it's hard to face the eternal grandeur of the cosmos
where every dark, empty space is full of mysteries
that are unfathomable distances away


i wonder if the star i'm looking at tonight
in the space on it's left, a couple million light years past
has a planet with a being
who feels the same things i do
while looking at the sky

i feel the ache deep down in my spine
and i take whatever i need
to pass the time

you're more than aware
i can't tell if you care
or if you tried

it's easiest to summarize
you know what i want
you know what i need
i'm here when you want
and i'm here when you need
but where have you gone?

i dream of a death that is reminiscent of sleep,
too deep
to be
in control
and to keep
my mind away

and maybe i will find relief within

my clammy my hands grasp on to my humanity as bit by bit slips through my fingers creating a more numb version of self what's left of me i don't like one bit but i can't help it i am trying and trying to hold on to once was as it floats in the air like the balloons on my thirteenth and the string gets too high much much too high and i yearn and i grasp and it slides from my fingertips up and up and away and away and i can't give a **** i'm a husk of what could be what once was floating through the stars i loved you i loved you i really did try but it wasn't enough not enough time not enough love not enough life
i lost myself and i can't find her and what's left of me can't care to try

I dream of looks that burn
And eyelashes that ****
To make grown men cry
And young girls whimper
Dressed to repress
And drowned in romance
and envious glances
Yet I falter for young daffodils
And joy and laughter
And I dream of love
And happy ever after
But I put so much effort
And care and tenderness
Into the thought of others
There's nothing left for me
.

it's safe to say that i do believe in soul mates
and you're the closest i've found
through feelings and thoughts and weather and boys
you'll be a constant source of comfort and reassurance
as we brace the cold front of adulthood together
and bare our souls out to each other
during dark and drunken nights
to the tune of top 20 pop music
and you're the only one
i've found safe
to consider
forever with

In the summer months you were a source of warmth
Burning too hot to touch
But as the weather outside cools down
Your skin became my blankets
And your heart became my pillow
But as the weather outside became cold
So did your heart
And as the rain fell down in drops, ice-cold
So did your words
And as the wind bites my skin harder
So did your thoughts of me
And as the days became shorter
So did your time with me

And soon enough I slept alone
With no blanket or pillow to keep me warm

my fingers feel like ice
my face feels red hot

forget, forget, forget
bury it deep inside
deep in the caverns
under vast oceans
no one will dare venture to
and a place i'll never go again

although i've missed grey skies
they're not as comforting compared
to your arms

although i've missed the soft sound of rain
it's not as soothing compared
to the softness of your lips
and the sound of your voice

although i've missed hot tea
it's not as warm compared
to lying in bed with you

I've lived a life without emotion
Repressed feelings and thoughts
But nothing can hold so tightly to anger
As my whitened knuckles can,
absolutely desperate to not let go.

I once knew a girl named Mary
With long blonde curls and dark brown eyes
She knows the depths of me that no one reaches
I wonder if she can remember me,

and I wonder if she writes

it's a faded blue color, pressed from being unworn
when i last wore it i was a different me
and i been many different people in between
along a natural path to find myself
i've done unnatural things,
said several things that i would never let pass
my lips again.

i've learned and i've grown, most awkwardly shown
in a faded blue dress in the back of my closet
now hugs curves that weren't there for the last
girl who wore it, and a few inches shorter

the girl back then wouldn't dare to do the things i've done alone with you,
and she wouldn't let herself feel what i feel for you, too

and she would blush at the words and the steam in the air in the back seat of my car.

I don't mind that you leave,
but I constantly crave your touch
and your warmth

I wanted you to never let go of me.

i've never felt more comfort
than of the heat that radiates
from your skin
i've never felt more alive
than with the love that comes
from your lips
and i want to hold you close
closer than i've ever held
anything

and i don't want to let go

sensually wrapped in thin skin
barely enough to hold anything in
she gave you all she had
and you wonder why she's left mad
when you couldn't appreciate anything more
than the curves of her body and the way she tore
her clothes off for you,
and you have no clue
the world wasn't made with you at the center
and you can't hold her down until you find better
to suit your tastes and wants and desire
and now she's on fire, fire, fire
her trust is gone

He looked back into his childhood, back into the dusty, rural town he grew up in. It was a sparse and boring place, houses separated by large fields and the roads into the town proper were just dirt. Even though the town itself didn't have much to offer him, these years were the ones he looked back on most fondly. He would spent hours in the dark attic with a flashlight, reading dusty old books a father he never knew left for him. That, and the pictures left behind were the only connections he had to the man.  They had the same ears.

Warning, 25%

He was raised by his lonely mother, who did the best she could to provide for his insatiable curiosity, but he still occasionally saw the deep sadness in her eyes, especially when she looked out the windows. She never seemed to be looking at anything in particular.  She always made sure he had plenty of books to read, as he went through them as most young boys go through pants. His mother was very proud of her son, who every day was looking more and more like his father.

Warning, 20%

He didn't make friends very easily, but he never felt he needed them. Knowledge was the only thing he really wanted, so it wasn't a surprise to anyone when he worked as hard as he could to get into the best college available. He studied and studied and studied, and somehow in between he met his wife there. She was the most beautiful creature he'd ever met, and he loved her dearly. He did, didn't he?

Warning, 15%

They had a son together, and he loved his family, but nothing could have ever interfered with his love for the unknown. And what's the greatest unknown there is? Space, of course! Any time he didn't spend reading was usually spent staring at the dark, light spotted sky. It wasn't long until all of his texts were replaced with astronomy textbooks and journals, and his family no longer had any hope of reaching him.

Warning, 10%

He'd always felt out of place. He never craved the affection of others, and as a result he never experienced what it felt like to be home. It never really bothered him though, because he was too busy reading and studying and learning. Now though, he wonders if it was really a taste for knowledge, or actually just a search for home.

Warning, 5%

He stared off into the darkness all around him, nothing to touched for millions upon millions of miles. He drifted endlessly through the dark, with small lights surrounding him. He took a deep breath.

Finally, he was home.

i don't know why you still reach out to me
when i give you no arms to grab on to
your name makes me angry and nervous
and i couldn't care less what you want from me

but maybe i do give the you benefit of the doubt
too much
but i'll be ****** if you see me care enough to
respond in little grey text
Seen.

my stomach is in knots
i keep searching and searching
rereading words and text
flipping through pages
unable to find the answer
to why?

why?

why what,
why i am like this
how can i stop it
was i made to be this way?
is this who i really am?
i don't want to be this
and i don't want to be me
but i can't find the reason why
and i have failed

my hands are shaking
and my throat is tight
my muscles are tense
and my stomach is in knots
and i have failed

i'm not the girl my mother wanted me to be
and i'm not sure how to find her
and i'm still here
searching and searching
rereading words and text
flipping through pages
unable to find the answer

lying on the floor of my bedroom
blowing smoke circles in the air
and the window open to let in
the cold,

i listen to songs that remind me
of you, and use the memories
to keep me warm at night.

patience is a virtue i'm uncomfortable with
and i was never taught how to love
no house has been a home
so i try to find home in people around me
but people are temporary and fleeting
and i am temporary and fleeting
my mind wanders easily
and i can't find focus
"you've got to pull yourself together, girl
you've got to watch out for your health"
but all i can hear are my walls caving in
and only small things ring through
it's the year of the snake
once a mighty dragon
sly, calm, quiet and
lonely

i want you to grasp at me
and dig your nails into me
and tell me you can't get enough

i want you to hold me
when it gets too cold outside
i want to feel your skin
against mine,

i want you to be well fed and nurtured
to be happy and healthy and well
and i want you to be proud of me

if i were to be asked how i was feeling i'd probably tell you i was fine. i wouldn't be lying, but you're not actually asking because you want to know, you're making conversation and that's okay. if i were to be asked how i was really really feeling, it'd be best described as a gaping hole in my chest. it's getting hard to breathe when i'm alone and i get the shakes so bad i can't fall asleep. i haven't been eating as well as i should and i know that probably factors in but if i look at all the facts objectively i am definitely, truly fine. i have those who love me and i'm happy in my personal relationships and even if i wasn't i have the constant companionship of a pet cat and the support of my mother and i'm doing everything i'm supposed to be doing. and i guess there doesn't have to be a reason to feel this way it's a neurological problem and it can just occur with no rhyme or reason but that being a fact almost makes it worse. i feel determined to find a reason to find something to be insecure of to solve the mystery of why i've been feeling this way but the answer isn't clear and it's frustrating.

pt. 2

my bones are made of iron and i am strong-willed and cautious. i don't need anything but my own determination to get better and i'm confident that i will.

pacing back and forth
in shoes not meant for walking
until my heels bleed

drinking caffeine to stay awake
and letting the caffeine make me shake
as it hits an empty stomach

allowing missed calls to go to voicemail
because i'm not prepared to take them

staying up until 4:33
to avoid the offers of death my dreams give me

it's not real
none of it's real
but i have to stay awake
drink caffeine that makes me shake
and bathe in the sunrise

it's still too warm to wear a sweater
but i'm wearing yours anyway
because i'd rather be too hot
than be without your comfort

your external self has changed greatly,
but i will always know you.
you may feel your new friends and cigarettes
have changed you,
but you're still the same boy i know so well
even when you're high.

yearning for orange-red and wind
she likes to go on long walks
down the streets of her home town
she feels most at home in these empty streets
walking alone
with nothing to hear but the wind in her hair
and her own thoughts.

maybe she liked being alone at first
and maybe she's gotten used to it
to where she's found an odd sort of
comfort in her own company,
"don't come close," she said.
"i won't let you hurt me again."

you're the kind of boy who handpicks flowers
instead of buying them
the kind to arrange them yourself
from the ones in the garden you feel
are the prettiest and the best

and i'm glad you've picked me

when i was a child i had a siamese cat
we found him, alone, abandoned
outside of our home
we took him with us when we left

he never liked to be inside too much
but he loved me with all of his soul
refusing to leave me be and
resting on my lap until my legs were numb

he was aggressive and mean to his own kind
never letting other cats wander upon
his territory, but he expressed a tolerance
for the young kittens next door

one day he began searching the house
climbing into the bathtubs, across furniture
on the counters, meowing incessantly
until he decided to go outside

we opened the door for him and he happily
trotted away, and in the morning we
discovered he found what he was searching for
he was searching for a place to die.

i used to always have bruises on my knees from the cold tile of the bathroom floor. the texture and the goosebumps is what i really miss, although i think that's the strangest thing about it.

why would i remember that part so vividly?
and why did i bruise so easily?

it means so little but it says so much
that the details are what i focus on the most
the feel of running my fingers over the porcelain
and how it was always so cold to the touch

i never remember why
but i remember the encouragement
the desperation
the tears in the mirror
the tearing at my skin
and the small woman with an accent
over the deli counter
who motivated me to get better

it's easy to miss you
because my arms feel so empty
when you're not in them
and there's nothing here
for them to hold
that's nearly as grand as you

it doesn't have to be romantic
i'd get them myself if i could
just a big, bunch of flowers
it's very easily understood

because it would make me happy
it's a gift full of life
they don't have to mean much
only to be bright
beautiful, lively
and they only last a while
which makes their presence much sweeter
their time is limited,
but i enjoy them infinitely
and the life they breathe into my lungs

and it'd be nice to know that you're thinking of me, and you just wanted to buy me flowers

i haven't been able to find something to wash out the bitter taste you've left in my mouth.

except maybe *****, but that only works for the night, and it's unreliable.
drinking because i'm sad usually just leaves me sad and drunk,
and that's not a good place to be either.

but the ability to forget what you've done to me is worth the risk, so i'll drink alone. i'll drink with friends. whatever i can get my hands on, really. and maybe i'll think about you, and maybe i won't. but it doesn't matter, because maybe i'll fall asleep.

and maybe i won't have bad dreams.

i can't be alone with my thoughts
so i douse them in alcohol and fire
and revel in the burning deep within
the constructs of my chest

nothing makes sense anymore
my intuition is lost
and the fire isn't warm enough

i suppose there is a lot of unsung symbolism in giving someone a plant, as plants have become an average gift to give in occasions of celebration, such as moving into a new home or graduating from school.

every moment i am with you is a cause for celebration.
you are a celebration.

no matter how many plants i can give you to put on the windowsill in your bedroom will symbolize the celebration i feel in knowing you to it's true color.

because i feel fireworks in my chest brighter and louder than the ones we kissed under and i feel happier and bubblier with you than drinking the alcohol i like to drink too much of and you give me more pleasant thoughts than the color i chose to paint the walls of my bedroom

and no matter how many poems i write
and no matter how many words i say
none of them quite amount to the sheer immensity of what i feel for you

i feel safety in your arms
i can see the sky through your eyes
and your arms have begun
to feel like home

i forget to breathe
but your fingers
tight around my throat
remind me how to

i know this is just what i'm like because this is how i've felt every time i've gotten emotionally close to someone and i don't want to tell you what's wrong and i don't want to admit that i am sad inside because you like me well enough as it is and i don't want to ruin that. i don't want you to worry about me because i know i'll be fine and i'll be better and this sadness i've felt inside for the past six years doesn't define me and doesn't determine whether or not i should be loved. if anything love is something i know i deserve and maybe will help the effects the sadness has on me but i know how it feels to be hurt and my mind tries to pick and choose certain moments to try and disprove everything that you've told me because how? i look in the mirror and i can't see what you see and although that doesn't mean it isn't there they say seeing is believing and how can i believe something i don't see? my legs ache and my stomach hurts and the emptiness in my chest wants me, begs me to find some sort of control and i can't. this isn't something that is able to be controlled or manipulated. it happens or it doesn't, and that's just it.

i guess it was sort of ironic as it's a place where people to go to be treated that they couldn't properly take care of a plant. it may not have been their fault, but it was odd to see shriveled up leaves on top of the *** full of dirt, and a bamboo stick pointing up to give direction to what was no longer there. the *** itself was colorful, adorned in hues of red and blue to give hints toward the life that was once there, and maybe that's what i do for myself. i adorn myself in hues of purple, green, blue to imply a liveliness that i no longer feel deep within. to cover up an emptiness that once held some form of life, some form of happiness and innocence. it's not like i've had it hard, i mean, things haven't been absolutely bright and sunny but i haven't experienced great loss but somehow i have lost myself. it's an odd feeling, because i know i will be okay and that everything will turn out just fine but i can't believe that in my heart and i just can't feel okay. and maybe that's fine. it's healthier to express an emotion than to cover it up and hide it, because it will build upon itself until you can no longer withstand the weight and oh, god, i know how it feels to tremble and crumble underneath the weight of unfelt emotions.

but is this better?

i look to extremes to cure the numbness in my chest and i can't care if it's good for me or not.

uncertainty is my security blanket
hiding the fears and doubts
instilled in me from the past

doubts with no reason
fears with no scares
alone with a glass
and my own thoughts
and memories of the past

i want to be careless
and i want to be free
but there is a burden
pressed upon me
a feeling in my chest
with no rhyme or reason
and maybe that's why you
taste like each season
i can't just accept
things at face value
because that's not what i've seen
repetition teaches lessons
i've learned too many times
and it's unfair to apply these teachings
because you've shown me nothing
to imply the negatives

i'm nervous and anxious
and actually kind of scared
but my hand is yours to hold
for as long as you want to keep it
and i just have to hope
you'll want it for a while

with no concept of right or wrong,
i will do what feels right to me
and you make me feel all right.

Internal conflict is a mental or emotional struggle that occurs within a character
External conflict is a struggle that occurs between a character and outside forces, which could be another character or the environment.*

what i want vs. what is safe
what i need vs. what i want
what i think vs. what i know

and i don't know much other than what i've been told
but it's hardest to tell if what i'm told is the truth
or the shadows of what i want to be the truth
and what you want me to think

and i want you to want me to think
i want you to want to permeate my thoughts
crack open my sternum and pick apart my little ribs
and find your way into my heart

i want to feel you
in every breath i breathe
but when i'm around you
i often forget how to
and find myself
breathing you in
by the lungful

it's impossible to not want to be kissing you every second that i'm with you
but i also love hearing your voice and your stories (good and bad)

i want to know everything about you
i want to know your mind
and the curve of your spine
better than the back of my hand
and i want to trace every line and crease of you
with the tips of my fingers
and i want to memorize your favorite things
so i can know you better
than i've known anyone else

as i stand, naked, before a full length mirror
i look at myself in confusion
and i desperately search for why
in every crease and line
throughout every dimple and bone
in between the spider veins and stretch marks
pale skin and scars
this isn't beauty

as i lay, naked, in the warmth of your arms
i look at you with sincerity
and i calmly understand why
in every crease and line
throughout every dimple and bone
in between your blonde hair and blue eyes
pale skin and scars
this is beauty

pink hearts and red flowers are easily handled
movie tickets and sun exposure
in the name of seeing one another
for a little bit longer

dinner dates and meeting my mother
holding each other for hour upon hour
under the impression that things
might be okay

and my ribcage is disappearing
underneath layers and layers of good intention
and i can feel the masks withering and cracking
and i am scared

Sent Jun 29th, 12:10am

i just want someone to want me
to fall in love with my personality
and not the temporary
aspects of me

i bite my nails
and i bite my lips

my room is a mess
and i pick at dead skin

i look in the mirror when i
first wake up
and right before bed

i fall too hard
and i bruise too easily

and i write about boys
who will never love me

heads
i love you
i really do
i listen to music that reminds me of you
and think about the good times

tails*
i hate you
i really do
i listen to music that reminds me of you
and cry about the good times

although i'm not in love with you anymore
i still think about you fondly in my dreams

you're just like the others
i don't want to be with you
i've learned my lessons
and you're only out to hurt me
saying you cared about me was a lie
you only care about yourself
and you want me to fix you
since you can't fix yourself

i'm not your band-aid
i'm not your babe

pour into the palm of your hand
lather gently though your hair
rinse and repeat
rinse and repeat
until you're clean of me

you've got me sitting
alone
in my room
listening to the music you like
trying to figure you out
trying to decide if you like me
if you want me

my mother says
"he probably doesn't know either"

and i'm frustrated
because someone has to
someone has to understand
and i don't
and i have to
i have to understand
you're a puzzle i can't solve
is this something i'm doing to myself?
nothing is as analytical as i need it to be
your tones of gray are confusing me
and i can't find a way to organize
the things you say to me

but to say i don't enjoy the task
would be a lie
because it does, in fact,
make me feel alive
i want you to want me,
that's very true
but it won't be easy
to convince me
that it's okay to want you

The rose captain knows my name
This perfume breath I breathed
For you my dear, my love will never leave*

dear love of old,
they say absence makes the heart grow fonder
but as i've separated myself from you
my feelings have only become colder
i used to adore every part of you
but now as we get older
i see that my rose tinted vision
wouldn't let me listen
to what i should have realized sooner:
you're only out to hurt me
even if it's unintentionally
the kind of you and the kind of me
are, truly, never meant to be
and it's not a flaw on us, you see
it's just something that is
like the tides of the ocean
dictated by the moon
and the cycles of life
we all must endure.

dear love of new,
we haven't faced much hardship or strife
since we have crossed paths in this life
our lives are young, and we are fun
and we've been hurt too much
we confide our sorrows
and look toward tomorrows
with optimistic views
and watch the news
in hopes that things will get better.
but for us, things are on the ups
because we have found one another
and things are simple,
things are fun,
and my feelings for you make me want to run
through green meadows and pick flowers
and you make me think
that things could be okay
and i will be okay

your close friends are leaving you soon

and i don't know if i'll be here when they do

unless you clean up your act real quick

there's not much else i can do

because i'm going to love me before i love you