We don't really talk a lot anymore
No more than a "hey" every few months
But I just caught myself day dreaming of you for 5 minutes straight
I just thought about one of the nights where we were staying up late, drinking Bud Lights and watching The Office
I stepped in the kitchen while you were in the bathroom and you saw me when you came out and wrapped yourself around me just to hold me
I just day dreamed about that for 5 minutes straight
Just that
Just your innocent embrace
Just you holding me in the kitchen because you missed my touch

you said, "cry me a river".
and so i did.
but then you complained because you didn't have a boat.

i kept knocking on wood, too bad it was laminate.

the taste of nicotine, infecting the young
the deep breath in, corroding my lungs
the squelch of a flame beneath my boot
the extinguished warmth between me and you.

inhale quick, forget as i try
leaving room for sickness to grow

blaming the numbness on the high
i still feel nothing when i'm low.

i never thought i'd make it this far.
let's start with that.
i never thought i'd have someone look me in my eyes and tell me they're in love with me and see such a bright future, with... me.
i never thought i'd live through all of the pain, agony, torture, slices and burns on my arms and legs, yelling, screaming, and dark hallways.
i never thought i'd find a light.
i never thought it would be hiding within myself, just waiting for the spark to ignite all that i am worth.
i am more than their cruel words and intentions.
i am more than circumstance and ****** situations.
i am more than anyone expected me to be.
and everyday i grow and surpass all of that more and more.
i am 16, going on 17.
and for once, there is light, there is a future, there is kindness.
my eyes have never been so open.
i hope no one comes to close them again.

i came into this world 23 chromosomes of her and 23 of him
i came into this world for them to use me against each other
i came into this world for them to treat me like an object
THEIRS
no individuality
just...
theirs

years go by and i've started to discover myself
and as my petals open up and i bloom into the flower i'm supposed to be
i am rejected and have petals torn off one by one
"you're not gay"
"you shouldn't cut your hair"
"you look like a boy"
"you look so grungy and messy"
"your name is Kaylee"

but i was max
i was gay
i cut my hair
i looked like a boy sometimes
i wear band t-shirts and ripped jeans
but it's not enough
my individuality isn't taken into account
i am not a blooming flower
i am a mere seed
i have yet to be what they want me to be
and so therefore i am not anything
"it's all a phase"
"in 10 years you'll look back on this and feel so dumb"

i will never be enough
not for them
not even for myself now
nothing is good enough
i fight the hatred with knowledge and pride
and now i've just learned to stand to the side
as they come with their pesticide to run me back into the ground
tuning me out until i learn how to not make a sound