this town looks more and more sad every day, perhaps it's my own demise setting into the skies.
the temperature of my body taking presence in the air.
the wind in my hair
but no heat in my bones.
i can feel my body shrinking out of my clothes.
she gave me the kiss of life but now it's been taken away.
so now i sit inside and watch as i decay.
these four walls surround me much like the chambers of my heart.
i've started to realize, only i rip myself apart.

music was my serenity, but now all i hear is lyrics of you.

what i love about you most is your voice when you're tired
or maybe it's your smile
or the way you say my name
the way you are willing to stick around because you aren't like the others and you have no selfish agenda
the way you'd kiss my scars, or kiss my lips
the way you care about who i care about
your heart and soul
which you poured into me when i didn't even know how to stand
your charm
your glossy eyes
our friendship
our long talks
our "goodnight"'s
although i'm glad they aren't goodbyes
because i love your good morning texts most of all
your acknowledgement that i'm a person with feelings
feelings for you
for everything you do

The truth is I have no idea how to begin this
because I don’t even remember
how or when exactly you began to invade my consciousness.
you were an uninvited guest, a gatecrasher, an intruder
filling my mind with paranoia and endless dilemma —
how I contemplate about going out or not
because I get overwhelmed with crowded places
like public transports, and malls, and fast food chains,
how I s-stutter whenever placing an order,
or how I could not finish one sentence without repeating
repeating a word or or two.

It might sound funny how I find a sea of people terrifying,
how I feel a dagger or a gun pointed at me every time I step
outside my comfort zone,
how I would replay failed scenarios inside my head like a broken tape,
how I would apologize for actions that demanded no apology.
I often get nightmares about being asleep and not being able to wake up
and sometimes I dream about waking up in a strange bed in a foreign room
filled with people with the strangest faces talking in tones barely audible
but when the voices would all stir together
I would run out of air and pass out,
but I still wake up though, screaming, trembling
signaling another episode of survival.

If I could drive, I would take you away with me and bring you to a sunset beach
tell you that everything’s gonna be alright
that it’s okay to knock me down sometimes
but not too hard to break me
just enough to remind me that I am, after all, human
Or maybe I would drown you or maybe not
because I get too overwhelmed with the waves
I struggle against the current,
and I am the one who gets drowned instead.

I hate you, no, I mean I love you. I should love you
because they said those we love are meant to leave
So I will love you, I will love you until you get tired of me,
until you no longer find me appealing
I will love you obsessively, until you get sick of me,
until you run out of places to run to, until you run out of air
I will love you until I run out of words and metaphors
and rhyme or reason,
I will love you with the hopes that one day I could finally say:
“My anxieties have died beautifully, with dignity,
in their sleep.”