and I can't help but think,
"that probably used to me."

but I smile.

I feel so much, yet I smile and think
"it's okay," because you're supposed to be happy
for the person you love right? So I smile.

but I'm sad, and I shatter a little every day
because she's perfect and I'm not.

I'm a little too hard to handle,
a little too hard to understand,
a little too complicated
but I she's not.

and I cry and depend on razors
a little bit too much,
but she prays and depends on her bible.

and I'm a little too contradictory
and a little too confused,
but she's not.

and so, she's better for you, and not me.

and so I smile.

I smiled when you forgot our lunch session
because you were too busy spending it with her.

I smiled when you forgot to check up on me,
because you probably were too busy
checking up on her.

and I'll always smile
but I'll always shatter inside because
I love you, but you'll always be too busy
loving her.

Today feels a little bit off,
a little bit off than yesterday,
and a little bit off than the day before
yesterday.

If only I could replay January,
as often as I replay Lukas Graham's "What happened to perfect".
If only I could skip to the parts where you were
always here
And erase the parts where you weren't.

If only I could scream "CUT" at the scenes where you start to make my skin itch,
And my temper bomb tick,
like this sheet I'm lying on.

But it feels like we're on different sides of the globe,
And I'm always here but you never want to stay,
you never want to come home.

I wish I could fast foward to the parts where things are okay again,
Where I'm sitting next to you, and you're smiling
and I'm looking at you
Telling you how beautiful you are.
And then I could say:
"This is perfect
Let's pause here."

But we're not starring in a movie,
this is not a song, and
we're not characters in a play
This is real life,
And sadly it is always on play.

You damaged my heart slightly that night,
little pokes here and there,
And my blood is calling out to me,
wanting to be released.
And my razors are sitting smiling at me,
because they know my demise and
they love towhat they're seeing.

but I won't give in, I'm not that weak.

You wrecked my emotions slightly that night,
and it's a emotion crash
in my heart body and mind
"Crime scene" tapes hanging all around
because my happiness was killed
and along with it my laughter died.
And my tears are crashing against the walls of my eyes
because they too know my demise.

but I won't give in, I will not cry.

You took my sleep slightly that night,
staring in the dark,
creating my own sky
It's beautiful and so was I.
And my insecurities are awake
they're by my side
trying to hold my hand
and mock me tonight.

but I won't give in, tonight I'll smile
even if it's fake, I will smile.