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 Sep 12
Sarah Mulqueen
How it started
Running around the playground squealing with laughter.
Building stables on the field
Or witchy poo on the fort
Over 2 decades of knowing you. Experiencing life alongside you.
I watched in awe as you raised your family, and held it together all of these years Watching you grow into this unstoppable, firecly strong woman you are today
Ever need me, I'll be there
I'll never be in your pocket, or the other end of the phone every day
You'll always be like family to me, sorry but you ain't getting rid of me
Over 20 years of friendship. How they change alongside you and bloom in their own way
 Sep 12
Sarah Mulqueen
I've always had an image of what my idyllic life would be.
In my mind I'm failing myself if I'm not upholding that dream.

It became the most important thing for me, because then I'd be happy and content.

I didn't seek out hobbies for fulfilment and joy. Often leaving something I loved if I thought others were doing better than me.

I would stop seeing friends because this became my priority
All to have companionship, a family.
To sit around the table and share our day.

Being talked down to for years validating the fears you often already faced.
Being asked, "are you sure they're even your friend" or "why do you even like them".
When your anxiety gains a physical voice, and it's from a person you love you stop questioning the anxiety.

Years of often walking on eggshells, addressing things in a certain way to avoid any kind of conflict.
Then the table gets flipped and everything is pulled out from under you.
You have no one to turn to. Your people have been pushed away, the only ones that remain are also "their" people.

Your table looks incredibly small when there's no one to share it with.

Still afraid, unsure and raw. Your forced to find yourself. To better yourself for no one else but yourself.
It's empowering to be truly alone, and feel content with that.
To actually listen to your heart and find what makes it sing.
To not fill your life with clutter but those that truly matter.
I don't feel stronger, just more content and steady on my feet.
After a very messy breakup, after a 6 year relationship.
I finally realised I don't need someone else to validate me. I can do it for myself. It's been a hard slow journey, but I'm finally feeling like me again
 Jul 4
Sarah Mulqueen
I wish I was stronger
That my mind would leave me alone
I keep trying
Pushing through all of these walls I've built
I keep trying
To focus on the little things to get me through each day
To focus on the positives in every single day
Why can't I just stop
Stop worrying about how I'm meant to do this because the pain and sadness doesn't stop
I wish I didn't feel so strongly
The emotions I carry weigh me down so intensely
I don't want this to be who I am or how I am
But it's the only way I've ever known how to be
Countless years of trying to brake this cycle just to function
To not feel so alone
To be happy
To be able to feel free of what I escaped from
To stand proud of who I am and that I'm here today
Three years ago in September, I tried to take my life. My self worth, value and my identity was in the hands of someone else. They wanted their cake and to eat it too, and it literally destroyed me.
3 years on, I'm still struggling to put back the pieces. 3 years on I'm stuck in limbo while life carries on around me.
I'm trying daily to break the patterns and redefine myself. But daily I am struggling.
 Apr 2022
Sarah Mulqueen
I wish I was stronger
That my mind would leave me alone
I keep trying
Pushing through all of these walls I've built
I keep trying
To focus on the little things to get me through each day
But each little thing is getting harder than it ever use to be
Why can't I just stop
Stop worrying about how I'm meant to do this
How I'm going to get through this
Stop avoiding life and carry on get over it and move on
I wish I didn't feel so strongly
But the emotions I carry weigh me down so intensely
I don't want this to be who I am
Yet it's how I see myself
I've got no dreams or aspirations
And I find that really weird
Why don't I want more out of life
Why can't I see a better future for myself
I just continue to get stuck in my head and weigh myself down
I'm a burden to myself
And I resent it more than I should
I wish I could see the light the silver lining behind it
 Aug 2021
Shruti Atri
It feels unbounded,
expanded beyond wrinkles,
hammered by swinging pendulums;
hardened, with time slipping by...

I feel bound
by forgotten promises,
lost and unfounded;
with tearful, tired eyes.

In the dark, I find words I can barely see,
feelings I can barely contain;
falling through the cracks,
overwhelmed with disdain...

I see no end to this depthless void...
 Aug 2021
Shruti Atri
That moment of absolute clarity,
When you can feel
The truths you have always known-
Fit in with perspective
Right down to your bones...

Like a forgotten thought, so familiar
Snaps into place and knocks off your breath;
A weight heavier than Time
Settling on your ancient soul-
Reminding you of your fleeting existence...

We are living through
The consequences of our history;
The light as well as darker shades of humanity
Let's not add to the burdens
Our children will carry someday...
 Jul 2021
Shruti Atri
The stars are beautiful,
And I miss your light...

I am drowning in silence,
Beaten down senseless;
Spirit and soul waning,
Shrouded in brokenness...

As I lay shattered,
The light you brought has scattered;
Like escaped breaths
Lost in the shadows of regret.

I want to move again,
To feel again,
To sing again;
Joyful, with a beating heart.

From a time flown past,
That is now ashen,
Pale and bloodless,
Shards poking a forgotten ghost...

Another year has passed,
I am a shadow of a dream,
Treading alone on a darkening path,
As time walks across the sky...

The stars are shining brightly
But I still miss your light...
Dear Diva..I miss you always
 Jul 2021
Shruti Atri
Slowly open yourself
To that blinding pain...

You're scared
Of removing the bandage;
That quick fix of dissociation-
A welcome escape
From your crashed reality.

It terrifies you
That you might bleed out,
Or find something worse;
A festered wound
Incapable of healing...

You've closed your eyes
But the world hasn't fallen away;
The clock still ticks
And you need to heal and move on,
To the next chapter waiting to be read...

Overcome the pain you fear,
Find yourself in your darkness
And breathe--

Open yourself,
To the balm of healing...
Take the time and space you need to heal
 Jul 2021
Shruti Atri
You think I am a happy person...

I know I dont trust you enough
To show you my pain.


She wears a smile
And shares her warmth,
She wipes her tears
And hides her scars;

You see the rainbow she exudes,
Because she doesn't trust you--
With her festering darkness
And the thunderstorm she survived.

She hides her demons
Behind masks of her strength,
And iron will--
While they devour her from within;

You will never get to see it,
She will never let you in...
No one will have the power
To hurt her - never again.
When you try to heal yourself, but bandage yourself too tight and can't move anymore..
You must relearn to trust again.
 Apr 2021
Sarah Mulqueen
I just need some quiet
Some peace
Because these voices are screaming at me tearing me apart
Just one day to not be told how worthless I've become
These voices are tormenting me making me insane
I just want some peace and quiet
Even just one day
Self talk, our own demise
 Apr 2021
Sarah Mulqueen
Alone, though I've caused myself to be
Bitter, weak, & fragile. It's just hollow inside of me
Confused by how I got here, or who I am today
Determined to do better in every single way
Although it feels over I have a long way left to run
Eventually I hope I'll understand what it's all been for
Fresh & ready to face whatever comes my way
Glints of me keep poking through
It's overwhelming just how overbearing I've become
Just a little further, I'm sure my day is done
Lost confused changed by lust and love unable to let go
 Mar 2021
Sarah Mulqueen
The pain stings deeper than ever before
I'm not sure what I've done in this life or a past life to get dealt this hand
The winds howl, as the storm surges on inside of me
I just want to burry myself then keep on digging
Because maybe the darkness or silence will accept me
Maybe I cant fight anymore
Forgetting what it was I was even fighting for
Because I loved,
Oh my God did I love
Without boundaries or false pretence
With pure acceptance and irrefutable forgiveness
The love was pure
The pain that drives into me, will send me to madness
I want to be missed like I miss you Because by God do I miss you
Where is my silver lining
Love lost
 Dec 2020
Sarah Mulqueen
Pained with a sadness I have never known
A dagger driving into the core of my soul
As I let go of everything
Yet a calmness washes over me
Something guiding me
Its not my own
I'm noticing things differently
The way the breeze dances softly with everything it touches
The scents that are heightened
The smell of rain before the storm
Clipped grass on a hot summers day
Perfume that lingers long after they've gone
I'm not in a daze
simple pleasures are filling me with more
I don't have to be ok
I'm not sure I ever will be the same again
Love lost and shared, can rupture your entirety
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