I was falling for you faster than I ever had before,
You tore my walls down ,
by being yourself,
your embrace was my castle,
And you were the guard,
I blindly trusted you to protect what matters most to me,
you see ,
I guess we were not meant to be,
but what to I do with this half finished symphony,
I tattooed onto my heart,
your memory haunts me,
on the basement couch,
where you heard my thoughts in silence,
and held me as i cried,
after you discovered one of my demons,
In the campfire smoke,
that stings my eyes,
the same way the tears do  ,
You haunt me in the constellations,
I feel you as i sit amongst the grass,
we used to lay upon the grass,
tangled in blankets,
and the warmth of the other,
we used to talk,
we never did stop,
until you let worry silence you,
I don’t let what i can not control have power over my voice,  
I wonder what your doing,
I went from ridding shot gun,
to driving three cars behind,
you placed me in your blind spot,
now all I get are snapshots,
on Snapchat and Instagram,  
I’m left wondering who I am to you,
I hope I’m not just “some girl I knew”

My parents named me,
based on my baby blue eyes,
and blond hair,
now my golden locks,
are muddy brown,
and my eyes change with the weather,

sometimes others are confused,
throwing variations of my name around,
as if avoiding the sound of uncertainty ,
that follows those five letters,

and occasionally I hear my mundane name,
faintly in the air,
suddenly I don’t care,
I’ve stopped turning around,
Ive forgotten the sound,

and every time I meet someone new,
they ask “what should I call you”,
I don’t know what to say,
my body there,
but my mind astray,
so I mumble “Angel”,
slightly ashamed,
I don’t even know my own name

I cant do it again,
I only began to feel alive,
and it was so easy to pretend,
that everything you had forgotten was,
well.. temporary.
How could i not notice that you started to forget what i had said,
that repeating my self had become a common occurrence,
I cant do it again,
feeling as though my time with you,
was a heart machine i couldn’t view,
and when you flatlined,
i would fall to my knees,
but a prayer won’t save you,
god has no mercy,
I cant do it again,
I don’t want to dress in the color,
that absorbs happiness and hides emotion,
I don’t want to be encompassed by sunshine,
but feel darkness wherever I walk,
hear about you,
but not be able to see you,
see pictures of you,
but not be able to take one of you,
I cant do it again,
not only I had a wounded heart,
you didn’t just hop off the side of the boat,
but you sunk it,
with everyone waiting on the deck,
hoping that you would come back,
we all knew you had shot a hole,
in the side of the boat,
and as the water slowly inched its way,
from the bottom of our feet,
all the way,
above our heads,
we stayed standing strong,
holding each others hands,
as silence and sadness ,
greif and worry,
flooded our minds,
but don’t worry we survived,
we remember your story ,
every day,
constantly living in your memory,
even though you couldn’t,
but i cant go through it again,
I cant go to school every day,
waiting for a call to the office,
hopping they won’t have anything important to say,
because that would mean it was all ok,
but silently hoping the day had come,
because that day all your suffering would end,
and you’d go into the white light,
see your mom and all your friends,
but if there is one thing i know for sure,
is that I can not do it again.

I loose weight as though my body,
is a sculpture made of ice,
being carved away,
until all that is left,
is the pool of water,
under someone else beaten down shoes,
I look at myself,
as if the camera can never stop adding a few pounds,
as if suddenly my reflection is too big for the mirror,
and that even though I try,
I will never fit into the image I have sculpted for myself,
that being nothing,
is something,
and something is too heavy,
I cringe every time someone gives me a compliment,
because it is never about my size,
their words compliment everything but the elephant in the room,
and that elephant is me,
I can’t even let myself see,
that counting calories,
like bullets in a gun,
playing Russian roulette with my mind,
how many days can I waste away,
without dying,
or better yet,
how long until I don’t have to wear,
the burden of living

I can't synthesize my feelings,
Hopeless desires,
Of hopeful wonder,
Breed sadness among joy,
Scoundring moments,
Where my dying heart feels elated,
Where time isn't spent,
Wasteful nights decoding,
Melancholy thoughts,
Clouding the paper my fingers write upon,
My mirthless body feels pain,
During moments of bliss.

even when I accomplish,
things worthy of your praise,
your acceptance,
your love,
my battered heart,
gets beaten down,
my success gets thrown far afield,
because you can't be happy for me,
or accept me,
for the intelligent young women I have become,
to you I’m still the nieve child,
who didn’t learn from your mistakes,
like you wished I had,
Instead I took all your regrets ,
and ran to the ocean,
blue as my soul,
you watched in silent pain,
and a muddled mind,
as they fell from my hand,
because believe me mom,
your just playing pretend,
if you really think my life,
will be sin of flaws,
a perfect child,
for you to put pressure upon,
I try my hardest,
yet I’m just a faux pas,
i act to please you,
but nothing i do,
will ever bring joy to your face,
because in the end i was a giant mistake,
who took happieness from your life,
thats why you take it from mine,
and why in this family,
my insanity wavers on borderline,
between deranged and trying to survive,
yet , you laugh and you smile like everyone else,
but i see your mask,
do you see mine?

i thought i was over
the heart wrenching slew
of worry and doubt i put myself through
but then i go and do ,
what every girl does,
i like him again without a precedented cause,
and he talks and talks,
whines and whines
about who he likes
time after time,
but somewhere deep ,
dark and lost,
a spark of a flame has outrun the exaughst
and my body relapses and so does my brain,
negative thoughts leave a stain on my heart and my waist,
but make no mistake,
i suffer with tape over my face,
by now i know my place,
i’m not good enough to be his spark,
his flame that has not outrun the exaughst.

Forever forgotten
Was the blue colored sky
Replaced by the milky white dome
Designed to fit their polluted time

As young children lay their head to rest
A pasty pillow
A chalky night dress
And their ivory ceilings
Covered in painted charcoal stars
An artificial image forever stained on their hearts

Never will they look out at the clear pearl moon
Thinking of someone
Wondering if they're thinking of you

No snow coats the grass
In the cool winter months
No alabaster dandelions lacing the air
You can't find any white nature here

But in this moment it’s 2017
And i’m laying on the hunter green grass
Amongst the stars and the trees
And I wonder when history books will talk of this time
When the sky wasn’t painted white

I don’t know why,
a tear falls from my eye,
onto a face that can’t see its own beauty,
I cant comprehend why a scream,
escapes a mouth,
that masks a smile,
like her life is a trial,
and she cant escape,
I can’t wrap my bruised mind,
around why god gave hands,
to a body so broken,
all it wants is to take away the pain,
then cover it up because society shames feelings,
I can’t fathom why,
a brain was given to a body,
that doesn’t want to try to survive.

This is me… before me. Before I learned of the secret rules, before I broke them, and my self confidence payed the price. Before my self love was stronger than my self hate. Before I started to appreciate complements and stopped obsessing over every negative comment that spilled off tongues of those who never mattered. Before I learned the power of the word “No”. Before the boys from fairy tails blossomed into the villains I grew up watching in superhero movies and fought , but lost too, in video games.

Before I realized I had control of the names I was called. That ***** and **** didn’t define me, if I never even let them past the walls I was going to build around myself. Before I realized “friend” was not a term to be thrown around, that friends don’t throw your feelings around, that friends don’t break down your walls only to throw bullets at your heart. Then leave you alone to build yourself back up. brick by dull brick.

Before my future became the light at the end of the tunnel. That determination was the spark that changed me from wanting to be a girl from a fairy tail, into the woman in the poetry I drowned myself in. The ones who fought for the sexes to be equal and the world to be right. The woman who couldn’t sleep at night, kept up by the injustices that plagued the world she lived in.

Now I know I have a choice, Now I know I have a Voice.

I want to help others,
but first I need to learn,
how to stop myself from breaking,
at the slightest twist and turn,
I need to control the emotion,
that turns my smile,
into pain and steals the light,
that once gave me sight,
I’m blinded by the cuts that cover my waist,
hidden by clothes,
that hide my insecurities,
make sure none of my hurt shows,
so I can protect the people I love most,
from catching on,
to my broken soul

you don’t see,
for who I really am,
and i know that sounds,
cliche and over said,
but it true ,
when it rolls right off my tongue,
and it kills me,
that these words have to be sung,

Brown haired green eyed girl,
my body,
cant be misunderstood,
but its,
when I look inside ,
how i feel on what I see,
Its why others,
cant know what its like to be me,

They think I’m stuck up,
because I care bout I look,
But what they don’t know,
are all the times I cried,
oh how i shook,
when my mama,
yelled at me,
greasy hair,
overweight,
“your not pretty”

They think I’m stupid,
I don’t know anything,
all that I’m good for,
is acting ditzy,
and they dont see,
the hours i spend,
locked my room,
book open,
hand numb,
instead of out,
having fun,

brown haired,
green eyed girl,
my body,
cant be misunderstood

there isn’t a song out there
to describe how i feel,
because i don’t know
if I’m feeling
or breaking
or both.

my insanity falls
my innocence falters,
my grades drop
my days fade,
into grays i never knew were possible,
this high was a new low,

and my smile has holes,
my eyes don’t shine,
you could say I’m on the borderline
of who I am,
and if the sun don’t rise,
its because my life,
didn’t wanna try,

and my soul fades into run on sentences,
and drips it life through paint,
my pen breaks then paper ,
as my heart breaks inside,
i feel worthless and useless and dont want to try to survive.

my nights fade to mornings ,
my mornings fade to day,
insomnia always wants to play,

and everytime someone says hey,
i struggle,
rack my brain for something to say,
so i don’t stand,
my head there,
but my mind astray,

and when i come down to earth,
from my tantalizing ride,
though my thoughts
ponder into the dark side,
i say I’m ok and i really try,
hiding who i am,
its me I’m trying to find

I walk down the beach,
I look as though time has done me well,
But it has not,
The sand sinks as I walk upon it,
leaving foot prints to be washed away,
by the ever changing tide,
I realize I have not left enough marks,
on the cement.

cement is hard to mark.

It takes years upon years,
to even create a crack,
only to get stomped on,
again and again,
unnoticed.

I reach down to find a seashell in the sand,
such beauty amongst the grain,
yet hidden under nothingness,
masked by the sun,
and tumbled in the water,
whisked away,
to be lost at sea.

I remember when my heart had passion,
and I could do more than stumble down a beach,
when I could stand up,
when I could speak out,
my voice not lost,
joined together with those who also believed they could make a difference,
that they could be the stone found on the beach,
made into a necklace,
that commanded attention everywhere it went.

I approach a young boy,
he looked sad,
When I asked what troubled his mind,
He said he skipped a rock,
3 skips,
3 skips and it was gone forever,
"No!" I replied,
keep skipping the rock I told him,
Keep making ripples and one day the ocean will roar for you.