The ineffable satisfaction
To say it's all my fault

The sad joy I sense
Dreaming about my vault

I feel so full of thoughts
I let only a few in

If I'm willing to comfort others
I can't appreciate me, myself, my own skin.

It's almost as if I scream into their ears
               and they don't hear me.
I grasp onto them
               but they don't feel me.
I draw on my body with a blade
               but they don't see me.
I'm invisible.

Gray clouds over my head, as I pick up my pen and bleed my heart out to the paper, my only friend. I'm trying to find myself, but these dark clouds resting upon me aren't helping, and I can't seem to find a dry spot on the ground.

i think about dying every day

not suicide
per se
just
alleviation

for if existence is suffering
then sadness is unending and
my anger defines me

it takes a certain sort
of courage to endure
to persist in spite of
the inevitable abyss

i am caught in a
cycle of cynicism
that leaves me jaded
more often than
i'd care to admit

and i can't help but
feel guilty nursing
my enmity

i hate him
almost as
much as
i hate me

yet i find
strange comfort
knowing one day
everyone and everything
will meet its end

we are precious
precisely because
we are finite

This  fate
has kept me sleepless
The psycohological
Inlogical pain

I ate with no hunger
and kissed you with no regret
I slept far too long in your bed

Comfortable with pain
I became.


I think I asked myself
once
if I should
**** myself

inhale
barely living, surviving
day dreams of being hit driving
crying myself to sleep
doesn't work to count sheep
hating who i am
minds a broken dam
thoughts flooding inside
i just want to hide
i never want to wake
nothing to give or take
feeling done with it all
fist punching the wall
am i mad
or am i sad
i don't know anymore
my inside is sore
i can't be fixed
feelings so mixed

exhale.

Falling

Drowning.

I remember how your voice used to keep me
at the surface
walking like Jesus on water I was
thinking that I was saved
from the beasts living, hiding at the bottom of the ocean
waiting, and waiting, and waiting in silence
for me to drown
to get deep into this misery.

Falling.

Drowning.

The beasts at the bottom are waiting and waiting,
your voice is fading, grows weaker and weaker,
I find myself unable to walk
I drown with every step I try to take.
The beasts in the deep are coming for me.


I am unsaved.

In my journey
       there was you.
the unknowable item
    or the unforeseen someone.

I've always knew you were there.
watching, listening in the far corner.

You're the darkness I tried to lighten up.
No matter how much I tried to fuel up
I came out, almost dried up.

You needed help,
I needed help,
we are both, lost soul.

Red and white
Head feeling lite
Sweetness of tear
Showing all fear
Scream so silent
Making it violent
Metal to skin
Will never win
Pill to lips
Scars on hips
Hands hold rope
Strangling last hope
Sleep long forgotten
Thoughts so rotten
Food like poison
Trap like prison
Life crumble away
Sanity won't stay
Ghostly last breath
Now welcomes death