Therapy Session

What's the point of explaining
When all I get is you're ****** in the head
I feel like a caged animal forced to write **** by my own hands
I'm an ******* and no one seems to believe expect those who listen, and take me seriously when I say I ******* hate the world  
Well allow me to play the role
Of deacon blues
Because you need to vent
As I do
There's a hole in my head
The size of San Andreas
I know I'm not at fault
But I can't help but to take it to heart
A lost cause taking steps to my hearse
With each blow to my ego
Heck even my friends think I'm about to explode
A self-centered freak with my heart on a sleeve
I'm my own disease
I've been my worst enemy
I've fought myself for years
But I am better, I hope you see
I'm here for you death,
Just follow me
Knock knock
You there?
Of course not, you left
So I'm calling it quits
**** what you said, I know what I heard
I'm to far gone even the angels refuse to save me
Tonight I'm throwing lady off the cliff

Muttering, stuttering,
Lost in thought,
Steps are stumbling,
All signs
Of a heart
That's fluttering
With love

I wish I could tell you
Tell you all my secrets
So I wouldn't have to face them alone

I have anxiety
Which seems to be an overused term
By people who will never understand the feeling
Of never wanting to wake up
Where reality is too much

I'm asexual
Meaning a lack of ****** attraction
Easy right?
No. Nothing can be that easy to understand
Some of my friends have left me
My family doesn't seem to understand
How I can be asexual and have a girlfriend
My mom wouldn't let me get pride shirts
She allowed me a hair bow with my pride colors
Because it's subtle and maybe no one will notice

I have an eating disorder
Binge-Eating Disorder to be exact
My mom says I'm chubby
My doctor says I'm approaching overweight status
My friends are concerned
For they know how long I can go without food
They know how much I can eat
It's not by choice
I wish I was skinnier
I wish I could control myself
I wish I had control

I talk to myself
Like a whisper
I shut out my surroundings
To listen to the voices in my head
And this can lead to two things
Resolution or Destruction
For my mind has no middle ground
Struggling to resolve a situation
That I've poured over with gasoline
And the voices have lit the match
One false move
And the voices will win

I'm too smart for my own good
But not academically
I use animals to imprint scars upon my skin
I ride my scooter too fast down a hill
So my knee slides across the pavement
Ripping out flesh
A permanent reminder
That 1200 pound horse that stepped on my foot?
Not an accident.
When I sprained both my ankles at the same time?
Not an accident.

I have a gender that I can't identify
I feel mostly feminine
But some days I just want to be able to relax
In baggy sweatpants
With a muscle shirt
And short hair
Yet I know that if I cut my hair
I will regret it the next day
For my gender never seems to stay masculine for long

I had a journal
One that I would write in since 5th grade
It wasn't a diary
But it knew exactly how I felt
And when the bullying became worse
Turning from verbal to emotional
Emotional to physical
My journal suffered the waves of my tears
The fissures of the ripped pages
The erasure shavings left on every page

Until I burned it
Lit it on fire
Erasing any trace of who I am
So who am I you ask?
My secrets lie within this poem
So don't lose it
For this,
This is my last journal

when two hearts come together your world is full of bliss
your heart begins to pound a feeling you cant miss
you will feel excited and full of happiness
very much in love as you both caress

you will feel a glow and so full of pride
you will feel the love as it grows inside
such a lovely feeling as you begin to kiss
that will last for ever and fill your life with bliss

Hello.

Again.

How long has it been?
since you took over my skin?
since you became my sin?
This sickness from within,
I'm sure you want my ending to begin.

Poison in my world,
a perfect place in hell,
inside a golden cell,
a story remains untold.

You want a special farewell
or something for my love to compel?
a destiny for your lies to quell
or a fate only God can foretell?

Do I have news for you..

I still remember how this path began.
A last broken vow, a final failed plan.
Invisibility your surprising shield
as you just concealed and disappeared.

Venom in your words,
a blight hidden inside,
corruption in your cards,
trust always denied.

Goodbye.

Again.

I hate your voice so gentle,
And how your eyes look at me.
It's just so awkward,
Seeing you face to face,
Listening to your sweet lyrical voice.
I hate how you smile,
With your most awesome lips.

Now I'm just saying this,
For you to understand,
What I really felt with you.
I'm just really nervous seeing you,
Or it's just my heart, beating so fast,
A sign of being in love with you.

I may not be sending to one person,
But trust me, right now, it's you.
I was inspired by you to create this,
For the special one I ever dreamed of.

My love may come too soon,
Or later than I expected,
But how I wish he's you.

I will start by saying this,
3 words and 8 letters,
I love you.

we're just two lost souls swimming in a fishbowl,
year after year;
running over the same old ground,
what have we found?
the same old fears,
*wish you were here...