Here I am now
Sharp eyes in the dark
You’ll scream if you see me
Or wake with a start
Because I am it
I am what you all fear
You may keep your distance
For if you get too near
You’ll see what I am
And what I’ve become
Hissing and spitting
And it can’t be undone
I’m broken and shattered
Rewritten with pain
Theres no way to return me
Back to myself again
This is who I am
With my blackened heart
I watched as i rotted
As my life fell apart
I watched as I lost
Every part of my brain
And now you may judge me
You may call me insane
But you have not witnessed
All the things that I’ve done
And you have not looked
Down the barrel of this gun
Loaded and pointed
Right in my face
But too scared to look up
I hang my head in disgrace
But why am I hiding?
There’s not point anymore
There’s nothing too dangerous
When you’ve nothing to live for

I needed you
I was dying
Too quickly
Falling in to the darkness
And I couldn’t get a grip
You were my handhold
My lifeline
You saved me
My love for you
Was keeping me alive

But the line is round my neck now
It’s tightening
My hands are bleeding
From holding
I need to let go
But I can’t
So what do I do
I can’t escape my love for you

Why do you weep so
What is it you mourn this time
What shred of innocence
Has been taken from you now
Why do you hide so
What is it you fear this time
What terror that haunts you
Keeps you from your sleep
Why do you bleed so
What is it has cut you this time
What dagger has struck you
And wielded by whom
Why do you scream so
Who grips at your neck
What darkness prevents your breathing
And where has it risen from now
How can I help you
How can you ever hope to be free
What thing could save you
From the ghosts of your past

It hurts
Every time I take a step
It burns
But I’m not giving up get
I smile
But inside I am screaming
I laugh
But I hope that I’m dreaming
This dream is a nightmare
And now I’m inside
Trapped in my head
And there’s nowhere to hide
I still keep on trying
Everyday
But this pain is working
To take me away
Pounding and pounding
At the gates of my mind
Telling me constantly
I can’t leave it behind
But please believe that I’m trying
With all that I know
You need to trust me
I’m not ready to go
It’s getting hard to breathe now
But I won’t tell you a thing
Because the only thing I still know
Is that I won’t let it win

I had to burn it down
To ever feel it’s warmth
I had to watch it burn to know I’m free
To ever feel ok
I need to feel the smoke in my lungs
To breathe again
To know it’s finally over
And when the ash stains my skin
I will be sated
Only destruction will satisfy me now
Will pacify me now
And silence the rage that screams at me
Constantly
Telling me I need this
Revenge
Telling me to burn it all down
They say it’s best served cold
And I say let them burn

I grit my teeth as they say your name
Smile like I don’t care
My heart is pounding
I force the lie through my lips
And it burns like poison
You mean nothing to me anymore
What a lie that was

We are patchwork people
The little girl who smiled
And the girl who cried
Neither of us whole
Because we have been torn apart
How long can you hold my heart
Before it falls apart as well
And you’d never know
that I was anything other than broken
Because my suffering has overcome me
And what love I had was lost
So very long ago
And I would say I love you now
But I don’t think we can
Because we are patchwork people
And if I give you this piece of me
There won’t be enough left
To hold me together
And when the parts begin to fray
You won’t recognise me
Perhaps you don’t know me even now
Because we are patchwork people
And we can never be whole again

I’d like to write about beautiful things
For once
I’d like to portray beauty
To make you truly feel it
I want these words to come alive
To flow from the page like a river
And wrap you up inside
I am so practiced in dark verses
I know a thousand words for pain
A thousand metaphors for sadness
To show how broken I felt
But that isn’t all I feel
I could draw tears from you
Make you truly weep
But what about a smile?
Could I warm you heart
Give love rather than sadness
Rather than sharing my pain
Can I make you feel something different
Could I be the verse you mutter
Under your breath
To yourself
So you hide your grin
Could I write a lullaby
To send you to sleep
To have peaceful dreams
And yet all I’ve seen is pain
All the words I’ve written are blue
And now I want to give something else
I want to give a smile to you

You could never appease me
Never make up for what you’ve done
And I will only know peace
When I am bathed in flame
As the smoke fills my lungs
I will know that I am a survivor
And all that will remain of you
Will be ash
And I still won’t be satisfied
Because fire is too good for you

Am I the broken girl
That I thought I was
That I became because
I have suffered for so long
Do I have a strong heart
And a stable mind
Could I be different
Now the pain is gone
Am I the smiling face
That many know me as
Or am I the blood that pours
Deep red from my veins
Am I the source of happiness
To anyone
Or am I just a ghost
Am I the same person now
Or have I grown
Into something new
And is this better
I don’t know what I have become
If I am the same at heart
Or if I became what I was
The only thing I knew for so long
Am I just a broken girl
Did I lose everything else
Or did I change
Into something better
Something that can survive
The wasteland of this life
Someone that breathes the toxic fumes
And the smoke from this fire
Raging inside me
Burning weakness
What remains of me?

I will be strong without you
For I can mourn your loss no more
Though this time it is truth
Not my own demons like before
Before you leave forever
I would ask you do one more thing
Sit by my side once more
And I will spill my darkness from within
But this time I do not want for you
Though I want you all the same
The feelings that are drowning me
Are too complex to be named
I hold my breath to fight the pain
Or at least to fight the tears
That threaten to consume me
As I fall in a whirlpool of my fears
So before you leave for good this time
I beg you sit by my side
Talk to me as we once did
And allow me to say goodbye

Your grip is so tight
It grounds me
Keeps me here with you
And your hand is warm in mine
If I let go
I know you’ll still be here
Waiting for me
Ready to catch me when I fall
But I can’t stay here
I can’t stay with you forever
Because I have to survive alone
I have to do this alone
And loneliness is what I fear
But I don’t feel it now
When I’m safe in your arms
I can’t stay here forever
I can’t love you
In the hope that will save me
That it will be enough
To keep me here
Because it’s never enough
I have to choose to live

I am ashamed
Ashamed that this has torn away
All the progress I thought I’d made
And that I’m back here again
I am ashamed I cannot suffer alone
And that I drag others down with me
Because I tried so hard
Not to
I thought I could pretend
And I tried for so long
But I think it made me a little mad
Mad enough to hurt myself
To let some of it out
It didn’t work though, did it?
If I must bear this weight
Is it my duty to bear it alone?
To allow others to be free
Of me
I have become complacent
Allowing words to spill out
After being trapped for so long
And I felt relief
After all this time
Just to feel less alone
But now I’m scared
And I’m angry
I wish I’d just stayed quiet
And broken alone

It may seem a little silly
To write about you
And I promise I don’t love you
But I just can’t forget your smile
And I can’t forget your laugh
You infect me
And happiness is my disease
It’s our disease now
When you sit next to me
I wish I could pause the world
And remember how I feel
I’ll never forget what I feel
Right now
Because I am so happy
Because of you
My cheeks ache
From smiling at you
Sometimes I wonder
How you know me so well
Better than I know myself
You never judge me
But always understand
When I don’t understand
What I feel
So stay with me
Please
Because I miss the sunshine
When you’re gone
And I would promise
I don’t love you
But I do

I often feel ashamed
Of my weakness
Of how easily I fall in love
I let other people decide my fate
Their hand on the trigger
Their gun to my head
And I let them
I allow those I love
To choose what I feel
To destroy me if they will
And I forgive them
Because this is on me
My weakness
And it makes me angry
That I am jealous
Because I fell in love
Again
I wish I could live for myself
But I don’t
I wish I didn’t love
But I do
And I am so angry
At myself
Because I allowed another man
To take the reigns
Of my life
And then was surprised
That I lost control

If I look into the future
And all I see is pain
Tell me what is the point?
I need an answer
I need someone to tell me why
I should stay alive
When it’s like this
What’s the point of life anyway?
I can’t do this again
Perhaps I deserve this
Maybe giving me hope
Allowing me to look into the future
And not see misery
Is exactly the kind of torture I deserve
Because it hurts so much more
When it’s ripped away from me again
And I can’t focus on anything
In the sea of misery that drowns me
And I just need to breathe
But I can’t anymore
I don’t even want to try
And all I keep asking is why?
But there’s no answer is there?
So what do I do?
And what did I do
To deserve this
If I believe in something
It all hurts so much more
And I’m clinging oh so tightly
To the strings that hold me together
But they’re breaking in my hands
So maybe I’ll just let go

You broke your own rules
And what for?
So they could break you again?
So you could stare into the mirror
And ask why?
You know why.
This is your fault now
So do it all again,
One more time.
Maybe this time will be different?
You’ve told that lie before
And you’re such a bad liar.

If I could hold your hand forever
I know I would be safe
But you aren’t made to guard me
You let me make my own mistakes
But when I do
And when you find me broken on the floor
You take my hand again
And I am safe because I’m yours

I fall deeper into misery
With every passing day,
And the more I lie
The more it hurts inside.
I’m so angry it hurts
And self hatred is tearing me apart.
I don’t know who I am anymore.
I don’t know what I have left to hold on to
So please just let me let go.

If I could numb the world
Or numb myself to it
Then maybe I could let something go
Look at the white of my knuckles
Admit defeat
And be free
But it’s too strong
And I’ve never known anything else
Other than holding on
Too long

This smile I hold for you,
For safe keeping,
I think I’d like to keep it.

I’ll have to turn to apathy
Because caring hurts too ******* much

I can keep choosing words
To express what I’ve lost
But it’s not complicated
I loved you
It doesn’t matter how
And I don’t know if I’ll ever stop crying
Ever let you go
You’re gone
And I’m broken without you
What’s new?

Seeing your face like this
Breaks my heart again
Into a thousand pieces
Scattered carelessly
And I stare at them wordlessly
Because words are lost to me now
I could not describe how I feel right now
So I bite my tongue
To hold off the tears a little longer
Not much longer now
Goodbye my friend
I miss you

My truth will set me free
Because it has to
I can’t breathe trapped in here
Suffocating on my own anger
Spilling from my eyes
White hot
And it burns me again
As it always has
But I grit my teeth through the pain
As I always have
I deny you the pleasure of watching me suffer
I know that’s what you crave
But you’ll suffer as I have
I promise
Trust my rage