Soak me in the honey
of your *****
I want you to come
here with me
I want to drown in your sweetness
and look up at the stars
see the miracle you are

Let me hold you down
as you pull me in
Partake in this sin
with me

Baby, you and I
our universes collide
one big explosion
maybe two
maybe more
more
more
more

When you retire
exasperated
I'll keep you in this bed
of our love and our sweat
let you catch your breath
before I dive in again
and again
and again

You are soft and warm
and wet
I don't want to end this yet
Insatiable, relentless
Breathless, helpless

Your legs around mine
Your back on my chest
Maybe this is the best
night of your life
until tomorrow comes
again

this is for you
•if you're still learning to love yourself
•if you have no idea why people choose you
•if you are anxious and overwhelmed because they said everything's gonna be okay but it just doesn't feel that way

-------
My mama said,
"Do not give them everything. Leave some for yourself. Do not give a hundred per cent so that if they break your heart, you are not left empty."

and so..

if I offer you only 50%
of the Love i have left to give
and keep the other 50%
so I can Love myself, too
will you still take it?
will that be enough?

if I put myself first
and then those I loved before I met you
and only then have time for you
will you still stand in line?
will you still say,
"I'm just happy you are mine?"

if you see all my scars
and my bruises that are still healing
will you still think me beautiful?
will you understand?

if my world starts to unfold
and you see the risk you are taking
for being crazy for staying
for being dumb for believing
in a future worth saving
will you still point forward
and show me the direction
towards
the house you've built for you and me
made of promises I've heard before
of dreams I've woken up to
of hope I have forgotten
and of Love that I no longer trust?

if the 50% you're getting means
the chaos and the mess of my past
and the tears you have to wipe away
and answering the same questions everyday
"do you still like me?"
"do you still want me?"
"are you still there?"
will you patiently say "yes"
over and over
until my anxiety is no longer
the the first thing I wake up to?

if I listen to my mama
(and this time I will)
will you take just the half I can offer
and make it your own
perhaps it'll grow bigger
like a seed that needs water
like a flower in the winter sun
waiting for spring to come
so that one day we won't have to
quantify how much I can Love you.

There she stood
still
despite the chaos
despite the buzz
despite noon time rush.

Placid alongside
the humdrum
the mundane
the same thing
over and again
over and again.

Day in, out
she seeks for reason
some meaning
some place
someone
something or other
to faze her
to move her
to take her
back to living
and not just
breathing.

She asks herself:
What good is surviving
the the struggle and pain
if she spends her days
for nothing
but ceaselessly hoping
for anything to happen
or at least,
to once again feel?

This is what I told her:
Sometimes the way out to depression
feels like becoming a whole new person
but this phase will come
and go
and so
embrace the process of healing
take your time and believe in
yourself and the waiting
will soon be over
and you will start over
another day
another chance
so wade in this circumstance
this inevitable consequence
of losing yourself
and then finding it
again.

Oh how morose is this prose I penned in my solitude
How completely sullen the sudden waves of words I pieced together.
But how so? Why am I so endlessly sombre?
Is it just my innate self, or perhaps caused by another?

Truly, it's in the absence of constant and prolonged affliction
that I've begun to see the questions and flaws of my current situation
Oh how unfortunate it is to be awakened only at this later time
but time heals and I know, I know it shall heal this heart of mine.

I did not know this was possible: to be in 2 places at the same time. I am here, still here but my heart is elsewhere. I am here, staying here but my heart's packed up and left a long time ago. My body sleeps with him at night but I look the other way. I have looked the other way and lied to myself for years and years, blinded so foolishly by a love so strong it ruined me. The truth is always the hardest pill to swallow, but I need to face my demons and the secrets I've kept if I want to move on. I am in 2 places at the same time. First, I am where I have to be-- a place that beckons me to stay and be strong and forgive over and over again. Second, I am where I hope to be-- a place of peace and contentement and if I'm lucky, maybe joy. The mind is so strong that it allows one to endure great suffering through unwavering willpower. How do wrongly incarcerated persons survive decades in prison? It is the idea of freedom and faith in justice that keeps them sane and alive. It is the hope that one day, their truth will come out and their liberty served that empowers them. This is how I feel. This is how I'm still alive.

in a parallel universe,
together-- you and i
we get high.
-
you and me
we're meant to be
in some other reality
-
my deepest secret is this
the long gone bliss
that I'll forever miss
is your gentle kiss
-
in another world's dimension
without any hesitation
me and you
we made it through

And I,
for the first time
in a very long time,
heard the birds sing
and felt the wind against my face
and only had one thought:
"This life is so beautiful."

And I,
for the first time
in a very long time,
allowed myself to breathe
and let go of my worries.
And I looked up at the sky
and it was so clear.

Clearly I,
for the first time
in a very long time,
loved myself
and chose myself
again.