I like sitting here.
I like wondering off,
Into the abyss.
I like documentaries.
Looking into other peoples' lives.
Seeing their problems,
Their scars.
It makes me forget of my own.

I dont know how
to deal with the good.
Ive been going through the bad
Day in,
Day out.
I got used to crying.
So to my surprise,
I got what I wanted.
I felt undeserving.

Was I dreaming?
I might as well been.
I ignored all other aspects of my life.
Because being loved,
Is the best feeling in the world.
It feels weird even typing it.
I feel that if i say it,
That it will be taken away,
Just as quickly.
I wanna return the love,
Because I have it.
I just am guarded too.
I don't want him to figure me out.
If he does,
When he does
...

He'll be gone.

Im not sure why he's here.
Does he like me?
All of me?
Ive let myself slip through the cracks,
And not I've made my way,
Back to the bottom.
Looking at myself in the mirror,
Wiping away the tear.
Im flooded with disappointment.
Im happy with myself.
But others aren't.
They will make false assumptions.
But I could just say
"You don't need them,
Who cares"
But...
I need him.

Ive wrote all these poems.
All about him.
But now,
Im scared.
What will
He think?
But you know what,
Here's what i think,
"Im too fat,
And your too skinny.
We're not too smart,
But we look so pretty,
Sittin' by the fire,
Talkin' the night away."

Do you know,
Every time i go on facebook,
Im looking for traces of you?
Every time i go on instagram,
Im looking for a picture,
that shows your life.
Im looking ,
Searching for evidence.
I know i will see you tomorrow,
But tomorrow can never come slower.
Its like getting homesick,
An emptiness,
A void i need to fill.
And i feel that sometimes
i don't know what i should do.
Should i look for you to fill me,
Or stitch myself up?
Because its never certain,
I feel like im always guessing.
Did i say the right thing?
Did i look okay?
Did i scare him off yet?
Because so many have already left,
But they weren't even mine.
So instead of embarrassing myself,
Humiliated,
By the unreturned feelings,
I will remain in the corner.
I will stay in the safety of silence.
Not the sound of silence,
Because i talk a lot,
But the feeling.
Words with no meaning behind them.
A present,
wrapped in pretty pink paper,
And when you open it,
It's empty.
Even though you may try to pull me out,
You may try to give me that gift,
I may never try to open it.
Not because i didn't want to.
Its because i didn't know it was there.
And i see the other girls.
They swoon to you.
Its like when you feed pidgins in a park,
And your holding the seed.
I don't know why your still here.
I don't know why,
you chose the one pidgin,
Who cant fly.
So thats why i hide.
Thats why i stare at screens,
Instead of into your eyes.
Im scared.
Im scared you will find some flaw,
Find one of my many imperfections.
Yet you treat me,
With the sweetest of words.
And don't know how to react.
And those words fill me.
Yet the satisfaction leaves.
It runs scared,
just like i imagine you will,
Because of my reaction.
My stupid blurted out response.
It doesn't compare.
You are a much kinder,
Gentler,
Beautiful,
Creature.
Inside and out.
I paint on my beauty.
My response,
doesn't reflect my affection towards you,
I want to show it.
Desperately.
But i have put up this armor for so long,
Its hard for me to break it down.
But i want to.
Desperately.
And one day,
I hope i will.

They always show these girls,
Skinny girls,
With the pizza,
The ice cream,
The junk foods.
Advertising.
And i think I can be one of them.
I think i can eat whatever i want.
And be okay.
...
No.
Its not okay.
Food is an addiction,
I don't care what anyone says,
Its an addiction.
Its whats eating me alive,
Even thought its he other way around.
Food can be your best friend,
It comforts you when your sad,
Its almost an activity.
Not thinking about what you need,
But what you want.
You become greedy.
Then you look in the mirror,
At the mess you've made.
You get on the scale and think-
"What have I done?"
And you can't blame anyone but yourself.
You can hide from it.
Crash all the mirrors and eat because its now what you do best.
Its all you want.
Sweet bits of happiness.
You forget for awhile.
You have an escape from life,
An escape from the stress.
But one day that mirror will find you.
And you will realize what you need to do.
Stop.
I don't want to be too far gone.
Too far to turn around.
But what is too far?
Am i already too far?
I might be clawing at my skin,
Crying in my bed,
Screaming
because i have to use food as energy,
Instead of entertainment.
It hurts,
Constantly fighting in my head.
But I have to
I can't look anymore.
I am not me.
I am suffocating.

If you only knew,

I'd stare in the mirror
Then stare a bit harder
"I look fine, don't worry"
those words were my armor.
Because when im alone,
Its just me.
No one around
To call me ugly.
But kids are cruel,
I thought to myself
And in my situation
I was left on the shelf.
Hate shows acknowledgment,
and i was not hated.
They were okay to my face,
But i was being tolerated.
Being shown pity
made me confused.
What did they see?
Was it my hair or my shoes?
I looked in the mirror,
Again i looked "fine"
But then another thought
Crossed through my mind.
"Maybe they see,
Something else?
Maybe I'm not supposed,
To like my self?"
This started it all,
Now I saw me.
With the mirror upside down,
Came the negativity.
I would look at myself,
With confusion and disgust.
I would curse at the world
That I would no longer trust.
I would sit on the floor.
Until I'm blue in the face
From fighting my demons
That I could not erase.
Gelatinous bulges,
Consumed my body,
Restricting my looks,m
my hidden personality.
I felt embarrassed,
I felt felt upset.
I would start to scream,
I was filled with regret.
Id pray every night
For a little change,
And that my future would not
Forever stay the same.
And those prayers were answered,
But it took years to recover,
So much pain and hurt,
That no one would uncover.

So i was broken,
And now released from the cult,
I can express myself,
And take some control.
Those years are gone,
But i still hurt.
I have to look back in time,
So see I'm no longer "her".
So when they are confused,
Why im a little defensive,
I will direct them to this poem,
To see my perspective.
But these is just words,
Strung in a pattern,
The hell that Iwent through,
Doesn't really matter.
Because the words are past tense,
And others are suffering,
And its not those who post it,
On social networking.
Its the quiet girl,
You won't expect
Because she wants to look normal,
Not perfect.

She bothers me,
I don't know why.
But I know i'm the reason,
For the tears she will cry.
But that's not it.
Its the possibility,
That I could of been her,
So easily.

- And....

I don't know why
he feels this way.
Im sorry for you,
What else can I say!
Im sorry his love,
Is invested in me?
Im sorry that this time,
Its working out for me?
So i'll love him with pride,
But also with shame.
With all the brokenhearted ,
Im the one they blame.
So when your with him,
I won't be present
Not because you are "winning",
Because i feel your resentment.
So look at the picture,
See it my way.
He likes me still,
And you see him everyday.
So don't be angry,
Step back in line.
It will work out for you,
But this is my time.

Green face paint.
Little conversations.
Budding love
with no complications.
A warm blanket
laid over me.
My cheeks are flushed
I feel oddly giddy.

Look-
then look away.

For we cannot see
when I look at you,
when you look at me.
That was the beginning,
let us know no end
because life is a story
and you are holding the pen.

Your rode map is tattered.
Not a penny to your name.
But just a year ago,
You were on top,
had the riches and the fame.
I bet you never thought,
Your greasest enemy,
The one you rivaled with,
Would turn out to be me.
You loved to manipulate,
Bend and splatter.
I didnt know my pureness,
Would make you shatter.
"Till the end" you say,
As we embrace in a hug.
I never thought the end was coming,
Until you swatted me like a bug.
Now you want a come back.
And you need different allies.
So you push away me.
But I believed all of your lies.
"Best friend."
Best friends.
"Oh c'mon you don't have to pretend!"
...
I wasn't.
I cared.
I loved you.
I was there!
And now you want to exlude me,
From your new "important" people.
You grew tired of the old you,
ditched the church and the steeple.
So now your headed,
In a different direction.
Keeping me out of the picture,
And giving them your infection.

Well that's great.

But im hurt.

Im hurt that you have this mindset,
Im hurt that i feel loss.
Im hurt that i let you in
And now i pay the cost.
But i let others in too,
And friend groups will change.
But just remember this,
The true friends will remain.