Remember last New Years Eve?

We had plans to go to my aunts house,
then last minute you decided that you didn't want to go. You decided that you wanted to throw a party, not at our apartment, but at your fathers house. I thought this was strange, but I agreed to ditch out on my family, for you. You left early to prepare for this party; told me to meet you there later, but when I showed up at your door, you turned me away. I was dumb founded. You told me that it just wasn't the kind of party that I'd be into. What does that even mean? I should specify though, you didn't actually answer the door && tell me to leave. You were never man enough for such a thing. You texted me. I was standing outside of your door, && you texted me && told me to leave. So I did. What was I supposed to do at that point, beg to be let into a place where I was clearly unwelcome? I walked back to my car, in my sequined party dress. I drove back to our apartment. We had one of those text fights we always had; the kind where I asked you why you had done something unkind to me, && you flipped it so that by the end of the conversation I was apologizing to you && begging for forgiveness. I sat there in the dark, in the apartment, for the remainder of the night. I cried myself to sleep.

Fast forward to this year. You have the audacity to contact me, asking if I miss you. What I miss is the person I was before I knew the likes of you.

Here's to a new year, untainted by your touch.

He spoke it all into existence and now he dreadfully merits his quiet.

Words do nothing for me
He quietly echoes
They leave him lost
Like dismayed homes       
You cannot heed him 
For he is the silence
Which reeks of ire
Do not try and plead him
For your abjection
Is his sole desire
In opposition to the will
He held her hands
Like a broken clock
No time for compromise
No time to stop
Words are nothing to you
He loudly utters
Words are everything to me
She struggles to mutter
Intrusion proceeds
Denuding her garden
Walls shadow
A penalizing truth
He cannot be pardon.

12:02  in the night
and I miss the other 12:02-s
with you and Dylan’s blues
and no words sometimes
just with the drinks in which we were drowning, but we wouldn't let
each other die.

12:02 in the night
and I am trying to hold your voice somewhere
in the corner of my mind,
but it fades away with every second.
I'm trying to remember the way your left eye would smile
everytime after I’d kiss it,
the way you used to write my body down on random pieces of paper,
the nights in the bars,
the smoke of cigars,
the tissues on which we would write our love,
the morning coffee,
your body next to mine,
your dreams, my tears, your trains,
the station where I've waited for you
so many times,
the way your fingers would touch my skin,
the words,
the flowers,
your shirt covering my body in the morning,
your heart,
that night at the beach,
or the sunrises.
I'm trying to remember
the “you and I”,
the we

I'm trying to remember when did we give up
saving each other
from drowning to death.

Two broken hearts
We sit
We stare through
The broken windows
In these bleeding hearts
We sing
With great urgency
With hurt in our eyes
With aching
I look to her
And know that her heart
Seems
As if it will never be repaired
But, my darling, it will
I promise
But for now,
As we sit in our melancholy
My heart is torn
My beating has shifted
And struck
Something
My heart is broken for you, dear
And it yearns to fix yours
But,
We will sit in this
In this hurt
With our two broken hearts..
Just for a bit

This page is for me
On the road to recovery
As i try to live with the memories
Of you and me.

This page is for me
As i take it one day at a time
Till the day i think
I can get over you and me.

But for now
This page is for me
To show you
That all i can truly
Think about
Is you.

I gave him my heart,
I thought we could share,
But now he's got two hearts,
While my chest is left bare.

Drunk on love,
&& some cheap boxed wine.
I do this all the time;
Why do I do this all the time?

There are 37.2 trillion cells
in the human body
Yet somehow,
you're coursing through
every last one of them.

I push people away constantly,
For fear of ever
Falling in love with them.

The heart always wants
What it cannot have,
A far away lover
From a far away land.

All I'm left with are these words,
Which shall forever
remain unspoken.

I'll just carry on in denial,
Pretending I'm not
Heartbroken.

If my outer layers are perfectly
placed together,
Can anyone tell that
my insides are shattered?

Bruised && battered;
Does it really matter?
Does any of it matter,

To you?

Your linger in me
like a cold
infectious
that creeps into my chest
attacks my heart
haunts my mind and
spreads like a cancer.
And what can I do
but sit back
and let you wash over my body
contaminating every crevice
******* out the life
until there's nothing left.

Ground zero again. Ghost ties to old moods
now that you have found happiness,
or at least the line of best fit.
Lips interlocked incessantly on the astral beach,
over the September permafrost
where I held up the chains of my cell
just long enough to kiss you.

Chambers of blue blood, of blue feathers
interspersed in the lining of our pockets:
I felt I could fly when I finally met you.
Heard the callousness, the human history of suffering,
when the chains overwhelmed,
when I fell back to the ground.

You were my fortune in the wishing well,
but now our tongues are rearranged,
all passions now platitudes,
another name or witness to wish me well.
Ground zero again. The foundations exposed
on what might have been love.

Monoliths of steel and scorched earth.
Broken vessels sail by in the night, influence of wine;
words are tempered but the intent remains.
You remain. Extinguished shadow in the skyline,
phantom limb of loving arms. I cannot find the stars.
I cannot reach out to anyone in the space you left behind.