I lost my youth


Where did my time go...
Where did it go
When did my youth dry up?
When did I become ma'am?
When did I become so old...

Oh you...
You awful disease...
You stole two years of my life
You stole everything
My beauty
My vulnerability
My porcelain skin
Undamaged
Perfect and pristine...
My tiny bodice
And my long hair that came to my hips

You stole my confidence

You stole my youth
You stole my life for two **** years

You...
You left me in tears...

But now, I will stomp on your face
I triumphed
And I refuse to speak to you again
You don't deserve my attention
You don't deserve anything of me
I refuse to speak about you after all you've done

You thief of my youth

I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm so freaking sorry
I'm sorry for ******* us up
I'm sorry for being such a mess then
I'm sorry for making you not feel like a man
I'm sorry for begging so many times
I'm sorry that I made you stop believing in love
I'm sorry that we stopped trying
I'm sorry you fell out of love with me
I'm sorry for everything I said that hurt you
I'm so sorry
I truly I am
Please know I mean it
Please

Little bird

How I envy you in flight, little bird
How I envy how you reach out and you bury yourself into the air
How you can so easily glide in the wind
And how you're free

How I envy you, little bird
How I envy your beak
That doesn't get disturbed when singing
That is able to speak out to truth to the world
Because you're free

How I envy you, little bird
How you're at peace with yourself
And the way you so gracefully show your peace within
Your peace with nature and all that is good
And the way you're free to be in whichever state you wish

How I envy you, little bird
How your feathers rustle in the wind
And the way you're covered from head to toe
The way you're not empty and alone
The way you feel at home
Because you're free

How I envy you, little bird
Because you're not trapped in this hospital room
You can go wherever you please
You're not sick like me

How I envy you, little bird
Because with all my heart I wish I was you
How I envy you, little bird
Because you're not me

You're free

I'm scared
Of everything
I'm so scared of the reality of all this
Can I just avoid it please

My hip is sore
Maybe that's what's triggering this
It's making it real
The pain is reminding me
That's what's going to tell me
the truth

If I'm ok or not

Please let me be ok
Please

I'm really scared

I get so angry with people
That don't respect death
That don't mourn
That don't give her the time of day
A moment of silence isn't enough
She needs more
How can we carry on as if nothing has happened
As if death didn't just happen in the most unnatural way
She was so young
So ready for her life to begin
On the verge
And you have no respect for her
You can't just act normal
You can't
Pay her some **** respect
Her death deserves more

Death is something so close to me
Something I've feared
And been so close to
I can't handle people
Who have no care for its eloquence
For its swift and careful precision
Of taking lives
Death be not proud

I have an aching in my heart
And I'm not sure it can be cured
It bashes and begs to be heard
It begs to lunge out in tears and wreckless screaming
It screeches and longs to be heard
It tumbles out in fear and endless longing
I am afraid
I am deeply afraid
I'm afraid of it coming back
I'm afraid of losing hope
I feel guilty that I am ok
And she is not
God what is your purpose with me
I am filled with a hunger for love and lust
to feel safe in another's arms again
I miss everyone who's ever made me feel safe
I long to be touched
To be wanted
I'm starting not to hate myself anymore
I kind of like me
Until I try on a pair of jeans
That doesn't fit right
Then I hate me again
I hate my mirror
F*
I have so much to be grateful for
Yet I feel so alone
So afraid
So numb
So scared

As the needle hit my skin
I flashed back to 6 months ago
The first blood test
The day before I was diagnosed
As I cried
I couldn't stop crying
As I begged the nurse to pray for me
I begged and I begged God
That it wouldn't be true
I begged

I was normal then
I wasnt crooked
I guess there really is something wrong with me now
I'm traumatized
My mind isn't mine anymore
It's been defiled by cancer
By the experiences
And the fear of death
Just hearing it sends me to tears
I can't shake the feeling
That I merely escaped
Death

I'm a crooked little girl now
Bent by cancer
Skewed by pain
Pierced by constant needles
And traumatized

Pain lurks in every Crack and crevice of my mind
I'm damaged now

I'm not me anymore, am I?
I don't even find this crooked girl beautiful anymore
I hate the mirror
I hate this crooked girl I look at
Her eyes scream
She's not innocent anymore
She reeks of pain
She's crooked