Letting go.
It can’t get to me.
Everything dies.
And what’s left is me.
What I want.
Where I am.
The place I created.
The love for people, places and sounds.
Stripped down.
Still a creature.
I’m everything.
Yet nothing lasting.
Yet never dying.
Always changing.
But my love remains.

I can’t live.
I can’t die.
All I leave behind is great pain!
Then why am I unable to pull the plugs?
My head hurts from the heartache.
Everyday.

I’ll fight for your love then if that’s what you want.
I’ll be that crazy girl from the suicide squad.
You can tear me up.
Only you, cause you give me life.

When I jump on the train to see you, I don’t cry.
And I don’t ask myself why I can’t pull the plugs.
It’s obvious I still have it inside, the will to fight.

Although I was destroyed by life.
It’s alright as long as I can still and you are also willing to fight next to me.

But it’s always going to hurt either physically, mentally or both or deeper.
My heart is broken to the core now and I can’t live.

But I can’t die today, I can’t try it anymore.
So let me fight till my body’s gone.

I can’t live.
I can’t die.
All I leave behind is great pain!
Then why am I unable to pull the plugs?
My head hurts from the heartache.

I don’t want to be in it anymore anyway.
Tear it up then.
If that’s what you want.
I don’t want it anymore anyway.
If it hurts this much to be alive all the time.
24/7

24 hours.
It either feels good or bad.
So you're either running or sleeping.
24 hours to find out where this battle will end.
And if it will begin again soon.....

Allow me to take a very welcome long break.
I need space to be here for me.
And I'm declaring myself to be free from your pulling.
As long as you are unwilling to respect me, my truest feelings, my boundaries.
They run deep inside of me.

But I've found back myself and inner strength.
A save place and space for them where I can walk to.
Walking away.....
After 24 hours.
The battle ended with me taking my own path.
With a waterfall of tears and a free soul coming through.

24 hours and it's been decided.
It doesn't feel very nice to take the road all on my own once more.
But if it's what I need in the moment, I know there's only one way.
To go.

I wanted to be dead at 26. I’m 32 now. Still want to be dead at 26. Even though I did learn, grow and experience a lot. I don’t like life and who I’ve become. 😢😞

Two people in a bubble.
Are very lucky.
But are just as fragile.
As the bubble they live in.


The bubble is better than life.
In the bubble is less trouble,
The bubble of love, the colours of a raibow.
The bubble of love that those two people blow.


Because they wanted to be.
Two people in a bubble.
They wanted to be ´´we´´.
And escape the horror.


The bubble is better than life.
In the bubble is less trouble,
The bubble of love, the colours of a raibow.
The bubble of love that those two people blow.


Is it selfish to break
the bubble when it´s fake?
When you care, can you blow a nice one?
And let the other float off.
With a kiss and a cry and love.


Crying so hard filling the bubble with tears, it will break anyway.
Some day.

While I’m with you I suddenly remember
there was a time where I didn’t want to die.
Now I can’t even remember why.
Tonight an old clock suddenly chimes.
After having been switched off long ago.
It chimes for a while, later just 3 times.
The other clock in front of it starts waking up also.

12 times, 12 chimes.
Then silence without any answers.
About why they did that like non of it matters.
And I’m holding you in my arms as we are dancing.
To the chiming.
In your house with your clocks that should’ve been switched off.
You and I dancing through the pain, the agony of life and the serenity of love.

Some of your special people moved on, some still hang around.
As we dance they can all come join us when they hear their perfect sound.
The flames burn high, move from left to right.
You play Leonard Cohen, his voice is soothing in the night.

I go to bed at 12:03 AM
It’s all just silent like I am.
Finally I’m not waking and you are also slowly heading off to dreamland.
In the morning I still watch you sleep with your bald head on your strong hand.
I love you so.
I silently go.

We’ll meet later for our next mission.
And we do it without tension.
Because we can and we understand.
Everything that happens here and what happens in a far away land.
So far from the layers around this world there is a place for you and me.
I figured that out eventually.
Together with you I remembered why.
Most people never want to die.

There was a time where non of us understood how anybody would.
Just move on, move up, high and far.
To find out who we really are.
I’d love to go and I’d love to know.
Why an old clock suddenly chimes after been switched off long ago.

I ask you how you feel, you mention the weather, always the weather.
My body feels so heavy, I feel exhausted and everything gets too much.
But people talk about the weather, it's either the cause or the solution.
I go for a long walk every day.
I don't care about the weather at all.
I don't want to hear about the weather when I ask you how you feel anymore.
Tell me something real.
Is it really just the weather?

My ears feel like they’re bleeding.
I was sleeping.
But they started buzzing.
I needed that sleep.
And they’re not stopping.
Loud outside.

Head hurts now.
I’m frozen stiff.
Need to leave the world.
Everything is wrong.
The mattress moved and popped and now it’s not comfy.
So I got on the couch trying to get some rest.
I don’t know what to do anymore.
I’m traumatized by how hard it is to find comfort I feel.

My ears are popping.
They are not stopping.
Wish I was still sleeping.

What should I do about the bed?
About making people tired or letting people down?
I’ll try to find solutions.
Try to stay calm.

I was already thinking last night like:

This world is nothing but a job.
I don’t feel alive.
Things are no longer new and exciting.

Today everything got worse so all I can do is trust there’s a reason….
Learning to live while not comfortable, experiencing feelings.
No certainty, maybe I will sleep or die from lack of rest.

Still I remain a dead person who hasn’t died.
Can I live in the moment?
I have so many thoughts about the next thing coming and the wrongs things…
Not every thought needs to become an action though but I cry inside and I don’t want to be here.
This is not my world at I’m tired of trying to fit in it.

Why would you stay in this comfort when it’s bringing you discomfort?
The tree lets the wind take its leaves.

Blurred vision, always starving, on a verge of crying, staring.
I wish I could run, fly, sing.
But nobody is listening so why should I move?
Nobody’s there now but my own pain, catatonic staring, still restless but stuck.
Drinking but only causing my eyes to sting.
I wish I was free enough to see death as a blessing but I’m scared.
I can’t eat, can’t not eat.
Cannot prepare for a party.
So I want a surprise party.
Love and experience.
Cause if I can’t have a moment of freedom I’d rather be dead.
I’d rather not wake up, my dreams are amazing but the days are exploding.
Agony of nothing.
Thinking.
Feeling empty and heavy.
I wish I was free enough to see death as a blessing but I’m scared.

Where have I been?
Ever.
Blurry just cramping and tightness, not living.
I wish I could dance and float.
Like a flower on the river.
Not thinking about life living.
No catatonic staring stiffness and pain inside my head that’s never been mine.
I’m experiencing a place I don’t call save since I was born.
I’m sinking down, trying not to drown completely in toxicity.
Cause you still need me for when you come back.
One day you’ll have to let me go and I need to.
Learn to let go.
I’ve grown but feel so down, can’t fly high though I still dream but I know it’s a lie.
In this life.
It’s only keeping me going.
Going into the largest space full of just voids.
And just NOTHING.
Nothing but thoughts and longing, I try to dance but I’m down.
Heavily sinking down into nothing, I wish I was free enough to set myself free….
Free me and let me find freedom.

You are my only home.
My only comfort.
My closet where I can safely keep my needs.
Where it’s not all lying around.
Like it’s still a chaos inside my head.
Like I still don’t know where to put my things.
Like I still can’t block out all of the sounds that are still blaring.
It’s not there or on the background when you’re around.
And when it hurts still to be here, with you or alone you try to make it better.
You don’t even know the difference you make I guess.
I would have given up already if you weren’t my home at last.

Death, I’ve been there.
How did I end up here?
I will go back.
But never go back here.
No way.
Will we meet somewhere?
I love your skin.
Not mine.
I love your bed.
Never mine.
I can’t sleep with you.
Only when you stay awake.
When I wake up you are tired.
You sleeping is me leaving.
To another bed, never comfy.
I love resting with you.
Never on my own.
Don’t let me have these lonely evenings.
Restless nights.
Terrifying issues.
Let me escape them.
I can’t keep walking.
Aimlessly.

Last night I went to a closed down circus in the city.
A sad clown came up to me.
He kissed me till I had his red lips.
A kiss from a clown is so bold and bright red.
After that you cannot possibly look sad.

So I will go back another night to see if he would be there again.
In my dream later he tells me that this was something between me and him.
Next time bring your tutu dress and I will wear my best suit.
We'll be dancing all night and I'll promise to make your lips bright red.

As I write it all down after last night I hear the neighbours wake up too.
I paint my eyes like his eyes, at least I try to.
But I can't seem to get it right.
So what will I do about tonight?
I shed a little tear, I feel so helpless.
But then I notice it looks good now and I put on the tutu dress.

I take a bus to the city and stare somewhere.
The sad clown must be already waiting there.
At the empty circus.
To give me a clowny kiss.
Only his.

I call for him as I pass the entrance.
Sad clown, sad clown, I'm here for romance.
And so we dance.
Like it's the last night.
It will be the last night...
Red lips, red stains, red, all red, red red, pain.
Don't leave me bleeding, but he goes running as I am dying.

Nothing’s alright.
Everything upside down.
Nothing to hold on to.
Everything that used to be important is not anymore.
All pieces flying around me.
Which one to grab here, I don’t know.
So I just walk on.....
You just walk on.....
Falling together but in different directions.
Please bring us back together.

But nothing’s alright and I try to just survive.
You try to just survive.
But my body’s sick and tired and your house is on fire.
Everything is gone.
Everything that was just enough to still be ok.
Now we are blindly searching.
Let us find each other at the end if we can’t stick together.
I’m lonely and tired.
You are tired and in need of space to wind down.
And I’m down.

There’s nothing left to hold on to.
It will always go some way.
But it’s never been easy for you.
Never been easy or ok for me.
All the pieces flying.
All that was still standing completely falls.
The waves are so high now.
Still not fully drowning, still rowing.
Not knowing where to.
Somewhere.
Still somewhere hopefully together at some point, some ship.
I’ll find you.
You’ll find me.

Overwhelmed staring.
I kept on resting this morning. Your energy is so lovely just like yesterday. And like last night. I didn’t even worry about sleep. Slept enough anyway in the end after a fight here and there. In me, everlasting overwhelming stare. And you make me want to continue the fight while I know it’s not alright. Only for a while and another....

Maybe muscle memory goes deeper than a body.
Like lipsyncing to a song that you never heard before.
Dreaming in a language that you don’t speak anymore.

I am angry when I try to sleep.
I am angry when I try to wake.
I am angry when I try to live.
I am angry when I try to die.

Maybe this impossible life takes longer than my age.
Like looking back a couple of months not believing where I was living.
And everything I believed in has again all been changing.

I am finally where I tried to be.
I got finally what I need to take.
I have finally a way out of this place.
I know finally what’s going on but I can’t leave.

So now what again?
Making the best of it and doing what I can?
I deserve to get out and go see what’s beyond.
Although my view is clear.
Clear from here.

But I keep being angry when I try to sleep.
Keep being angry when I try to wake.
Keep being angry when I try to live.
Keep being angry when I try.

How to get through the day after another bad night, hating life…!…? 😭

Could you just not make it any worse from now on? I ask my tired head. My darling is already trying to have a normal morning. After a night of no relaxing. Because of me, my head. And now I’m lost in a space of trying, having to but not functioning well...
Somehow joining my darling in trying so hard to have an easy morning anyway. While nothing feels ok, nothing seems so easy, pressure is always so high. I should be alone, not dragging him with me, my darling who just takes it all. A winner through the fights. While I have lost so many or so many took too long, I’m still alive. Is that a prize? More like a price to pay. Paying for my freedom that shall come after a long hard war.

I love to pretend that everything is fine.
Like a moment of silence, a dark corner, a song.
I see a painting of a woman crying.
Big drops.

I meet nice people when I sleep.
I go under the water.
I take things as they come.

Hidden behind grave stones I watch the people walking.
Crying.
People losing everything being locked up in their prisons.

And the love and hope that keeps them going.
From a distance.

Love is traveling from one place to the next.
To where it belongs.
And it can never stay alive.

Only in death.
Everything is fine.

Like a moment of silence in the dark.
Like a song in your playlist that comes along telling you: it’s alright.

I can't be who I want to be in here.
Feeling too much and then nothing.
Hurting, only hurting and suffering.
Numbing overwhelming.

Trying to make sense of things while fighting in this dazzling darkness.
Let me go back to how it used to be.
A time where I felt like I was albe to be myself as a piece of universal love.
And to love you.
Or else I don't know why I can't leave this world.

I can't be who I want to be in here.
Feeling too much and then nothing.
Hurting, only hurting and suffering.
Numbing overwhelming.

Hold me like you understand.
Or else just let me leave.
I might as well move on forever, find love beyond here.
And be there for the ones that I care about.
Finding truth, finding myself, being a piece of universal love.

Without hurting eyes and a hurting mind.
Singing my way through the tunnels and the worlds beyond this place that's hurting.
How would I know to be ready when I don't know what it feels like?

Can't I just love you again and pretend it's all alright?
No, because it's not and it will never be.
So let me go!

I can't be who I want to be in here.
Feeling too much and then nothing.
Hurting, only hurting and suffering.
Numbing overwhelming.

As long as I need to I will try to make it right.            
But I can’t wait for that day where I can leave it all behind.
It takes so much time, so much pain everyday.
My eyes are sore, my body stiff and tired.

Resting isn’t helping.
So I’m exercising slowly.
Trying to wind down.
Till it’s all done and I can move on.
Today and the next day.

I want to change everything.
I want to be dancing in a world that’s mine only.
With lots of things.
And you can join me in your world.

I don’t want to leave the world better like Sia.
I want to leave it forever.
I don’t want my life to matter.
I learned so much but in this world it has no purpose.

It keeps on hurting me without enough breaks.
It has no right to want anything from me or anybody no more.

Great pain for a lifetime that feels like it’s never ending.
All I can do is trying to give that pain the least amount of power.
But it’s still a torturing nightmare.
And I can’t escape it.

Only people that are amazing and music makes everything better.
But I can’t live.
It brings peace to know that one day this will all just be a dream that I can wake up from. Like Eminem said.

And it’s all been decided for us like Freddie Mercury already knew.
Let’s wake up from the nightmares of this world, let’s demand better.
This world should no longer keep people in such horror. 😭😭😭😭😭😭

Going home because it hurts.
It hurts to be going home.
Like the end of a holiday.
You don’t want to leave.
You want to keep on dreaming that life can be that nice.

I wish to be that special one that always brings you joy.
Like a summer at the beach.
Like a sparkling eye contact in the morning lying next to each other.

Instead we sparkle after an Irish coffee and I leave after a brief vacation.
Packing up my stuff.
It wasn’t always easy without any stress or pain.

It was magical nonetheless and so I can only kiss you and say: I love you, see you, I will miss you.
I’ll try to get through the days and nights just to see you again.
For a nice little short summer trip of love, headaches and wild sparkles. With my dark make up rubbing on your face.

A messy funny night, a messy heavy day, a messy painful morning and a night of pressure, some sleeping and some sun and rain.

There’s nothing better than being consciously out of it.
Carrying that white flag all aware of it.
Breaking the barriers.
Wasting away in my comfort that’s slipping away every second.
And hopefully coming back.

Why do I try when everything sinks and the water keeps flowing?
Why do I plant seeds when in this land nothing is growing?
Why do I buy clothes for a body that I don't know?
Why do I put glitter on when another cry soon will follow?
Disappointed but alive, or dead?
I don't know what feels worse.
But when I have to be alive I'll always keep on trying to cure this curse.
But why?! Cause I'm a bad bad nurse!!!
I want to be able to **** the reason why I fight.
I don't mind if I die in the process.
Dying in this way is progress.
How many times do I have to keep trying to explain it?
Will the right people get it when I'm dead?
Will they admit?
I'm a nurse that will always be bad.
Bad at living, bad with an attitude, bad and in a bad mood.
Bad but good.
Sometimes feeling alright too.
When I smile when I see you.
But please get it now.
I'm trying to find the poison to **** that virus that's in me and it will **** me.
And it's fine and the truth and it's just all reality.
But doctors never want to see that and only they can provide it.
One day I'll make my own and not just a little bit.
Just wait and see, watch me and change things hopefully.

I fought a snake last night.
A boy came after me to do the same.
But I told him I already did it.
He seemed to not really believe that I already gone through this fight.
It was over but he made me do it again.
So I threw the boy to the snake and ran.

Something in me told me I had to do this to really finish it.
Couldn’t help being a bad ***** in my dream.
It was his time to fight so now I had to leave.

Be free.
Run, run, run.
Run to the city.
The brown empty city in the night.
Through the night.

I don’t know why this keeps on happening.
It’s like I’m forced to fight every time before being able to let go.
Can’ t just shake it off cause there’s always something, somebody left to fight with or fight for.
And afterwards being afraid of what will be my sentencing.
It’s unacceptable, you did something horrible.

Something in me told me I had to do this to really finish it.
Couldn’t help being a bad ***** in my dream.
It was his time to fight so now I had to leave

**** it off and then you can run free!
Run, run, run.
Run to the city.
The brown empty city in the night.
Through the night.

Life = death &
Death = life.
When you let go you will know.
You will know when you let go.

I need peace or death.
Maybe both.
First peace and then death.
Let me slowly drift off into a different world.
Where there’s no constant pulling or pushing on your body and torture.
In the mind, the soul, the heart, the eyes, the ears, the muscles, the skin.
Let me sleep and know it’s over.
I made it.
To the other side after all.
After all these nights and all these different tests and teachings.
Not just useless torturing being left behind.
It’s time to find some spirit guides.
Take me on a boat and let me sail with you.
See the moon so blue and bright with the stars shimmering.
And when I close my eyes I’m floating, leaving the demon body.
Smiling at how it’s lying there and I am free to go.

To the other side.
Syonide.
To the other side.
Syonide.
To the other side Syonide.

I want it all: I want a bath of chocolate milk.
I want his love and a dress of silk.
I want to be bald and punk with a lot of hair.
I want to be passionate and I don't want to care.

And I got all of this but I also want to die.
Cause my body and soul can't get by.
But I want to wait.
Too much to celebrate.
I want to go.
Too many steps to follow.

I want to do all these things.
******* by strings, a deep wound that stings.
Waiting and moving standing still.
Feeling ill.

I’m a sea in the wind and you are my ray of sunlight.
I can be on my own.
Free and wild.
But I don’t feel the warmth of a loving light that I can reflect.

I choose to feel you when I can.
Even when it’s causing lightning.
Or when your rays are painfully sharp to my eyes.
Then I’ll still keep on trying to find a way to let my waves run wild with your light shining through.

Just like you always seem to find me through the clouds.
You wait for me and then come out again. Without you I am a cold wild sea.
With you I’m reflecting sunrays.

And the colours are sparkling in the wind. Sometimes painfully blinding.
But always warm and always more interesting, more beautiful, more meaningful, intensely shining.
Like it’s not when you’re not around.
So let me reflect your light even though I’m salty, wild and heavy.
I let you be in your full glory still.

We will find a way to make it happen.
Even though it stings, it hits so hard, it hurts like waves of despair.
I want your light in my water, through my dark blue waves.

From the white foam with its colours all the way down to the sand.
There will be beauty and nasty monsters in the  deepest parts of my ocean.
You won’t always be able to fully see them and they can’t catch you too well.

They will be there still but that doesn’t keep me from reaching out to you there in the sky. Cause the feeling that you give me makes me come to life sometimes.
Be my shining light.
Even when there’s only rainstorms and we are far apart.
Even when I’m so wild for a while, I’ll still try to be there with you. To reflect your loving light and let the colours sparkle.

The foamy colours come through and it’s all because of the beauty of your light and my wild reflecting waves that go so deep.
Deeper than anybody could ever see.
And you are so high, so warm and bright, not everybody can reach you.
You are a ray of light above the sea.

Not everybody can reach you but your beauty is clear to see by many.
So keep shining even when I’m dying and the sand is drying.
Nothing stays the same forever.
Like the waves of a wild sea like me and the colours of your light.

Being forced to ''run away'' because of not having a place to stay almost felt comfortable.
When you can't be comfortable anywhere.
Not with all the many painful things hitting.
Over and over day and night, so many feelings and complicated thinking...
In the end it will all fall into place, I know but it's so hard to function with all these things in the way!

Being forced to run away because of not having a place to stay.
Nothing to lose, all that matters is love and music.
Maybe some day I'll land somewhere and be able to love that.
Love being there, being there with someone and loving with all my being.
But if I can't be living, let me do something that is worth something to the ones I love.
I love how we got through life so far, we have come so far.

I love who you have become, who you've been and just who you are.
But when I look at stupid me, the naive person I had to be I can't help but hate her for all she didn't know.
But I understand why she was like that, I just never knew why it had to be.
Why was my journey so rough?
Why is yours rough too?
Journeys, worries, pain cause it's blurry and you don't know how to get through the smoke.
Am I the devil's toy or joke?

Does the universe hate me?
Can the universe not take me?
Am I feeling to it like I'm feeling right now, how I've been feeling all my life?
The fighting was good and all, very insightfull.
Let me go.

Being forced to run.
Being forced to run away.
Run if you can!
Be happy when you can.
Cause some can't run.
Some are forced to stay.
And what is worse?
Being forced to stay or being forced to run away?

There's a lot going on with a lot of people.
A lot of people that I love.
And me.
There's a lot I want to do.
Instead I try my best to listen and burn a candle.
I tell some how brave they are.
And strong.
Inside I cry, think no one deserves this tension, terror, helplessness.
I get a group hug from my spirit guides.
I raise my hands up to the sky.
I sing a song.
Trying to be in the moment.
Loving, embracing.
The good things in life.
The contact, the connection, affection.
Come get that embrace.
I'll send it out as well.
Walking and singing being one with nature.
We're in this together.
I want to tell my friends: you're not alone.
You're never alone.
Warrior, soldier, viking.
You're divine, amazing, you can do it.
ALWAYS.
But it hurts.
So bad.
But you're a badass.
The fire burns inside your eyes.
The waves of your power go high.
You fly with your wing spread out wide.
The wind is with you.
So is the sky, the universe which you're a part of.
You're never alone.
EVER.
There's a lot going on with a lot of people in this world.
But it never lasts.
And nothing is important.
Only what we are.
INSIDE.
I try my best to be in the moment and burn a candle.

In this world there’s love, when you look deeper inside it feels like a belonging.
Are there actual words for deep feelings?
I like to try to find my way of expressing them at least.

I like to try through words, movements, sound.
I feel so distracted by noise, I feel so uncomfortable in life.
But when I think about love/belonging I feel so much emotion, realness, longing.

My thoughts can get in the way of my love, the “now”, the true desire.
Set me free, I beg you now, torturing place, prison guard, unlock the chains.
⛓️‍💥
**** the disease.
Break the bars.
Release the tension.
Come get me.
Let me out.
Spread your arms open wide.
Let me inside.
Welcome me.

New world of love and belonging, inside you and me.
Away from here where there’s noise and control and no control of your life.
I’m dying over and over just to live a little, fighting battles for some peace.

Let me let it go, let it out, get out, blow up.
Dream far.
Escape fast and stay away.
Long enough to feel so good.
To know what it’s like again to have energy, be exited about something.

Over someone.
A connection.
A place.
A new way to be.
A new name and body.
A fresh feeling.
Fulfillment, purpose, hope, belonging/love.

Today is heavy, my soul carrying my body.  
Yesterday we were walking chased by a black dog.
Everywhere he followed me and my body.
But when we tried to approach him, he ran as fast as a fox can.

We let him play this game for a while under a bright full moon in the sky.
Walking to the bridge, sitting under trees.
Staring at the sky, seeing the dog come and go.
Until we got fed up and left to let him sort it out.
He never came back anymore.

Today we had a meltdown, too much to carry to carry on.
So we let it flow and accepted that you can’t fully explain this world and people are suffering.
We’ve been lost all throughout this life and only gathered pieces to guide us through a journey that taught us that everything has a story.

And we gathered those with us as well.
So many, still so lost.
But nothing is wrong and nothing is right.
It all just is what it is at that moment or that lifetime.
This soul carrying this body today...
It’s always longing to see and be beyond this one.

I love the form I'm in today.
But I can't live here.
My bones are black.
I try to fly, even spread out my arms.

It's so hard and heavy for me to be.
And I wish I could at least spent the night not alone.
But it can't be because the days are too hard.
The nights too restless.

I'm too great of a mess if I even try to get ready.
For anything with anybody.
But my love is deep.
Like the blackness that I wear all over my body.
My black bones and dead eyes.

Arms spread open wide.
Should I just move my wings and go?
Everybody should be annoyed with me by now.
Yet my friends and family say they understand.
I try to help them through their hell as well where I can.

Nothing's certain or can be planned anymore.
Nobody knows what's the right thing to do.
So everybody tries their best.
But it hurts and now I'm too worn out and dark.

I live in the shadow of my soul.
When I spent the days alone.
Only that music sometimes lifts me up and gets me to spread my arms.
In the wind outside, I want to go!

But it's never the right moment.
There's always too much I'm leaving behind in this chaos.
But I am a mess, a heavy mess, dark, deep, black.
What I need is not here.

But those people that I need are.
Sometimes they need me too, they want me to be by their side.
And I want nothing more.
But how I wish I could just take them by the arm and hand with me to where there's peace.

Where we can all be save and free.
Without terror, horror, torture.
But you've got to be ready to leave everything you've ever known.
None of us have learned or seen beyond this place of the universe throughout our entire life on earth.

Do you ever look at people and wonder: Why do we think humans look normal?
We're used to it, it's all we know.
But how I wish I could just leave and take some people to a better place.
Or leave by myself that send a little signal.
Fight for peace so that this pain will never happen again!

I love the form I'm in today.
But I can't live here.
My bones are black.
I try to fly, even spread out my arms.....

Do you ever look at people and wonder: Why do we think humans look normal?
We're used to it, it's all we know.

I was falling apart.
Every day.
I started falling for you.

I didn't know where to pick the pieces from.
Pieces to give, to show, to live.
I gathered some.

But once they fell again you treated me like a child.
A child that knocked over its block tower.
Like I was stupid for doing so.

Not noticing I was falling apart and tripped.
That's why I hit the blocks.
The black blocks of this tower.

It was fragile like me and made to fall.
Like me.
But each block is too strong to break.

Maybe there were just too many to keep this fragile tower standing.
And maybe if you looked you would have noticed.

But you were never taught to look and always too busy to see.
No one is to blame.

But now I'm lying here with these pieces everywhere all by myself.
Not knowing where to pick these pieces from again and again.....
Why won't you see?
I wish I could swim so I'd be floating.

No need for building, not need for holding, if it rains blocks I'll dive under.
Meet me there.

You would love me.
Now you don't cause I'm too much, I can't get it together, whatever.
Can't keep trying to find pieces to give, pieces to show, pieces to live.
**** these blocks up into a deep black hole and let me swim.
I'm falling apart.
Every day.▪️◾️◼️⬛️

Blackness and white bones.
Weird shapes and water.

Strong scents in the bathroom.
And the pressure of having a lover.

Being a lover.
Being a loner.

Eating fruit while on the go.
Naked rough bodies.

Holding hands, shaving heads.
Pineapple stuck between teeth.

Being a loner.
Being a lover.

Not trying to cover.
The marks, the shadows.

Dancing to the deep voices.
With your eyes closed.

Being a lover.
Being a loner.

Let me go on my own.
Don't let me go.

The pressure of being a lover.
The pressure of having a lover.

Travelling alone without ever settling.
Never forgetting or always forgetting.

I had a lover.
I had to be a loner.

The pressure of being a lover.
The pressure of having a lover.

Let me go on my own.
Don't let me go.

I am travelling inside with you.
Travelling in peace on my own.

Pressure of being inside with you.
Inside a place on my own feeling so alone.

Travelling around blackness and white bones.
Swimming through weird shapes and water.

Strong feelings in a closed off room.
The pressure of being together.

I want to bleed till I’m dry.
Never cry so hard again and just drown forever.

Be a corpse swallowed by the sand soaked by the rain.

Not like the sand that burned.
But let me crawl into the earth.

Walk through tunnels till I’m out.
Ready to fly, away from where my dead body lies deep.

Blurry browny.
A deep tone.
Trying to die.
Not thinking about death.
A deep brown tone.
Creamy filling.
Very heavy.
Not thinking about eating.
A thick brown tasty coffee flavoured filling.
Brown layering.
Chocolate kiss.
Not listening to the deep tone.
Very smudgy.
Licking thick cream.
Blurry browny.
Not seeing everything but only feeling.
Nice tasty intense.
Deep brown.
Chocolate filling.

Broken people are better when they're in battle.
Most of the time they can't live outside of it anymore.
They're too broken to be comfortable when there's no battle left to fight outside from their own battle with life.

They used methodes to survive too often to even start to just be able to live.
And even if they could, their bodies are no longer programmed to just be content while not having to prepare for the next hit.

Let broken people battle for what they love instead of what is hitting them too hard.
And let them feel the reason why they survived the battles before

I want to close my eyes black and white.
Shiny drops and blurry.
Beer at night, white lace on my dress.

Outside on the grass.
Looking down.
Where are you, where’s the music?

My hair is down and so am I.
My eyes are a mess and so am I.

I close my eyes and run.
I close my eyes and dance.
I close my eyes and dream.

Wish I could sleep.
With you next to me.
For the rest of my life.

My mind wondering off far.
My body at ease.
Carried by love.

All of what I am here buried in this world still now.
I want my body buried…
I’ll be running towards foggy fields.

This energy.
Created by this world.
And me, my life, my body, my mind.

It’s going to stay and it’s going.
Like shiny drops and blurry sight, beer at night.
And lace.

Lying outside on the grass.
With you.
And the music.

I went on my bike following the red thread.
Just like every other day, the one thing I ever had.
And so I went and the water next to me got so wavy.
And so dark, darker than darkest blue navy.

It won't cover me here cause there's no burning suffering.
When the red thread is covering my skin.
I can just keep on cycling.
Always singing.
About how I won't be ok.
It's not alright and it can never be fine.
Still this moment is always mine following the red line.

I went on my bike cycling and singing.
That is always ok.
So the burning will finally stop stinging.
Like every single day.

Last night I dreamed I was somebody else.
Me inside another body.
A teen with another kind of life.
And I’m 30 actually.
This girl was still at school.
Had arranged to meet up with a friend that night.
Had a lot of fake black leg tattoos who would come off from a couple of washes.
I’m just curious about this seeming so normal, not remembering my actual life.
Only somewhere hidden in the back.
I knew myself.
But not everything from this life.
My actual one right now.
Is it worth it to go through all of this pain if I don’t remember?
Why am I learning, I know I’m growing but in my dreams I’m back to the base.
The developments are less present.
They do have an influence I suppose but the core is just plain me inside.
Without knowing, remembering everything.
Will I remember what I learned?
I must keep the growth, can I exist with it?
For the the collective.
Still being me.

Bye bye, I just want to die.
I’m eating myself but I’ll never ever be satisfied in here.
Is there a place where I can feel save?
Is there a time for me to feel free?
Can I let go, really fall backwards?
Nobody believes the fall when they see it.
I’ll just be dropping down in the middle of the street.
But instead of being injured I’ll burst into a thousand pieces.
And nobody would find them.
It keeps on happening.
Almost every day.

Bye bye, I just want to die!
But instead I break, I shake, I fly in a thousand pieces.
And at night I drop down but not to rest well, just to collect the pieces.
As well as I can.
Nobody can find me.
Sometimes somebody finds a piece.
Thank you so much, let me give you this one.
Be gentle please but just fly with me.
In the end we say: bye bye.

I just want to die.
Nice to be out of this feeling for some time.
Everyone can only have a piece, never fully me.
And there are too many pieces flying and falling around now.
I don’t know where I can go.
I have no save place.
Feed me freedom.
I’m starving.
I’m lying all around the cold floor.
Nobody can see.
They’re just walking on like me in this mess.
I’m the mess, my world is in pieces all the time.
I can’t collect myself.
I’m flying around.
You can’t hold me, keep me ever, anywhere, inside, outside, upside down.
Bursting all the time.
Bye bye, I just fly, bye bye, I just want to die.

But all the pieces keep flying and I’m never ready to find them and burry them all.
I’m so tired.
I can’t hide.
I can’t find the pieces inside to stop myself from flying.
To finally say: bye bye, I’m just gonna die!

Call me and say you're sorry, please.
But this can never happen again.
So I should not wish for that.
Cause it's not something that will change immediately.
Something in me wishes: maybe.
But that must be an illusion.
I can't just fix your issues like that.
Even if I kept a close eye.

It's your way of living, your way of dealing with the pain.
The pain you don't deserve.
Causing me pain when you deal with it in a toxic way.
Pain I don't deserve.
I already needed a warrior for my horrible fights but you are wounded too.

Sometimes it works, when the music fills me and I can give you all the love I feel.
Or you give your love to me cause for you it comes so easily.
You really are so loving and giving.
Although admitting defeat is not at all an easy thing for you to do.
Even though you're already perfect in every way and in this world you make mistakes.
It's all part of this Matrix, you see?

But you don't want to see, especially when you bring yourself into a toxic form of serenity.
Listen to that music and feel the loving touch, you may want to try it instead.
Maybe I am just too much with everything else going on.
That is where it hurts the most, that you don't dare to give yourself completely.
Because I can't give myself to life.

I always go so deep or high, never just on the ground, the ground can't hold my heaviness inside.
That heavy feeling or a bursting, never leaving, always exploding.
It's hard when it keeps pushing, when you keep pushing.
I should be running.

But there's no direction in the end as long as I'm here in this world.
I want to fly, dive into the ground, take you with me and turn everything around.
Upside down and rolling over, maybe visit and old place again.
See how everything has changed now so we have something to smile about.

Some things don't change or don't change for the better.
I am more tired than ever now.
But still a warrior although very much in pain all the time.
Just trying to make it to see what's coming.

But what if there's no reason to be a warrior anymore?
You just start wandering without any purpose.
You've done the travelling, you've seen and heard all about most things in life.
You're just walking around the finish line hoping for a way to cross or to fall into a rabbit hole.

Anything that takes you out that's quick and fast.
Oh please let me see a way like that some day soon.
I'll be going gladly and not with so much misery.
Cause some things don't change and leaving this world voluntarily without help is the worst.
To me.
But I either need to live a life or not.
Cause it's no way of being or to be loved when you're wandering and waiting to leave everything.
And be free of this world forever so all of these horrible things will be over.

Eve C6SS6NDR6

Can I take my playlist with me when I die please?

I Live like there’s no tomorrow
Be who I want to be
And be happy about it

That’s what I try to tell myself

My latest name is Eve C6SS6NDR6
Eve is more relaxed than Shadow, the previous.

She can stay up late.
And listen to her playlist forever.

But there’s an energy of love so pure that she can only feel in dreams.
Sleeping peacefully.

It’s hard to get there.
But she remembers it well.

The songs of the playlist are still playing.
When she wakes up she hears them in her head.

Up like there’s no tomorrow.
Wanting to die but not now.
And be happy about it.

Can I take my playlist with me when I die please?

I cannot live with somebody else.
I cannot even live with myself.

I want to die
But I don’t know what that is.
No, I don’t just want things to be alright.
I’m tired of this world and life.
I want to write one more poem.
To let the story have an end.

And then leave by myself.
Which seems impossible for me, to just let everything go.
It took me everything to do everything in this life already.
Have it be ok enough to survive.
But it never really worked and it never felt alright.
So please let the story end.

Tell me where I will be free and where I’ll find my place.
A world of freedom with my old friends and feelings.
Still there but feeling good and better.
Not sick but in my power.
In love and able to rest in peace.
And fly away.

I can’t find my world in here.
Let me go soon now.
Write the end chapture here.
Let me die, let me go.
Let me find my courage to let go of everything, it’s not even working.
Ever.
Yet it’s all I really know.

I tried before to go.
Wasn’t my time.
Same right now, still things to wait for.
For people, for me.
Born suicidal, I hate this world, the life, the constant merciless days and nights.

I wanted euthanasia but in the end it was denied, trying again, reapplied.
Intensely long waiting time.

Although I know there’s more to this torturing life.
And every chapture had its own little subjects that perfectly align.
But now I need to die!
I want to, I have to.
Let me say goodbye, tell you “This is the end”.
For once and for all.
In this life for me finally.
Goodbye, goodbye.

The end.

I cannot run, hide or fight.
I have to sit right in the centre.
And suffer.

Looking at a painful sight.
In the corner of my eye.
As I try to focus on survival mode.

Because I can’t run.
Nowhere to hide.
Forbidden to fight.
Cause I will lose my only place to live.

Although it’s not living.
It’s suffering.
Like it’s always been.
In many ways.

The last one was kind of a present because it was the better of them all.
The place before this one that I had to leave behind.
I cried.
Closed that chapture, know why.
I had to go.

But sometimes I hear the half dead forest call.
The one that was behind my place to live and survive.
The place before where I live now.

Here there’s no half dead forest.
Just parked cars, shops and houses in every street, in front of my window.

Nowhere to run, no place to hide, no permission to fight.
The people here know quite well I’m not from here and don’t belong.
I cannot sing.
Not on my walks.
I’ve never been one for small talks when I meet the neighbours...

I already mentioned too much now, better never again talk to them.
Complained too much already, it’s inside me to address things when they’re happening.

Not sit with it just suffering in silence just waiting.
Agonizing.
But many people do not know that I cannot run, hide or fight.

And it’s eating at me all the time.
I want out but I know not where I’ll go.
Only that this world has no save space.

Don't we all have our own little black books in here in which we attempt to write the pain away?
When I saw the new girl sitting in the garden all exhausted with hers in front of her, I ran upstairs.
I have no energy to meet another who writes her pain and plan down in a little black book.
No, I'll leave you alone.
Alone with your black book.
And I'll be in here writing too.
Upstairs or in the basement where I found out where they keep the clean white coats.
Nobody will see the stories.
Nobody can explain the journey.
I just hope you'll get some mercy.
Cause I've never seen any mercy.
Even while dreaming.
But the dreams do keep me going.
I have to still keep going.
Don't we all have to still keep going?
Don't we all need a little black book?
Do you also feel frozen and stuck deep inside your body?
Constantly?
Doesn't it get too heavy?
Like for me every day.
I won't ask you today.
I don't want to know the answer.
I have no breath left to respond.
And maybe you don't either really.
So I run upstairs.
And close the curtains to the garden and lay my head down on the chair.
The chair I wish I had when my bag of helium filled itself with oxygen when I wasn't sitting up straight enough so I didn't die.
And now in here I can't get helium.
And I wasn't approved for euthanasia either.
I lost my place to live because of trying, three times because of the situation.
Homeless.
Can you see what's wrong with this system?
Fighting for euthanasia, having dates planned already.
But the doctor to do the final check did not approve.
The second one didn't either.
But then one did after trying a few more treatments but they thought he was too willing.
Then the next one didn't either and so the case was closed.
The Netherlands, euthanasia, it's not working at all.

***** dark tears ran inside my speakers.
The sound still cracks now when I play my favorite songs.
It will not sound as clear as it used to ever again.
And I crack up when I hear it every day.
Everything breaks.

All good things get destroyed.
I tried to make some stuff right again like all of us do.
But it usually never becomes the same again.
People get ruined and die over and over, break, crack and grow.

It will change.
And it should never be as it was before cause that’s not what life’s about.
Yet the grief is heavy and sometimes too hard to take.

Salty ***** tears destroyed my speakers.
I don’t think I can ever tell my story but I left a lot of poetry.
The ***** ink will last forever and I left it at many places.

Somehow it brought me peace.
Along the way things changed and it will never be the same.
But it has never been ok anyway.
I just used to think it was when I was very young.
But it was all wrong from the start.
It was cracked from the beginning but it sounded somewhat clear.

Now I hope that I can hear a clear sound after I finally escape through the cracks.
I will try to let some of this clear sound escape through the cracks for you to hear as well.
And swim in clear water, make sounds like water creatures.
And hear and see it all so clearly even in the water with the energy that sets me free!
No more ***** tears and cracked up sounds.

All the dark water is still clear and sparkling.
All the dark eyes are deep and clear.
So is the love, so is the freedom, so it the power, so is this place.
Nothing cracks or hurts.

It’s clear forever and it feels right and true.
The deeper I dive in, the more I recognize and realise where I belong.
And my ***** tears stream and my cracked up speakers scream.
I cry for mercy, to be let out.
Like the clear sound that can’t pass through.
Let me escape through the cracks and be where the sound is clear to me.

Where it’s no longer broken.
Where it’s no longer *****.
Where it’s no longer hurting.
And when it will not break.
Where it stays alright and clear forever.