You asked
What is the scariest part?

I answer
The scariest part
is not the feeling of loneliness
or the darkness that fills you
despite the looming pain
of emptiness

The scariest part
is the realization  
that you have lost yourself
completely
sinking in as you lay awake
at 2 AM
because you lost the ability to sleep
and you can't even cry
because you don't even care

Patience.....
What do you know about patience
Tell me about patience
How do you learn how to be patient
Next to someone who makes everything impossible
Who pushes back at every turn
Who makes you feel bad or question everything

One day you are looking forward to an adventure
Then you are arguing about everything
Having to explain and second guess everything
Having to doubt everything

How do you master patience
Or the need to hold on to an idea?

Its not the ideal definition.
Its however all I can think of now.
Your soft touch, almost cold, almost too soft.....
Its the kind you think you imagined, but you know you didn't.

How are you?
I'm not fine..... I didn't see you all day.....

The love of my life is from....
I look at you and smile.....
you are smiling too.... with your eyes too.....

It reminds me of one of our first conversations
It makes me realize you were listening.

Hello, my name is Brenda.
I want to say......

I want to stop the staring that never says anything
I know you are looking
I know because I cant stop looking too

Hello......
I want to know you like me.

With all the empty promises
It all started at home
The backbone of society they said....
Instead of it being strong and providing a safe place for me to land
It gave me a broken disfunctional one.
Children beaten everyday endlessly for even the smallest things.
They insisted that an African child understood from their behind.
Then polygamy came in
Mama so angry at the second woman forgot to love me too
Packing her bags in the name of saving her heart
She left mine to be abused daily by the other woman

School was supposed to be my escape
It only came with too many canes
Teachers who threatened not to give you marks unless you slept with them
Children who bullied you for being poor or not beautiful enough
So many times I wanted to run
But I knew that without an education you are no body

I thought adulthood was going to be my paradise
My government however is filled with corrupt and selfish leaders
Taxes every where every day it's all you practically work for
Jobs are hard to find unless you are connected to some one on the inside by blood, or sleeping with them.
My landlord keeps banging on my door angrily
I've lied to him so much he says
But my job pays 200k , I use 100k on transport, over 50k goes to taxes and I'm left with 50k to do every other thing.

I love the beautiful scenery and weather..... but apart from that.....
My continent is killing me.

of one thing
i am sure
and that is
that i am
unsure of
myself
and it’s funny
how i can’t
sleep but my
chest closes its
eyes and hums
with a heartbeat
that is unsure of
itself, too.
i try to morph
into a body
i don’t feel
belongs to me
just so i can
fit somewhere
fit in somewhere
and i tell so
many stories
about the
universe, it
forever feels
like i am trying
to remain lost.
i am unsure
of myself;
connecting the
moles on my
skin as if they
will spell out
something bigger
so i can feel
like i matter,
at least for
a little while.
i sleep beside
myself, stare at
a reflection
so unfamiliar
i couldn’t even
identify it in
a crowd of
strangers, but
i am trying.
and one day
i’m sure i’ll
be sure
of myself but
until then,
i’ll morph into
someone i can
be proud of
and hope that
the universe
sends me back
to myself.

the smell before it rains and the taste of that first sip of tea in -20 degrees

the slow untangling of your thoughts with every beat of the drum, the way the wind blows right through you just enough to move you forward and never enough to blow you down

the sound of typing fingers when you know you're onto something good, the feeling of your own, and finally not his, skin

the seasons are changing and baby so are you / six senses are helping you develop into someone new