I may be silent
but my heart will
deafen you

"you cannot catch a wildflower"
       he says.
             "you are my wildflower."

I am lost inside myself
my personal paradise
my own euphoric insanity
could i be as manic as I sometimes believe
to feel as if my soul lives in the earth beneath my feet
and stretches from the root of every tree to the tips of their leaves
exhaling me into the sky to float with the wind from meadow to meadow
I stand with arms stretched
spinning in circles like a tiny tornado
grazing the tips of each blade of grass with my fingertips
dancing with my pointed toes upon dewy petals
breathing in the heavens of the earth
feeling as if the sun was shining from within me
my world could not exist without this insatiable lust for life
you cannot hold me and shelter me under the dark roof you flourish in
I am a wildflower
I need the meadows, the sky, the sun, the air, the freedom

you can look over
   my dead body

the way you
   looked at me
      when I was alive

You have
cut yourself open
and displayed your
naked soul

I sit in silence
trying to
decipher what is before me

Above the pain of
your organs
flowing out of
your bone and flesh
is the deafening ringing
in your ears
from my still tongue

Looking to me
for a sign of
any recognition

All I show you
is a voiceless distance

"Life is so fragile. Love when there is love. Don’t mistake the moon as the preface to dawn. Sometimes there are only stars…"

Dating & Relationships are Complete Madness.

where do you draw the line between clingy and genuine desire

of course I desire Your presence

if I didn’t then you wouldn’t have My time

does that make me clingy?

I believe If a man Wants a woman

the woman does not need to ever Ask

or suggest

or sit back and Wonder quietly

in fear of being “clingy” upon muttering

the words “I miss you”

"hello:

"how was your day"

or

”:)”

does “:)” even say too much

my god why isn’t there a way to read the mind

i feel like i’m regurgitating my own words

and thoughts of words

the way they come to me so easily and

then fester in my stomach tickling

the back of my tongue

pressing on my lips

they nearly spill

and just before they do

i swallow them right back up

and say nothing

leaving you hungry

in the same way

i am hungry for you

"It is really beautiful up here" she whispered.

Her skin brightened in the glow of the fading masterpiece of crimsons, yellows, and golds the sun had brushed across the turquoise sky "This is it, this is what heaven is like."

I couldn't hear her, but I could read her soft spoken lips and study her face, which I always imagined as less of the cover to a book and more every word inside. There was not a greatness of a sadness that ceased to mask her portrait. She was all heart and soul, every bit of her.

I watched as her bright eyes change to become more glass than eyes. As if, for the first time, she was seeing life, love, and something more. Something so deep and beautiful that not even Hemmingway or Fitzgerald could even begin to put the prefix of it into thought.

Among the dusting of the clouds and transparent sunset I felt her heartbeat could silence and the lungs of which gave her the life I so cherished could empty turning her flesh a pale blue, and she would fade peacefully into the scene before me.

This very thought frightened me. Too soon would her feet touch the ground and nothing I was humanly capable of, or possibly godly capable of, would ever captivate and hold her so perfectly or turn her eyes as vivid - and there was nothing more I wanted.

your light is beautiful
and mine is glum
in your eyes i find
sensations my estranged blood
has never felt
to touch, to love ...a soul unselfishly
for no other reason than to love

i want to place my frostbit hands
upon your beating chest
and ****** you away
or might I chain your hands
and take you with me

i could pull you into my gale
a hostage of my lonely curiosity
but I'm afraid, so afraid that your light
will fill the empty gaping blackness
and your gentle breaths
will calm my feral winds
you alone will effortlessly transpose
the thunder of my bones and
i will assent that only your nearness
can bring the calm to the eye
of my storm

but what follows when you
tire of breaking my weathers
when your chains rust into reddish ash
and i can no longer keep you, my love
i can’t imagine this place will ever be
as fair as it was with you
and i can only foresee that
which will become of me

for when the day does break
and I find myself alone
when the silence of your absent
lungs deafens my troubled mind
my storm will surge again

and as the black clouds surround
i will bring my withered hands
before me and remove the foolish eyes
that once lost themselves in you
so there are two sunken holes
inside my skull
i will cut through my sternum and
rip my dour heart from my chest
i will undress from my flesh and
pull the nerves you once caressed
and my naked soul will dig a grave
and settle into the dark

I need to see more, love more, hate more, be broken more, have my soul ripped out, and then ripped from wherever it was tossed to, I need to mourn, and become tired, I need to shine and outshine until the light is blinding, I need to explore and feel and think and breathe just a little deeper a little more effortlessly a little more passion driven and full blooded, I need to be more head strong and ******, I need to be old and young and all the in between, I need to live and die and be reborn, and read, read everything front to back and cover to cover, in every language. In every color, I need to listen and absorb, until life and death are all in one, until my ears bleed and my bones are brittle, until my **** is worn and my heart torn and sewn so many times it’s a solid rock of scars, I need to be everything good bad beautiful devilish and pure…so I can be a better writer.

In all your lovers
There is not one like me
For as many as you take
There will never be

Adieu.

Today
I will find my heart
where you left it

Today
I will rinse it clean
and
sew it back into my chest

Today
I will buff the scars
and watch as it inhales
red

Today
I will be fully alive

but
Tonight
I will detach it from my veins
and lay with you again

I wanted to
give you the world
but all I have
are these
two small hands
and they
only hold so much

So you have turned me into a rock
A quiet still hard cold rock
I’m burning to speak
And tell you how I really feel
That I can’t stomach you
But I know I board the plane in a few hours
And for this I find peace
Enough peace to remain the rock
From you I have gained nothing but tolerance
And the knowledge that you should never travel to meet someone that you met online
At least not without a backup plan
I can’t fake a headache or the flu and ask to be politely excused
I so wish I could - grab my bag apologize sincerely - and run for the door
I would think it would be worth giving you my opinion - just to appease me
But in the same thought an overpowering realization that even you are not worth that energy
You might possibly even thrive on it
Like a roach thrives on raid once the poison has lost its ability to throw the bug on it’s back kicking
So I instead will bite my tongue
And do my best to keep my eye rolling to a minimum…when I’m in your peripheral…

I could always
say more with you.

I feel like
pressing myself
into a book
and
giving it to you to read.

Did I tell you?

I’m kind of quiet… no, really, I am. You should see me around people I don’t know…. Ha, yes, I know you don’t believe me… I talk my socks off around you. But, you’re different. You already know the contents of me… I mean, you may not have read every page in detail, but you get the rough draft. Not many people get that. Man, what a stuck up ***** they say… Miss goody two shoes is too good for us… Not all of us are rich like you they say. Oh, how I wish I was any of those things…it wouldn’t sting when they mistook me for anything but the plains, but instead they see skylines and frosted mountains. I am not as complex, I am not as breathtaking, I am not such a climb. It’s funny. i have it together - it appears from the outside looking in. On the inside, I’m so tired. I know you know this - but they don’t. They don’t see 14 hour days, 98 hour weeks, 5,784 hour years… of on the go, here you can have my time, my peace, my arms, my legs, my soul. They don’t see that. They don’t see me helping the family when they need food that week..and me not eating. They don’t see my sore back, my restless nights, or the loneliness that follows endless hours. I’m the one missing out… and they think I am better than them. If they only knew how much I wished I could be more like them and less like me…. how they are the morning skies… and I am merely a spectacle to their bold colors. They’re outspoken, care free, sociable, …extroverted. I wouldn’t dare say a word. I know even then they wouldn’t get me… not like you do. I just sit back - quietly, watching, listening, absorbing…an abused sponge from one too many passes on the burnt pan. Ha, that’s me. Still giving my all - in whatever pieces are left of me, trying to shine the world. Silly I am. I’m ready to get out of here… or find myself again, and stop smothering my heart. It’s an out of control fire and my day to day has become the dirt. I think if I exhale in a week you may just see smoke pouring from my lungs… I’m burning out. Can you tell?

I was 8 years old
   crying in my room
I couldn't remember your face
   and I couldn't call you
I knew you wouldn't understand
   I knew you didn't care
too drunk to even
   come around
And I saw you
   in front of our broken house
you walked up to me
    and I could smell you
***** on your breath
   before you were even
close enough to touch
   then you kissed me a
thousand kisses
   all over my face
                    * I felt so ******
I didn't want to believe
   this was you
because you ****
   and I hated that you
       were no good
never
   a good mother
never
   a good friend
but your lips would lie
   with careless love
it's okay... I knew
   you meant only pretend

there is something beautiful about a memory
that reaches from the pit of your stomach
latches onto your heart
and pulls it under your lungs
placing you in a moment
that once saturated the marrow of your bones

when you close your eyes you can
feel, see, and be just as it was
with carrots, a park bench, the night sky,
a bottle of spanish wine
and his arms cradling you against
the chilling wind

it takes you so deeply into
the inscription he carelessly carved
across the back of your eyes that
when you open them again and exhale
you find it fogging the midsummer air
releasing the very breaths you took
by his side

I want to fight you
and never close my eyes
for I’m afraid when I do
I will find the memories
of which I can’t let go
I’ll relive all he is
all I was beside him

To wake from this
desperately grasping to find
his heartbeat
feeling it as nothing more
than a pillow between
my trembling white knuckles

Knowing it was just a dream
Is to relive the relentless ache
of losing him all over again

The world doesn't stop
when your heart breaks.
It keeps on moving
But it turns into a blur around you.
You don't feel time passing
although it passes.
Nothing is clear
Not why
Not how.
Reason is empty.
Your body turns heavy and
uncontrollably trembles.
Until the trembling
knots your insides so tightly
it knocks you to your knees.
Your eyes pour salty rivers
down your face until
your clothes are soaked.
Until your cheeks burn.
But this pain and
the burn
and your tears
don't matter.
When it comes down to it all
None of it matters
Not time.
Not the world.
Not you or them
Or tomorrow.
All that you feel is
this hole inside your chest
where love used to exist.
You shake.
You repeat
over and over again
"I'm sorry"
as if their soul
can hear you
"I'm sorry"
because you
couldn't save them.
The world wants you to
get up and keep living.
But for you,
all you want is
to go back into the moment
where life wasn't cold.
Where eyes weren't glazed.
Before sleep which
never wakes.
Before the heart break.

(He went to work and I spent the day cleaning and rearranging the apartment - finally passing out amongst the 3 billion books I had arranged alphabetically… )

Falling asleep I start to imagine
The garage apartment and
The couch cushions spread on the floor
You standing over me
Adoring me with your eyes
As mine wake to you
Your face, your smile, your love
And the contradicting words
“You look like ****”

Miss you Andy...
   Miss you like crazy.

Rest in peace my love.

I hate Dallas
But the hotels nice
Well, at least the view is
See it?
Beautiful isn’t it.
That was earlier today.
Now I’m here
Just standing here ****
In front of this window
I’m wishing someone to see me
For a good laugh
Or
Maybe they will muster up the courage to come knock on my door
Even with the Do Not Disturb Sign hanging from the ****
It’s something about hotels that gets me thinking this way
Out of sorts and more so in the gutter
To think of all the love made between these walls
Passionate - married, unmarried, one night stands, flings…
the good, the bad, and the really REALLY bad
I imagine more of the third
I’m not this way at home
I lay content in my cotton sheets with the occasional hum of a car passing
But here, in this hotel looking out 26 stories above the city
All I want is you…against me
Until the sun rises
Where we will carry on
Go back to our lives
In silence

My body is weighted
And my bones ache
But my mind is wandering
And my soul misplaced

(I can’t sleep….)

Traveling to the only
place of comfort
It has ever known

I’m falling.


( Shh.)

Everything it changed when you met her
Yea, you went and gave her our whole world (our whole world, our whole world)

I thought we would always be the same
Then you went and gave her our last name (and that ring, that awful thing, stupid bling)

Now I'm left here layin' all alone
Thinking about me thinkin' about you thinkin' about her

There are things that I shouldn't really say
But I'm gonna say 'em anyway (like I hope she ***** in bed and gains a lot of weight)

Everything it changed when you met her

You stood there
In the hills
Looking down at the
City
And I stood there
As the trees
Blocking your
Vision
And when I tried
To speak
You silenced me for
the wind
Shriveling roots
Holding me in
And the ground below you
Started to quake
As the forest before you
Withered away

blind me
deafen me
take my limbs
for i have lived in love

it is not with my eyes i see
it is not with my ears i hear
it is not with my hands i feel
for i have lived in love

blind me
deafen me
take my limbs
for i have lived in love

i have seen your smile shine
i have heard your laughter sing
i have felt your arms keep
for i have lived in love

blind me
deafen me
take my limbs
for i have lived in love

my heart still sees you
my heart still hears you
my heart still feels you
for i have lived in love

blind me
deafen me
take my limbs
for my heart has lived in love
and i shall live in my hearts memory

Shh

my eyes
    are heavy

and

my heart
   is heavier

I've met so many with switches
I love them with all I have
I light them on fire, I cater to their
Every want, their every need, I
Polish them until they shine, I
Rewire them and untangle their crosses and label them so
Meticulously
And things get a little overloaded
A breaker trips and they read the
Labels and find my name
stare at me, analyze me, and then
Flip their switch
Shut it all down
And walk on

I believe
women
are much more beautiful
than men

Whether you
look from the
outside in
or pull their flesh in
and expose them
inside out

I think
from now on
I will love only women.

what is it about you that has me constantly wondering how your world is at any precise or very imprecise moment

you are consistent in that sense

you seem to sprint through my mind
long enough for me to acknowledge it is you, but not long enough for me to figure out what the reason behind it is

or the copious knowledge of your day to day to be able to pinpoint what it is that you could be doing at that moment…

drives me mad.... you, the thought of you, the realization of the thought of you...

what if i spoke my heart
split it open like a book
and read you every word
would you love me then

or would you tear my pages
seal my trembling lips shut
wash away the blood
and silence my love again

I've become this
   plain Jane person
Melted into a crowd of
   lost souls
Drained from passions, dreams,
   & individuality
A subject of America
   land of the free
      Home of the NAIVE
to think this is "living"
   to waste 100 years
      never "living"
for objects, &
   replaceable trinkets
Not seeing the uncreated
   memories & unbiased truth
what it is to me was
   more than a nine to 5
but instead I am stagnant
   glazed into the layers
      upon layers of white
   coffee mugs & ceramic

Feeling weightless
And heavy
Feeling love and
Bitterness
Feeling nothing and
Everything
And far too vulnerable

in between dreaming and the harsh awareness of reality
my hand found the place where you used to lay
brushing against the perfectly unmoved sheets
making its way to the perfectly
untouched pillow
eyes opening, gazing, and sinking as reality set in
you weren't just "up early"
walking the dog,
making us coffee,
...waiting to wake me with a kiss to the forehead

my knuckles turned as white as the sheets as
they clenched the place that once was you
holding onto whatever they could of your memory
believing if I squeezed hard enough
I could get the last drop of you out

just for this morning

My heart is soft
You would never know
From the outside I’m stone
And on the inside I crumble
To think of you,
                  only you

Morning woke me with aching fingers and the burdensome weight of you heavy on my mind. Holding my guitar and fumbling over every note, I imagine you. Your eyes gazing over me in a crowd, as if I was invisible - until the music effortlessly plays from my fingertips, singing each word in harmony, my heart on my sleeve. I imagine you…noticing me.

Hours have passed and the sun has long left, replaced by a cold breeze and a dark starless sky.

I lay my guitar down beside me, my fingers numb and calloused, realizing that somewhere between morning and now I had lost you, the crowd, …the imagined moments. But, in the midst of the music, the repetitive strums and voicing my soul alongside every chord, I found myself.

*Tonight, I will sleep peacefully

When I look at myself and wonder where I went - my thighs are too big my stomach is soft - and my glow got lost somewhere under the flat roof and behind the blackout curtains
Who am I
Will I ever know beside him
Does he complete me
Does he just cover up what hurts
Does he just hurt me too much to go
Is this what cold feet feels like
I've dipped my toes
I've jumped in
And the river is flowing and pushing me through
And somehow I'm still clinging to warm breaths
For him?
Or just enough so I can pull myself out and run as hard as I can in the furthest direction from him
So I have a chance
What if he never touches me
In a way that doesn't need words
What if I go through life on his eggshells
Under his thumb
Under those eyes that go from soft to rigid stones
Like a water color
Beautiful and undefined
Bleeding into the threads
Of his love

He says he
loves me
but I
wish he would
make himself
stop
for there is
no life in me
to
love back.

I’ve bled
every cell
that pumped my
heart
and flowed
through my veins
into feeding
the memory of you.

There’s nothing left
of me
but a carcass
of shriveled
leathery skin
wrapped around
bone.

She follows you

Because you welcome her in

You send out fancy invitations

With calligraphic RSVPs

And wax stamped seals

You sprits them with the
Smell
 of your heartbeat 

And cradling arms

dare you not to risk

letting herself deny

The memory of  “we”

Dare you not let any sense

Ever evoked be

Forgotten


You sit patiently in hand

With understanding and silence

With independence and      love
*
Secretly lusting

For the moment

She rests her delicate feet

Firmly at your door

And you open with      
*Satisfaction
There she is

Ever so fragile

With her tear stained face

Needing you

Making you feel worthy

Giving you her life

Her breath

Her body 
            
that she unselfishly

Throws under you

For you

Dirtying linens

Where purity once lay

Taking your fill
Another piece of her empty
lonely soul
Weak fragile...and all yours


And you wonder why
She screams for you
   You say she can't let go
          
               Of course she can't darling

To focus on the life
that existed
And not the passing
How does one do this
While keeping sanity
For I believe I must remove
My mind from behind my eyes
To not think that tomorrow
I cannot reach out to you
And touch your flesh

Did I tell you?


I’m kind of quiet… no, really, I am. You should see me around people I don’t know…. Ha, yes, I know you don’t believe me… I talk my socks off around you. But, you’re different. You already know the contents of me… I mean, you may not have read every page in detail, but you get the rough draft. Not many people get that. Man, what a stuck up ***** they say… Miss goody two shoes is too good for us… Not all of us are rich like you they say. Oh, how I wish I was any of those things…it wouldn’t sting when they mistook me for anything but the plains, but instead they see skylines and frosted mountains. I am not as complex, I am not as breathtaking, I am not such a climb. It’s funny. i have it together - it appears from the outside looking in. On the inside, I’m so tired. I know you know this - but they don’t. They don’t see 14 hour days, 98 hour weeks, 5,784 hour years… of on the go, here you can have my time, my peace, my arms, my legs, my soul. They don’t see that. They don’t see me helping the family when they need food that week..and me not eating. They don’t see my sore back, my restless nights, or the loneliness that follows endless hours. I’m the one missing out… and they think I am better than them. If they only knew how much I wished I could be more like them and less like me…. how they are the morning skies… and I am merely a spectacle to their bold colors. They’re outspoken, care free, sociable, …extroverted. I wouldn’t dare say a word. I know even then they wouldn’t get me… not like you do. I just sit back - quietly, watching, listening, absorbing…an abused sponge from one too many passes on the burnt pan. Ha, that’s me. Still giving my all - in whatever pieces are left of me, trying to shine the world. Silly I am. I’m ready to get out of here… or find myself again, and stop smothering my heart. It’s an out of control fire and my day to day has become the dirt. I think if I exhale in a week you may just see smoke pouring from my lungs… I’m burning out. Can you tell?

Two feet on the floor again I think I've lost my mind
The whole world's gone a blur, No, I'm not alright
My hands are shaking
I'm going crazy

You found me on the floor again not wearing anything
I'm so sorry baby sometimes I just get weak
I didn't mean to scare you
yes, I can hear you

So, you fill me up with honey and tell me it's gonna be fine
We'll get through this together, You're not alone this time.
Yes, I can hear you
I just can't feel you - at all

You don't know what's in my head It's like I'm losing ground
For a moment I'm up just to crash back down
I can't seem to handle my own two feet
I get so ****** tired and I feel so weak

I'm going crazy

Yea I know I'm moving slow but Im trying my best
I don't need your angry tone on top of this burden on my chest
It's not good enough for you
but it's the best I can do

It's hard enough to just get by
So I'll turn my head while I cry

You say baby look at me and I stare right into you
You say baby listen to me and I am listening to you
But you're miles away
We're miles away

Two feet on the floor again, no, I'm not alright

I hate the four letter word
That springs from mouths as quickly and effortlessly as hello
I hate the restlessness it brings
To nights where loneliness fills your sheets wrapping you in its arms
I hate the overwhelming hope that shines blinding us to imperfections
The way it teases your mind making you think everything before was worth it
Because it brought you to this moment
I hate the way it tricks you into believing it will never ever leave you
And as swiftly as it swept you up from under your feet it drops you in some place that appears to be home but comes with none of the feeling
I hate it - passionately
Yet so desperately I want nothing more than this word we call “love”

It’s not what you think.
I see you.

In the morning.
When I close my eyes.


At night
when I lay there restless

I see you.

I replay you
every smile,
every touch,
every breath
that brought life to my heart
that still beats for you.