i painted you in florescent colors while you rotted my insides

my heart starts to stutter
shape shifting into shaky shards of nervousness
your words sing out to me softly and surely
soaking the side of paper i write ****** poetry on
influencing sonnets of pure sin
carefully sultry and swift
soon to be words of action

I crave an obvious love
Read my mind
Know me better than me

I crave an unrealistic love
Complete my sentences before I think them
Know my mood by the position of my hand

I crave the other half of me
Split down the middle
Staring back at me

tick to tick to tock to tock
to reminisce to make it stop
to hide my face to never race
to the far away finish line

tock to tock to tick to tick
to make amends to make a fix
to hold a grudge to never budge
to let others take advantage

tick to tock to tick to tock
to have some fun to let things rock
to youthful glows to always grow
to always favor me

When the moon strolls across the sky
On the nights I can’t help but feel minute
She’s always there

Shining with the light the Sun has gifted her
Or completely camouflaged into the abyss
Not to be seen but felt

For several days she does what many of us wish to do
Disappear into nothingness
Even celestial bodies feel shame

The moon brings a sense of comfort nothing else can
A sense of familiarity
The all-seeing eye of a heavenly mother

She watches, understands, and attempts to reach me
Her light struggling to illuminate the darkest corner of a room
She’s lost the ability to talk eons ago

She has seduced the greatest of writers and enamored the saddest of humans
I look at her and can’t help but think that I owe her my life but

She lacks your tranquil crooked smile
Your soft amber eyes
The words that melt off your tongue like butter

Lips that shush demons away
You’ve outshone her
You’re the eclipse I’ve been waiting for

I miss you every second I’m away from you
My heart can’t help but fill up with envy
For the people who get to rejoice in your presence
Every second of every day
Passerbyers who get a second glance
Of your beautiful golden locks twirling around with every step you take

I start to envy inanimate objects
That serve your every need
Napkins that wipe your bottom lip from the stickiness of lipstick
Mirrors that reflect every one of your perfect stances
The water that hydrates and gives you life

I obsess over you maybe too much
Maybe I just have too much time to think
But even in my busiest moments
Your image replays in my mind again and again
You’re a flash flood that takes ownership of everything it touches

although i left, i think my cup is still half full and not half empty
half full because you complete me
full because i’ll see you again
not empty because i’m glad i got to experience you
although i miss your full naked body on mine and the empty plastic cups on your bedside rack

Sometimes I sit down and think, “Is this all there is to life?”
Compartmentalize my feelings of sadness, joy, and excitement into boxes
Some of which stack higher than others and tumble down into subcategories
Times I was sad because of my period, because of school, because of ----

Other times I stand up and I don’t think, “I am completely satisfied with life.”
Because I am not
I look at cracked paint on walls and study the paths the minuscule crevices decided to take
So easily permanent and there

My head has established a tyranny of overthinking and anxiety that boxes with itself
Left, right, no left, up, maybe down, sideways, maybe
Too much to think and my brain can’t seem to understand there is still time to think
No decision has to be made about anything ever just yet not yet maybe

I understand time casts an infinite shadow
It forever runs out even though it’s nowhere near the finish line
It’s always running out
Always leaving me breathless