I sat atop the roof so high,
And sang my mournful lullaby.

Years went and the tears went
Pouring down my face. A crier
At heart, emotions run my game,
Though I was never taught how to play.

When the going gets tough,
Pull yourself up by the bootstraps,
Making sure not to hang yourself
In the process of “equality for all”.

There’s nothing equal about love, and
There’s nothing fair about emotional reactions.
Both happen spontaneously, subconsciously,
And
Suddenly
You’re living a life you never imagined.

I’m tired of singing this sad soliloquy.
It’s time to leave the roost.

The more responsibility I gain,
Further away I want to run.
Life pushes on my shoulders,
And it no longer seems like fun.

My back yearns for the ability
To sprout wings and fly.
Escaping from the chaos within
Is the only way I'll get by.

I'm  scared that this mundane life
Will ultimately  be my torturous end.
How can I escape from this road,
When I can't even see where it bends?

When two people, so different in taste, look at each other from across the dance floor, a secret sparks out of their eyes like electric rays of romantic notation. Words have yet to be exchanged, but the slow steps towards one another make time slow to an unearthly crawl. Those dancing are nothing more than hues of grey, for the two ash-stricken lovers cannot see more than those they are attracted to. Hearts pound to a rhythm that can no longer be found within the upbeats of the swaying samba. As she longs to be in his arms, he stops only inches in front, his breath caught in his throat. The increasing amount of love being released from just his simplistic gaze makes her want to run as far as she can. With him of course, though it is not a realistic approach to the turmoil surrounding their troublesome secret. A secret that increases as he gently slides his fingers against her cheek, resting the palm of his hand on the back of her neck. Feeling the contrasting temperatures of the cool evening and her racing heartbeat, her head begins to get foggy with the vision of love that is shortly about to engulf her every fiber. The kiss, so gentle and sweet, brings back the times of innocence that was not thwarted by the interruption of time and changed lives. If only they could run away…

This might not be a poem: more so a realization at most. The complaints I have throughout the day are anything but morose. Walk an hour in another man's shoes, and suddenly life has so much more I could lose. Where could I be in that first step?

I could be standing in the flip flops of a beautiful friend , taking care of four children as a new widow.

I could be in sneakers as the man  selling newspapers in the desert heat day after day.

I could be in a different shoe every day, as a comedian loved by all, who could make everyone laugh, but himself.

I could be in heels in a doctors office, facing the reality of only a few months left.

But I'm not. My shoes are worn, but my heart is not. My days might be long, but my bed is warm. The jobs I work help keep our bills paid and our food plentiful.

I was going to complain today: but when I realized how beautiful today was, I had nothing to say.

Where could you be, in that first step?

One Two Three Four Five.
A poem for you to count.
Six Eight Nine Ten...Oops.

March 19, the day you died.
The day a friend had left our side.
The call I got was short and swift.
My head spun, my heart adrift.

"Dead?!" I cried.
How could this be?
He had just left...
...I could still remember his glee.

A wife and children,
All left behind.
His story is enough,
to keep his spirit alive:

A joyful man, friends with all,
He loved his family, and trucked through every haul.
A handsome son, and three beautiful daughters,
All left behind: babes without their father.

He landed on our soil,
The land of the free.
Destined to be in his box,
His final resting memory.
"I'm sorry for your lost"
Just didn't seem right.
I had only lost a friend,
Not a mother, nor a wife.

The funeral came,
So bright and tranquil.
He loved his life,
And so many loved him.
A beautiful day, for all to hear,
Even when the bugle cried.
We listened to it's mournful lullaby.

I'm mad at you, but I'll be okay.
I could never stay mad at that goofy face.
Watch over your family, tuck them in at night,
And I'll keep from saying Good bye,
I'll simply say, See you in the sky.

A snowy morning brings forth crisp chills.
Kisses goodbye still hang in the air.
Little feet scamper in to seek warmth.
The bell sounds off, the teachers report.

Children are laughing, they are having fun.
Roll call is taken, and then math has begun.
A dark shadow quickly casts upon the walls.
A morning to forget unfolds...

Innocence is youth, they always say.
Yet how can you encompass innocence
When your friends don't go home?
When you see your mom break down?

Children should laugh, children should play
Parents shouldn't have to see them...
Gone forever.

How can one raise small minds in a cruel world?
When lollipops and sugarplums no longer dance.
Children are children, less never forget.
Give them their youth, give them a chance.

Woe is me, for I am sad.
The saddest of sad, for the reason being selfish.
I feel myself fading into the background.
I'm not mysterious, I'm not a new and shiny toy. (Person?)
I just blend into the mold of adulthood.

I want to capture life's greatest moments.
I want to make people love with all of their heart.
I want to stop having to defend my opinions.
I simply want to make my mark.

Do I want attention? Or do I want to be a better person?
I'd rather be lazy if I could. Or would I?
I need the motivation to start moving forward.
Shouldn't that motivation be myself?

I'm sick of being lazy. I need to stand strong.
On my own two feet. For my own well-being.

*Life is the longest moment in time that we have.
I need to make it count.

My days are a sad excuse for a living soul.
I go to school and then come home.
I cook and clean and mop the floors.
I take a test and work some more.
I scroll through Tickld for hours on end.
I'd rather sit around and do nothing.
All I can think about is how to earn money.

Where did my imagination go?
When I could run outside and be a lion.
When I could write a book for no reason.
When I could finish my work because I was proud.

Now I hardly care about grades.
I hardly care about my health.
I see a mess and leave it to rot.
My ideas revolve around money.
I just can't get out of this slump.

When did my life become so dull and plain?
I just want to feel alive, again.

Drip
    Drip
          Drop.
I just want to
                             STOP.
This torment
        in
       my
     mind
Needs to go
                          GOODBYE.
I want to be

H
A
P
P
Y

What is that?
How do I find it?
How do I
               let
                   go?

I'm selfish.
           DISGUSTINGLY so.
I'm young.
           GET OVER it.
I need to change.
           so CHANGE.

G e t t i n g  t h i s  o f f  m y  c h e s t  m a k e s  m e  f e e l
better.

I sit here and type,
Though I haven't a clue what to write.
My emotions are running high,
And yet my tear ducts remain dry.

I just want to scream,
Yet none of this could be a dream.
I'm so confused, and so sad,
It's more like defeated, not mad.

Why can't I just hang up the cape?
My insecurities prevent my escape.
I'm lazy, hopeless, and selfish.
To better myself is my only wish.

Help me please, I truly want to try.
*I'm sick of this constant need to cry.

My emotions are boiling over.
I just want to run away.
Take the car and drive.
Lose myself along the way.

Why do we, as humans, forgive so easily?

Sorting through the past, I've been:
Lied to,
Manipulated,
Taunted,
Hated,
Tormented.

Yet with time, I've forgiven all occurrences.

I've been manipulated so badly
that when I saw that person,
red hatred would flow within my veins.
They took my fragile emotions
and completely stomped on them.
For their own benefit.

And yet sooner or later, all is forgiven. Why?

I've been attacked verbally
both in person and virtually by close friends.
And yet I go to them and ask forgiveness.
I'm so afraid of being alone that I'd rather
have horrid people in my life
than a few close friends.

Are we, as humans,
so afraid of standing up for ourselves,
that we would rather have a plethora
of bad people in our lives,
compared to only a few good ones?

Are we, as humans,
taught to forgive and forget
instead of being true to ourselves?
We let others walk on us instead of standing strong.
We let others use and manipulate us,
and forgive them so we won't lose them.

*Is anyone else tired of these games?

I screamed out through all the madness.
The pain in my chest was unbearable.
My eyes ******* shut as tears flowed.
"Please wake me up!"

I've never been in so much pain,
Simply because I can't do anything.
All that there is is to listen from
Five-thousand miles away.

I can't help: I'm useless.
My bones start to shake from madness.
I really wish this was a nightmare.
So I could be *woken up.

Little orange flame
You start out so small:
You are wispy and frail.
You won't stand, nor fall.

The smallest of winds
Contorts you into a dance.
You are so lovely and free;
I see that at first glance.

Slowly you grow,
Your age suits you well.
Now elegant you stand
On despair you won't dwell.

Little orange flame,
So tall and so bright,
Your glow is so pure,
Please put up a fight.

I feel that ripping my heart right out of my chest
would be less painful than this ache.
Right now I just feel defeated;
like I lost a battle I wasn't fighting.

A minute ago, I felt like:
screamingragingyellingshouting
hittingslappingsobbingfighti­ngcrying.
Two minutes ago, I felt:
Hopelessalonedefeatedterrified
mournfulmiserablepassionatem­adangryhopeless.

I put so much forward, and frankly I'm sick of wearing
this fake-*** smile on my face. I'm sick of having to be "okay".
I'm sick of being sick of this; it's supposed to be my job.  
I'm sick of being upset.

I wish I could tell you how I feel;
but I don't want you to get distracted.
Yet you get distracted because I start crying.
I hate myself for that.

I purposely show that I'm upset so you can ask me why.
If you were here, that'd be okay.
But you aren't, and it's not.

I hate when the realization that when you were wrong
smacks you across the face.
It knows where it hurts the most.
And WHAM!

Right now. I feel. Guilty.

*I'm sorry.

How do you ask someone for their attention, when you know they are trying in the first place?

How can you show you're hurt, without having the words to explain?

How can you be madly in love, when you are ocean after ocean apart?

How can you wait patiently, when all you want to do is stand up and scream?

How do you survive when half of your everything is missing?

You climb up on the tightrope of life and hope, pray, believe that for one day, you won't fall.

I've never felt so alone
And I've never felt this cold.
I want to scream and run away,
But I don't have shoes on...

Pillows only know of my pain,
Everyone else gets a smile.
I just want to be held.
But you're 5000 miles away...

*I can't even imagine
What that many miles looks like.

A nightmare is a fear your heart has
when you're fast asleep.
It lurks around the corners:
It wants to play hide and seek.

They can't be taught,
Nor can be tamed.
It slices and dices your sleep,
Yet it simply wants to play.

It knows the game is over
when you wake up in a cold sweat.
Nightmares feed upon the horrors
that you'd rather just forget.

I said I wasn't okay,
(What I change).
You didn't ask why.
That made me cry.

I wasn't surprised,
I won't deny.
I'm used to that choice,
Why bother to use my voice?

I'm not fine,
And I'm not in a lie.
Why bother to hide,
My feelings inside.

You never asked,
Now nobody knows.
The pain in my heart,
Continues to tear me apart.

You're my knight in shining armor, and I'm supposed to be your queen.
Yet when my emotions run rampant, I don't know how to be.
Should I let them shine through, and be envious and green?
Or should I simply smile and say everything's okay?

Truth be told, I'm not telling a lie; I am fine.
I'm taking care of the fort, the pets and myself.
I'm still going to school, and I still have my friends.

"What's wrong?" Might you ask? Well I don't know for myself.
I just know that when the days get short and the nights get long
is the time when I miss you the most.
I miss your hugs and your kisses, I miss our snuggles.
I even miss when we'd fight at the gym.
I just want to lay together and count the stars.
I want to be held when I'm not feeling okay.
I want to know that you'll be here to stay.

I'll be waiting for when you return, though I'd give anything just to hear.
Hear you talk, and hear you laugh. I'd even listen to you snore,
and I'd probably have a blast.
I'd listen to your advice; you always knew what to say.

Say you'll love me, forever and always, and tied and true.
I promise to be yours, because I always and forever love you.

Regardless of our state of mind.
Regardless of religion.
Regardless of race.
We all love and have lost.

Sometimes, we love while losing.
For others, we must love while
being apart, while fearing the unknown,
yet knowing we can't go there.  

It doesn't matter the story,
the pain is the same.
The wait is agonizing.
The mere fact that we know
we'll see them again
keeps us warm in the coldest of nights.

Being the one who was left,
we replay those last minutes,
or even seconds. We avoid
romantic comedies, walks
through the parks, or candlelit dinners.

As the weeks turn to months,
we simply re-learn how to stand.
We take one step. And another.
We learn to live alone.

Romantic comedies are turned on.
Walks in the parks aren't so cold.
Candlelit dinners still seem corny.
And my memories serve as a blanket.

In the dark of the night,
You're all I can think about.
My heart starts to race,
and I feel like I'm falling.

falling...

I'm tired from living in
memories of our past.
My life is on standby
And I hate it.

Truth be told, I'm scared.
Scared of being alone.
I'm afraid of not being able to breath
Because you aren't here to catch me.

Doesn't anyone understand?
I've never felt a pain more sharp,
yet it doesn't even leave a mark.

You're the only one who truly gets me
And you're the only one who cared.
I can't stand laying here at night;
The darkness alone has me scared.

I need to feel your warm embrace;
A hug that takes the pain away.
When I wake from the worst of dreams,
My dream catcher is nothing but grey.

My knight in shining armor
Is temporarily misplaced
Instead I'm left with a wretch'd hole
In place of an amazing grace.

Please come home soon.

Today is going to be one of those days were I smile though all I want to do is cry.
Why can't anyone understand, why can't anyone see?
Someday's are just plain ol' horrid, and yet I still have to be me.
Maybe I'll scream, I'll scream at the world.
Though it wouldn't change anything, and no one would hear.
The brightest blue of skies can't change to way I feel,
and no one will hold me, no one will care.

Sorrow-Filled Pillows*

Curled up in a ball, my emotions overcome all
I cry into the night, will this ever be alright?
I'm coming undone at the seams, yet this isn't a dream,
How did this come to be, all I want is you and me.

I'm afraid of the dark, of the lonely nights
My mind runs off, and my body's all alone.
10 months is too long, we've been apart forever
All I want is safety, all I want is your warmth.

Physically torn in two, though my heart beats as one,
No one here understands, no one here comforts
except the pillow full of sorrow-filled tears.
How can I make it, how can I stay strong.

So close yet farther away, I want you so bad
Hold me close, and I'll never let go
My fairy tale ending has it's beginning
but it's interrupted by my sadness
and falls
slowly
like
tears.

I miss you.

DarkNightNess(C)olleen

Lapping Seas, Warming Sands*

Warm sand meshes around my feet
as I walk forward and take a seat.
Baby blues glance forward at the sight:
at the yellow orb and its sorrowful flight.

Half-moon in shape, it starts to set
Where water and sea have forever met.
Pink, orange, and yellow reflect the sky
As I feel your warmth and hear you sigh.

Behind us lies the lurking dark,
But it has not yet left its mark.
For the teal of the ocean is like a spell
And under it I have fortunately fell.

Created here is the perfect evening
Love by my side, love never-ending.
With you tonight is where I belong,
On the sand, in your arms, this is my song.

DarkNightNess (C)olleen

Uneasy Agony*

The pain
Rips, tears and pulls apart
Inside-out.

Explosive inside
Yet the tears can never slide.

Anger at first,
It takes control
Losing focus
Losing control.

Soiled and forgotten
Silent mind, silent mode
Talking to no one
Because no one knows.

Electricity sparks
A message comes to play
Angst turns to sorrow
Anguish is the game.

Pain succumbs.  
Overpowering all
Guilt rides like a 'stang
Bucking, never-ending all.

Wretchedness drags to floor
Down without a fight
Tears fill the room
A silent ring, a silent night.

DarkNightNess (C)olleen