If there was one word
One word, isolated by itself
That I cannot stand above all others
It would have to be "Okay"
I despise "Okay"
"Okay"
Is how your millionth day at work went
"Okay"
Is off-brand raisin bran
"Okay"
Is how you say life is going
When you don't want to admit you spend
Every second of it
Wanting to die

"Okay"
Is packed to the brim with
Hidden implications
Like a treasure chest
Filled with bottles
With little subliminal hatreds
Written on tiny slips of paper
Passively aggressively pushed inside
To discover later
As I pull out a treasure map
And try to decipher
Where I went wrong

"Okay"
Is a one word dismissal
That feels like an essay a thousand pages long
"Okay"
Is a poison dripping with disinterest
When I dared to share with you
Something I thought might make you smile
"Okay"
Is like trying to talk to a wall
While watching the paint on it dry
"Okay"
Takes two seconds to write
Yet I waited days
For that dreaded word
To grace my notifications
"Okay"
Should be used sparingly
As if each time you send it
You **** the receiver just a little bit
"Okay"
Should not be said so often that
I know what you're about to say
Like I saw it in a crystal ball
"Okay"
Is not looking up from your phone
When I tell you about my day
"Okay"
Is not the proper response
To "I love you"

They say that the opposite of love isn't hatred
It's indifference
And I can't think of a response
More indifferent to pouring out
My heart into your hands
Than "Okay"
At least the last thing you said to me
Before we parted ways
Showed that you cared
At least a little bit
"I hate you"
Stung less
Than the thousands of times
Over our countless conversations
You responded
"Okay"
Okay?

I am a black girl with locs
I wear head wraps and put on African prints
I do not speak with an African accent
or religiously follow the traditions.
For that I am not African enough.

One says he loves me
One looks at me enough to burn holes into me
One comes looking for me only to act like he doesn't know me
One winks and seeks attention when I'm done giving it
One.... one said He can never like me
That one I think I like most
For that I'm foolish.

I am a small girl
I however seek to loose weight more
than people way fatter than me
They all say my size is okay but they are not
my brain and thus don't get to feel fat the way I do
For that they say I'm ungrateful.

I appreciate black men
I just prefer white men
I try not to date black men long time
For that I am racist to them.

I speak to my parents but don't go out
of my way to spend time with them
Past hurt and experiences and avoidance
of future heated discussions leads me
For that I am ungrateful.

I sit in my house and cry.
I cry at worship and feel less and lost most of the time
I take smiley pictures and eat a lot of ice cream
For that I am happy.

I love eating at restaurants and cafes
I love ice cream , cake and wine
I don't like food and rarely eat
I take pictures of my food and ice cream a lot
For that I am a show off

All assumptions, all untrue, all your thoughts
Ask me my name and hold me when I feel I'm falling apart
Love me on days I cant love myself
Ask me about me first.
Then think truths about me.

I don't know how.
God! I didn't even try
But somewhere along the way,
I fell out of love with you.

what comes to your mind every time you think about tomorrow
is it some distant place you want to see
or some place you don't care about because apart of you knows what tomorrow will be like*.
sad
empty
reminder of loving him over and over knowing he cant love you back
another day
another sad reminder.

you do not want to love him
you have tried for so long to move on from the night mare
its killing you on the inside
but you are stuck

this is not a poem
this is a reminder
of how many times I have failed to not love
when all I want to do is stop loving

this is a sad note
from an empty soul with too much misplaced love
a note from someone who should stop but for some reason continues
a deadly cause that is eating my happiness
that is draining me slowly

I just want to stop
Please help me stop.

The first time I actually saw him
My heart raced.
Then it was a date
Then it was a trip
Emotional abuse became my potion

The first time I saw him
He was just another guy
That guy told me it was nice meeting me
He thought that was goodbye
Then he saw me again
He told me he would never like me.
He said no three times in one sentence
Now he smiles and looks or my eyes in full rooms
Says be safe, and long time..... like he cares.
My ego reminds me  he said no

The first time I saw him
He  was just another guy
Then we argued a lot
Then he started saying things like I'm his half
That  I'm the love of his life
Talking about babies and   ***
But he touches me and all my senses are awakened
He holds my hand and it fits perfectly and when I try pulling away,
he holds it down tighter

Yesterday  he used my phone to text himself
He said I love you so much
He has shown it.....
He has never said it though
For me to believe it, I need to hear it too.