seethe through my veins like
rivers through the valleys
where companions turn to strangers
and they use your gifts, with no reminders of where they came from

i had it all
but lost it to the poison in my brain
the chemical imbalance
driving me insane

where silent tears fell
and drowned the words bubbling in your throat
trace the footsteps back to where
you first went wrong

let your betrayals turn to placid numbness
and that space they left in your heart,
fill it with cement
to dry and cool

for a heart as pure as yours
does not deserve to
be so hollow

so you're finally dying
today
like you said you would
yesterday
and i'm still here waiting
for the day
that comes, only as it should.

and she held on anyway
pushed and pushed
till her body gave way
first the liver,
then the kidney
your mind was lost in the shiver
and you missed me

i kissed your hands
bruised and pale
your forehead
scarred and frail
with its bandages
time slipping like sand
blood runs red
your bones hollow
like canyons

and you fell down
a few too many times
and your seizures
were the sound
of life's irrevocable fines

and now you lay in your
hospital bed
my only mother
is left for dead
i'd stand by your side
despite all the hell you showed me
you are on my mind
i still don't remember
the last time you
phoned me

You are the wolf at my door
Threatening to blow my house down
My house of cards
With kings and queens lined up beneath
The window pane, driving you insane

You scratch and claw your way in
To find me twitching and foaming
At the mouth, gaping wide
You couldn't wait to get inside
You tear it apart from the inside out
All the while I'm hyperventilating
Trapped on the ground

You weren't there to save me, no
You were there to rush me away
Out of your life, out of the day
To bury me in these January snows
But once it melts, I'll be there
Trapped in the ground

My house of cards is on fire now
The twos and threes left to the sounds
Of crackling flames and rushing winds
Wait until the rumbling begins

Where the ground you made a home for me in
Comes breaking apart at your feet
At the edges of darkness, we will meet again
At the precipice, we will meet
Again.

Drone strikes to take out the innocent
I am not sad.
Starvation, dehydration, all in one sweep
I am not sad.
**** and pillage and ******, cognitive dissonance
I am not sad.
Oppression, degradation, all in one week
I am not sad.

Heading at warp speed
To a recovery, to healing
I am not sad.
The past and the future
Lovers and abusers
I am not sad.

Honorable, slow suicides
I am not sad.
Parents who never cared
I am not sad.
The scars on your wrists and your mind
I am not sad.
The children who never learned to share
I am not sad.

It comes slipping through the cracks
You forgot to seal
I am not sad.
Don't look back
At the devil's deal
I am not sad.

refusal of ignorance beholds the vigor of the human condition;
it is in this repertoire between our minds that this ligature becomes real
we stumble over ourselves in our entreatment towards each other
dearth becomes so substantial that our hearts coil in trepidation
and for the shattered souls, we close the seal
so hold your fathers, and kiss your mothers
for they have bestowed upon you the purest of endowments.

be grateful for that which you can comprehend
for the imbecilic nature of the beast
that we all contest to extinguish
only the sagacity of our spirits can transcend
or tame, acclimatize, at least
and this is how we must distinguish

the idiosyncrasy from allurements
i can feel your pulse beneath my feet
from miles and miles away
i want you to be my heaven-sent,
i want you to be my king.
in your bold winds i will sway.

and for your adoration i will beg
until i am shackles on your legs and
ropes to your wrists
cold as sand in the nights of winter,
i want you to be my man,
where we can find our own portals in the depths of mists
you can call me your angel, your sinner.

i am taciturn in my consciousness,
yet so avidly alive
what are we good for?
you are whole in your somnolence,
yet so passionately sublime
when will i be yours?

I am the sea you built the wings to escape from,
Your heaven sails shine pristine in the November wind.
I lost the moon, lost the sun,
No chance for a sky covered in sin.
And here are the words, they begin again,
Reaching in ways my hands couldn't bear
Reaching for the one
Who honestly dear, just doesn't care.

your fingers don't match up
with the ideas in your head
and you know you've had enough,
when you found yourself wishing for what is dead
so say your goodbyes
and fall in line
with what lingers,
what is gone

it wont hurt for long,
no, the freedom is worth the wait
because one day we'll wake up
with a new mind we've known all along
take it as an ounce of fate,
if it wasn't meant to be, it goes as it must.

escape now, my hopeless Icarus

If only I could step out of this skin
and tear myself to shreds,
limb by ******* limb,
sin by ******* sin.

i am fighting this battle
the way fire
fights to stay alive
burning all it can

the words are growing emptier, now
the rage inside
singes your heart and soul
and as the embers began to rise
what remains are ashes
of the unfound

life's unknowing prey
is gazing at the stars
reflecting from the eyes
of a black clean slate

the heavens are watching you, too
they meet your gaze with anticipating glances
your pleas go unheard,
your mind loses itself, it turns
and as you're writhing,
it's still staring

your lungs were full of smoke
and you didn't seem to care
your eyes were squeezed closed
as you breathed the toxic air

and so it goes,
another one down
our lives all worth the same
we are waiting for the sound
of a thousand death rattles
clattering
through clamped teeth

so the fire burns on
singing it's same old song
of snaps and sizzles
you can hear it laughing
from behind your aimless maps
and *****-deep riddles.

let's give a go
at something new
find some new topic of prose
not so tangled, and overused.

take your shadows and
wring them out to dry
let the sun soak them away
and you'll be left with gold
in your heart,
in your soul

self loathing, victimizing
you're not fooling anybody.
stand up and face yourself
drown out the remnants of battles
you nearly lost
and be free of this

call it an omen,
call it a sign
but when you dream
it shines

spiderwebs hanging from your fingers
you are stationary
homeostasis distorts
but you're still extraordinary.

Hang your head in dissolution
We are victims of evolution.
Do you hide behind your lost ruminations?
Have you kept your heart delicately sanctioned?

Keep your words to a minimum
No ones really listening.
We are all lost in ad infinitum
With coal black souls, glistening.

Are the chains tight enough
On your scar tissue wrists?
Has the blade grown dull, the skin grown tough,
Have you lost yourself yet, to the autumn mists?

It gets cold around here
I suppose it's about that time of year
When the leaves fall, torn and halved
These winter winds could drive a man mad.

Keep watching for words
You never sought to hear
Eyes to the skies, envying the birds
For all the distance they're yet to clear.

let him go
gently, gently now
let his footsteps echo
as he walks away
embrace the sound
and swallow down all the things
you'd love to say
this time, what is lost will not be found
let your freedom sing.

from the evergreen trees
to the dead and decomposing leaves
of trees that just don't stick around
the pitter patter, that silent sound
of the fall of rain, the drip of tears
the feathers of these past years
pluck away, **** the days
that you wasted with him
there must be some way
to shadow the agony with a graceful grin

do not drown yourself
in drink
do not harm yourself
in what you think
because the sun will rise,
the sun will fall
the world will surprise
by taking all
that you had

it might not be eloquent,
but these are instructions
on how to live with a broken heart
your fingers, your words will not mend
only time will tell

he will walk away
with a lack of empathy
he will never say
that you are what he needs.

accept, regret, and see what comes next
these words are yours to protect.

i keep this dream kept safe,
down in the cage of my ribs
where flowers grow, only for you
at one point, at least.

now in this dream,
i want you to sit down and breathe
before you take a look at these words i
compose for you

in this dream, i
lay in your bed, fiddling with that
razor blade i launched into oblivion
to keep those new marks from appearing on your skin

in this dream, you're not around yet
you're off living your life, going to school, working
but the clouds began to chase you home,
their torrents washing away all you have
until you come inside and rush to lock the door behind you
back into your room, your eyes stay closed while the windows do the same
you haven't seen me in your cream sheets yet

but your eyes come open and they're alive
with rage and forlorn
and it's all you see.

i put down the blade, in this dream
in this dream, you fall to your knees
and in this dream, we grieve together
over something we lost
the moment we thought it would get better.
but you knew better

in this dream, you pushed me away
i scatter across the floor like shattered glass
careful now, not to slice that precious skin
when you clean up my pieces

but much to my chagrin, you don't pick up the pieces
you watch me come apart on the floor,
with no remorse.

your eyes are closed again, in this dream
i'm back in bed.
you lay beside me with your gentle rise and fall
of your worn out lungs.

and suddenly, in this dream,
we do not rise and fall together
as your hands are wrapped around my neck
and you're squeezing, gripping so tight
i feel the pop and blackness comes
but it wasn't enough, no

back to my shattered pieces on the floor, you grab the sharpest part
dig inside my chest, doubting you'd ever find a heart inside
but there it is, and it is weeping tears of joy
because if it could've gone by any hand,
it would be yours to have died by.

in this dream,
you killed me.

i promise to keep you warm.

i still want to spend
all the beautiful days with you
but i no longer bleed a shade
with your name laced in the hue
i am tired from nights i've lost
to the thought of you

the likeness of our minds
repel and confine
i have so many things to say,
with no where to begin
but i suppose it's okay,
since you'd never care to hear them.

this is not a love letter
this is not a suicide note
all in all, i've gotten better
but upon your name, i still choke.

All this time on my hands. Can't give what the truth demands; your fingers fell through mine like grains of sand, my heart breaks when you command. Ashamed to say it but you're still in my dreams every night, it's the same today as it was when I scream "I'm alright". Never loud enough for anyone to hear, I've succumbed to the numbness, my dear.
I never got to sing you to sleep or give my soul fully to you to keep. These waters I tread are cruel and deep, I wish for a world where our ends meet. My angel, my queen, everything in between; I was faithful, I believed, you were the truest relief.

my passion
reared it's head
and flashed it's fangs
you kissed the poison
right off its lips
it imploded
destroying
all i loved

unforgivable crimes
and their compartmentalized
little sins
shallow gasps for air
in between sighs of relief

i'll give you my wings
for a wave, hello
i'll give you anything
for you not to go

can you really
not feel the
electricity
between our skin?

let the caged bird free
though you'll miss the songs it sings.
my muse is gone, he went away
for good, forever,
no more words will stutter off my lips,
fewer sentences to scrawl
i get anxious at this time of day
noon, where the light doesn't matter
i gouge my eyes until all that's left are the sockets
all this ice beneath my feet, but i'm yet to fall.

i have dreams of men falling in love with me
and everything is as pure as they can be.
oceans beneath the winds
faith beneath the sins
i haven't lost all hope,
despite the loss of you.
what have you done with all those love notes?
did you throw them away, too?

i'm alone, but that's alright
because loneliness is something i grew up with
no eyes, but i haven't lost sight
of angels soaring, or spring's solemn kiss
phlegm built up in my throat
from all the smoke in my lungs
often times, i've found myself in the cold without a coat
do you understand me as i speak in tongues?

i've known you for a few days now,
but i've been dreaming of you forever
and the way air escapes from your lungs
when you're breathing inside of me
can you ******* carbon dioxide?

oxygen shared between two organisms
the shuffle and static between two skins

although something feels like you're the one,
i'm sure you're just another one
using me for the skin
i am living in

friendship
the bond between two strangers
bringing them together as one
fragile yet empowered
with makeshift strings of imaginary steel

lust
the demon between two outsiders
bringing them closer
but not any deeper than the skin
hiding from what burns within

love
the enigma holding us all together
and pushing us farther apart
it is the essence of friendship
and the enemy of lust

you
were my best friend
and we fell prey to lust
but we still have that love
don't we?

i
haven't lost it all, yet
but soon enough, at this rate
i must
unconditional
and irrevocable
i will always love.

I heard you speak in Greek just now
To a man who's barely alive
He was too unconscious to hear you in this world
But your words will forever echo 
In his heart. 
I need to find a way to look at you
Without falling in love all over again. 
And when I hear your voice 
It's like the call of angels from heaven,
I don't even believe in heaven. 
Was the light of your life for a few weeks there
Now I'm more like
The guiding light
To your darkened eyes
I don't know man, sometimes it just feels like
Something beautiful could've happened, and we just 
Couldn't seem to fight
For all we saw in each other, all that life
I really would have had you not
Shown me it was all for naught
Now I'm laying in lukewarm water
The soggy ends of my hair
Drinking wine someone else bought
But nothing feels as right as you,
Nothing felt as true. 
Sorry, sorry I won't shut up
I know this hurts, but please don't cry,
The happiest thing I know
Is that you're alive
And when my breath stops
When I breathe my final sigh
Years from now, a couple hundred stones down the road;
You'll still linger in my breath
You haven't been breathing well, my darling,
Because I kept some of your air for myself
To taste in the times I feel most alone
To remember your hands, and eyes, and oh god
I can't stop. 
You were meant to be in my arms and I haven't known it so strong
In so long
Once a miracle happened
when I knew he could be mine
Turns out things fell right in line
Even if I was a fallback; the second time. 
I think life works in synchronous ways
And I've seen it far too often in us, these days. 
All of me was a song we both knew,
And we both tore ourselves apart in the tub, same time, and just with you
I'm so sorry I broke apart
And quite literally terrified your heart
Into being so scared of me you can hardly look in my eyes,
But believe me when I say, this connection is one of a kind. 
I carved your name In my skin not to be spiteful,
Rather to remember you, forever, even when our ships set sail
I took your soul by the handfuls
And showed them to you with no avail 
I wish I could give you my eyes
To see the angel I can't seem to ever deny. 
Please hold out for me, when the tides get rough
The current may pull, but I am always here
To keep you afloat. 
I know in the deep end, it always gets tough,
Nightmares and daylight fears;
But I won't let you go. 
No, I won't give up on you
Until the day you no longer want me to stay. 
I won't even doubt you
When you say everything will be okay. 
Because I'll believe you, till the day I die,
When you talk, I'll listen,
You're the only truth I won't deny.

i'm your little play machine
dress down for you, all lace and skin
i might be the finest one you've seen
but there's no way i'll forget,
i don't mean **** to him.

i'm your little dress up dolly,
put on a show for you, all love and truth
3 am, you call me
just to say, just to say,
i don't mean **** to you

apologies make me sicker than betrayal
i'd rather you rub your burning coals into my skin
then pretend you care again.
my ships sail stable,
with or without you.

you said "i hope you don't disappear"
well i'll be sure to keep myself no where near
you and your deceit
and believe me, you'll never play me again,
for the first time was quite the feat.

irreplaceable.

wanted
and
needed
to
even
die

the
open

lack
of
­vitality,
emergency

yes, it's
over,
under.

those coal black eyes
i barely met
but
got to know so well
the panic, the fear
the mania, the psychotic
the love, the joy
the trust, the life

i see them now behind screens
living life as they should
plagued by the demons from behind

you were asking me what happens if you have an ******,
you grabbed me by the shoulders and told me the devil was here.
i saw it in your eyes,
but i'm not sure what it was

you are not crazy, my dear
dark skinned beauty
you are not sick
you are alive and you are well
from behind the screen

all these paths lead to the same place
all these empty gazes lead to the same thoughts
and when i'm fighting for you,
you'll be laying back, watching with green eyes
i've been trying to be everything you need and more
and i'm feeling so ******* empty and hollowed out to the core
because no matter how much i give, i will never receive half the worth

my fingers race along the keys without second thoughts
but empty words that don't mean **** to either of us
i can't make art the way i used to, no
art made me me this way
so hard to let go

i used to spend days on end just writing words
for someone to read and cry over
but no one would or could,
they're emptier than my soul left alone

but they were all i had,
a thousand billion words i had already said in my head
a million trillion times prior to
the page unfurling to the pen

i'm sick of these one sided games
where i'm always left out from myself,
watching two lovers caress each other
from the outside in
but did they feel a thing at all?

no no, you don't get it
i am in love with you
i cannot tear apart from you
and you missed it
i just want you
to love me too.

you've broken the seal
all the walls i kept held high
like the head i thought i had kept
eat me up like your favorite meal,
i cant help but to sigh
your name, it's all i have left

he says one day but
no, he does not know the way
to steal me away from you.
you are my love,
my perfect night and day.
i just want you to love me too

so here is my message
to you
you've got me,
enthralled me
captured me
break me or hold me
the choice is yours.

i just want you
to love me too.

I remember hurricane Katrina
And how it ravaged your state, you wanted to wait it out
Sit on the roof and watch the flood water disintegrate all you knew
I wasn't there but I have implanted memories of you and your father
Smoking cigarettes on top of your house
Laughing about the rage of nature
I remember skipping school in elementary
We used to walk down the paths and go into the woods and douse ourselves in creek water
And there was nothing I knew better than your face at this time
You were my brother and my best friend
And I begrudgingly remember you strung out and treating me like ****
But I knew it wasn't you who was getting kicked out of my house
It was the ******, and whatever else it might've been
I never thought you'd die alone
With not much to say for-
Not much to live for, I guess
But I knew you lived for us, Sam and I
Because when mom went you knew we needed help
And you were the big brother, and we were your precious sisters
There's nothing poetic about the way you left us at young 34 years old
And I will never forgive black tar and needles
I hope the boat you depart on burns to nothing but your ashes
And the sea takes you to a place better than ****** ever could
I never thought I'd see the day your name made it to the papers
Maybe as a success, maybe as a life that was made out to be something beautiful
But instead, I've seen you in the obituaries
Justin Colter Stilling,
That name belongs to death now.
I wish I could see you off on your trip to the other side
But instead I'll be wasting away remembering you for what you were
And it makes me wonder, how and why
We all have to die

that last one's really
all i got for you now
melodies are chanting through my head
at ultimate speed;
i can't quite capture them.

lately i've been going back
to the things i used to run from
in pursuit of something cold

it appears i've lost my muse;
though i cannot bow,
give it a nice "cheers!"
and walk away, no
when all you've left to lose
ain't got no use for old veneers

i'm not quite sure what i'm trying to tell you here,
but it's something screaming loud
i hope someday you'll be able to hear
something so profound

your tiny frame is a kingdom, no
a world of oceans and lands
ravaged by the course of nature,
the blight of humans
you are the earth.

your green eyes are the sea, wait
more like the galaxies up above
infinite in their creation
unsearchable by any kind of
ego-restrained machination

your fragile bones are structures, but
statues made in honor of something so profound
you've been thinking so hard to find
it is inside not the bone marrow that sticks around,
rather the fleeting memories you ignore in your mind

your soul is a flame, not even
it is the big bang
that brings us all to life
in your honor, all the angels have sang
I am so honored to have the privilege to call you mine.

I'll show you what love is
love is the scars he traced into your skin
  love is the ***** you expelled in your haste to forget
   love is filthy
Love is ***** like the socks you left under his bed,
love is rotten like what's left of what was
  love is the way you turned around and walked away
so as not to show him your tears
Love is the first tear that fell,
the last tear to drip
love is the blood spilled
over him
  love is every word the pen has scrawled
about him
   love is in your dreams,
awake or asleep
    love is the martyr
that brought us no relief.

you are the flickering light
here today, gone tomorrow
you are the enigmatic flash
shining to and fro

i am the all consuming dark
******* away at your last energy
gentle, gentle grasps
to end the pain
inhale slow
exhale it all
take your own advice

senseless, meaningless gibberish
all these words have come to be
i long now for eternal rest
and your arms to hold me on the way there
all i dream of is you and me
alive and free
but this world is no fair, no
no fair.

Every tree in the forest
Fell right at the same time
And nothing in that moment
Felt so far away from the sky.

You breathed your last
Through an autumn mist
The sky turned gray
And those leaves were a thing of the past.

Where will you go now,
Lost wanderer?
Will the clouds
Mourn for you;
The free bird?

she was a masterpiece behind the glass draped in gold
he was tired and homely, his rage was growing old.
the line between them was bold
but it's fine
because they ignored the disparity
of dissimilarities
through this discrepancy, they painted their canvas
with lust and expectations
they could never keep it going, a senseless apparatus
neither could sense the strength of the connection
binding them hiding them individually,
the two became as one
two to one,
counting down the moments to their
untimely demise;
when the two are no longer as one,
but none.
none could've predicted the end,
not once
but twice
when they failed
they tried
and tried again
he told her she was heaven sent,
and he was shrouded in sin,
what they didn't know is that
they were one and the same.
cut from the same cloth
but rarely clothed when they were together.
Stayed high together
one could say they were
birds of a feather
they were lost but now they're found;
she was once was okay but now she's drowned.
deep under her love for him,
she tried to float and coast through
but it was no use
his love and adoration was all she had to lose
it was enough to clear her mind of the emotional abuse
but it was not enough to clear her heart of the love.
As she lay in his bed
praying for him to come closer,
he stayed as far away as he could.
and although he knew he could love her
he wasn't sure if he should;
she was jaded
and the time they shared had faded.
but in her heart she made it,
she could fade it!
She was lost it in all her minds of minds.
Trouble is growing from underneath the seams
how they've stayed intact is a mystery,
leave all the bad in the past
it's history
the present envelops her
with his presence
and it consumes, it engulfs her whole.
She finds she cannot live without him.
he grows cold, distant
she realizes he's already gone
and she disintegrated into his front lawn,
with all the dead leaves
and fallen trees
He says,
"i'm already gone."

The magic of the mentally ill
Is the ability they master, with time,
To continue on and thrive
With a hell built into their mind.
I sobbed so hard they thought I was laughing
And instead of screaming, I whisper, silent enough that only
The weak of mind can hear.
And there's something to be said for
The weaker than the average human
And how I have to say they're different from you-
in a negative tone-
Just so you'll comprehend the difference
Between us and you.
Truth is we are stronger than anyone
Will ever give us credit for
And in our solemn solitude
We find ourselves wishing for release
Through whatever could get us out the fastest
From this hell built into our minds.
Truth is we are never going to escape.
Instead we adapt, we tie the knots between hell and heaven
And we thrive
Despite the hell built into our minds.

moments
ache
knives
embark on my skin

melodious
entrails

songs
open
more
eternities
to
hatred, love.
interesting how
nothing
grows

never look me in the
eyes
wars wage inside

Had a dream about my mama last night, keep getting little flashbacks of memories with her. It's been five months since you passed, and I'm finally realizing all the good things you put in my life, despite the bad. I wonder if you're somewhere in these heavy winds singing the weird little "Ming songs" you made up for me. I love you mama, I like to think you're still with me in the things you taught me and in that blue sky we live beneath. Call me a dweller, but I am thinking about you today. And for once, it's in gratitude and nothing but love. When you were put to rest, so were my grudges. You weren't the best mom, but you were one hell of a friend.

I tried everything and I blew you away
Like dust in the wind, like leaves decay
Your beautiful eyes and night terrors
I would wake up at the wrong times, in human error

Here is death and here is life
Intersecting points on an endless line
Men or mice,
I feel for them the same, all alike

The dead part of me begs for wholeness
And the life in me begs for you
Give into eternal rest
Or give the world it's dues
A world worth staying for
But you've lost all your worth
I'm waiting for you, can't you see?
You're the only thing I need.

I didn't mean to hurt you, no, man it's over
Over
Make a wish on a four leaf clover
She don't answer when I call her

I'm dead to you, so why not be dead to the world
If it takes my own death to see someone care enough to fight
My life unfurled
At the sight of your light

my most prominent childhood memory
is when i stood barefoot in the snow
screaming for my mommy.
it was hard to see her go.

i understand now why my father
drinks beer day in and out
because i know the feeling to want something nearer
or close to your mouth.

i was ***** by the same person
who molested me when i was four
i was just sixteen, wasnt even over the first one
same year mommy died, i turned into a *****.

i was in love with a hurricane
and it ate me alive
no use for Novocaine,
i could hardly survive.

last hospitalization
the sixth time i spent a week
with intravenous medication
for my soul to keep.

the first song i wrote was
about my step father
as he tried to push mommy down the stairs because
she was drunk, and such a bother

i spent a week at my now passed grandparents' home
with barbies, cookies, not one school day
as young as i was, as little that i had known
my life was not okay

i have been used about 36 times
in different ways, but on different days
and it makes me feel guilty sometimes
i could have coped in better ways

i reach for you like nothing before
no where near the bottle, the blade
i dont want you like the smoke, the noose i almost wore
it came apart, like we did, and so i hoped and prayed

this prose is ugly to the core
my angel would hear me sing
until she started to snore

the sun came back today
but i'm still the same
i am rivers immutable,
my currents running south
for eons, no end

and the reeds thrive in my waters
and i feed into the sea
deep in my fluids you will not rot
for you are just as pure as me

you will never forget
the way i tugged at your feet
and how you sunk so deep into my sands
and no, i wont let
you feel this incomplete
reach for me, take my hands
i will never let you drown

the ocean ***** away at me
until i run dry
these waters don't flow alone
mixed with the creatures of the sea
my ingenue lost in the riptide
this disaster is my new home

so when you return to my banks
you will see nothing but the remains
of lilly-pads, withered reeds, the decomposing of leaves
but you still will never forget me

by starlight the night grows full
of hopeless breaths and shameless guesses.
the words on my tongue grow tattered, and old,
he said he loved me, into the fabric of my summer dresses.

but the summer rolled away,
onto autumn, it came
but not to stay.
the winter winds whisper their threatening words
and suddenly, they were all i heard
you'll find her lying in sanctity, behind the flora and ferns.

the night is young
the mind is weak
without you, the song's begun
i have grown subtle, and meek

let your letters, like daggers,
rain upon me
not that it really matters
the way you're destroying
me.

Red wine bubbling in the back of your throat
Rewind the kindling of a fire you won't put it out
Oceans unchanging, swallowing whole boats
You and I left in the void, to drown

I am unfeeling and fleetingly alive
I am lonely and slowly finding peace of mind
You are salt spilled across table tops
You are a child tearing apart and lost.

Dirt on your knees and scabs on your skin
We live free with the pleasures of sin
You taste him on your tongue,
Songs we left unsung.

Your old jacket, the one you gave me,
Well the zipper broke last week.
And the sleeves are torn apart,
It's grown too tight, it don't fit how it did in the start

Metaphors for a broken heart
How the ocean rages and pulls us apart
Smiles for the tattered soul
How the angels play their role.

teeth are clenched together
caffeinated intoxicated little words
brought as one
into one minuscule prose.
the boy who shines bright as the sun
in your eyes;
i destroyed it, i suppose
lost into one broken "never mind"

your tongue lapses into
minute broken shapes
along the jaw that gapes
for all the love you've sought to lose

i wish that i had known in that first minute we met
the unpayable debt
that i'd owe you
and those words were taken
from a pretty song
that no one really knew

i long for the i.v. drip
to keep me barely alive
and i am so jealous, mother
that death took you

it starts as an innocent sip
grows to an open dive
to have for you another
one drink became a few
and you've wound up like your mother

repeating yourself,
losing yourself
to a substance abuse
and the words, they melt
together, you lit the broken fuse
that sent us all to hell

so pray your worst
and break for the best
we will all meet our funeral hearse
our minds will count for less.

my sobs sound just like yours,
mother
and my wounds look just like yours,
mother
with cuts on the wrist,
mother
and cuts on the throat
mother
i drown my sorrows in substance,
mother,
just like you
mother,
and i cant face the truth
mother
delusions abroad
mother
your replacement to this world,
mother
i am just like you
mother

i will love you till
the days grow solid
as one
and we will be together
one day
your mother, daughters,
and only son
we will coexist
as one

spent the night chewing on leaves
face down in the dirt
cracks all over me
although, i wouldn't say it hurt

we're in this sick convulsive cycle
of holding hands, then breaking our fingers apart
till the bones show, by some miracle
we were not hollow inside after all.

i cannot say i mind it, though
because of all the confusion, i had to choose
it was no thought in my demented mind to have chosen
the flickering flare of light that is you

but so i did
and so it goes
here we are, my only friend
where you embark, i follow

i will run barefoot through the snow
longing for you
like i did years ago
screaming for a mother who
never paid the time of day
to a lonely child like me
your similarities to
how she used to say
"i'm gonna die, someday"
just things you never needed to say

and i'll take a look at the stars
just hoping that you're looking too
but i know that you aren't
because you're too busy being open and loose
like kites in the air
in the summer breeze
life just ain't fair
for people like you and me

don't give your words to him
because he doesn't deserve them
don't give your patience, your time
just become the never mind

i love the way you speak,
and the way you show me the ways
all the ways you'd touch me
it's only been a few weeks, a few lonesome days
but that's all it takes
for me to see how lovely you are

and to think, regardless of how far
the land stretches on between us
we still can see the same old stars
show me the differences between love and lust.

and you're so healthy in the way that you move
giving me the fire for those bad habits i've got to lose
so maybe, just maybe, you could be my muse,
would that be okay with you?

no more nights on the dark side
with you reflecting in my eyes
no more times i'll lie awake
with your heart beating in time
with the blood rushing through my mind

no more curled toes, scared kisses
no more touching noses
you'll find another,
someone better,
no more bedtimes for just you and i.

grieving for what
was born to die
voided promises
and skin you didn't know how else to touch

no more entanglement of
your skin and mine, no more
whispers, only goodbyes

no more safe places for me to hide, no
no more home in your arms
back to holding my heart on a spiked leash
so as not to fall back, back, back
again

no more cream colored sheets
no more hands in your grasp
no more words can make the difference
no more tears will change your mind

work of the artist
never comes easy
one, two, here we go
down another road
to the unknown

time is fleeting
humming tunes of wisdom
why must the broken feel so deeply
only cause you loved them

one rose left
till the season's over
the wind's blowing harder
but you still haven't faced death

survive
the number one goal is
breaking loose
off the tracks
but we're still alive
despite this
throw away your noose!
don't make this breath your last!

present tense hypocrisy
not quite alone
but alone enough
in misery
i can feel it in my bones
this sudden rush

November is full of change,
And I swear that on my own grave.
And soon after November passes,
I swear on my mothers ashes,
Nothing will be the same.

When all you want to do is create,
But all your creations are struck solid-
As if passed through by the gaze of Medusa.
Massive waves of destruction churn and rage,
As if tragedy was the true mother of Aviendha.

And October’s anxieties are much too real
In the face of November’s wounds to heal.
December’s arrival is both relief and restraint;
From grandmother wreaths and 4 year old birthday cakes.

20 came and went and so far I have not succumbed
To the throes of dear death’s mighty blows
And I guess the real test is surviving the age of 21.
And see the difference
between my parents,
To see the difference
between me and them.

November’s change is soon to arrive-
It will not carry me from the burden of being alive,
And sometimes I can’t tell if that plea is for something beyond immortality:
The kind of thing the mortal wouldn’t believe.

November’s change is hot on our tails
And I know, that if all else fails,
I have a love stronger than the
Intermittent call of death.
Meet me on the other side,
The in betweens and underneaths
Meet me in our last breath
And the glaze that covers our eyes.
Meet me where we can make every end meet.

Don't be afraid of the dark
Be afraid of what lies in your heart
Don't fear the monsters under your bed
Fear the monsters in your head
A child's rhymes
Have no sense of time
Until they run out of theirs
And they're taking their last breath of air
There is no softer lullaby
Than a father's goodbye
No sweeter song
Than a mother's bond
Until you die
We begin again
Unformatted, untitled
Until we come alive
We become again
Unknown, unbridled

when i warned you not to fall in love with me
i didn't foresee the true future
where you took my advice, and i, well
i lost myself to your clouds

this memory is one of my favorites
where you and i went to the baseball game
with your parents and
your dogs that hated me
and we walked around the stadium
the sunset was almost as beautiful as you
then you begged your mother for beer
but instead you found intoxication
from in between my thighs

and then there was the time we got lost
on the way to annapolis,
our minds too cloudy to figure out the gps
so instead you got pizza, and i got frozen ice
but we were together and happy
before anything ever happened

do you remember when
we walked through the forest and i
expressed to you my love for radiohead and we
shared our deepest secrets on a rotted log

please remember the time
we first stayed the night with each other
it's hazy, but i can clearly see
your hands all over me
where waking up next to you
was the most refreshing place

and the times we spent naked together
our bodies intertwined, unafraid
of judging eyes, of wandering minds
where we were one

now you can't see past
the times i left shattered in my wake
and i suppose i deserve the solitude more
than your hands around my throat
although i'd much prefer the latter

you're gone and i gotta stay high
all the time
to keep you off my mind

i'm waiting for the words to make a difference
but you always focused on my actions
where they were shaky and full of twists and turns
places where your mind couldn't follow

i have done more wrong to you
than i could ever think to do
and it's like i've dragged myself across
a bed of all the blades
used in your name

i just want to wake up where you are,
one day.