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So if you're gonna leave, leave now
I cant handle one more messy goodbye

I cant watch another person I love walk away
Because my brain was too much for them to handle.

If you're gonna go, go now.
I can't let you in any further.

I can't trust you enough to stay when things get hard.
Because I will fall apart sometimes.

If you're gonna run, run fast
I'll try to chase you though

I know you are someone who's good for me.
Because you didnt judge me when I told you who I really am.

But if you really still wanna stay, please stay right here
and please don't leave.
I want you and I need you.

You're something new and something good, for me, for my soul.
That's why you terrify me.

But I think thats a good thing..
Please don't let me push you away.
These past couple of years I've learned a lot

I've learned that sunshine really does make you feel happier,

And seasonal depression is a real thing.

I've learned that singing in the car as loud as you can to your favourite song does count as self care.

And so does sleeping.

I've learned that eating healthy and working out doesnt cure depression

It can help you feel a bit better about yourself though.

I've learned that silence in a conversation speaks louder than a thousand words spoken

And you cant force people to stay in your life who dont wanna be there.

I've learned that laughter is so healing

And finding someone who can make you laugh while you're in tears is so important.

I've learned that everyone has a story and a past.

And everyone has been through something that has changed them for better or for worse, but we're in no position to judge each other for it.

I've learned that in life you need to accept not everyday will be good but there will always be something good in your day.

And some days you'll feel on top of the world while other days you'll feel crushed underneath it.

I've learned it's okay to be sad, to cry and to break down.

And that as hard as it is to believe this yourself, you still deserve to be happy no matter what your demons are or what your mind tells you.

I've learned that people always leave but the good ones stick around, and sometimes people come back around.

And that the only person who can make your life better is you, so it's time you, we, I all push ourselves a little more each day.

Most importantly though, I've learned that life is worth living, yours is too I promise this.

And I'm proud of myself and I'm proud of you, for still being here.

❤❤
I had to learn
How to plant my own garden
And water my own flowers

I had to to pull
Myself off the bathroom floor
While I was shaking and crying

I had to calm
My mind at night
When my thoughts told me I should die

I had to keep living
Even on days I didn't want to
I had to keep going.

I lived so much of my life
Believing I needed someone else to fix me
I never realized that I was the one
Healing myself
The entire time.
That's the thing
I let you in
I get hurt

I get hurt
I push you away
You get hurt

I want you back
You're too far gone
I'm alone again

Theres no winning with BPD
The ending is always the same
I end up all alone
I can't understand why
I cant let him in
Hes been nothing but kind
But I'm stuck in my own skin

How could he see me
As beautiful and brave?
I've lived in this body long enough
And believe me it always caves.

He can't look at me without smiling
And its contagious, I do the same
I want to know so much more about him
What he hides from the world, what makes him afraid.

I want to let my walls down for him
But I'm so afraid to let him in
I'm actually a lot to handle most days
When he sees the real me theres no way I'll win

I keep telling him I am messy
I'm not sure he understands what that really means
How can I explain how most days I hate myself
And there are days I feel like I'm torn apart inside of me.

How do I let someone new in
With all the baggage I come along with
I'm not sure where to even begin
I should probably just quit.

If theres one thing I'm good at
Its self destruction at best
I know hes gonna see that soon.
I guess for now I'll give it a rest.
The rain wasnt just a metaphor for the tears streaming down my cheeks today, it was reality.

Although, It was literally down pouring rain all day long.

While thunder and lightning were crashing and flashing in the sky,

Thunder and lightning were building up of me on the inside.

I don't wanna talk about it no, I'm fine I'm all right.

Then I close my door and just let myself cry.

They don't know what it feels like.

To be all alone and have no one to confide.

I can't seem to shake off the things that are said anymore.

But if it doesn't change soon I won't want to get out of bed anymore.

Baby, toddler, child, teen, adult

It doesnt matter, any of us can be victims of this type of assault.

Bullying doesnt just happen when you are young.

You just hope by the time you've grown up, that course has been run.

One more time and I will really lose it.

I was given a mouth to speak, I think it's about time I use it.
It's the fear of not being good enough for anyone. That's what stops me from trying at all. I have managed to push everyone else away because I'm scared they  will eventually end up seeing me the way I see myself.
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