in between dreaming and the harsh awareness of reality
my hand found the place where you used to lay
brushing against the perfectly unmoved sheets
making its way to the perfectly
untouched pillow
eyes opening, gazing, and sinking as reality set in
you weren't just "up early"
walking the dog,
making us coffee,
...waiting to wake me with a kiss to the forehead

my knuckles turned as white as the sheets as
they clenched the place that once was you
holding onto whatever they could of your memory
believing if I squeezed hard enough
I could get the last drop of you out

just for this morning

When I look at myself I wonder where I went
my thighs are too big
my stomach is soft
And my glow got lost somewhere under the flat roof, behind these blackout curtains

Who am I
Will I ever know beside him
Does he complete me
Does he just cover up what hurts
Does he just hurt me too much to go

Is this what cold feet feels like
I've dipped my toes
I've jumped in
And the river is flowing and pushing me through
And somehow I'm still clinging to warm breaths

For him?

Or just enough so I can pull myself out and run as hard as I can in the furthest direction from him
So I have a chance

What if he never touches me
In a way that doesn't need words

What if I go through life on his eggshells
Under his thumb
Under those eyes that go from soft to rigid stones

Like a water color
Beautiful and undefined
Bleeding into the threads
Of his love

I've met so many with switches
I love them with all I have
I light them on fire, I cater to their
Every want, their every need, I
Polish them until they shine, I
Rewire them and untangle their crosses and label them so
Meticulously
And things get a little overloaded
A breaker trips and they read the
Labels and find my name
stare at me, analyze me, and then
Flip their switch
Shut it all down
And walk on

Everything it changed when you met her
Yea, you went and gave her our whole world (our whole world, our whole world)

I thought we would always be the same
Then you went and gave her our last name (and that ring, that awful thing, stupid bling)

Now I'm left here layin' all alone
Thinking about me thinkin' about you thinkin' about her

There are things that I shouldn't really say
But I'm gonna say 'em anyway (like I hope she ***** in bed and gains a lot of weight)

Everything it changed when you met her

The world doesn't stop
when your heart breaks.
It keeps on moving
But it turns into a blur around you.
You don't feel time passing
although it passes.
Nothing is clear
Not why
Not how.
Reason is empty.
Your body turns heavy and
uncontrollably trembles.
Until the trembling
knots your insides so tightly
it knocks you to your knees.
Your eyes pour salty rivers
down your face until
your clothes are soaked.
Until your cheeks burn.
But this pain and
the burn
and your tears
don't matter.
When it comes down to it all
None of it matters
Not time.
Not the world.
Not you or them
Or tomorrow.
All that you feel is
this hole inside your chest
where love used to exist.
You shake.
You repeat
over and over again
"I'm sorry"
as if their soul
can hear you
"I'm sorry"
because you
couldn't save them.
The world wants you to
get up and keep living.
But for you,
all you want is
to go back into the moment
where life wasn't cold.
Where eyes weren't glazed.
Before sleep which
never wakes.
Before the heart break.

what if i spoke my heart
split it open like a book
and read you every word
would you love me then

or would you tear my pages
seal my trembling lips shut
wash away the blood
and silence my love again

blind me
deafen me
take my limbs
for i have lived in love

it is not with my eyes i see
it is not with my ears i hear
it is not with my hands i feel
for i have lived in love

blind me
deafen me
take my limbs
for i have lived in love

i have seen your smile shine
i have heard your laughter sing
i have felt your arms keep
for i have lived in love

blind me
deafen me
take my limbs
for i have lived in love

my heart still sees you
my heart still hears you
my heart still feels you
for i have lived in love

blind me
deafen me
take my limbs
for my heart has lived in love
and i shall live in my hearts memory