Why do you chose to hurt me?
Why do you say I mean so much to you?
Why do you say you need me?
Why do you lie to me?
Why me?
Why?

You are
The influence to my writings
Creator of my sadness
Author of my heartbreak
My muse for it all

"Never say goodbye
because goodbye means going away
and going away means forgetting."
How I yearn for Peter Pans words to be true
When you said goodbye
I wanted nothing more than to forget you
I cried every night wanting the memory of you to vanish
Wishing we had never met
Hoping I never gave you a chance
But to this day
Months after your goodbye
I am waiting to forget you
But I am miserably failing

I am risky but not in the way you think
I spend most of my time in my mind
Thinking of scenarios that will never happen
Living a made up life that is unobtainable
I do not deserve that life
And that will never change
But spending time in that place is risky
Almost dangerous
With all the negativity
I should be avoiding my mind
But I am ****** into its trap
It tortures me by dangling the perfect normal life in front of me
Only to light it on fire
Worsening my depression

Please don't say that you know what my depression feels like
Because I don't want anyone else to feel like this
I don't have the usual kind of depression where you're just sad
I have the kind that makes me feel numb to everything
I feel nothing
I don't feel sad, or mad, or angry
I feel nothing
I don't get interested in anything
I have absolutely no motivation
I don't crave food
Eating makes me feel sick
I feel absolutely nothing
I feel disconnected from everything
And I hope that no one ever feels as numb as I do

pulchritudinous rolls off my tongue and on to the pebbles beneath her feet; i bend down to pick it back up, to pass it to her, to be like "here, hey, i got this for you, this is what you are to me" and she smiles.
it's a smile that never falters, it's an introverted "my mind is an alice in wonderland casket" smile. it is a pseudo smile and her persona speaks in the same tone.
i don't understand her language which is why i keep throwing words at her feet - i swear i'm trying not to but she has these eyes and i swear i've died and relived my entire life in parallel universes within them.
i tell her "here, hey, i don't know much, but i know that pulchritudinous was probably invented when someone saw you up close for the first time and didn't know how to speak and hey i know this pseudo smile hides so much but please note: i would let pulchritudinous roll off my tongue and pick it back up a million times over just to see it again and again,"
she smiles.

she smiles.