To live in this world.
The bravest thing you’ll ever do.
This world is divided, hard, unfair as can be and killing.
Cold and uncomfortable!
Let’s hope that the world beyond this one is better.
Nothing, not being a thing turning into something.
Horror vacui!
And everything will change once more.
Nothing will stay nothing.
Beyond a brain.
Spiritual realm.

Everybody that I see during the day has been through a night.
How light or how dark is your day and how was the night, are you alright?

The sun burns on my face and I keep going.
Up and down, so far up and so very deep deep deep down low.
But both feel equaly wrong!

I can’t give up on giving up.
I can’t give up fully either.
Forcing my body into every different direction to see how it feels.

How it works, how it doesn’t work.
How it never ever works over (here and  over) there.
But hay, I’m still here!

And how’s your day?
How did you go through the night?
Do you quite like it around here?

Or are you sick and tired or literally ill?
And then still trying hard to hang on.
How far are you willing to go, how long?

Another spring is in the air.
It came so unexpected for me.
Don’t know if I’m ready, don’t feel like it.

But it’s coming anyway.
Everybody, it’s coming after the winter.
Like the day after the night.

The people that I see during the day have all been through another night.
Or maybe some are still in it?
The day will come again anyway some day.

I am Lisbeth Salander when I have to be.
But sometimes I just want to.
Especially with you.

You are much older than me.
It’s what I’m into, I always have been.
It’s who I am.

And sometimes I’m Lisbeth Salander.
Because sometimes I have to.
And sometimes I want to so it’s also who I am.

And it’s not wrong, fighting through life.
Picking the right and slightly bad old men.
Life itself has more pain and danger than the situations I chose to be in.

But some men hurt me because I actually care.
And they act like they do but they drop me, leave me, act like they never knew me.

Probably because I got to know them too well.
In a way they never wanted me to.
A part of them that they couldn’t hide.

And I still loved them but they couldn’t love a person that knows a version of them that they hate.

If you asked me everything on our first date I would never want to answer.
Too much info kills the passion....

But it’s the person you and I show each other that matters.
The person you are to me from the moment we meet till it’s over.
That’s who I got to know.

Ice around my spine.
I dug my grave on this earth.
I keep waking up from the sounds.
What would it be like, resting in peace?
Like a long sleep?
If I can dream I will come in.

Into the long resting in peace before the journey back.
Back home after the battles for peace.
With ice around my spine I lie there now.
Waiting in the grave.

My grave I dug right on this earth because I’m not ok with being not ok.
Not ok all of my life and now I’m so uncomfortable and tired.
Just lying there with ice around my spine.
Having to wait.

Icy grave, ice grave.
I cannot escape.
I’m swimming but I’m not ok.
I’m not resting.
Tired of swimming in my icy grave.
Ice grave.

If you looked into my eyes and knew how bright they used to be, you knew I died.
As I write my words are dying now with me.
My body doesn't like it when I try to get ready.
Just sitting isn't ok either.

I just eat, fly and sing or sleep if I can.
Cause only then life doesn't feel so bad.
Like being on fire, heavy or drowning.
My body is a bag of potatoes on fire.
I'm so dead, I'm not moving.

Let me just stare in the distance.
And if you looked into my eyes, you'd know I died.
I'm buried inside.
Strangled and tight.
Gone but stuck.

Away from life.
Away from light.
Colours fly around me in my dark room.
I fall to the ground.
I lie there just still.

I don’t want to go on.
I’m broken.
There’s nothing left to suffer for.
I used to suffer through saying: I don’t want to go (on).
I hear the voices from the other side of the finish line.
Singing about how the goal is almost reached.                                                         ­       
Why staying in disappointments?
You can get closer to the voices and leave the brokeness behind.
Leave the broken mind.
Leave the mind that can’t give you what your heart deserves.
Leave it all behind, nobody’ll ever save you or they only make it worse.
I want to cry all day, I’m stuck.
Only lying like a vegetable.
Cause now I’m really stuck after trying to be able for too long.
Too many forces working against it so I’m lying here waiting.
Maybe at some point I’ll find a way towards a moment in the day where I can be.
And get it together even though I’m breaking and aching feeling heavy.
Heavy.
Pain.
Bursting.
Brain.
And body.
Nobody can save me.
They make it worse sometimes when I try to make it work.
Because I wanted to make it work, so nice to be together playing and listening.
Nothing ever works though and I’m broken.
I don’t want to go on, no reason left for suffering.
Burning.
Pain.
Heavy.
I hear the voices at the goal singing.
But please be there when I’ll be running cause I’ll have to run to it alone.

I have died so many times.
I saw the light, I know it.
But I can't deny the dark.
Dying and darkness is needed to burst and make the light come through.
So I know the dark and I know the light but I haven't died enough times.
Not enough to be free.
Can a person ever know all the light and all the dark and still be white like the light?
In all this darkness I know I learned to love it.
And I think there's nothing wrong with it as long as it is right.
Like a darkness full of stars that means no harm.
Like a peaceful room to rest in and close your eyes.
I have died so many times.
So I know how to die but I don't like to die in the light.

I’ll tell myself over and over: it will come, that moment of peace.
Sometimes lying to myself makes my lie come true.
Cause I’ll have peace in the lie.

But this life is hard.
My body is not a peaceful place, this world mostly isn’t either.
But I have so much luck with the people that are here with me.

So sometimes I lie to myself to find peace.
Because I want it to work.
With them and for them for as long as I can.

I’m a brave person.
I don’t have to reside with this fate of helplessness.
I will run towards the setting sun.
And dance till the night arrives where I lay down.
And I’m not afraid, I want to be hard.

Because I get bored of eating poisoned apples on my own.
And the peanut butter that I scoop them in makes my skin bad.
The cinnamon is nice though.
I throw it around.

Feeling comfortable in the torture.
Break everything that is keeping me on this ground.
I hold my own blood in my hands up to the sky.
One day I will see a burning sunset.

I will not follow it but stand in the centre waiting.
I am ready.
Burn me till I’m free.
I'm brave.

Every sound hurts
Everything reminds me of you
Sometimes I convince myself I’m over you now.
But you always come back.

I still got my list of things to pack for when I see you.
But I got enough freedom and friends and things that I can do Instead.
It all just doesn’t feel right, I’m getting tired and despise it.
I’m so over starting over.

This world has gone madder and madder and it makes me want to distance myself.
But when I do and I’m with you I feel like I can do everything and anything I want to!
Are you coming back?
Or am I doing this alone once more?

It’s ok for a little moment.
But don’t stay away from me when I have to live.
I need you!
Although I’m free in the moment and I convinced myself I’m over you.

I’m so over starting over.
I’m so over being all alone all over.
Even though there’s enough people and things to do.
They’re never really fitting even though I feel so free.

Just being alone and free to do anything.
Are you coming with me?
Sometime soon?
Please do.

I'm tired in my eyes.
I'm tired in my head.
I'm tired in my arms.
I'm tired in my legs.

Not yet able to lie down.
Not comfy when I do.
Waking up constantly.
No reason to be alive.

I'm tired, heavy.
I close my eyes.
Sit there.
Feel better.

For a while I'm ok.
I still love you.
I perform a song as I walk on the street.
I'm in this song with the nature.

Everything around me joins in.
For a moment.
Please join me too.
I'm so lonely.

I walk to the half dead place.
I'm walking through the half dead place.
Demp, full of flies and too small bridges over ditches.
No handrails at some points.

I don't feel steady.
I make it out barely.
I want to get out of everywhere in this world.
Nothing makes me feel good.
Only escaping.
Let me escape for good.

Please, Odin.
There's no love and no life in my place.
In my body.
Wandering, dragging.

There's no life in my eyes.
There's no life in my head.
There's no life in my arms.
There's no life in my legs.

There's no love in my place.
There's no love in my arms.
There's no love on my skin.
There's no love getting in.

I'm tired from crying.
I can't stop.
Head in hands.
Trying to stand or feeling the ground.

I don't feel steady.
I make it out barely.
I want to get out of everywhere in this world.
Nothing makes me feel good.
Only escaping.
Let me escape for good.

Watching a dark movie slowly.
In parts.
I don't need a ''feel good'' one ever.
I don't.

I try to feel good.
With you.
Dancing.
Singing, screaming, walking.....

Holding you tight.
As tight as my body feels on me.
Head in hands.
Trying to stand or feeling the ground.

Trying to block out the pain, the noise, the restlessness.
With love.

Love, compassion and trust.
I have been resentful towards all the struggles.
But what does that bring to anyone or myself?
Although it’s very hard to let go of this feeling.

When I try to live but it’s been so rough and it still feels like that.
And I get distracted all the time from what I really want.
To do, to be, to send out.
I wish it was all over when it keeps not working.

And also because I know all about what it’s been like in the past.
What it felt like.
How I’ve been dead for years.

Because of true suffering and not sleeping.
Not getting myself together.
Not having the right environment.
No peace.

Always fighting.
With a bed.
With noise.
Discomfort.
Pain.
Thoughts.

That brain, it’s torture.
That brain that I tried to **** while feeling dead.

And I close my eyes and say: shhh.
Let me be free.
Or I sing or drink.
I sink into darkness.
Darkness that’s peaceful.

While still fighting.
Knowing about the fight.
It never leaves me fully.
Only when this brain dies.
And I will bring this knowledge to a place where it’s save.
Where I’m save.

Where I’m not dead.
But in love.
In love and free.

I'm in love with a person who has severe social anxiety.
He does not come out of his cave unless he's got something amazing to show me.
And I am always on the run from where I live and all the noises, all the discomfort.
I'm not afraid to die, I hate my life.
I wish to be somebody, somebody that can reach you or just anybody.
But not me or my sister because she's fighting just as hard or even harder than me.
Just to live, and if I have to live I need to be with somebody that is worth surviving for.
Oh, come on, every day and night is still just getting out of hand and just not really worth it anymore.

But what can I do?
What can you do?
How can I love you?
What can I do for you?
What can we do.
How, what but....

Help, I just exploded and so I woke you when you were half asleep.
You said you didn't mind and so now we had another time to find how we relate.
We relate, relate too much.
I wish it was just me dying and miserably lonely.
But the monster had to bite you now too and it even figures that it has some real and pretty very serious kind of catching up to do.
On you, my sister and so now you're fighting just as hard or even harder than me.
Just to live, and if you have to live you need to be with somebody that is worth surviving for.
Oh, come on, every day and night is still just getting out of hand and you wonder if it really is even worth it anymore.

But now what can you do?
What can I even do?
You know I love you.
What can it do for you?
What can we do?
How, what, but...

I love you.

I'm in love but I can never love you like I wish to.
I love you but I can never be there for you.
But, what, how...

I really really really really loooove, love, love, love, will always love, will always be connected to....
Will always be in love and will always really love, love, love, yes I really always looooove you!!!

I can look at death.
I take its hand.
Help me to feel alive.
Cause I know you're there.
Now I can just fight.
I got nothing to lose and a lot of love to give.
Help me give it.
I'll take you by the hand.
Walk on your highway before I pass.
I love to know you're there to recue me.
When I can't go on.

You said you'd be my Godfather.
But I'll be your personal little guiding mother.
I know you've never met somebody like me before ever.
And I'm only here to love you, open you up and get you ready.
Meanwhile I'd love the process, the moments.
And I'm free.
Tortured but free.
Loving harder than the pain.
Taking your pain away through touching you.
Showing you a different way through guiding you.

Having an impact on that part of the universe.
Just like you touch and impact my spirit so much around here and beyond.
It goes deeper than this place.
So don't just reach for the old teaching and the rules inside here.
Let me show you the way beyond Jesus and all these great preachers and teachers.
They're alright but it's all still within the rules of this place.
So let me show you these different places now, it'll get crazy but you won't because you're ready.
I'll show you where we both can go to, let go.
Be wild, crazy and free, ancient pagan natural.
Spiritual, divine, part of everything, inside our own world and creations.

All these different options I see.
They are just there everywhere all the time.
Time is relative.
Be creative with it.
Intensely loving the moment.
Intensely loving inside it.
Inside you, I'll guide you.
Just watch me.
You can do it too, do it with me.
Do it with me.

Always doing that job that I want to do even more after my work around here is done.
Let me, I'll trust the process.
But I'll still be rebellious me, always.
Meanwhile I love you, so special what you do to me.
But my brother doesn't like it.
My spirit brother's disappointed.
It hurts a lot to see that I have to let him down sometimes, not go with him everytime.
But I can only live from moment to moment.
I love him but it's been in me all the time to fight hard for these greater outcomes.

Intense missions.
Intense intensions.
Great moments.
Great gates opened wide perspectives.
Intense kisses.
Opening up spirit.
Toughing, feeling it.
Finally pushing through because I need to.
Because I can, it's my job, my mission.
Be the show that shows you everything I got to show.
Different directions.
Different dimensions.
Intense moments....

Godfather, let me entertain you.
Like money will never do.
Let me kiss you and push through all of your boundaries, your build up worries
You told me stories of the beast inside you.
Hold me like you'd hold these women that still see you as a beast.
Heal me, heal you, heal them hopefully too eventually.
Through my pain, I'll heal your pain, through your pain I'll open you, I'll love you.
I'll have a new mission to enjoy the outcome of.
As long as I'm still around.
Unable to really live, love, be alive.
Let me guide.

I can see in the dark.
And it hurts my head.
I close my eyes but still see the light.
I don’t want to see it, I’m aching, so exhausted.
Everyday there’s something wrong and every night there’s something keeping me up.
The dreams are not vivid.
The people in it are invisible.

It gets old to be here.
Everything gets old.
Feels old.
Not in a good old way but lame, unexciting, uninteresting.
I’ve heard it all before, I’ve seen enough.
I want to be new, feel new, everything.
Sparkling, alive.

I see in the dark, distracting.
It hurts.
I need that light off if there’s nothing good.
To see.
To feel.
To be.
Where the dreams are not vivid.
Not feeling much, only unpleasant.

Being understanding kind and nice does not always pay.
Telling yourself over and and over: They must be having a hard day.
Life is unkind and people don't mind.

Usually most people really don't mind unless it's about what they can do.
Life is so unkind and people most of the time are too.
And it makes no sense what they say to me about how they care when a duck dies.
But when a young person becomes homeless nobody cries.
Yet they tell me they think every life is so precious but some people are always fighting.
Trying to do the right thing.

But it doesn't pay.
It's just another hard and terrible day.
Where you have no control and love is impossible to find.
Life is unkind and people don't really mind.
When you've seen it you will find and you can feel it when you see it.
When you've known it and how it can hit.

So then maybe you can understand.
But then it kills you when you give someone a hand.
Because you know in the end you'll have to let go.
You can't, you can't save everybody.
Some people are born to always feel lonely.

Being understanding kind and nice does not always pay.
Telling yourself over and and over: They must be having a hard day.
Life is unkind and people don't mind.

Trying to be understanding and kind.
But nobody seems to understand it is what you'll find.
Loving, understanding, caring, always daring to fight so hard.
For the people you care for, don't fall apart and together try some more.

Holy sea of waves that we're running into.
Holy sea, uncontrollable, terribly hard, incredibly magical, fresh, pretty salty and blue!
It doesn't always pay.
But play.
Play in the water, hold each other.
In the water.
Play in the waves...

It feels so good to love you.
I know it's wrong to.
To even tell you cause you'll lose me.
Life's never been easy.
Not to you or me so let's pick a day to lie down and cuddle.
Let's be in love again and just stay in that bubble.
For one day.
One more day, ok?

I just ate a quarter of a whole apple pie on my own.
I feel so alone, I feel so alone, I feel so alone.
I'm longing for you and you only.
But if I loved you too much I'd just be leaving you lonely.
Even though you've always managed to pull yourself through life.
Losing your best friends, your father, your wife.
She's still your number one, that's fine.
Cause for now I can love you and for a moment you're mine.

Please be with me and hug me even if it's just for one more day again.
I love you, I love you, you are my favourite man.
I hate life, I have to get out, I can't do anything.
But the only thing that feels right is just being with you and loving.
And you will hate me for the pain I'm causing, you can't seem to be able to ever get a break.
I think by now life is just trying to see how much you can take.

Taking on me.
Till I'm gone fully.
Eat me like the quarter of a whole apple pie.
With whipped cream and everything till the day that I die.
Just for a day, for one more night and morning.
Cause I'll still always be longing.
As long as my body is still breathing I want yours against it.
Even if it's just an evening till the reality must hit.

It feels so good to love you.
I know it's wrong too.
To even tell you cause you'll lose me.
And life's just never been easy.
Not to you or me so let's pick a day to lie down and cuddle.
Be in love again like you said it: we're at our best in that bubble.
Even if it's just for one day.
One more day, ok?

Tomorrow a new part of my life starts.
And I don't know when it will end.
I'm just gonna do what I have to do.
And everything else can *******.

I keep adjusting things.
Some moments I feel like I'm really living.
Improving things and learning also feels necessary.
But it keeps going on and on.

There will never be a moment where everything is finished.
Only one thing is certain, everybody dies.
I keep on finishing things.
As long as I have to live this life.

Only when I'm possitive it's time to leave for real I can let go completely.
Then the music will play and it will take a while but I can get through this state.
A state of letting go and going through the layers.
Above this world, above all different places where one can believe to go or be.

Or the curve of going back to earth.
I'll break that forever for me as well.
Although a friend once told me: everything can be reborn.
I wouldn't want to, not in here.

I will not sign a contract, I will not believe a story if it doesn't feel completely right.
Freedom is the key and so is me, I am the key to my own freedom.
I get to decide.
And the time you and I have spent will never be in vain.

We'll meet again as well.
If we both want to we will.
Like we are together now because we want to.
Like I want to finish things and you want to prove that you can do anything.

But let me tell you a secret: You CAN do anything!
You already have and you will.
Always living in or outside the norm.
Maybe you are too good at living.

I am not good at living but I'm too good at surviving.
Always feeling like hell.
Trying to adjust.
And in the meantime I'm finishing things.

And inbetween all these things there is love between us.
Everlasting like we say.
Because it's true.
We will meet again and again and again...... Always

As my life is falling into pieces I learn it's not about how much it shatters.
What the remaining parts look like is what actually matters.
You have no control, you just have to deal with everything as it comes.

You have to trust in yourself in any situation as it welcomes.
Although your mind's in a Matrix that's playing these games.
The programs, they hurt so much as you're walking again through the flames.

Those heroes around you lift you up.
The spirits among you put their arms around you.
You cannot stop.
Not now that the chapter is all new.

The pieces float around me.
I cannot sleep and the world is creepy.
I just surrender and find my world in this world like my friends all do.
Now we're here, look how far you've come, the chapter is all new!

As my life falls down I can just look down and see these pieces flaking.
I'm swimming towards the end altough my body's aching.
It's not very far, just very painful.
I've never felt this dreadful.
But it's not me, it's the pieces falling.
It's not me or my friends but the flakes that are drowning.

I will love you in the moment.
And I will love you forever cause it'll never end!

It was 05:55 am.
I called my mom.

I didn't know what Sharvi meant.
Until I Googled it.

5 is its lucky number.
And it has something to do with Aquarius, my zodiac.

It's time though I can't.
But I can't go on.

Latest nickname.
Latest poem.

My mom's name is Ingrid.
She's a spirit just like us.

But in her it shows now cause she knows everything there is to know.
About life and death.

Sorry, this is one of my worst poems but I'm not in a good headspace cause I'm going away.
I hope to find a place like my dreams.

My dreams where I could never stay, was always ripped away from.
But my mom was there this time.

Because of her I can do everything.
Because of my sister I could live.

Because of my dad I could do any challenging thing.
Because of my grandma I could get through the failed suicides.

So they are amazing.
Not just for that but for that they are my heroes.

Please never forget them.
Their deeds.

They need to be acknowledged.
For me.

It was 1988.
I wasn't even born and he was already grey.
When I watch him now I'm falling in love.

His voice, his eyes, the way he seems to use his sexuality to calmly sing with charm.
His wisdom that I wonder sometimes if he himself even knew exactly what it meant.
He mentioned that a lot of times: he'd go there more often if he knew where the good songs came from.
He gives me answers to my questions or calms me while I'm anxious from the hell I was placed in.
4 years after 1988.
I would have fallen in love and hugged him if he hadn't died before I was able to appreciate his holy words.
His deep yet soft sounding voice, the melodies, the beat in my ears as I'm walking down the street.
Or when I run to the trees.
And the man I love who looks a bit like you Leonard Cohen, he can also relate to you but not always very well to how I feel.

It was 1988.
I wasn't even born and you were already grey.
When I watch you now I'm falling in love.

So at least I have your voice to run into.
Maybe some time I'll hear it clearly next to me.
But I won't follow any voice that sounds like you, I'd just listen to what I feel.
I know that now.
You helped me through.

It was 1988.
I wasn't even born and he was already grey.
When I watch him now I'm falling in love.

Leonard Cohen with your twinkling eyes, knowing about the chains, the pain the intense aching and the lies.
Years already, long before these times.
If you can die then so can I.
If you can die then I'm sure so can I.

It was 1988.
I wasn't even born and he was already grey.
When I watch him now I'm falling in love.

Years go by, they seem so long and feel so wrong.
Nothing's ever working like you've stated yourself as well.
Many years of aching always living with this burden and the constant battles coming.
Coming and coming.
Hell till the world seems darker.
And then there's your voice and your words to express some parts of what is playing out around me here.
Inside me now, deep and real.
Pain of trying to **** off these things that are happening that are torturing.

It was 1988.
I wasn't even born and he was already grey.
When I watch him now I'm falling in love.

Leonard Cohen, do you listen to me too?
Or have you moved on now?
How would I know where to find you, there could be anything doing a good job at pretending to give me answers.
So I hope you found your way.
Your true place.
Your true way.

While I'm still taking you with me right here on mine.
I'm still taking you with me along the way.
As I'm locked up in the night and in my walking through the day.
My cold body and lonely feeling soul with the wrong energy from nothing ever helping me to exist in my own way.
But anyway, nevermind, thanks a lot and see you around.
Feel you around, Leonard Cohen, you've been great, you've done a lot, done your part.
Hope to find you somewhere at some place but I'm still taking you with me as I'm going, always.

Watching you now and it was 1988.
I wasn't even born and you were already grey.
When I watch you now I'm falling in love.

I want to live in the past.
The present and the future.
Change my hair, shed my skin.
Be all alone in the forest able to see anyone.
Any time, any place, any movement I make is chosen, actually chosen.
Not with the illusion of choice.
When your path is set out fitting.
I want to be creating new things everyday.
And live anywhere with you and alone.
Do what I want when I want to.
Be anything I want to be.
All alone in the forest or at the big lake with the waterfalls.
And see you whenever I choose to.
Sleep comfortably in a large bed in the sky, sing every lullaby.
Or a different song all the time.
Embraces always there.
To find.
I want to live.

I take off my pants whenever I can
The ***** helps me remember to dream.
Am I alive or am I dead?

Changing nicknames to somewhat rebirth me.
Never really but it makes it bearable.
To just be dying and fighting for release.

And I don’t think that being alive is like feeling alive.
I would feel more alive if I knew the door was open to the other side.
Open wide to leave when I need to.

But it’s not that simple.
It won’t remain open.
And when it shuts it shuts for a long time again.

Eve is taking me back to the essence now.
C6ss6ndr6 is reminding me that this is all a dream.
And the ***** helps me.

I take off the layers but they swirl around inside.
Like ashes of confetti.
As I am dancing….
They are still a part of me, these ashes have created me.

Most night I keep on seeing the jellyfish above.
Floating in the sea.
A man’s hand pulls me up saying: Moving back to the shore is never easy.

Jellyfish lying on the shore.
Are they alive or are they dead?
You tell me.

I jump off the boat that we’re on together.
I sink deep down into the ocean.
With my eyes closed.
I know I’ll find my way back to you.

For now it’s just too much for the both of us.
My body’s feeling so heavy on me and so I release myself.
Don’t look down.

Look all around.
My love for you is in the air.
One day I’ll come floating back to you to hug you, kiss you.

Don’t say goodbye.
We’ve tried to before.

You know it’s never gonna be that way.
We’re ascendants from the same group of Vikings.
I feel like now I'm Odin’s partner.

And you like me have always been a warrior.
Keep on sailing.
I’ll be there.
Always swimming, never drowning, always flying, even when it’s raining.
Even when I seem so weak, you know I’ll find a way.
And a way back to you again.

You, sailing in the highest waves.
Fighting the most ****** battles.
I can see the sweat dripping off your face.
The blood of the cuts on your skin.
Please wait for me to hold you.

I see you wherever I am.
Wait for me to finish my journey and let me float right back to you.
Find you in the waves like I’ve been watching you every day.

And now it’s time to embrace and ride the waves together.
Until I jump off the boat again.
And when you’ll then find land, I’ll find you again.

Embrace you again.
Untill I run and jump into the water.
Over and over.
You know you could never save me, don’t look down there to find me.

Look in everything, the nature and the breeze.
Even when it rains.
And don’t ever say goodbye.
Say goodnight.

We both prefer the dark.
Let’s rest for a while before you get the ropes and tie the knots.

Heavy hearts, heavy weights, the water’s calling.
In the morning.
One day you’ll go out sailing once again.

🔥🖤🌊⚡️🌊⚡️🌊⚔️⛓🌊⚡️🌊⚡️🌊🖤🔥

Three times I called you already.
On the same day you left.
Such a mess fell over me right away.
Realising I really cannot live without you.
Or with you for too long.

Leaves me feeling depressed.
Another bubble bursts that none of us can get back.
I see another big car parked right in front of my window.
I miss the silly nights of nonsense just sitting together.
Nothing seems to bother us ever even when it’s still rough and heavy.

We make light of everything.
Even when we’re depressed or stressed.
But then it gets overwhelming.
No good sleeping, too much energy ******.
No time for just being alone again.

So we seperate, survival mode.
Taking a break from the better place in life.
I’m at an apartment/hotel with a noisy heating system.
Nothing’s alright in here but we’ve got our seperate space.

Constantly moving to the lesser evil place.
We both need space to breathe.
For me I always need some extra space, it always goes too far......
Everywhere.
Now it’s depressing and exhausting.
And it will not ever change, Asperger’s, ocd, hypersensitivity, complexity.

And you with your own problems.
You manage them so well but there are many.
A stroke and no stable living.
But you’re always strong and never giving in to anything!
Wish I could be more like you......
But it get’s too much being just a human being.....

You’ll get just enough in life to not completely break.
Down to the point where you can’t stand at all.
Pretty close though, pretty close.
Nothing works, nothing feel right, nothing’s fine.
That’s life.

As I’m sitting here stuck again.
Every try is thrown back down by another noise.
A feeling stays.
Discomfort.
Too much.
Why do I try?
It’s takes so long to get anywhere.
It takes so much.
And then later hopefully there’s peace.
An evening with music and beer.
But before there’s a war.
And I never really win, I just get through it.

When life is overwhelming and you don't know where anything and anyone is going to.....
The people that have your back are everything.
The places that calm you down are calling your name.
Everything else will happen as it will.
Keep loving, just do what you need to do.
And be you, completely you.
Walk your own way.

When I open my eyes I see a world I don’t like.        
I want red eyes.
And purple short hair.
Swirls on my cheeks and round glasses.
Too many options.
Always keeping me alive.
But the world inside is the world where I hide.    
The world where the music is creating a whole new space.
And I can be the creature that I want to be.

Mixed feelings, always mixed heavy feelings.
There’s no straight line, just tight knots.
Where’s the end?
Where’s does this start?

I can’t let go, I can’t keep going.
Can’t just burn these ropes, cannot lose it all.
Wrapped up in discomfort.

So tightly but I can still dance when I’m with you.
But I need to use the tight knots to remind myself: I’m never free until I leave.

But when I leave there’s no life left to hold on to.
That’s no way to be.
That’s just a dead body hanging by a thread.

I keep on hurting you and I’d rather want to die.
But dying is not an option.
Should I leave?
It will break me again.
But staying might break both of us too.
But leaving means dying for me.

Changing clothes 3 times a day before it’s comfy.
Comfy if I’m lucky.
After exercising and stretching for my back and body shape.
And calming down for half an hour.

My routine.
If I don’t cry it went ok.
If I don’t do it I feel sick and stay in my bathrobe.…

I shake, I’m cold and so uncomfortable.
After I’ve gone through this I should feel better.
But if I want to put on makeup and it’s not going well I get too frustrated and tired.
But I pick my skin, I can’t stop it.
Most of the time.

So I want to cover it and look the way I want to.
I know it could be worse, my face.
But I want to express myself with how I look.
It helps a lot to feel more comfortable in my own skin.
I leave it when I can because the days are never easy.

OCD, overwhelming, needing things to be in a certain way, anticipation etc.
My life has been so heavy.
I feel old, it’s ok, also a child, it’s ok, it’s all ok.
But I still want to die.
Most of the time.
It’s ok I guess…
I’m trying to be ok, to relax and be accepting of everything.

Even grateful for the things that are going well.
Of course.
And I am grateful but it usually doesn’t really bring me joy, just relief.

Just let me cry now.
I don’t like life, my head, my body, my bad feelings, the noises, the absolute discomfort.
Let me cry, cry, cry.
And then hopefully make it ok.

One more time again.
Again and again.
Before I die.

And then I’ll go and do my own way completely.
I promise.
No compromise, no listening to, not even trusting in anything.

Anything but my intuition, my feeling.
That feeling I am needing.
Needing so so bad.
So bad it makes me want to cry.
And die.

At some point in my journey I realised that undoing wouldn't be helpful.
That I should be grateful for all that I've learned, for how much we all have grown.
I am still very proud of all the people around me.
But I want to undo the picture they'll see when I leave.
And I wish I could leave.
Three gates I found and they didn't let me through.
I told the guards that the key was me.
It wasn't enough.
All the stars lined up for the perfect goodbye.
Except for the one thing that should have released me.
The key was ready but the lock didn't fit.
Now I know there's no other way but to rest for the next challenge to find the next gate.
I'm in these  tornadoes circling in and out not coming out.
But I won't come out of this world that I'm in without finding a better way out.
Cause this world that I'm in is not my home and it will never be though I tried to make it so.
People helped me to make it right.
Now we need peace.

Let's find some meaning.
Exhaustion made me shallow.
All I seek for is some true connection.
Is that what you are?
Or is all you've ever been just another ace.
To keep me fighting.
Another ace in front of my face.
No longer will I cover up this truth reaching for anything.
Let's find some meaning.

I know it was me, I became so tired while feeling like it would never be right.
I gave it all and lost my own true feeling.
Maybe it was all too much to bare so I stopped to care.

And now I only want to care, I want it to matter.
If I have to live and I have to surrender.
Let it at least have meaning.
Not be nothing!

Let's find some meaning.
A deeper connection.
Not some stupid useless other kind of conversation.
Is that what you are?
Is all you've ever been just another ace.
To keep me fighting.
Another ace in front of my face.
No! No longer will I cover up this truth reaching for anything.
Let's find some meaning.

I know it can feel so lonely if you've been fighting a battle no one has seen.
People talking like they have never been at any of all the places you have been.
They may not be your deep connection or your soulmate family.

I only want to care, I want it to matter.
If I have to live and I have to surrender.
Let it at least have meaning.
Not be nothing!

Let's find some meaning.
Let's find some healing.
Let me feel it even though I'm exhausted.
Is that how you are?
I have to be here so let my time not be wasted.
Let's not keep on hiding.
And not be aces in front of each other's faces.
No longer covering up this truth reaching for just anything.
Let's find some meaning.

Letting go is a form of courage.
And so is not giving in when getting tortured.
Iron grinding.
Piercing burning captured body.
Scream!

Life and death.
Words that we use.
A human life.
And dead body.
A plant, an animal, a creature.
Nature.
Human experience.
Experiencing dying, near death, loss, watching death/dying.
Saving life, killing.
It’s not so precious when you’re suffering constantly, don’t save me!
When I’m trying to survive I need the option to die.
But there’s no “right way to die”.
When it’s your time then you’ll leave.
Maybe that’s the only “right way”.
And maybe I won’t leave the way I would like.
I can only see it as an option which it is.
But I don’t think you should just act in crisis.
That’s not the time.
But it happens, just like other deaths that feel useless.
But it’s a journey that ends.

Life is a constant flood of change.
And I'm going down so deep.
I have never been afraid to get lost.
Cause I've been lost  ever since I got thrown out into this black sea.
There is no comfort and no warmth in the depths of my being.
I'm not at ease ever, just surviving, sometimes even diving into the sand of the bottom.
Just to try not to feel that I'm inside this deep dark mess full of distress with no way out.
No end in sight, just waiting for when the time is right.
But as long as there is time, time is never on my side cause I can't manage any of it.
And it will always be nighttime and never be the right time when I'm trying to escape the water.
Leaving everyone down under when I'm trying to cross over letting my body drift away.

Life is a constant flood of change.
All of our homes will be destroyed and our skin, flesh and bones broken and rotten.
Things can be forgotten eventually but also torture for a while or for a lifetime.
A lifetime that is long when it's not changing in the right ways but the dark ways.
Where the nights are never save and the days will not behave when you have to do something and always fight alone.
It's so dark and I just have to give in to that it's happening.
Trying to sing but actually it's scary even though I'm not really afraid.

Life is a constant flood of change.
It's just all scary when you're alone walking.
Who cares, not me but I'd just really like to see the end somewhere in all of this.
And that I can get my friends to safety when it's their time to move on with me.
Let's take a long awaited journey across the layers that are covering our true identity.
Our spiritual potential and let's claim it again for once and for all.
Let's get out of this place where we have no power over.
Shoot up high and aim for the stars beyond the layers of this prison that we shouldn't have to stay in.
I believe in me and us and so now we only need to trust it will be done.
I want to make this final change for me to get out of this flood of change.
Will you come with me?

I wish the days were like the mornings where I see you waking smiling.
When I come lying beside you.
After enough sleeping.
To be cuddling. A little longer..... Never long enough.
I miss the nights when we prepare dinner, play music, drinking Irish coffee.
A little dancing.
Clothes come off and on again.
My dark eye make up.
Smudged.
Love, always feeling loved.

Just enough energy to be happy.
But most days I wake up too early, sleep too late.
There’s no way of resting.
Noises and stress, an uncomfy mess.
Stiff and tired.
Cramped and trying.
Nothing’s working.

I want to be dreaming even though life’s but a dream.
More like a nightmare, a night terror.
Voilent, never silent, never peaceful, full of conflict.
But I can’t leave you there lying alone.
I cannot leave this dream now that you know what if feels like when I don’t let go.
I didn’t want to let you go.
And I couldn’t.

But I’m broken now.
Completely broken.
And I think the terrors are old news but they keep happening here still.
So I’m waiting and walking in a dream for you to come in and say: let’s make a morning today.
Let’s make a day like the morning of cuddling.      
The day should be a little dreamy and still we’re fighting through each battle that comes our way.

Sometimes I realise what’s going on.
And I see myself looking all crazy.
I know why and never cared.
Is crazy wrong?
Is wrong wrong?

Sometimes I realise what’s happening.
But I’m wondering why I’m still here too.
Sometimes I know, sometimes I really don’t.
And it’s hurting.
And it’s not stopping.

Sometimes I wonder why I had to live so many lives to realise what’s going on.
So many lives in one.
Still loving.
Finally found my perfect match as I was giving up on life again.

Wishing for so many things.
Yet not really caring if they happened or not anymore.
But the whishes have come true.
And still I’m suffering, not caring if I died tomorrow or next year.
But now you’re here and so I’m fighting for something.

Again, like I wished....✨⭐️💫🌟
Red Jaspis.
Blood dragon stone.
Ora lilith.
Swords and bows.
Vikings, mages, gunman, elves.
Living together.

Losing faith is fun.
It makes me want to dance with you.
And use rubber tubes as straws.
And just drink water.
Cause nothing feeds me actually.
The combination of you and Cocorosie is so good.
And everything else is so bad.
And we're smiling as we're hawling.
You made fun of everything when I told you everything went wrong.
Oh, I love you so much.
Even when you don't stop talking and my head explodes.
No wait, I hate you then.
Whatever….
Losing everything is fun.

Dear daughter,

Don’t you feel right now how every little thing is just enough or a little too much?
Wishing for something better, wanting something nice...  

Melancholic from the past.
You and him on the beach.
It’s in your system.  
But now you’re just walking away.
Back to where it all started but you haven’t just started.

You’ve seen and felt it all.
It’s time to finish the circle and be grateful for the past.
And the pain can still be there.
You are ready to face it.
It’s ok.
It’s just sliding off your tired body that feels heavy on your soul.

It’s ok cause you’re going back to where you belong.
Finally you’re ready.
Back where you belong.
It’s ok.
The journey’s over.

Just like a lost soul wandering but in a body.
That's been me now for so long.
But I'm getting ready.

Still developed a lot myself.
Had influence on others.
But wandering without a future, not yet ready to die.
Holding on like that for so long.
Untill I was ready.

Tried to leave but failed a couple of times.....
Now I finally received a way out that is sure to succeed.
Still the hardest thing to do.
Very lonely.
I just had to wait a little longer....

Then one night my mom told me: you've got to end this, make a plan now finally and make up your mind!
My fiery mom.
With old Norse wisdom inside of her naturally.

It had to be my time though.
An old friend apologized to me when he saw me again.
He needed that before I left.
But now it's time to get ready, not hang around in limbo.

My mom is right.
My mom, equal in my battles.

I had to realize I need to be a true Viking.
Find pride and courage in the sacrifice.
The hardest one.
Dying in battle.
My only escape.

Do I make you happy?
Do I make you sad?
And happy?
How do I make you happy?
I gave up on happiness but I want to have good moments.
With you as much as possible, I hope that makes you happy.
If only for a moment, hopefully a little longer.

How can I make you happy when I don’t feel happy about life?
I just want to love you and be loved.
As long as we can.
One moment I’m sure we’ll make it, the next I’m just a mess of thoughts and feelings.
Cause I have no good experience with this.
Not sure that I can make you happy.

I love you, I want your hugs.
Escape this life.
Like you show me what love is like beyond this world.

Like it should be.
You let me feel it.
Only for a moment.

I am free against your body.
I am free when we connect.
To that world beyond this world.

Just a moment where everything feels right.
We all need it, sometimes we give everything.
Give too much.

But you can escape in different ways.
Healthy ways too.
Music and creating, whatever sets you free.

Listen to that voice inside that tells you what you need.
A new year where we can all follow our true feeling.
A new year where you can just have your say and do what you must do.

What do you want the most, who do you really love?
I shouldn't try to be all sentimental but we need to do what feels right.
That’s what I think is best cause we are battling and growing.

Narrow ideas about life are over now.
Not just right and wrong, religion, rules.
But energy spread out all over, God is not a thing, not nothing, in everything.

The gates to the spiritual world are always open.
Listen, respond how you feel you need to.
Be you.

Have a good next year, feel free.
I wish for you freedom, love, more peace and passion.
You are worth everything and so much more!

I lie here completely open.
Drinking anything you pour in.
Anything is better than nothing.
I'm resting at the church steps every day.
Of a religion I hadn't heard of before.
The one that seems to fit me.
Right now that I learned the lessons that brought me to the next step.
Tomorrow I'm moving again...

Everybody is exhausted, one way or another.
Organizing brings more choas.
How do others work, I wonder.

No space in a day, escaping your body.
If it's still worth it you're considered lucky.
Hold on, hold me, time to get cozy.
Rushing so my feelings are behind me.

But I am on fire, shaking and staring.
Losing oversight.
No comfort at night.

So I write it all down cause it won't get done.
One by one.
One step at the time getting dizzy and confused.
How do you see through all the stuff you have used?

Cleaning and moving and changing.
It's a lot of re-arranging.
Is it living or just doing without feeling?

Head exploding, losing energy, any form of capacity.
To even begin to explain what's happening.
People never have nothing to do, always busy.
Overwhelming.

People are the energy like a star.
People are.
People shoot into the air.
And wish to stay there,

But moving is a part of living.
It's a part of everything.
Just keep on managing.

It's a lot.
Keep on smiling.
It's a lot.
Keep on managing.
Till you're not.

Some people move while standing still.
Managing until.
Smiling.
Managing.
Engaging.

I’m melting in the wild fire.
Coming out as the rain.
As a flood I take you in my arms.
In the sky I’ll change from a strong wind into warm rays of sun coming through like a phoenix.

Like a raven in a bath of blood.
In your car when the sun goes down.
My eyes tired from the constant adrenaline and listening to all the noises.

Feeling everything and then being left all alone.
In a half dead place,
with a half dead face.
And a body that’s spreading itself out on the demp sand and grass.

I knew the way to Walhalla.
I fought and came out.
Still here in this world for now.
The fountain is where I walk to during the day.

The half dead place is where I enter the gate when it’s late.
And dark outside.
And lonely.
And bad.

So useless just wondering.
After a long fight, just escaping.
I know I have to be there now alone.
Odin told me to go.
So I listened.

Because I can never stay too long anywhere with anyone.
He knows, I know.
I’m melting in the wild fire that I caused.
That others cause before me.
They pulled me in.
Like a black raven in a blood bath.
And the sky will change.

I take you in my arms like a flood.
Into the warm rays of sun.
Coming through like a phoenix.

Midnight at the Matrix.
Only in poetry music, ***.
Sometimes there's a way out.

And a dreamland in the inbetween.
Seeing things you haven't seen.
But there are some boundaries.

There are little worlds behind them.
You can see them but you can't go there yet.
And creatures walking around you ignoring you.
This world is not yet yours.

Midnight at the matrix.
Trying to get ready to relax.
Finishing your last phone call.

You both broke down on the other side of the line.
Both vacuum ****** and you can't get through the end of the bowl.
Cause there's no end at all.
No end in a vacuum bowl.

Still not completely ****** in the same way.
But soon you'll be ****** together in the same old bowl.
One of you just came out of war, the other out of hell.
Not much difference, still a world of a difference.

One is still and the other always ill.
Cause being ****** in a bowl where everything is too much makes you never relax...
Being ****** in a bowl after a war is a calm in the eye of a storm.
An eye of glass....

Midnight at the Matrix.
Only in poetry music, ***.
Sometimes there's a way out.

I am walking and searching in a demp place.
Flies in my face.
Missing something, somebody but I've got to be with me.
I will never be yours, I know.
I've never had a life that allowed me to stay and be somebody's girl or wife.
Now I'm lost in a demp place with flies.
Again on my my own.
I can't stick around for too long with anyone but the evenings are so silent.
The pain of knowing that tomorrow I'll be alone.
On important dates like 24-07-21.
24/7, it used to be a date set to go but I'm not ready yet.
Though I don't know where to go.
How to love if nobody's ever really going to be able to call me theirs.
I carry that love around and I've got to be with me.
Connected to nature.
Free but lonely and always walking.
With flies around.
Going into the demp dark place with the high trees, too much humidity.
The deeper I go in, the more I lose my breath.
I start coughing.
Time to go back.
This place is not right.
But where do I go?
Now on my own again.

Life is not worth the pain. But life is all you have in the moment. Death doesn’t come on demand even if you try. It’s not that simple. Death is a journey too and life is a journey towards death. You can only follow yourself is what I found out. Why should you follow just any “light” that appears?