I try to give myself grace
I try to hold the space
But I find that when I say
“if it’s not right now,
it’s okay,”
I feel like I’m lying

I want to get it out
without incisions
but I have my doubts
And with all the time
I’ve taken to find,
it feels like
I’m not even trying

I have no superstitions
about the end
But if it all could
just begin again…
I feel more comfort
than I’d like to in believing
that everything will stop happening

If I could find out what I want
and ease the anger at everyone
I hold each knife in my back
like a shield of armor
that leaves me vulnerable
And I find that when I say
“I know everything
will be okay”
it feels like a lie

To end the weight of grief
To have something to believe
To heal the wounded knife
To find out what to find
To have somewhere to belong
To know my favorite song
To garner the strength to try
before the new year’s ending

I love her until she takes herself seriously
We all know she’s a joke to me

I listened to you
so exclusively and intently
I never
want to hear you again

Like a friend,
turned enemy,
turned so much more
in the end

And all the songs
you used to sing
spin out of control
in my head

I used to find it
maddening
until I finally
let it sink in

You only ever
spoke the truth to me
Oh, on that night…
You took me for granted

I still listen for you
at my doorstep
but you will never
step foot again

My friend,
senselessly turned enemy
How poorly you left me
for dead

I loved to hear
you sing -
a precious memory
left in my head

I used to think you
were too good for me
but maybe I was
the better friend

My favorite flower is a ****
But aren’t they all

It always sounds much better in an empty room
where the smell of leather sticks like a perfume
and the deficit of attention drowns the thought of you

Some place where perspective changes the view
of the perpetual puzzle that takes pieces of you,
and they are aged and altered into something new

The room with a sink, floors tiled, and empty walls,
where you wash your face and you dry it off,
now home to nearly broken strings
echoing
with words only important to me

Please don’t look at me,
now I feel naked
And I would hate it
If I never saw you again

It has taken me
somewhere vacant
and I can’t find
my way home

I feel a shade
jaded
when I’m walking
in the storm

We can cut the burnt edges
and say it was always perfect
We can say this is the best it gets
while one of us is edging

We can go forth and reach the end
knowing we can never come back again
We can begin the night
as the night is ending

We can burst open with emptiness
as though we are full
We can burn through our fuel
until we are empty

We can cut the burnt edges
until it is perfect
It can only get better
when you’re standing on the edge

I could feel your skin moving
while you were thrusting
Couldn’t see your eyes
They were open
Piercing holes through the walls
of my memory
I knew it was wrong,
the wrong place to be

We were both angry and lonely
and you’d been inside before,
me unwilling
And you got away.
Tragically bonded,
all I wanted from you
was familiar bad ***

It went by so fast
I thought I was dying
But you never crashed
until in the kitchen, crying
I could feel the glass break
like I was the aluminum
at the bottom of the sink
swallowing the whisky

And it burned the whole way down
as you jogged my memory
of your past use of force
I got away this time
lost in the night
as you were screaming
and begging for
familiar bad ***