I forgot to fill my prescription.
How is it that I always forget something that makes such an impact on my life?
Without it, I am not myself.
or am I more myself?
Who is to say that depression and anxiety aren't characteristics as opposed to mental illness?

A chemical imbalance of the brain.
That's how the doctors describe it.
That's how we describe it,
To make ourselves feel less ashamed.

So I forgot to fill my prescription.
Sometimes I think I forget purposefully.
Is it possible to cautiously make a sub-consous choice?
Cause' I think I might.
I think I do it to make myself feel alive again.
**** being able to "function".
I don't see functioning as living.
I truly feel alive when I allow myself to indulge in the pain.

Treating the emotional agony as something that I shouldn't feel, only makes me feel more ashamed of it.

So instead I indulge.
I don't cry.
I don't cut.
I don't expose.
I indulge in my inner sadness.

It makes me feel like a rebel.
Indulging makes me feel more alive than the actual act of living.
And that terrifies me.

I terrify me.

at 11:11
like we usually do
we made a wish
but he has the flu
so we txted our wishes
I made a nice wish
but when I read his
he had said "ish"

bae cannot type
properly
he types worse than he plays
monopoly

bae still is sick
so my wish didnt work
I guess I can't be mad
that he feels like elephant ****

I wish to understand these fragments of myself as beautiful.

This patch of back hair could be a
silky kitty on a window sill.

This doughy belly might as well be a
delicious pizza in the making

These hairy legs seem like
open fields of hay to roam freely.

Culture says, "You're ugly but if you do this ..... you will be desired."
The rebellious say, "You're beautiful in every single way."
But I say, "Everyone is beautiful and ugly in their own."
what's ugly is our inability to see each intricate part of
ourselves
each other
as a miracle.

And I had to walk away
I was just hoping at least he noticed I didn't run