My greatest disappointment (in this moment), is feeling foolish
about what I believed and chose to swallow as truth: that I was extraordinary and enough. For him.

I mean, he was dynamite convincing; obliterated my doubts and healed me all at once; showed me love and then came "but" out of somewhere it always existed.

I hate this love **** -- this roller coaster movement that
scrambles my compartmentalized thoughts and accelerates my fear and loathing of something that is meant to be incredible and beautiful.

Drunk and dangerous
Found and lost
Dropped off in the back of my
Scattered thoughts

Surface
Down under
Caught in between the space of
What to do about boy wonder
And all the fright
Distracting me from my deep slumber
This time of night
In the thick of life
And love
And alcohol
And Mary Jane
And the eleven year old
Prized possession he holds
Near and dear to his pounding heart

Everyone in me wants to run
Different directions
For the hills
Where I
Live aloud and alone
Believing more than anything
I’ll be fine on my own--
Sans the love of a man
That believes his heart I spelled and stole
Or not
Because he can’t help
But be who he is
Flirty and fiery with others that aren’t me

Seated in the dark
Drowning the voices of his persuasive bravado
I sip slow and swallow
Counting the minutes until--  
Tomorrow

I wanna take it back
to ‘99

When my best friend was all that mattered
and the future we dreamt about
under the effect of minds altered
was tantamount to our freedom
to roam and ride ***** through the streets of silk city

When an unhampered day felt like
the beginning of time
and walks through east side park
evoked a natural high--
because I had no business holding hands
with the boy from the other side
of the tracks

Stacks
Of opportunity
Not yet known and unwasted

The raw me that dwells within the I Am that is Me is not of this world, yet exists in this realm just the same.

Dreams are for me temporary respites, a sojourn in relief from the dense material yet hallow Frames of this world; and to be in it, not fully understanding yet accepting, seems to be the biggest of undertakings.

What becomes of the soul that encounters mirrors along the way? Mirrors in the form of dense shapes filled with diverse spectrum's of light. The light in the me comes to know, that alone the light is not in this corporal world.

What happens when the light meets with fate and encounters beings in the shape of other life forms? Intertwined in this vast web of mystery of the unknowable yet deeply felt within? Seems Conspiratorial.

The truth remains, and even more so a reminder of the me that dwells within the I Am that is forever Me; ever connected, ever intertwined in the journey of life longing for itself. Longing to be asleep, for to sleep is to dream, to dream is to be free from the bonds of this body that seem like such a prison to the soul.

A light seeming so far from the home I truly know as real, where the me and the I Am are truly One and indeed free from the constructs of this separated world which contrast exists.

W.M. Smith III

I trace your silhouette in my sleep
While I dream
I capture lines that run deep
Into the shape that makes you
You
In my dream

If you stay still you will see -
a grand source of grief and despair,
the loss of love and time,
the ravage of age and its careful inspection and delicate repair.

The beauty is bottomless;
Like a murky core or stream of consciousness.

All that is within - Meta;  
shaded with visible impressions and the unsounded ripple effects of dark and light, good and bad - moments in time;

Emotional shifts of our unknown aesthetic design.

©E.J. Wanjiru 2016

My thoughts are drowning in his words
Not
gasping for breath
Nor
searching for safety
But
willfully falling into the depth
of being adored and loved greatly

As the current pulls me further away
from all that I am
I wish not for this feeling to end
Not to come up for air
Instead
To just flow
and know that a net will appear

©E.J. Wanjiru 2016

To all my past lovers,
I'm sorry I couldn't stay
And I forgive you for letting me go
I don't think of you as much
Except for those nights I sleep alone
And wonder about the things
I didn't know then but now I know

Sentiments I didn't want to express
And love I wasn't ready to accept

As the acquirer of these moments in time
My words were harvested by you
And therefore owed to you

To all my lovers,
I'm sorry I couldn't stay
And I forgive you for letting me go

©E.J. Wanjiru 2016

He is the type of man that should be loved with eyes wide open
No rose-tinted glasses or throes of passion
No crooked circumstances or delayed reactions
Just the distance in between
And a clear vision of what cannot be seen

The kind that picks you up and drops you off in a different state of mind

The kind that leaves you lost in the right direction
it has unexpectedly taken

A kiss so purposeful and sound
Even the force of the wind nor the stares of passersby can break it

The kind of kiss the brain is stubborn to erase
because with every eighth minute
the present veers off its natural course
to travel back to that enchanting space

Back to him and me
planted in front of The Liberty Tree
Back to the heated discussion between lips
and to everything felt and poured out in our kiss

To hello and goodbye

To stoked intensity

And to the eloquent expression of elusive chemistry

2016 ©

Girl in black masquerade gown with books balanced on head

One high-heeled foot on drum

The other

A laceless sneaker


Long-stemmed glass of wine in right hand

Slim bottle of Summum ***** in left


Background dissonance


Vintage grey vehicle with red interior

PYT seated in the back

Tatted up bad boy in front seat

Bearded man in tailored blue suit

Hand draped over driver's seat door


Red carpet rolled out to the entrance of a dive bar

that leads into a mansion

Eyes Wide Shut

I am holding on to the handles of hesitation anxiously riding while looking back at the past that brought me here. He is pushing on the peddles of patience wishfully riding while looking towards a future with me there. We are worlds apart. Wanting similar things like the love and support we both can bring. But stuck we are in the middle - fearful of what it was and hopeful of what it could be.

Seated side by side,
corners of clothes touching.
Affliction stumbling out of mouths,
into the well where sound is felt
deep and wide.

Ripe for the Picking

Strange fruit
I am
Maybe if you take a bite
your soul will be nourished with my seeds


Flying the Coup

My feelings are like chickens
Simple to hatch
Hard to catch...


It Wants What It Wants

The heart can be wrong
and because of a lonely existence
may cling to the first handsome emotion
willing it to be the one beautiful thing it desires


On the Edge

My last fond memory of him
Was spent in my home
Right before I no longer lived there

If there's doubt it's probably wrong
If it burns it's because it's hot

If it breaks it was never strong
If it's real it can't be bought

If it rains it's bound to pour
If it makes you crazy you should run

If it truly sees you it won't ignore
If it's intended there's probably a pun

If it's perfect it's definitely flawed
If there's no proof then it's not legit

If it perpetrates it's a bonafide fraud
If it's not the right size it's not a good fit

If it meets you halfway that's not enough
If it hurts it can't possibly be true love

I've never read poems by other poets the way I read Bukowski's poetry
His legacy feeds my intense hunger for something other than what I know

And

It is worth my dollar
to learn more of what he thought
about the rigmarole of life, humans and ***.

I plead guilty of swimming freely
in the open water of my thoughts
and forgetting to come up for air.

It is what keeps me afloat.

I bare a particular routine from time to time
when I think it's all over and nothing or no one can save me

Locked inside my space
I don't answer the phone
never return calls
and I certainly don't open the door

I hide inside, tuck my pride and swear to Goodness it's all in stride
A special relationship we share
my moods and I

A particular routine I bare
from time to time

Here's what I know:
I will fight you tooth and nail until the bitter and sweet end of this heroic fall
because I cannot afford to lose myself in our conundrum
But do not fret
for I will be fighting myself as well
Fighting to stay afloat when I feel like drowning in you
Fighting to feel indifferent when love taketh over
Fighting to be free of the choices that I made when you offered them
And as unfulfilled as my heart has been in the past, I will remain that way with you in the present
My heart's desire will be left unsatisfied because I will want all of you
And that is the one thing I will want more than anything you can ever teach me, write me, play me, buy me or show me

So be armed

There will be battle
There will be blood
Love will be lost
And there will be moments indicative of why this shouldn't have happened before it began

Lonely People - their are so many of us barely existing in this matrix we call life. But does that make us alone if we share the same strife with other unknowns? Even though it’s unbeknownst to us?

A clandestine rendezvous of sorts…Bub brought his bottles and guitar, I brought my charm and natural hair and together we tinkered and wrote and drank and ate and walked and played and left each other even more bewildered than before.

I do not love you
Even though I said that I did
I got caught in the moment
And now I feel stuck in the life sentence of a prisoners bid
It’s destroying my insides
Cuz there’s nothing meaner than loving someone who doesn’t love u back
Been down that dark road before
Sharp corners on two wheels
0 to 60 straight into you
Rear view mirror running from the past
It fake happened real fast
Fell quick in love and quicker out
Left you holding your heart with no light

I’m sorry.

Some say there is a planet on the other side of the universe where everything is exactly the same as it is here.
Do you think the me there knows the you there?
Some say everything happens for a reason.
I wonder why we met?
Some say you can see someone's soul  if you look into their eyes
Why do you sometimes still look for mine?
Some  say love is the answer
Why am I so broken?
Some say time heals all wounds.
Why does no one ever tell you how long it will take?
Some say the truth will set you free
Why do i lie to me?
Some say necessity is the mother of invention
Why did you invent a different me?
Some say the opposite of love is hate
Why don't they understand the opposite of love is indifference?
Some say opposites attract
Why are you indifferent?
Some say it takes two to tango
Why did we never dance?
Some say forgive and forget
Which is easier?
Some say if you tell yourself something enough you start to believe it
What do you tell yourself about me?
Some say they have no regrets
Is regret an emotion?
Some say you must know life to see decay
Will I ever get over this hill?

-The Zone

My love,

I wanted to write to you.
I wanted to write some words.
A love letter. A letter to say I love you.
Some feelings I have that I would like to share.
To share with my one true love.

I know in the age of text and email and chat and the phone
the love letter is dead. But.......

You are the one. The one for me.
The one I have been waiting for my whole life.
Who I was
Who I am
Who I will be
Has always and will always include you.
You are etched onto me.
You are part of me.
We are one. We are together.

Once empty my soul and heart are full.
I now understand.
I thought I knew. I thought I knew what life was.
I thought love wasn't real. I thought it was a lie, a myth.
You showed me love.
You showed me by being you.
And seeing me.
By looking inside. By loving me.
By helping me love again.
By making me love you.

Thank you.
Thank you for picking me.
For choosing to spend your time with me.
For spending your love with me.

I cherish every minute with you.
I cant wait for forever with you. I just can't wait.
You are every sunrise and movie and laugh and tear ever shed.
You are the world.
You are every star in my universe.

You are my one true love.

-The Zone

I love that you love Ponty
I hate that you win every game
I hate that you couldn't sleep last night
I love that you think about me when you can't sleep

Go!

What joy calls Silent Noise plagues me too

As the new love in young hides behind the sun
The House of Monaco burns
it is a simple matter
and  joy pretends in two and three

She accuses that it is all in the eyes
Loosely veiling self doubt  in the idealism of love
Complexity contradicts and she gives up
Preferring to live inside

It wants what it wants and Joy succumbs
drinking water she knows is poison

You are not  a hopeless romantic Joy
You are a Romantic

You are all Woman
And twice as amazing

-The Zone
Your **** has torn my hinges off..... obliterated my door

My lover said he cares
I have secured the shadows of his thoughts
When he sees me inside his dreams he stops and stares
at the great big browns behind my light and wispy hair
It's a new romantic time
Pregnant with little regret
and more hope than one can expect
In his eyes I am queen

I envy the woman that he sees
The glow it brings when the stars in his eyes dance at the sight of me
He pulls me deep
Until all that was lost gets found behind his dreamt of words

"She was an emotional parrot seemingly self-aware but in the end a designer drug for my human condition."

Is there another dimension?
Not like space or time
But in our minds
Is it something we discover
We find in one another
Or perhaps in an extremely significant other
It feels like a groove
Worn by time and familiarity
But it is new and not at all imaginary
One plus one is more than mathematic
When together we approach galactic
Our thing is feeling cinematic

-The Zone

It's magical;
Running towards the unknown
Into the darkness of the ozone
Golden torches blazing
Young heartbeats racing
Fueled with fighter's delight
Led forth by sweetness and light
Go forth to the beginning!
Go forth into the end!

I'm crying for everything
For the sins of humanity
The creation of our secret society
For the things I can't have
The emotions I can't grab
For you
For us
For the speed of this unstoppable bus
The wheels on this thing go round and round
Afraid
But I can't get off
Tears drop
The heart beats
And then it swells
I'm enchanted by the magic of our everlasting spell

You
are the one I love
when everything isn't perfect

And nothing's ever perfect

Yours
is the love I need
because looking for what I wanted was a mechanical defensive front
and it hasn't worked for years
I feel awakened
the me I was then was all pretend

Suspended in mid air

Waiting to fall
straight into the sound and arms of something or someone meta-great
Into the realm of transcending hypnotism
so compelling that even apart we breathe alike

My wits are no longer at end
my self is reflected in the mirror of your words
I like what I read
It sets me free

You
are the one I love
when everything isn't perfect

And nothing's ever perfect