I saw myself on the bus today
standing slightly taller
I cut my hair, had stronger arms
and finally tailored my sleeves

I saw myself, a better version
a glimpse into another time
where I was me and not myself
and things must have been different, right?

but then I saw the look on my face
the same tired grin in my eyes
and even I from another reality
would see the same as the real me.

It's that flittery fluttery
legs feeling buttery
     suddenly stuttering
         feeling I'm feeling
that's reeling me in
    I'm falling, quite breathless
and careless
into your arms where I rest
to slowly let the air
back into my chest

I've been to too many funerals* I say
my eyes meet yours in the window

please don't make me go to yours
is what I didn't say aloud.

Just because I’m vulnerable
doesn’t mean I’m weak.
Just because I don’t cry in front of you
doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings.
Just because I don’t speak up
doesn’t mean I don’t have anything to say.
Just because I don’t react
doesn’t mean I don’t know how to tear you apart.
Just because I smile
doesn’t mean you can walk on me.
Just because I don’t hurt you back
doesn’t mean I lack masculinity.
Just because you say I am fat
doesn’t make me ugly. Not uglier than your soul.
Just because you say I’m feminine
doesn’t make my gender redundant.

I’m more a man than you’ll ever be, choking on your insecurities.
Getting kicks out of putting other people down,
everytime you feel threatened by the vastness of the world.

Just because I don’t stop you
doesn’t mean you can go back to doing what you did.

Just because I am me.
And not the version of me,
You want me to be.
Just because I am me.

And just because
I don’t roar doesn’t mean I’m not strong.
I’m more than capable of ripping you to shreds,
with my weaponry of words.

Just because.

The question is there
Left unanswered
Guesses rise
All are rejected
Feelings change
So do seasons
Once again
Heart to pieces

Simple
you said
lets keep it simple
so we did
we loved
simply
we worried
rarely
we cared
deeply

then
something changed
and it wasn't
so simple
anymore

and we may be
great at simple
but terrible
at complex

can we
go again
my love
to simple
simple love

We stood in silence
Staring at the water
That sparkled, black
Far enough away that I knew
It matched that sparkle you held in your eyes
The one you held from other people
The one that needed hours and hours
Of seemingly pointless conversations
Of my tired serenades
Of laughing arguments and long messages
Of silences that bettered us
We were so high up, see
The wind didn't even reach us
On the balcony of the building
You know you can't afford to live in
We stood in silence
Admiring the feeling
Of being overcome by wonder
Overcome by patience
And overcome by comfort
Over black, sparkling water.

Long tiring days,
Destination home,
Idyllic waistline,
Perfect head,
Must be frosty,
Delicious barley,
Always, makes the week worth it.