my world is messy
I can never be still
this feeling
that feeling
I never feel calm

I can be happy
Joyous
Funny
Laughing
and then
I can be sad
miserable
melancholy
serious

it's all a giant mess
and I can't seem
to gain control
and the only emotion
that's never changed
is the one of
love
and
suicide.

funny how even those are
complete
opposites.

-r.y.s

I hid myself
In your sadness
So I would never
Have to admit to
My own  

I feel your heartbeat in my chest
                                  I still see you
                                           When I look in the mirror
                    You echo in my eyes

                       The definition of me
         Shows your name
             In bold print
Right beside the word “love”
  That comes after the word “lost”
         My wrists are tattooed
    With invisible scars
  Lines that you
      Left there every time you cut yours
  Every other breath
  That enters or exits my lungs
  Belongs to you
  Because it should have been yours
  As you sat beside me
    Telling me stories
              And kissing my ears
                                                Thank you
                         For being a lifetime’s worth
               Of warm hugs
And “I’m sorrys”
And “Stop worrying and go to sleeps”
For showing me
What it means to live
Watching something beautiful
Wilt and die
Because the beauty of every moment
Somehow tastes
So much sweeter now

*The Suicide Diaries

There was a girl
She was beautiful
Everyone loved her
She wore a smile, whiter than snow
She talked in the halls
She laughed in the locker room
She flirted with the jocks
Even though on the outside she looked beautiful and happy, she wasn't.
Her clothes got bigger
Her friends became mean
Her smile got faker
Her parents thought she was fine
She wasn't
No one knew it but she was plotting her own self destruction
She locked herself in her room
Put a chair against the doorknob and started swallowing.
Swallowing demons friends life
She never came out of the room.
The ambulance took the body
But they left the girl
She couldn't leave.
But maybe she was already gone.

There is no "us" anymore.
There is only you.
I am but a ghostly soul trapped in a functioning cage.
But you!
You have so much potential to fulfill!
If you could see you, the way I do...
Oh well then, we would have to run to keep up.
Nothing would stop you.
Except "us".

That's why, loves, I must make my adieu.
I'm sparing you from me.
And that's the only gift I have worth giving.
Call it a parting-gift,
Though it's nothing at all compared to what you deserve.
I'm sorry for suffering you with "us".

Forgive me, my moons.
I wanted to be amongst your stars.
But I am just a comet,
My fate burns out much faster than yours.
And soon there won't even be a memory
Of  the "us" that was so very unjust.

who knew
that words would hurt
just as bad as
the blade
that was tearing my skin

Sometimes it isn't the reality of death that shakes us, but simply the loss of beautiful life.

Tweeting thrushes twittering
Above our heads,
A certain thickness about the air
Which fills my lungs with ***** matter.
The heavens opening, scarring my scaled skin.
You talking.

Tulips
Fresh from a plot of
Lazily potted plants,
The stench garrotting me as I walk past,
And just as I do, you appear,
Talking.

I'm at best when I'm resting.
Stop pressing me I need this serenity,
This blank papyrus and
Sea sodded swimwear.
My only memento of you.
Stop talking.

You and I, You and I, You and I,
They said.
Why must they lie and ignore
Your tentative gaze?
My harboured farcical thoughts
Encroaching my mind,
Slowly metastasising through the hollow mould
Which is my body.

The noose lies still on the white-wash table.

We are together again.
Our  names imprinted on a boulder of soft, cold granite,
And beneath the dead tulips
And the heavy mud,
We stop talking.