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Did you ever wonder about it?
Have my actions caused thoughts
That you put aside as unlikely?

Would you ever assume
That because of my kind nature
My depressing outbursts are random?

In the dead of the night,
Have you ever worried for me,
And thought, "Is she alright?"

Or do you take me for granted,
Assuming that I am who I seem to be,
While I am different on the inside?

Do you choose not to bother yourself
Because my problems are hard to see
And do not present an immediate threat?

But what if I took my life? "I won't," but,
Would you regret never asking me things
And wonder if you could have helped?

I do not doubt that you love me,
For your genuine care is shown every day
But I bury my problems too deep to see.

I'm sorry I make it so hard to help me.
There’s not much left to write about
Happiness and sadness are gone
Instead, I’ve traversed the subjects
And they all left me fighting a scream.

Anxiety’s clutched at my heartstrings
Dampening, muting their song
But now I’m going to break free
And dive into life headlong.

I’ll play videogames and write some poems
And do all the things that I miss
For while once this was time-wasting, never
Shall I waste a day anxious for this.

I guess anxiety’s got its perks, but
The one thing it gets me to do
Is work ‘till I have no more work, but
I had nothing to do at all, so I’m blue.
But what can I do?
Here I lie, just helpless here:
Fear and doubt strangling.
Can any deed relieve this?
Surely not from me.
Will I lessen any pain?
I doubt I will play a part.
I'll be strong for you.
Usually I'm the anxious one,
Scared in crowds and streets.
But your pain is crippling you;
And I know I can be strong.
I take it back.
I said I wanted something to happen,
Something that would ****** him out of his comfort zone,
Something that would shatter his world and bring him closer to You.
But not like this, not so viciously that he can't eat or sleep.
Remove his pain, I didn't want this.
Take it back.
I know things happen,
And bad things to good people;
I wonder sometimes,
Why to him? Why in this way?
And why now? Tell me.
There's always a ploy,
Complicated stratagems,
And a backup plan.
When I meet potential flirts,
I throw up my guard.
I save aloofness and pride
For the clingy one.
For the one given to thought,
I display impulse,
Expose spontaneity,
And show thoughtlessness.
For those expecting much praise,
I laugh at their face,
Disregarding some kindness,
And I spurn their wants.
But for the analyzer,
Who looks inside me--
I open up the floodgates,
I lay bare my faults,
And try to convince the man
Of every vileness
And of every cruelty
That I can muster.
For if he believes I sin,
And do so often,
Perhaps it will save him then
From the traps I'd lay
If I let myself like him,
Try to entrance him,
And lie about my dark soul.
This way, no man knows:
No man sees my tender heart,
No man knows my fears,
No man feels my true sorrow--
And my heart is saved.
But I wonder deep at night:
Am I lonely? No...
But I've run so far from love
That I'll never try again.
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