I no longer care
If what's best for me
Isnt whats best for you
You are toxic
and I need to be loved

I see you everywhere but beside me,
the one place that I need you the most.
I don’t know if you’ve just felt like hiding,
but it feels like I’m being stalked by a ghost.
I think of my life consisting of just time biding,
with parasitic emptiness and I’m the host.
This hits me like waves I am meant to be riding,
and it follows me persistently from coast to coast.

The grass didn’t seem so green back then
I guess all that constant rain did pay off,
‘cause now this little future’s just a casual friend,
and my god looking back the past was soft.
It’s not like I always want to be drenched in sorrow,
I find I look much better in brown, blue or grey,
you know I’d trade in every tomorrow
for just one more yesterday.

I hear every voice but yours in my ears,
the deafening noise has made me forget that sound,
since I’ve heard that sweet melody it’s been too many years,
and every other pitch makes my static brain pound.
I’m always biting my lip but now I’m fighting tears,
I shake my head side to side and around.
I’m quickly losing stamina from battling my fears
and now looking forward to my hole in the ground.

The skies never seemed clear and blue back then,
it turns out that I was the creator of each cloud,
I’m hoarding past calendars so that I can pretend
that I’m back in time and making everyone else proud.
If you’ve got a hour or two that I can borrow,
I swear I’m good for it and whatever price; I’ll pay,
‘cause you know I’d trade in every tomorrow
for just one more yesterday.

I feel you all over, laced in everything,
if it wasn’t such a curse, it’d be a gift.
You’re the peace in winter and the hope in spring,
you’re the summer sun and autumn’s winds so swift.
I’m relieving every memory, looking for a place to cling,
I remember all of the details but the clarity is now adrift.
Side to side, back and forth, I constantly swing,
it pulls and drags me down but it can also give the highest lift.

The sun never seemed to shine right back then,
but maybe I was just too busy looking for artificial light.
I was never one for second looks but I should’ve searched again,
because everything I wanted was already in my sight.
So I plant a seed hoping it will eventually grow
and I sculpt all I wish for with clay,
‘cause you know I’d trade in every tomorrow
for just one more yesterday.

I'm Aurianna.
I'm so many things actually, it all depends on who you ask.
To myself... at times I am destruction.
My emotions destroy.
I am hurt.
I am only 18, who did you want me to be?
You abused me.
You destroyed me for a time, and yet still all the time.
I want to be free.
Did I build these chains link by link or did you help me?
You beat me physically while she beat me mentally.
The perfect destructive team you two made.
All without realizing.
All without each other.
Yet at times I am strong, I stand tall to protect others.
Although a single person can raise their voice to me and I shatter into a million little pieces.
I never amount to other peoples expectations of me, so in return, I am looked down upon.
My whole life really.
The secret abuse that led to many failures.
I have so many problems that I cannot fathom enough to put into words.
I fail at expressing how I feel because I don't know how.
You never taught me how.
They ask me whose fault it is that I am like this.
I say it's mine.
Why?
Because I'm eighteen.
In the eyes of the law, I am officially an adult.
Responsible for only myself.
Am I falling apart yet again?
Or have I never actually been quite pieced together?
Do I accept your screaming, dehumanizing comments and threats for the hope that someday, just someday I will be granted parental affection?
Or do I not deserve that either?
Do I deserve better?
Because I really don't know.
You're sorry... that I know.
You have said it many times before.
Only to turn around and do the same things you've already apologized for.
Feeling is what makes me human, but too much of anything is cancer to the heart.
Your words hurt me.
They always have.
Worse than any beating I have and will endure.
Your words are my cancer.
I am fighting for my freedom.
With or without you.
For I have always been alone.
I have found my strength in that.
Because I am me.

There are
things I
have suffered
through
that
will never
be a story
from my lips,
nor will
ever be
words to a paper.

I am suffocating.
I can't get you out of my head,
please go away.
So I can go back to my simple life,
the one without your smile,
without your brilliant blue eyes,
without your voice.
Why would God put you in my life...
if it wasn't meant to work between us?
The thought of your shiny blonde hair,
your mouth sliding in and out of mine.
I can't breathe.
I stay high,
so I don't have to feel you right.
I'd have to say I'm addicted,
I should stay away.
But these urges I can't fight.
I can't breathe

I am suffocating