Sitting on the edge of my bed
A silent humming, thrumming inside my head
I have my phone on hand
Not knowing what to say.
How to make a move?
How to make an end to this futile midnight melodrama?

Here.

Overtaken by a fervor feeling
That I can't control that have been taking
Me places I've never been,
Flying with both feet on the ground

I want to say it but I don't know how!
Afraid of her leaving me; left out.

**** this midnight melodrama!

Looking at the empty message box
Not knowing where to begin.

And yet.

My fingers started gliding. Typing.

          "I have something to say."
          
Three dots appear. This is it. There is no other way
        
          "What is it?" She replied.

Hesitant.
The need to satiate this
Fervent feeling finding its way to my system
Is all consuming.
Blindly.
I could not detest and heeded anyway.

Nervously tapping on the screen
A silent mumbling, words forming
Trying to set the scene
To where could this go?
What would I like to know?

Hesitant.
The need to satiate this
Fervent feeling finding its way to my system
Is all consuming.
Blindly.
**** it. Fingers gliding. Typing

          "In the midst of what has
          Transpired
          My brain has gotten wired. I am
          done
          Being scared!

          "Hear my words and know that it
          that
          It's true. I've felt this way ever
          since I
          Laid eyes on you, it felt like the
          Brightest star illuminating the
          cosmos,
          You have blinded me.

          "You have tainted my heart with
          your
          Luster and glamor, taken me out
          of the
          Ditch and nursed me back to life.
          You have broken the ice in my
          veins,
          Melted polar caps in my brain
          and
          Brought spring for the first time
          in my
          Life.

          "I want to take the leap. I need to
          take
          The leap. But I can't do it alone.
          Will you
          Take my hand and make the
           jump?

Message. Sent.

I heaved a heavy sigh to compose myself
Of a fervor feeling I've never felt

And.

Waited. And. Waited. And. Waited.

Three dots appear.
My soul leaps, and I feel flustered
Noise filled my head
A silent scream

Three dots appear.
A message to determine our fate
In this late hour.
My heart pouring empty

Three dots appear.
Three dots appear.

Three. Dots. Appear.

Three.
       Sweat coming out my pores.
Dots.
       My nerves taunting me.
Appear.
       My eyes ready and dilated.

Three dots appear.






*Seen

We are going to town
With confettis in our eyes
And venture a glorysome fervent party
We wreak havoc on
Soft ground and beguile
Butterflies and bees
And we drink nectar
In garderns straight out from flowers

The gardeners will be mad
But who are they to stop us?

They can't take the happy
We coddled in our bellies
Along with our whiskey
And denial.
Along with our dreams
Digesting, fermenting
In boiling loathing

They dance
Center stage
Under glimmering lights
Glittering bright
Hand in hand
Hearts intertwined

While.

In the
Sidelines
I remain
Watching
Sulking

And.

That's alright.

Love's not for everyone,
Right?

I woke up with a headache
the morning greeted the pain like a friend
The hunger for relief was insatiable
However, instead of getting up for coffee and medicine
I stayed in bed and lingered under the sheets.

I don't know why
But as my thoughts began to reverberate
And echo, i forced myself to listen to the whispers
Materializing in the back of my head,
The silent sizzle of white noise
bled through every nook and cranny of my
Dilapidated bones and skull
And from it arose a call
A message I am well fond of:

It beckoned the future;
It crept in my bed like an old lover
And here it sang a lullaby that lulled me to sleep
Stroked my hair; it cradled my doubts
And bottle fed my insecurities,
It nurtured my over thinking mind
And in my dreams they blossomed
And manifested into nightmares.

There the weight on my shoulders
Got colder and more overbearing
Above me the clouds were made of concrete,
Falling ever so slowly.
I noticed the ball and chain
Around my ankles made me unable to move
However, as moments passed, i felt like i was
Or  everything around me was.
My world became a whirlpool
Looking out from the center of a hurricane
I watched as things go whizzing past me.

My heart started racing towards something
It tried to grasp on a reality in front of me and when reality
Would come to brush the tips of my fingers, it would vanish.
And I am realized of my stagnant state
As the wind began to leave
Carrying with it my aspiration and hoping
I feared  I can no longer move
And my chase would be futile;
I can no longer escape
I am forever trapped
Waiting for the clouds to crush me.

I was feeling the weight around my ankles
Daring myself to take the step.
Daring myself to live.
And when the urge finally came to grab hold of my senses

I woke up.

The future left without saying goodbye
But i know it would be back soon
Like a lover, unsatisfied
The sun had decided to take its leave
But my headache had not.
It sat still on my head ringing the distant tones
The lullabies sung,
The distant echoes of my now unforeseen future.

It hurts to be in
This position.

Tossed aside
But I know you
Have your reasons
And I know you've made your decision

But.

Just know.

That.

when you call
I'll run back to you
I'd go through hell
To give you paradise
I'd feel all pain
Just to see you smile again

When you change your mind
You'll know
I'll be here
To find
Us again.

You claim that
You're
Strong

A line I heard more than once.

But.

A strong person
Need not
Tell himself
That he's strong

He simply knows that he is.

He need not to look in the mirror
And convince himself.

So.

Whatever it is you
Have in your head.

C'mon, take a seat
And.

Talk to me.

He holds the world
Under the quiver of His fingers.

And Its bones and joints tired,
The mind wrinkled and dented,
Eyes weary of light
That It cannot bear His sheen glow
Still It continued, pushed through
Seen all that has been forsaken
What lies is in ink and white
The blankness overwhelms come to life
And even He is drawn to abhor It
Drawn to deny
For what His pillars had created,
Had brought nothing greater than a magnificent
Lie.

It was not beauty or grace.
But who are we to judge,
When we have not seen Its face?

I have found paradise in the midst of this pandemic.

In the midst of this chaos and atrocity.
I found a sliver of peace amidst the catastrophy
from the taunting void that stares back at me.
I sit watching, looking out, from the inside to the great grey beyond.
Out into the world I used to know.

And I say.

I found paradise in the midst of a pandemic.

At the precipice of all that I am and all that I will be.
Satisfied at the greatest awe, the fluidness of reality
Willing myself to take the leap
Into the yawning hole of life
I am unshackled.
I am untainted.
I am at peace.
And though around there is fire
And though I feel its flames trailing my leg
It's sweet warm caress.
I do not feel the pain.
The heat inviting.
I am unshackled.
I am untainted.
I am at peace.

I found paradise in the midst of a pandemic.



I found me.

I try to make sense of the blurring
Patches of ink on the paper
The sharp curls of each letter
Forming words
It was an imprint of the mind
Moving, reforming, changing
A sentient being taunting my once solemn thoughts

It was a cage.
Trapped and wrapped in a plethora of oddities

It was the color that surrounds it
The very core of what it truly is

It distorts me

The sun was dim and bright
A collision of all
The stars were eyes
Looking down on the meek

The birds swam the skies
And licked it clean with the clouds
The fishes raged at the seas
And from their turmoil
Brought forth raging waters
It was the splotches of creatures on land
There their eyes stuck to the ground
Untethered but cannot move
Unscathed but the fires in their
Bones singes of black goo
They fertilized the soil
And grew trees
Woven out of blood
And the euphoria of staying afloat

In reality one cannot fathom
What it truly meant

Or how it made one feel

It was a different kind of lost
A different kind of terrain
It was unexpected.
Unexplainable.
It was a compendium
Of the confusing.
The ineffable.
The colors were everything.

And I was reduced to nothing.

It was not just mere ink.
It was not just words.
It was not just the paper.

It was the sheerness of its meaninglessness.
The desperation of reason and thought
That spindled and weaved its way into
My skull.
drilled and drilled and drilled.
Until I am numb.



Just like Sylvia.

Bones are constricting
My feet stuck to the ground
My ribs caging a heart that wants
To be found
Words are limiting
Thoughts aching to come out
I am a prison
Of my own making
Of my choosing

My body is a cage.

And to be honest
I don't even know,
Why?

I am scared that I might drown
In the fantasy I have inside my head

That I might lose myself in a
Cascade of colors
Lose my way
In the hall of mirrors
In a blur of wonder
All wishful thinking

Eating me alive.
All my dreams rotting in my brain

Struggling to know
What is right.
Struggling to
Be
Realized.

He dreamed of velvet
And rosy cheeks on his lap
He dreamed of a set of sapphire eyes
Staring at him
Polished china hands ‘round his nape
And cherry lips on his.
He dreamed of diamond rings
Of cherubim singing
While cherry blossoms rained

He dreamed of gold
Glinting from his eyes
The diamonds ‘round his neck
Weighing heavy
He dreamed of trees with money
For fruits
Succulent passions
Quench the desire

He dreamed of flashing lights
Burning his skin
The eyes gawking, staring
The thrill of attention
The thrill of being desired
Like peaches and grapes on vineyards

So he sang a song
Hoping that the stars would listen
So he sang a note
Hoping that angels would hear his pleas
So he sang to God
For a pedestal

He wore his best suit and looked
At the cosmos
His guitar cradled at the arms
And he spoke of His name

The voice was heard
But left unanswered.

i was drowning in love
        lost in your sight
        the suffocation was
        questionably satisfying

i felt:
        safe.

        calm.

        new.

but in this newfound love,
        emerged a feeling of doubt

"are you the one?"

yes, who was i to am?
when you were when you'll be
i take what us you are
and what u want to be
but need what is that be
and take that cannot see
yes, who was i to am?