i plunge into the water again,
it's cold against my skin
thrashing against my throat
alone
quiet
something all too familiar
something i deny missing

your nails dragged themselves down my back
now i reminisce of serrated metal against my skin
that's how it feels
that's how you felt
back when old habits died hard
and i hated my name

you said you loved me
and i believed it
you were making changes
for the good
for the better

you left so many things
i just didn't think i'd be one of them

your version of love is an algorithm more basic than take-aways. you're allowed to take as much as you give and you still get a solid number. a real result. but i don't work in binaries and black-and-whites.

love is my negative number and the missing letter to my typewriter i can't find no matter which dusty beasts i search through. it's the bruise on the heel of my palm as i collide with secrets -- swiping hands beneath your sofa searching for my missing key.  

love is your receipt.
here's what you bought, here's what it cost.

i'll register bankruptcy instead. take my seven years and start over instead of being your negative number and unknown variable. a declined credit card stamped on your list of positive transactions.

My eyes are glazed over from all the times I have said, “I love you”.
Like a blank slate, my soul is empty.
My tongue hurts from all the times I asked, "What are we?"
Instead of just waiting and letting time tell its tale.
My body aches from grabbing my stomach and questioning, "Why can't I lose this weight!"
I'd feel so much more beautiful if it would just leave!
My shoulders crash into the couch cushions
I stare at my phone, my laptop, then my floor.
"When will he reply to me?" I wonder.
I have been waiting on a response all night long.
All day. All year. All of my life. I have been waiting.
But will I ever find peace in anything I am given?
"Why isn't anything ever enough?" I ponder.
Do I simply overlook the beauty in the things closest to me?
The way my hair curls up over my ears,
The way one of my teeth is a little crooked.
Are these the little things I have never appreciated because I have always expected someone else to appreciate them for me?
"When will I be satisfied?" I question myself in the mirror.
Then softly whisper a response,
"Never."

When you meet someone you know could swallow you whole
You have two options

One:
Jump into their mouths
Make their teeth your roof
and their tongue your bed
Hang on their every word
Roll with the waves of their words
Let their hot breath shape your being
Fall down their throat into their hot belly
You have no home but here
Outside is no place for you now


Two:
Run as far away as your can from the gaping cave
Plug your ears against the siren call of their voice
Do not let the inhale of their lungs pull you
Do not be small enough that they could fit you inside
Stand on your own
They are no place for you

She doddered about
Watering funeral flowers
Brought home after the mass
Even the silk ones
Comfort, in it, was the same
Who could tell her any different?

Snow today, lighter
Than yesterday's, so heavy
Than yesteryear's, so deep
Seemingly lost feathers
Of newly anointed  
Divinity's messenger
Flapping heartily, resolutely
Upward, onward, on
Clear-cut, transpicuous lifting

And snow angels
Smirk tender amusement
As harbored resentments
Drift on

7 minutes our eyes meet
6 minutes our hearts beat together in lights and sound
5 minutes your rhythm keeps my fears at bay
4 minutes your smile is all i've ever known
3 minutes my heart starts to sink, i feel you slip away
2 minutes you're off to another place
1 minute you're far away and i'm here

When I become friends with loneliness, everything isn't that cruel
I'm used to the feeling of hollow chest when it doesn't hurt me at all anymore
It feels like I'm floating but my feet are still on the ground
It feels like I have the whole universe on my shoulder but my heart is as lighter as feather
It feels like there is a giant hole but I'm full
It feels so much like chaos and peace at the same time
Loneliness is a curse and blessing

i'm full to the brim
of insecurity
from the words
that you fed me
tip me over
i'll spill
it might burn
but i'm left half empty
pour me out
of the lie
that i need you
to be full

i may be a teacup running low
but i am whole

your body is a garden
and your mind needs water
for your roots to go
but not giving them time
to rest
is like cutting them off while
you water them
self-love isn't bending
till your stem breaks
or hurting yourself
to cover others from the sun
it's embracing the rain
things you can't change
letting go of the waste
that's stopping you from
growing
bloom at your own pace
because the seeds
that stay in the storm
can grow in any place