You know that feeling in your stomach?
Not butterflies
The other kind
The kind that sits in your stomach
Almost
Like a rock
The kind you get
With guilt
And regret
Yeah
That feeling

Long days
Short nights
Fireflies float the dark sky
A breeze gently swaying trees
Stars glitter in formation
Smoke curly softly through the air
Sparks sending shivers through my spine
Summer

Hey
How are you?
Is heaven as good as they say?
I know you left me nine years ago
But, It was my birthday
So I thought I should write
Are there plenty of fishing holes?
How's Grandma doing?
I miss you.
I think about you all the time
I lay in my bed and think of all the fun we had
I miss you so much
I miss the way you smelled like strong coffee
The light scent of Grandma's tobacco
Your tan skin speckled with spots
Your silver hair
The watch that was twice the size of my wrist
The oil spots on your clothes
The dust on your boots
The grey plaid cowboy shirt
With the pearly snaps
How tall you were
Your hands held up against mine
Calloused and huge
But warm
Your raspy but soothing voice
The way you lifted me up
The way you read silly story books to me
Made me giggle like crazy
How you encouraged me
Gave me Catapillar trucks for Christmas
How immovable, and solid
You seemed
I remember the day you cam home with a broken leg
They don't know how or why you went
They said the brain
I say it was the heart
I miss you

I listen to Lost Boy
I sit
Halfway in tears
Remembering past times
Thinking about life
Last year
Sitting with my best friend
On the football field
Talking about music
As the sunlight kissed our skin
Running through the sprinklers laughing
Listening to the song
Talking about life
Where did you go?
I miss you.
I see you
But no longer know you
Longing for Peter Pan
To pick me up
Fly me away
To better times
Places
And my friend

Everything around me is gray
People phase in and out
Friends just kinda are there
Your family stands in the background
Like an old, grainy, black and white picture
Rain falls in time with your tears
Who can tell you're even there
Like a ghost you flit in and out of life
A spectator to everything
Participant in nothing
Life just seems...kind of bland

I think of Him
Of what He has done for me
He brought me up when I was down
He Comforted me
Never abandoned me
So this
This is my poem
Of Thanks

Rain drops
Cookie dough
1/5
2/5
red 1/5
blue 1/5
eccentric
esoteric
bippity boppity boo
everybody clap your hands
supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Quite atrocious
Horrid
calamity
GADGETRY
Tragedy
To Infinity, and BEYOND
This is my
Nonsensical
Whimsical
Fickle
Erratic
Lewis Carroll like
Dumbledore Approved
Because I can
Poem.
And that's that

Once upon a time
or "Once upon a Midnight Dreary
As I pondered Weak and Weary"
I thought of life and of a great many things
I thought of who I thought he was
He charmed me
And half the other girls
My best friend was right
I didn't listen
I could only think maybe
just maybe
I could finally have a chance at what seemed everyone else had
I was wrong
Dreadfully wrong
He told me stories of what he "Used" to be
I was blinded
I didn't think of consequences
He charmed me
and when I couldn't be with him
He dropped me
Not a few days later
I find he is with someone else
He never liked me
He fooled me
But I thank him
For he opened my eyes
That maybe, someone else cared for me  
Someone who wouldn't just flatter and move on
Somone who I didn't see until now
And surprisingly this boy
When he came and went
Gave me hope

Crimson
Gold
Bold Oranges
Crisp, clean air
The remains of Summer
A short, quick breath of Winter
Warm hoodies
Those crunchy leaves
The brightly painted sky
Smells of spices
Apple cider
Dressing up
Free candy
*Autumn

The Rabbit Hole, for me
is not a place that people normally think it is
It's apartment complex doesn't hold Mary Jane
The Golden Girls
or Aunt Nora
Nor does it serve biker's coffee
or electric Kool-Aid
It doesn't powder their doughnuts with angel dust
No, it isn't for me
But my rabbit hole is hell enough for me
My rabbit hole houses an angry mother
a disappointed father
Friends who stare, but don't speak
It serves missing assignments I swore I did
A cup full of stress, fresh from 5 months ago
A glass half empty with tears
And I can't escape
I'm stuck there
With chains round my ankles
Every mistake adds another one
Pulled tighter by the people housed there
Freedoms lost
And the top of the rabbit hole closes

I try to be nice
With parents gone
I'm in charge
If three kids
12
10
And 8
12 and 10 fight like there is no tomorrow
Punches
Kicks
Mean words bandied about like swords
Me and 8 trying to break it up
Me
Seeming like the bad guy
Parents not fixing it
Someone always gets hurt
I'm done
I can't handle it anymore
I seem like the bad guy to 8 as well
My youngest brother
I can't do anything right
Sisters getting mad when I can't fix it
And I can't
I'm just a kid
I can't

When everything goes wrong
Just makes the time when
Everything goes right
That much sweeter

they came back*
My nightmares
Ever since I was little
They haunted me
The old lady in the house atop the hill
The killer who used a hook
To Mix and pull my brains
The man whose eyes were burned
The lady in the shadow
Whose claws would come to get me
The blood red dragon
Atop his piles of treasure
The poisoner
The man in a glowing blue orb
Who struck me down by lighting
The goblin
Who pulled me wing by wing
The cliff
Whose edge I fell
The box which let me down through
spiraling colors
Each time
I relive them
Sometimes knowing I'm dreaming
And not being able to get out
The terror the same, sometimes larger
Than the last

They help you in tough places
When you're stuck between a rock and a hard place
Or
The frying pan and the fire
They make you glow
They boost your self confidence
They encourage you
At least
That's what they are supposed to do
Right?

When you leave
Your insides
Are ripped to shreds
If you leave the people
That you love
You shatter
Like a mirror
You want to
Scream
Shout
And cry in
Emotional
Pain
Until eventually
You glue yourself together
You are never
The same
You have the scars
Good or bad
To show for it
But you eventually
Come back together

You can do
99 things
You can hug
Love
And share with someone
But they will only
Remember
You didn't kiss them
You can do the dishes
Sweep
And clean the kitchen
But they will only
Remember
You didn't wash the cupboards

I am
Different
Weird
Strange
Eccentric
A nerd
Or geek
But I accept that
It took a while
But I do
So whenever you use this as an insult
Just remember
I will take it as a compliment
This is me
How I describe myself
My adjectives

My brain
As a child
Was immaculate
Stored facts
Everything was in its place
I talked to grow ups with confidence
I never shirked
Confidence
In myself
Grownups
Surprised
Angry
At my insolence
Would tell me to go away
To go play with other kids my age
I tried
And tried
And tried again
But they deamed me
Weird
Freak
Nerd
I couldn't talk to them
About things I
enjoyed
Eventually
I stopped
I tried my best to become
Them
My brain
No longer immaculate
Grew
Dim
Messy
All to make them
Like me
I grew shy
Bowed my head when
I spoke
I no longer aproached
Grown ups
Yet still
I was now too
Shy
Reserved
And with ought confidence
For them
why?
What had I
Done
I destroyed
Myself for them
And I
Got nothing
In return

My stomach
Butterflies
My face
Aflame
I can't help it
I don't want to
Blue grey eyes
Pierce
Red lips
Form
Slow, gentle smile
why
I don't want to
Love
Like
Or crush
I am scared
I want to run
But I *don't

Used
Betrayed
Lied
People just don't know
The effect
Twisted
Ugly
Useless
Words
Uttered from first to last
Breath
Listen
Say
Not talk

The walls
The walls they close
Noise
Useless, chaotic, rhythms
Bodies
Everywhere
Closely packed
Roaming
Moving
Twisting
Noise
My heart
Faster and faster
Running and running
Cold and clammy
Wanting to run
To get out