I had a perfect picture of it in my mind
Then i went to work
One stroke here and then another there
Some days I painted to put my mind at ease
There were days I would paint with anger
Others I would paint so carefree
Before I knew it I was finished

I hated it
It wasn't what I pictured in my head
So I kept adding onto it
Until it became a beautiful collage
It wasn't what I pictured in my head
But now it's perfect

I want a relationship built on trust
I want to celebrate our accomplishments
I want to listen to you rant about how good or bad your day was
I want to take care of you when your sick
I want to surprise you with breakfast in bed
I want to try weird foods with you
I want to go on spontaneous adventures
I want to have days where we just stay in bed
I want to laugh until I can't breathe with you
I want to fall asleep with you in my arms
I want cheesy dates to the movies
I want to go on long walks on the beach
I want to go shopping and spoil you
I want to share straws in a cup
Because I've never had that.

I feel like I can finally see myself
No longer do I wear a mask to protect myself
Or listen to the narratives I have been told about myself
I have broken free
I wish you could see

It's not something you can teach
It's a hunger of wanting more
It burns deep in your soul
Sometimes I want to yell at the top
Of my lungs to release this fire
But here I am hungry but always starving
Never content with what I have

There but hard to find
Given away too often
Returned to sender

Dusty glistening light
Filling his pours with gold
Crushing his heavy heart
For hes a fool searching for gold

Saw you in my dream
We were laughing in pure glee
Woke up so happy

Get yourself out of bed
When you are in bed you are dead
There's no future living in the past
Wash the cuts and scars off of your body
Let today be the first day of a new chapter
Because you cannot rewrite the past

Give me your hand
Ill show you the world through my eyes
Its such a beautiful place in disguise

I wonder what would happen
If everyone I knew could read my poems
What would change?

Would people call me fake
For the mask I wear
I always show everyone I am happy
I know some days that's true

But there are many days
I put on a mask to hide my sadness
I don't wear this mask because I am strong

I wear it for people that aren't
Then I wonder why put on this mask
Is it worth it?

Worth pretending that everything is okay
Worth not letting people in that may feel the same

Oh how I wonder how things would change....

Shes paper thin
She wants the wind to take her away
Away from all this pain
She wears it all over ghostly white face
Her skin is colder than ice
Flames burning her internally
She is silently screaming out in pain
Shedding tears no one can see
She tries to push out words to sound okay
While her lungs keep collapsing with every breath she takes
She keeps telling herself everything will be okay
But she keeps falling into pits filled with demons
Demons that make her feel comfortable
Demons that tell her everything she wants to hear
Although see knows they all just want one thing
To give her a false sense of security
Just so they can dance with her heart
When all they plan to do is tear it apart
Its just such a hard thing to see
When all you want to do is tell her everything is okay

They both saw the brightest stars in one another eyes
But their stars never aligned
Because the light in their eyes
Were from the past which they could never revive

It was a very long chase
I chased it for far too long
The chase ended when I actually caught it
It wasn't all I dreamed it to be
How could I be so foolish to believe
That my dream would become a reality
Makes me wish I could go back to that dream
Now I am awake wishing I could go back to sleep

This is kind of scary
We are almost too similar
Places, books, things we do for fun
But we are just texting
Hopefully I will get to meet you soon
Hopefully we will become one
Because I feel like I already know you
Because you are the female version of me

Its barely works
Bright vivid colors becoming colorless
Its wide up is more of a cry for help
It clicks forward
Then comes to a halt
Just to be winded up and push forward again

Why chase your ideal view of perfection
You can have a bronze tongue disguised in silver
A bond built on brokenness that is never a whole
All the answers to the questions you view as important
But never have the answers to the questions asked
Hopeful but desperate for a silver lining
Sad but happy with how I am contributing
Not feeling I am doing enough
Complacent.Lost..Happy?

Inescapable
Dreams Quieting
Hollow Ideas Consuming

They always say the first year is the hardest
When is the first for anything but hard
A flower cant bloom if it's not a seed
A seed can't bloom if it's not tended too
How our first  summer was seemingly blue
But our love for one another carried us through
Regardless of the type of day, I am thankful we didn't fall astray
For I would do it all over again if it met growing even stronger with you
I love you

I feel in the wrong
I have been swallowing my heart
Torn between what is and what could be
I wish I didn't feel this way
I don't feel broken
But oddly incomplete
Why do you feel like the missing piece
My wife  already loves me endlessly
Yet I constantly daydream about us three

Picking Tiger Lillies in the summer breeze
Packing our favorite drinks and candies
Heading to the beach
Laughing and singing our favorite melodies
Playing catch and swimming until we are content
Eating blue moon ice cream while holding hands
Running home to watch a few horror movies
With the remains of our candy
Laughing and playing the games we always do
Scrabble, Guess Who, or Egyptian Rat *****
Who knows if we are going to ***** but I can't imagine
my life without you.

I wish I knew where to go
Lost in a sea of dead dreams
Trying to hold onto me
Screaming
Shouting
Wanting to be free
But I can't seem to escape
Just an endless purgatory

Sorry
For holding  yourself worth hostage for what you could provide
You yearned to protect  others from knowing your pain
Sacrificed relationships for the sake of sounding sane
Sacrificed your dignity and humanity for a few dollars
Yet I can still see the dollar in you  through all your pain
It's exhausting...

Sorry
For giving your a false sense of pride
For isolating you  when you felt the most pain
I just wanted to protect you
From drowning in all the  self-doubt and pain

Sorry
For trying to find whatever comfort a bottle could provide
It felt safer than being viewed as weak
I felt stronger when I had a few drinks
But in reality, I was just trying to disconnect from everything
It's not your fault it was what you were taught

Sorry
For all the bad decisions and relationships we damaged
Who knows if those relationships were real
Maybe they weren't since they aren't here
But were you really there or just existing I can't answer that
We will just call it even I guess
I can't change the past but I will always wonder what could've been

Sorry
For all the self-hate
You weren't shown what self-love looked like in the first place
You can't blame yourself
You were a blank canvas just seeking validation
You ran to find it but instead, you found anger and hate

Sorry
For letting others write your narrative for so long
In reality, it was already being written at the birth
Totted as smart and strong in public
But dumb and weak in private
The lines got blurred from time to time

Sorry
For tolerating and letting those narratives hold you
Felt safer to comply than to fight
I can't blame you
Because those narratives were reinforced every step of the way

Sorry
I just wanted the best for you
I did what I had to protect you
Once Again I am sorry

Thank You
You did protect me and I will be forever grateful
But its time to let go
Some dreams die but others are about to bud and bloom
I love you but I am no longer you
I don't want to miss another season because I couldn't accept what we have been through
I will forever miss some parts of us
But its time to start anew

I use to think three was a crowd
Slowly you came into our lives
Quickly you stole our time
When you are around
Hours turned into minutes
Every weekend wasn't long enough
How I long for those times