What do you do when your
faith has been shattered?
When the very words that you have been dreading to hear have finally
been spoken?

What do you do when the
answers to your
questions
leave you more broken
and disassembled
than ever before?

I don't know...
and I cannot fight these tears
in my eyes any longer.

Most days, I want to get away.
Most day I do not know what to say.
Still, I try.
Sometimes I even
do too much.
The line is always blurred to me.
Maybe that is why I am always
crossing it.
I respect people's boundaries.
The biggest problem;
I do not respect my own.
I give,
a lot.
There are some pieces of me
I will never get back.
They say you live and you learn.
I would like to say that the lessons are
sticking.
And as that big hand keeps on
ticking-

I realize that there is,

still,


so much time.

I'll be the first to admit
I'm really out of shape,
My hair is way too long
And always in my face.

I'm not that tall,
I'm actually really short.
I don't have nice features,
And I'm not good at any sport.

I'm kind of like a black eye;
Nobody wants one.

I can make you smile
I can make you laugh,
I can make you feel wanted,
So you can forget about the past.

I will always be here for you,
Day and night,
You'll never have to raise your voice,
Because we would never fight.

But none of that matters,
At least that's what it seems,
No one really wants
The unattractive me.

It has been five months since we have talked last
and I have come to the conclusion that

I was wrong.

There is nobody left for me to blame anymore.

I have come to terms with the fact that
I acted like a child and that my behaviour
was toxic.

I understand,
now,
why our situation
ended up this way
and
that the reason for all
of this distance
was

my own unforgiving misery.

You see,
I tried to convince you to love me.

My ego made way
for my downfall
and
at the end of the day
all I can say
is that-

I do not blame you for not bothering to call.

Truth be told,
you probably did not want to hear my voice
and when it came to picking up the phone;
I probably did not even have the *****.

I was a small man acting in
selfish ways
wondering why
someone as
right as rain
would not give me
the time of day.

I labelled your innocence
as ignorance
when I was the one
in denial,
all alone.

And all along the time
I had chased after you-

I had lost sight of what I wanted to become.

I will always
love you.
Even when my
heart is
broken and
my dreams
have
diminished
into
nothingness-
even after you
have long
forgotten
who I am;

there will always
be this void
in-which
you
belong.

I watched the birds fly above the hilltops and steady cliffs.

I saw the sky fade from aqua blue to sunburst orange then to a deep purple.

I felt the ground below me massage every crevice I couldn't touch.

I realized right then and there that everything was going to be okay.

Every day
I get just
A little bit
               further
               down
this path
I'm walking

And I'm
beginning to
     feel
as if,
nothing will
ever.

Stop me.

We're
         falling
                in
                   love;
And the rest
is just
science.

I've been to a
fair amount of
places
           and
I've witnessed
my fair share
of things.

But I still
can't fathom
the concept
of
*time.

and whether you want to hear it or not-
time eventually runs out.

and I know it's hard to accept
and I know death is
often times
petrifying
and it's okay to
be afraid
of what you do not know
because
I too
have no clue
as to what
awaits me on the
other side.

All I know is-

there is one.

After all this suffering.
After all this grief.
After all the highs to
low's and
the dramatic
in-betweens-

there is more to this life
than simply being here.

And a part of me would like to believe
that what we do here;
matters.

And even if it's a tiny gesture
or a massive shift in
humanity-

we all play our part.

We are all tiny messages
in fragile glass bottles
that we are too scared
to break out of.

Life is unpredictable
and we-
foolish and naive-
take our opportunities
for expression
for granted.

It is senseless to keep
anything back.

It is asinine
to believe
anything
less than
transparency
will bring us

freedom.

It won't.

Say what's on your mind
before it's too late.

And don't be one of those people
that say they

can't.

I feel empty...
And there's this numbness in
my chest that has been
keeping me awake
late at night whenever
I try to sleep.

        I feel as if
  everything
I believed in has
    turned on me,
    all at once.

****...

     well....
      
  yeah....

Maybe
    I
     could've

You started a fire
And walked away
As I burned,

I kept asking what you were doing
As you poured the gasoline,
Drenching the floorboards
Of my hope,

I didn't get much of a response,
Just a cheap apology
And a short good-bye
To what we could have become.

I knew when I first met you
That you would walk away,
But there was something so tempting
About dancing with your flame,

I took my chances,
         I kept up as long as I could,
But when I fell from physical exhaustion
Someone else stepped in to take my place.

Now, my body is almost entirely ash
And I'm watching you from afar
            Realizing that you left me
With more that just a scar.

Just like the rusted
hinges
latched to the door
of my once
lively home,
and all the things
you never
cared to say.

    I'm barely
          hanging on.

Leave me,
Like a
     ruined book
          collecting dust.
   Abandon me,
Like a steel mill
       consumed
  by rust.

Tell me about
    Tomorrow,
As if it were
       Today.
And I'll try to find
    Acceptance,
In the things
  I cannot change.

I'm stuck
In the toughest moments
From few and far between.

Searching for something
      Searching for anything.

seems like
the
best
idea.

I'm not
going
anywhere,
and I'm
a fool
for
trying
every
****
day.

They try to silence me
when my passion sings
for I am not like you
caged birds
with clipped wings.

I have crawled,
walked,
ran
and taken flight.

So it will take
more than
a wish
to end me
tonight.

I met this girl
Beautiful inside and out
And when I am with her
She takes away my doubts

I'm so light headed
And stuck in a daze
As I hope no one
Takes her away

This feeling I have
It is never ending
Kind of like numbers
There's only a beginning

I don't have much to say;
      there's not much I want to do.
I want to be
alone.
Not for the sake of
my sanity,
no,
but for the sake of
feeling whole.

I've never done well,
understanding things
like everyone else does.
my mind keeps turning gears
over and over
and over again.

At least when I'm
alone,
the confusion,
the stress,
the anxiety.
It all seems to
         go away;
I don't have to focus
on anything.
         And that puts me at ease.

My father once told me
"In life, you either sink or swim."

     I wasn't expecting the water to be so deep.
So I keep treading and holding my breath; Waiting to be pulled under by all the promises I never kept.

I have,
Nothing.

I have,
Nothing
To give you.

I have,
Nothing
To gain
Or lose
In this
Battle of
Trust.

I have
Nothing
To show for
The things I've
Done.

I have
Nothing
To say
That will
Make you
Stop
Dead in your
Tracks,
And turn around,
With open arms,
Bearing the
Opportunity
Of another
Chance.

I have
Nothing
To gain
And I have
Nothing
To lose

It's already been
Seven
Lonely months
Without
You.

I can't give you
the world, the
stars, nor grant
all of your wishes.
But I can give you
my word when I say,
           my life is better
           knowing that you
           are a part of it.

I got lost
searching
for myself.
     I never
     expected
     to stumble
     onto you,
I never
knew we'd
cross paths.

You caught
me so
off guard
that I tripped
and fell
flat on my
back.

Now you
and I are
stuck here
trying to
find the words
to say
without ever
moving our
lips,

and I'm
starting to
feel as if
getting
back up
won't be
so difficult.

People
don't
change;

opinions
      do.

Nothing
surpasses
staying up
until
five a.m
with an
opportunity
to be a
good
friend.

Reveal your
burdens
to me
and I will
do my best
to show you
that even
they
have
beauty.

I always ask myself questions:
am I good enough?
do I really have potential?
does anyone actually care?
why do I feel so displaced?
It's upsetting; knowing that I'll probably never have the answers I'm looking for.
But, I guess it's meant to be that way.
Whether or not it's for better or worse, I'll never find out.
These questions I have are the offspring of my doubt.
I'm trying my best to keep these feelings of disappointment and stress at bay.
But every time I try to speak; I find myself searching for the words to say.

Today was cold and damp,
          but it hasn't rained in weeks.
I attended a funeral today,
          but no one died.
I saw my reflection today,
          but it didn't look like me.
I saw the sky!
          but it wasn't blue.
I fell in love once,
          but it wasn't true.
      
                    I was alive today,
                          but no one knew.

I'm standing here
Cursing the sky
With slurred words.
          Damning god
For all that is wrong
In my life.

I'm starting to notice
The people with
Sons and daughters.

         They're covering their
Children's ears
To protect their innocence
From the crazy man (me) that's
Screaming at nothing.

I understand.

      I should
Probably
Do this
Elsewhere.

     No one wants
To listen to me,
And they couldn't take me
Seriously
Even if they tried.

What a miserable,
******* of a life
I must truly live.

I caught up with an old friend tonight.
And after a couple of laughs (and a decent amount of heart-breaking memories) I found myself left with this question:
"Is this life only about giving and taking? Can this really be the only thing that keeps our stone-hearts beating?"
And then it hit me, like a lighting-rod in the midsts of an electrical storm;
This life is about accepting and understanding that not everything will be golden on this yellow-brick road that we call life.
And in despite of it all,
you will be okay.

If someone wanted you
in their life
they would
make the effort
to see that you are.

That old cliché term
"actions speak
louder than words"
holds true
and I am just here
to warn you
that not every
friend

is a friend

and they
do not care
the way they
say they do.

Eight times
out of Ten
you probably
face your hardships
alone
and even though
it is not always
graceful-

you survive-

and it takes about
   twenty something years
to realize




                 most humans will never be good to you.


-Andrew Durst.

You're like a light at the end of a pitch black tunnel. and I'm sprinting towards you with wide-spread arms, even though it isn't guaranteed that you'll accept me the same way I'll accept you.
But I'm finally willing to take a chance.
   If I never try, then I'll never know, and I'm sick of beating myself up at the end of every day all due to the fact that I was too much of a coward to take a risk.

     I'm not grown; I'm growing.
         Part of growing is learning,
And I believe knowledge is a power locked deep within our heads and passion is the key to unlock it so we can let our minds run free.
     So that our ideas can become a vast landscape blooming and teeming with life!
     But, in order to learn, I have to take risks.
So I'll step into darkness with faith and hope.
Because if I never try, then I'll never know.

You're a beautiful women
With a sinister heart.
You have eyes like tornadoes
That tear me apart.

You break me down
In the most ****** up way.
But when it comes down to it
I always stay.

Your kiss is but bittersweet.
Like coffee and cigarettes
After a really long day.

When I am with you
It's like being on a really good high.
And I'm talking way past cloud nine.

That point when all the lines become a blur
When making sense is just absurd.

Because when I'm with you.

The beautiful girl with a sinister heart,

I get lost in your eyes that tear me apart.

Females:
They're
relentless
and
fierce.
but you
cannot
deny
them.

I feel
something.
   It's kind
        of
          like,
   desire.

But I just
     don't have a
          spark,
to save this
     wildfire.

All I needed
was to hear
the truth...
       And you spoke it.

For this,

I am
grateful.

I live for the moments of pure joy. Those moments of sheer ecstasy.
Where everything is not just fine; it's borderline-perfect.
It reminds me that I am alive and well.
That hope still lies around the corner no matter how many times I trip on this uneven sidewalk.
I cherish every laugh and smile my loved ones bring me. And I want them to know that they are the
only reason
I still wake up in the morning.
A thank you just isn't good enough and will never compare to what they have done and still continue to do for me.

If life
itself
is solely based
       on finding
ourselves,
even though
there's so much
to live for.

Then yes;
I believe in
fate.
Why else
would we
waste our time
with something so
          tedious?

I looked for dedication
in the shortcuts
     of my mind.
and only found
inspiration
from the things
       I can't define.

For about six years,
I haven't been able to control my emotions.
For about six years,
I've struggled to wake-up in the mornings without wanting to change who I am.
For about six years,
I have given-up every single poistive thing about me
because I am hooked.
For about six years,
I thought I was cool.
For about six years,
I thought my life was riding high on "Cloud-9"
For about six years,
I've been dependent on any chemical that will alter my mind.
For about six years,
I've struggled to look at my own reflection.
For about six years,
I've made my family cry and push me away.
For about six years,
I've watched friends come and go.
For about six years,
I've been lying to the people I love.
For about six years,
My life has been nothing but a blur.

For about six years,
I've wanted to stop.

And today
will be
that
day.