Alexis A

Alexis A Sep 2014

I'm sitting alone
At a desk
Wearing long sleeves
In this summer heat
My laptop in front of me
A book beside me
And some pills inside me

Nobody knows
My secrets
Or my lies
I won't tell them
I won't let them in

Though I am surrounded by people, I'm all by myself within the walls I have created for myself

#lies #pills #depression #alone #secrets #walls

Alexis A Sep 2014

Figuratively

I said I was walking on glass
You took me seriously
And asked me to stop
You told me to think
Of other ways to deal
With the crisis at home
And the pain I feel
I said it was figurative
What are you talking about
I chuckled to myself
Because I'd actually do that
But I'm fine
Just not at home
'Cause I'm walking on glass
But not literally
Figuratively

This conversation between me and a friend amused me, so I turned it into a poem, and made it something that I could process my thoughts and emotions into

#home #thoughts #walking #talk #emotions #glass #conversation #literally #chuckled #figuratively

Alexis A Sep 2014

Inocence as Kids

I spent my day
With kids under 8
They were a lot of fun
And pushed me
'till I couldn't move another step
We were laughing
And smiling
And just talking
I felt like a little girl again
Going back to the age
When I still had my innocence
Before that awful thing
Was done to me
Or that I did
I don't know which it is
The kids
The made me happy
But at the same time sad
Wishing that never happened
That you
Or I
Or both of us
Would have held back
No one may understand
That kids may be a joy to my life
But also tear me to shreds
When I look at them
I can't help but see
My own innocent smile
As you took advantage of me
Or I you,
I don't know which
They called it molestation
Or just kids exploring
But whatever they call it
It changes nothing
I still lost my innocence
To a guy
When I was just 4
You were 5
Nobody knows
What happened that day
But you, me, and her

#fake #happy #boys #girls #kids #innocent #molestation #4 #5 #8

Alexis A Sep 2014

Nail Biting

I'm biting my skin
Because my nails
Well, they've been bitten to the nub
My anxiety is taking over
But I won't let it show
I don't know what to say
So the only reason my mouth is open
Is so it can wrap around my flesh
If you gave me back my blade,
I would stop biting my nails

I am biting my nails, then moving onto the skin around it. I honestly don't know why I wrote this, but I did, and I am going to post it.

#anxiety #skin #say #blade #biting #nails

Alexis A Sep 2014

Waiting

What's the effing point?
My life is *******
That's pretty clear to me
I don't see why
I should really even try
I'm tired of life
Hoping it'll end soon
But I don't know
How much longer I can wait
I will hold off
And try and be patient
But we will see
Just how long I last

To see the back story, look at the previous poems

Alexis A Sep 2014

Where can I go?

Where can I go
When I'm feeling alone
All of my usual places
Are being destroyed
My blade,
It has been taken away
The toilet,
It's being monitored
My binges,
Well what's the point
when you have to keep it in

There's no where else to go
But I can't keep it in
I want to swallow a few pills
Just to free myself
I'm tired of life
But I can't tell anyone
Or do anything
Where can I go

Same as the two before this. I'm super stressed.

#cutting #pills #life #tired #purge #binge #bulima